Thursday, July 03, 2008

Breaking Up Is Not Really All That Hard To Do

Pin It Dear Las Vegas,

I don't think this letter will come as a surprise. I mean, you knew it was coming, right? You and I - we've known each other a long, long time, and this on again, off again thing we've got going? It's gotta stop.

The thing is, you're getting on my nerves. You just think you're so hot. And yes, I won't deny it. You ARE a hot little number. Everybody knows it. You don't have to prove a point. One hundred and twelve - it's just a little extreme, don't you think? All of the other western cities, they're not such show-offs. You could take a lesson. (Just don't look at Phoenix, he's incorrigible.)

But I've had enough. I'm leaving on Friday, heading for greener pastures with my trusty moving truck. By Saturday, you'll be a distant memory.

Oh, maybe I'm not being fair. When I left you back in 2004 I swore I'd never be back, never ever ever, that I was DONE with you forever. After I left, I made fun of you behind your back for years, telling everyone how much I hated you. And yet, when I ran into a rough patch and came crawling back a few months ago you showered us with higher salaries and fancy new parks and access to family and friends. You do have your good points.

The truth is, I could probably overlook all of it - the strippers and the gambling and the late nights and partying - but I have to be honest with you. There's someone else. He's someone I had a four year relationship with, and I've tried, I really have, but I just can't get him out of my head.

Remember that one night, when we were driving back into town and I was mad at you because of your skeazy billboards? You were all, "FREE ADULT SUPERSTORE 24 HOURS," and I was all, "I hate that you hang out with people like that. They're turning you into a sleazebag," and you were all, "LARGEST SELECTION OF ADULT BOOKS EVER," and I was all, "Oh, Utah, how I miss you," and you were all, "SERIOUSLY WE'VE GOT A LOT OF ADULT STUFF IN HERE - HEY, wait a minute. WHO'S UTAH?" And I was all, "Um. Never mind. Nothing."

It almost got very awkward, but then we turned off into a residential area and you got distracted and started yammering on about square footage and desert landscaping and low low prices and you forgot all about my little slip up.

I was surprised you didn't see right through me. Because my lover Utah? He had me in his sweet, sweet, ruggedly outdoorsy yet freakishly clean cut spell even then. If loving him is wrong, I just don't wanna be right.

Shut up! Don't talk about him like that. He is NOT schizophrenic and moody. He just - runs a little hot and cold. Sure, he might get all up in my face during the day (kinda like you actually) all "Look at me, I'm so hot - go away before I scorch you with my hotness," but when the sun starts to go down he cools off and wants to be a good boyfriend again, and he gives me sweet, sweet sixty degree temps to prove it. Yeah, sometimes he freezes me out. But I can live with that kind of moody. Oh yeah, baby, can I ever live with it.

It's gonna be a little awkward for us, Las Vegas. I'm gonna be back to visit a lot. My friends and family are here, and I know they have to deal with you, so we'll probably be a part of each other's lives for a long time. Just - not like this. Not anymore.

Do me a favor, will you? Treat my friends and family right. Don't be mad if they come visit me and my new man. After all, they might love me, but they like you too. During some of the worst parts of our relationship, they kept telling me all of the good things about you. When I called you a sleazy dirt bag they said, "Awww, Sue, he's not so bad. You just have to look for the good parts." They were pulling for you. I mean, they want me to be happy, but they were also sort of hoping we could make things work. In the end, I think they knew it just wasn't meant to be.

If I could give you some friendly parting advice, I'd tell you to hang out in the suburbs a little more. They're a good influence on you. Stop spending so much time hanging out with strippers and county commissioners, don't crush beer cans on your forehead, and try to go a little easier on the porn, o.k.?

I hope you know that I'll always care about you.... In a vaguely repulsed but still sort of caring way.

Thanks for all of the memories.

Sort of fondly,

Sue

P.S. Don't try to contact me, Las Vegas. I won't even have internet until Wednesday, and you know how I feel about the phone.

68 comments:

  1. First commenter on one of Sue's posts? NUH UH!
    It's almost like I'M famous.

    Oh, funny post by the way.

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  2. I'm so glad that you and Las Vegas are breaking up. Utah is so much better for you.

    Good luck this weekend!

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  3. I'm so glad you got to write this post!

