Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Confessions of a Sneaky Mom

Pin It 1. Sometimes when my kids and I are sitting at the piano singing together, I'll get irritated because I want to sing the princess part and they just want me to be quiet and play the piano. (Little princess part hoggers.) They have zero interest in hearing me sing. I might as well be dead. Or more accurately, I might as well be an electric piano.

2. When my kids are irritable and bored and at each other's throats, I sometimes like to help them bond by pitting them against me. I tell them to go clean the playroom and not to come out 'til it's sparkling clean. They'll angrily trudge in there, but a few minutes later I'll hear whispering and the sweet sounds of plotting. Every so often I'll bellow out "You'd better be cleaning!" and I'll hear them giggle because they are SO not cleaning. They get along independently for hours because, hey, THEY SURE PUT ONE OVER ON MOM.

3. Sometimes I put them to bed really, really early. There are days when it's either put them in bed early or completely lose my mind. It works out great because a) I'm not yelling, b) they aren't that great at telling time yet, and c) they're happy as clams playing in their rooms, thinking they've tricked me into believing they're asleep. If I need to walk by their rooms, I just stomp my feet extra hard so they have time to jump in bed and pretend they're snoring. (It almost makes me proud, what good fake sleepers they are. They do the slow breathing and everything.)

4. Cereal for dinner is not a rare occurrence, but that's ok, because it has 14 essential vitamins and nutrients. Or so I've heard.

5. Once, I read this article about how they are starting to think soft plastic toys might actually be dangerous, so I went around the house and bagged up all of the Polly Pockets and My Little Ponies and put them away in a closet until I could do more research. They found the bag when we moved and they were so excited about it that I've just - let them play with potentially carcinogenic toys. Because, wheeeee, cancer is fun!

So spill in the comments, por favor. What are your true mom confessions?

70 comments:

  1. Sometimes I'm just waiting for the offspring to do something naughty so I don't have to read them a bedtime story.

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  2. I know I have many things to confess, but it's 2am and the half a percent of my brain that is currently functioning is devoted to typing and trying not to pee on this chair (why is the computer a magnet that keeps me from the bathroom?).

    I will confess for a friend, though. She is an obsessively good parent (her kids eat every vegetable known to man and they like it!). However, one morning when her twins were toddlers and she couldn't fathom making breakfast for them, she just poured a pile of Cheerios on the floor under the dining room table and let them help themselves.
    (I should talk--typical scenario in the van: "Mommy, I'm hungry!" "Find some pretzels in the crevices of your car seat.")

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  3. Embejo2:50 AM

    Right now I'm having meal time hassles (I posted about it today funnily enough). I'm not enjoying meals with them right now so I finish as soon as possible, and let them eat ice cream even if they didn't eat their meat. Anything to get it done.

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  4. Clearly, the fact that I lack this Macchiavellian cunning is the one thing keeping me from being a really successful parent. I'm impressed.

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  5. Your confessions are similar to my confessions...particularly the early bedtimes. Like, um.....5:30 pm once in a while.

    And we don't do cereal that often, but pb&j has graced our table many a night.

    My kids are still too young to be pitted against me, but I lIKE it. I will file that away for future use.

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  6. My daughter likes to save EVERYTHING and sometimes after I tell her she can keep something I go into the "art drawer" and throw out half of the stuff in there!

    I too use to do the early bed time but it's getting more difficult as the oldest can tell time and the middle child is close to telling time. :-(

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  7. My husband is normally the one who bathes the kids. When he is away on business, however, I consider an afternoon at the pool an excuse to escape the task entirely. When they were 3, 2 and 6-months, I once went almost 2 weeks without once setting foot near a bath tub.

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  8. Yesterday, after some 12 hours of whining, sobbing, fighting and screaming (and that was just me - badum-tsh!) at about 6:47, I put all 4 kids straight to bed (even the highly indignant 10yo and 12yo) leaving all 80+ teeth UNBRUSHED (oh the horror!), because what's a little plaque when Mom is one argument away from a serious meltdown, and DAD went golfing (Is that really a scout merit badge, or is this his way of "cleaning the playroom") without his cell phone?

