Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What We Have Here, My Son, Is A Failure To Communicate

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Oh man.  YOU GUYS.

The airshow was a total parental FAIL.

The sun was shining in Bountiful on Saturday morning when we left, so despite knowing that the forecast called for freezing rain and gusty winds, we set off for the air force base in short sleeves, leaving our sweaters behind in a rumpled pile on the couch.  Because - hey - the sun!  Stupid weather people.  Shows what THEY know, smirk smirk.

(Oh Sue.  Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.  You moron.)

We got to the base right on time, set off on the mile-and-a-half hike to the tarmac feeling slightly chilly but optimistic that it could only warm up as the day progressed (HA!) (HAHAHAHAHA!), and by the time we got through the security we were walking ice cubes.   We kept seeing cool things we wanted to stop and look at, but we were too cold, and figured it would be better to just keep moving.

When we got to the runway area we sat in the dirt and huddled up together in the grass under the sheet (WE BROUGHT A SHEET) (MORONS) we had planned to use as a picnic blanket.  All of the other parents were totally judging us (almost was I warmed by the heat of a thousand parents giving me laser stink eye) as they held their own parka clad toddlers, but one kind lady (BLESS YOU KIND LADY) took pity on us, or rather, on my children, and insisted that we take one of her thick blankets. Unfortunately one thick blanket for four children and two adults is – still not enough blanket.

Despite parachuters descending from the sky holding American flags, and fighter jets zooming down over our heads, all we could really think about was our rapid onset hypothermia.  It was miserable and we ended up leaving after about an hour. AN HOUR.


I felt pretty bad about it, because they would’ve loved it if we’d been appropriately dressed.

ARG.

The mile-and-a-half hike back to our car in the freezing wind and rain was – well – it was horrible, despite Megan's sweet attempts to make the best of it with her "it’s o.k., because we're on an adventure and sometimes you’re cold when you’re on an adventure” type talk.    Emma, on the other hand, (who is not at ALL like me when she gets upset, not at ALL) rolled her eyes and muttered a bunch of stuff I couldn't quite catch and a number of things I could, including “ridiculous” and “freezing” and “stupid airplanes” but she kept grimly marching forward and I couldn’t really blame her at that point.

When we got home the kids were all irritable and snappish with each other, and after making chocolate chip cookies failed to improve their mood I banned them to the basement Until Further Notice. This, as usual, had the fortunate side effect of transforming them into The Alliance of Unfortunately Oppressed Children Who Must Band Together Against The Enemy and they spent the rest of the day making indoor forts and playing - I don't know - some very involved game that had to do with forts. (I’m a very attentive mother, obviously.) (I was DONE at that point, what can I say.)

Sunday was rainy and cold again.

(May is such a jerk.)

I coped with my weather related disappointment by moping around and letting the kids watch positively unhealthy amounts of Phineas and Ferb.   I kept pacing back and forth and sighing heavily and muttering inconsiderate comments about nature and my husband finally was like WE GET IT, YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED ABOUT THE WEATHER. ENOUGH. 

Harumph.

On Monday we went - - well, actually, before we went anywhere we spent the morning cleaning stuff.

Lest you think it is non-stop fun around here, please know that interspersed with all of our (FAILED) activities, there is always plenty of slave labor going on.  I like to work my children's fingers to the bone using my highly complicated chore system, which consists of me looking around to see what needs to be done and then making them do it, and saying a lot of things like "ZIP IT" and "yes, well life is not fair", and "If you're complaining that just tells me that you need more stuff to do" and a lot of other things I swore I would never say to my own children.  

But LATER, later on Monday we went out to Fairfield for the Camp Floyd Memorial Day celebration, (which you can read about, er, via that link right back there) (before the comma) (what, you need directions?). The older kids had lots of fun.  


Josh, ON THE OTHER HAND. 

Josh is two now. 

Josh is currently very committed to his core values of:

1) "I DO IT MYSELF" and 
2) "I CANNOT BE CONTAINED" along with a smattering of 
3) "YOU NO MAKE ME STAY HERE FOUL OPPRESSOR".   

What this means, practically speaking, is that he is very, very annoying to take anywhere.

He spent a lot of time accosting various puppies, attempting to run out of the park and into the road, trying to sneak onto the stagecoach or under the stagecoach, or basically anywhere he could potentially be kicked to death by the stagecoach horses, and watching a field mouse darting in and out of his hole. 

(OK, so that part was cute.)

He also spent a lot of time demanding non-existent crackers, telling us he WOULDN'T NOT DO IT when we asked him to do ANYTHING, sitting in time-out, and flailing around when we tried to carry him. It was charming. OH SO VERY CHARMING.