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  4. Can't wait! I really can't wait! Happy Trails!

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  5. It's so nice when things work out!

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  6. Hilarious! Have fun moving! lol (Keep reminding yourself how happy you are to be moving; I bet that'll help.)

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  7. hahaha. i, too, grew up in Vegas. I really enjoyed this letter. Spot on!

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  8. That was wonderful! Very funny, yet touching too.

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  9. I'm afraid to say anything about Las Vegas in case you guys get back together.

    (But secretly, I never thought Las Vegas was good enough for you.)

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  10. Your mom is so glad you finally came to your senses and left that obscene relationship. I was really worried about the influence your choices were making on my grandchildren. You and Vegas can still be friends without living together!

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  11. I just had to come back to say how happy I am you are Leaving Las Vegas.

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  12. I love how his side of the conversation is what's printed on the billboards, verbatum. Hilarious.

    Congrats on the super-duper move.

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  13. Woo! So glad you get to leave.

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  14. Good for you, getting out of an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. Utah's pretty smart - taking you back with open arms. --Though the nights are in the 80s, not 60s, just so you're prepared. And this is supposed to be the hottest weekend yet.

    I think it's just 'cuz Utah's excited to get it's lover back. Very excited.

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  15. What a creative, funny way to say good bye! I love when you write "letters!"

    Congrats on getting to move back to Utah. It really sounds like the right fit :)

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  16. Woohoo! Doing the happy dance for Sue and her new man! Except he doesn't really run hot and cold. He runs COLD and on rare occasions (2 months a year), hot. BTW, as a BFF I've been trying to tell ya to kick that other guy to the curb for a long time. I just didn't want it to affect our friendship, glad it's over, that old guy is just a big loser.

    Good luck with the move, see ya Wednesday!

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  17. Maddison8:56 AM

    I too love when you write "letters" - this is so charming and funny, Sue! You're very clever with words, etc. Thanks for a good laugh! Ditto: Happy Trails and can't wait to hear how it is being back in UT! :)

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  18. Too funny! I am soo happy for you and your family, Sue.

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  19. Cassie9:03 AM

    Hope you're not expecting a cool down when you get here, Sue.. we've been cooking here in Utah for weeks as well.. just at a slighly lower variation.. Congrats on getting out of there, though!

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  20. Carrie9:15 AM

    Dude, it was TOTALLY 65 degrees last night in Highland. I looked it up. We're getting together when you get back, right? Don't make me call you on the phone, woman.

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  21. I think that is the funniest post I have ever read! Ever! Have a great trip home!

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  22. it's so time for you two to break up. welcome back to the motherland.

    hahahahahahahahha

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  23. Ha ha! This is why I obsessively check your blog.

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  24. Of course, you're returning to your real man when it's HOT, but there are so many other things that make Utah beat LV that I'm sure you can make it work out. Glad you're on your way back!

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  25. that was one of the funniest things i've read in a while, thanks. i'm so glad you get to move back to utah. i too miss utah, luckily PA isn't as sleazy as Las Vegas! enjoy the move!

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  26. You just need to do what you need to do. You know I'll love you no matter what you choose. Best of luck in your new old life. I'll miss you (while you're sans computer).

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  27. Hilarious.

    As for you and Mr. Utah, you know I'm happy to share my man with another woman. That's the way a lot of us roll around here, "Sister." ;)

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  28. Quite possibly the best thing I've read. Have a great trip home, I can't wait to hear all about it when you get internet access again. I am so happy for you!

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  29. I woke my husband up I was laughing so hard at this LOL! I have a very similar conversation between Utah and New Mexico.

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  30. I went throught the same break up with Phoenix.
    SOOO glad it's off again.
    Utah is better.

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  31. I think I dated that guy....

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  32. I don't know how Sue, but somehow you just keep getting funnier. My kids are freaked out again from me giggling at the computer.

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  33. phew. That Vegas, he wasn't treating you right. I'm glad you're finally over him.

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  34. Travel with care!!!

    Can't wait to hear how things went when you're wired again!!!!

    Thinking of you!

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  35. From what I've heard, Utah is quite happy to have you back.

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  36. Confession: I hung out with the Las Vegas County Commissioner. It was the night she used her power invested to marry me and my husband.

    Only good memory of Vegas I have.