    Also, last week, everyone wanted pancakes for dinner. My response was, "Fine, but you'd better have vegetables too!" Which is how my family came to have broccoli and buttermilk pancakes for dinner.

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  9. This must be the day for confessions. Just head on over to my blog for a discussion of the shameful state of the inside of my frig (complete with the pictures everyone was demanding yesterday)(what's wrong with you people, anyway?).

    But hurry before my husband finds it and makes me take it down...

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  10. My daughter saves everything too...Trash, candy wrappers, packaging from toys. It's disgusting! So every now and then, I "help" them clean their room. When I clean, I make "piles" of stuff to put elsewhere in the house. When it's about time to be done, I tell the girls, "Wow, you did such a great job helping mommy, why don't you go downstairs and play, and I'll finish the rest" They can't get out of there fast enough, and it gives me time to take the trash outside without them knowing!

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  11. the whole idea of azucar's comment goes on FOREVER!

    I told my daughter secks was totally gross AND flipped off my son all in one night.

    (she's 12! we don't need to be having the "it feels great" talk right now! and he was being an a$$)

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  12. I told my daughter that she could have a birthday party OR a present. She chose the present which got me out of spending $$$$$$$ for a party.
    If she had chosen the party, I still would have bought her the present;0)

    DH is at scout camp, so last night, I fed the kids brownie sundaes for dinner. Later, they complained, saying they were hungry and wanted "real" food, so I turned on a movie, and fed them popcorn.

    Sometimes, I'll tell the kids that I've asked them to do something AT LEAST five times, when I actually only asked them once......... or not at all.

    I might say something like "Well, since you didn't clean your room, I'm not taking you to the movies!" When I had no plans to take them there in the first place.

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  13. I'm right there with the "helping" clean their rooms and throwing away large quantities of what *I* see as junk.

    I'm also known to almost never make breakfast ("get yourself something to eat") and in the summer, I rarely make lunch, either. The only kid who really complains is the youngest, so I make the older kids make her something to eat. Lazy? Uh, yeah.

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  14. My 3-year-old has stopped taking naps, but if he falls asleep in the car, I just leave him in there with the windows rolled down. My husband gets on my case about "breaking the law," but I can see him through my kitchen window, check on him every 5 minutes, and he's in the SHADE. And it gives me some blessed time with 2 kids napping.

    I also confess to early bedtimes, mac & cheese or cereal for dinner on many occasion, going to long between baths, going to bed without brushing teeth, and turning the door handles so I can lock bedrooms from the outside, effectively locking my children in their rooms.

    I love being a mom.

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  15. Another confession: I was totally confused when I saw "Motha" Conffessions and wondered what Star Wars thing you could possibly be talking about.

    I'm a little sleep deprived.

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  16. Ha ha ha! I LOVE these new IDEAS!

    I confess that sometimes, just sometimes, after my daughter gives me one of her masterpieces, it finds its way into the garbage (because there is no SPACE in this house for all of them).

    I also have been known to raid their toyboxes to throw things away (but only when they're not looking).

    There have been MANY lunches of Wendy's french fries dipped in chocolate frosty (because I JUST COULD NOT deal with one more meal argument). Hey it was once a potato and there's milk in a frosty, right? So it's good for them.

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  17. I don't understand a word my son says sometimes so I just say "yeah" or "okay" and then if he was asking to do something he wasn't allowed to do I yell anyways even though I technically gave permission.

    And I "punish" him by taking away or making him do things that we were going to do anyways, like "that's it! you know your not supposed to make your sister cry so now we can't go to Grandpa's to go swimming!" when really grandpa's not expecting us until the weekend.

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  18. Sometimes when my kids were small I would put them in the car and drive around at bedtime so I didn't have to read endless bedtime stories.
    They just fell asleep in the car.