(This is what you get for saying, “Oh, he’ll probably just take a nap in the car.”) 

(THE HELL YOU SAY, MAMA.)


We wound up the weekend with a barbecue at my mom's - roasting hot dogs (Josh: "I DIVE IN THE FIRE") and marshmallows ("I SPREAD HOT MELTED SUGAR ON ME TENDER PARTS") over the firepit. 

I have never been so glad to buckle him into his car seat in my life.  (BLESS YOU CAR SEAT LAWS, that allow me to buckle in my child, hand him a book, and then righteously ignore him for at least 50 miles.)  

(And now you know the real reason we go on lots of long day trips - long stretches of time when he is legally strapped in place.)

14 comments:

  1. I was reading your description of Josh and thinking, "That's silly - 2 is the easiest age." I was! And then, I noticed this old tidbit about a 2-year-old Susie on my own blog.

    I apologize. But take heart - apparently, you quickly forget the hell a 2-year-old can put you through. Lord knows, I did.

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  2. Maybe it's because he's a boy?

    Man, now I'm scared to attempt raising a 3rd child, what with only having had relatively easy non-sugared tender part daughters and all.

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  3. My sister routinely judges me on the lack of outer wear of my children. Whatever, I'm trying to TOUGHEN THEM UP. Or something that doesn't have to do with laziness.

    My #4 just turned two. And you're right they're hellions. It is his goal in life to run straight for the street every time the front door opens. And also to make me insane.

    I definitely think he's winning.

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  4. How could you be mad at him? He's darling!

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  5. Those eyes and that impish smile could weaken the sternest resolve.

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  6. My 2 year old is wild, too. We had to put child locks on the outside doors so she wouldn't run out in the street and around the corner any more. (I couldn't chase her - recovering from a c-section.) She asks for things, then yells that she doesn't like them, so we take them away, then she screams that she wants them back. Sigh... I fear it will be bad from now until she has her own children...

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  7. I remember when you had Josh. I remember when I had all of mine - I even tried, once as I held a new one in my arms, imagining that someday I'd really want to swat him/or her on the backside. I failed to imagine it. It was impossible. Two didn't do it for me. More like almost three. But he will grow up. And I won't go on in the vein I am thinking because why add to your burden. If you think I'm thinking about how it only gets harder, I'm not. Because it didn't. For me, get harder, I mean. It got great. It just didn't last as long as the hard part earlier.

    I hate being cold because I forgot to bring a coat. Except at the last Eagle scout thing I went to - a dear friend - outside in the evening. And I came away in short sleeves and sat next to my d-i-l who was enveloped, not only in intelligent clothes but a good sized blanket. But it turned out okay because the boys' birth mother had come to this thing (???Really???) and insisted that she take the place of the actual mother who had done all the scout work, and also insisted on giving a talk about how spiritual, etc, she was = and at that point, I was so cold I had to go home and get a coat. Which took me a good half hour - to make that two block drive and back.

    It can work for you once in a while is what I'm saying.

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  8. We went to the Air Show, too. We got there around 12:30, which, if you'll remember, was when it started to rain. Then POUR. And the wind. And the cold. We all went into the cargo plane, thinking we'd slowly walk through and get our of the rain for 5 minutes. 30 minutes later, we were PACKED into the plane because people at the front didn't want to get off but other people kept coming in the back. I thought we would be smooshed alive. It was 100% miserable.

    But hey. At least.....well, I can't find a silver lining right now, but maybe I can some day in the future.

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  9. You're funny, man. Down with two year olds.

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  10. Josh and my Claira sound like kindred spirits. We're going to Disneyland in September and we are not taking her. I don't care how many people give me the stink eye for it, she's too little to need therapy for it later in life. Besides, her two older sisters miss out on way too much as it is because of her tantruming self.

    I luuuurve me some good carseat time too.

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  11. Oh. My. Goodness. When my boy (now three and a half) as two....the carseat was my FAVORITE. Weird thing was, once he was strapped in, he pretty much just gave up and enjoyed the ride or fell asleep. Little stinker.

    I've missed coming around, but your blog (as always) does NOT disappoint!

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  13. I do not believe in "unhealthy amounts of Phineas and Ferb." Other shows can be watched in unhealthy quantities, but not P&F.

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  14. I'm with Jen. I love Phineas and Ferb. Actually got a laugh out of the husband today when he said "Dr. Derf-n-smurf".

    "Long stretches of time when he is legally strapped in place"... totally brilliant!!

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