    Welcome home. Welcome home.

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  37. You forgot to mention the zoo covered in pigeon poop. That alone merits a serious break-up, maybe even with some alimony thrown in too.

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  38. Cindy4:49 PM

    What an entertaining post. Loved it. You are so talented.
    Good luck in UT. I have a crush on Vegas but wouldn't want to live with him : )

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  39. Good luck with the move and getting settled in!

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  40. Why can't I be funny like you? Why can't I get 40 comments for a post?
    But the truth is, you are funny, very funny and clever too.

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  41. P.S. Welcome back to Zion.

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  42. Yay! I'm beyond happy for you.

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  43. I bow before your bloggy awesomeness. This post is brilliant!

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  44. Funny, funny! I haven't visited for a while. Glad to be back, and to find out you're moving back to the promised land. I don't mean to sound fanatical, but I've been in a couple of different states every summer for 5 years, I was actually born and raised in another country, and to me, Utah is home. I just love that place!!!!!!
    Yami, currently in, let me check where I am today, ah!, Springfield, Missouri

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  45. Congrats on your break up! So glad that things are working out for your family.

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  46. Hilarious! Enjoy the move...just in time for Pioneer Day!

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  47. Dying Sue! Seriously dying!

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  48. You're right- Phoenix is incorrigible!!

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  49. Sheesh, the lengths some people will go to for blog material... uprooting your family from Utah to Vegas and now back again. ;)

    SoooOoooOo happy for y'all!

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  50. Well put. I know from personal experience, no matter how sick to death you are of Vegas, he'll always have a tiny spot of your heart and you're not sure how or why. Must be those dang friends and family memories- for me its the food. Vegas always took care of me in that department.

    CONGRATS, sooooo happy for you and your fam!

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  51. Such a funny, clever, witty, [insert other amazing adjective here] post, Sue! And I'm really happy for you that you and your lover Utah got back together.

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  52. Tired East Coast momma6:56 PM

    Well, I do not want to be responsible for the death of an itty bitty piece of your soul, so I will leave a comment.

    My 2 year old is awake, 2 hours past his bedtime....and its ALL YOUR FAULT.

    Have I ever taken the laptop to bed with me? Nooooo.....Have I ever laughed out loud at a blog such as this? Noooo.....Did said laughing out loud wake up the dear little fella? Yeeessssss.........

    ALL YOUR FAULT.

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  53. You are hilarious! Welcome back home!

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  54. You. Are. So. Clever. This was great fun to read. I hope your move's going smoothly.

    (I grew up with Utah, and while there are lots of things I value about the relationship, there's just no spark. There are things I've always known about him but that will always bug me -- that long cold dry sulk he goes into for months at a time is particularly hard to take; it's just hard to stay cheerful around someone who goes around with a black cloud overhead. Of course, I won't even give Las Vegas the time of day -- won't even stop to say hi when I'm in his area -- so maybe Utah would seem like quite a catch if that were my only alternative. For now I'm with Utah for lack of other options, but if the California Bay Area ever comes calling, I'll drop Utah in a snap. Sure, I'll still want to be friends, but I won't want to spend a lot of time with him.

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  55. Soooo glad you are getting back together with Utah. He was miserable without you. He's even tried to be like Las Vegas this past week, all hot and sticky.

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  56. This is my first time commenting on your blog. I love it!! You're incredibly witty and funny. I've even got you linked from my own blog. Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I'm happy for you guys. I grew up in Utah myself so I am slightly partial to it. At least the mountains I am. Anyway, really enjoyed this post. You had me cracking up!!

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  57. What about the zoo? You're not breaking up with the zoo,too? What about the memories??

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  58. You are so funny! I' putting you on my blog roll! Have fun moving!

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  59. So I know this is off topic and I'm really late with this, BUT I just found a funny Mormon blogger at www.seriouslysoblessed.blogsot.com She is hilarious. I didn't read all 84 comments to see if anyone else mentioned her, but there's my contribution to the discussion nonetheless.

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  60. What a great breakup! LV is good for a one night stand is all...

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  61. What a fun post. Happy travels!

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  62. Rugged and cool sounds so good right now.

    I live in incorrigible Phoenix.

    This was hilarious!

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  63. Brilliant post!! So funny!

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