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  19. My daughter has watched Shrek more times than I can count...just so I could get an extra 15 minutes of sleep.

    I only shave my legs when I think my husband and I might get "frisky". Yeah, I'm hot!

    I distract my daughter with a different task so that I can do my makeup without having to share with her.

    My son spends more than the recommended 30 mins/day in his jumperoo.

    Last night my husband unknowingly slept on a dried-up pee spot (not my pee) because I was too tired to change the bed.

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  20. I am SO not going to divulge my secrets after all this time. You can continue to wonder the rest of your life! Maybe in the hereafter, when my "life review" is up for all the world to see, you can learn about all the sneaky, underhanded things I did to survive. Until then, carry on. It looks like you've discovered many useful tools for parenting with less pain.

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  21. Last night I let my child eat soft tacos in his room, watching cartoons, so that I could sit in my office and write uninterrupted for a while. Mom of the Year, baby, right here.

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  22. Except for the piano part, that could have been my list! My kids thought they were being so sneaky by not cleaning and I was just so happy to have them out from underfoot!
    My confession? I forgot to pick Little Man up yesterday from his summer program! (Lest you should think I a really, really horrible, instead of just sort of horrible) they bring him home every day except Tues. Last night Bald Man and I were like, wow, he is getting home late today, huh? Til it dawned on me! I am supposed to pick him up on Tuesdays! Ah well.

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  23. There are sooo many times that I read your blog and think that you and I must be soul mates. I have been a parent for 20 (almost 21) years, and I still employ the "pitting them against Mom" tactic by telling them to clean their rooms and not come out til it's clean. It still works! My confession is that I pay my kids to read. One cent per page plus a big bonus for a written book report. Pretty soon, they're reading because they love it, and forget about the money!

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  24. I have let my kids eat gorilla poops for breakfast. They think they are getting away with eating cookies and really, they are getting away with eating cookies. I am not very sneaky. I think you should teach a tutorial every once and a while. I want to learn from the master.

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  25. Back in the day, when our kids were little, we would let them watch one episode of RugRats before bath, stories and bed. My cunning husband videotaped several episodes so we could pop one in, say "Hey, RugRats is on!" and get them to bed at 5 p.m. if necessary.

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  26. I think I will save this post forever so I can use your techniques, and all the ones in the comments.

    I let my son watch too much tv. Hes watching it right now while I read blogs.

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  27. Bwahahahah!

    My kids don't let me sing either.

    It's 10am and I still haven't gotten the kids dressed. They're still in soggy diapers.

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  28. This one is bad. Steel yourself. Sometimes in the mornings we eat ice cream for breakfast with a bunch of rolled oats on top. Grain, check. Dairy, check. Hey, ice cream doesn't really have much calcium so we should have extra big scoops.

    (Yum)

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  29. I got so annoyed when they started teaching A. to tell time in kindergarten. It works very much to my advantage that I can tell him, "It's bedtime! That's not the sun still in the sky...they're testing nuclear devices across the bay! G'night!"

    Fortunately the time thing hasn't really clicked with him and he believes me.

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  30. I hide the really obnoxious, noisy toys. My husband's grandma gave the kids a couple of these toys just before our 10 hour car ride back home...Oops! They got stashed in the luggage instead of in their seats. So sorry!

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  31. Oh, man, reverse psychology is the order of the day around our house. I am glad to know that I am not the only mom whose kids won't allow her to sing. I actually have a child who can't tolerate the sound of chewing, especially mine. She can't tolerate the sound of her older brother's breathing, either. Needless to say, dinner together is pretty hard. So we don't. (Oops! Did I just let that out?) I know I know I know, it is against all that is good parenting. So, what we do instead is have family time together every evening for about the same period of time dinner would have lasted (about 3.5 minutes) as there is no chewing going on. sigh I loved your post!

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  32. When they were too little to read, and I was too tired to read, I'd turn over the pages of the book two at a time. Somehow, they didn't seem to notice the disjointed plots.

    When they got older I'd say, "Hey! How about reading MOMMY a story? In my bed?" Then I'd keep telling them I was listening with my eyes closed.

    If they got a toy I hated, like the Easy Bake Oven, I'd send it over with them to their Dad's house on visitation weekends. I mean, they needed something to play with, right? Then I didn't have to eat horrible creations cooked with a lightbulb.

    angelawd

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  33. I am so glad I'm not the only one. In about a year mine will be old enough to pull the "clean the playroom" trick on.

    Many, many "masterpieces" and precious pieces of trash have found their way to the bottom of my trash can/recycling bin. "I don't know where that is," I say innocently. If she finds it in the trash, I say Daddy must have thrown it away.

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  34. I just did a whole post of confessions!
    http://kiwords.blogs.com/kiwords/2008/07/good-for-the-soul.html

    I feel so CLOSE to you now.

    Here's another one: I regret, almost daily, not introducing my children to spaghetti-o's early enough in their life that they weren't aware how bad they are. CURSES! I hate lunchtime JUST SO MUCH.

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  35. Hmmm. True confessions time. I used to give them bran muffins and tell them they were cookies. I hate scooping rock hard ice cream, so I tell them to go see Dad when they want dessert. It's sad, most times we don't even have dessert until they are in bed, so they don't get any. Gosh that sounds mean, doesn't it?

    I have been known to hide messy toys like Playdough and Legos and bury movies I don't like behind the documentaries. And I hate to read bedtime stories, so I taught them to read REALLY early - like 4.

    My oldest son and I flip each other off - all the time! I know it's tacky, but now it's like a little inside joke between us.

    I work so I don't see my boys much other than a couple of hours a night and then I'm so busy doing my thing and checking my E-mails and blogs that I am constantly telling them to hush up so I can concentrate. So much for "quality time".

    I think we should have a bad Mommy award. I bet I'd win.

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  36. oooh, this is such a fun game.
    I'm learning so many naughty/good tricks for when my boys are older.

    My blog has a recent post of all kinds of confessions though. I love it when everyone tells the truth!

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  37. I do not always use my "Angel Mother" voice. And I sometimes have a very creative vocabulary, but other than that I am quite perfect.

    Goodness! If you only knew

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  38. I wish I had fun confessions, but I think I'll have to save them for the time when I become a mom. I've loved reading yours and all the commenters' though.

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  39. My 20-month-old just said "Oh dit."

    I'm really going to have stop saying that word.

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  40. Anonymous4:51 PM

    My children always thought they were pulling one over on me at bedtime. They knew they could stay up later if they got me talking about dating and marrying their father. It did work, but what they didn't realize is that I also got to bear my testimony about the importance of temple marriage and living the gospel. Ha!!! Now, that was sneaky.

    You've heard that quote from "Field of Dreams" "build it and they will come?" Now, I've found that if I go and sit in the livingroom, they (the kids) will come. We always have such a great visit and all I have to do is go in there and sit for a few moments. It never fails.:)

    Celeste

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  41. Ok... You crack me up!!! I found your blog a few weeks ago and find that I laugh so hard each time I read a new post. I now have so many friends reading it too!

    My confession... Sometimes we take the day off. I don't mean take the day off like most people do. I mean we really take the day off. We stay in our PJ's, each popcorn for breakfast and ice cream for lunch and don't worry about doing anything. When my sweet husband gets home he is good to say, "Cool! A day off!" I have to admit though. With five kids, it is harder and harder to completely take the day off. :) Even though I seem to need it more and more. The irony!!! :)

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  42. Man, I think we were separated at birth. On Christmas Eve my kids get Nyquil in their "Christmas Punch". AND,
    I have a two fold agenda when I "sacrifice" and let my husband go play with whatever his current obsession is. 1.)While he is gone I get to watch all the girl movies I want (of coarse after my children were lovingly put to bed very early) 2.) He owes me really big upon his return which I stockpile for huge paybacks.

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  43. One time, we were really poor and my daughter (13 years old then) had a growth spurt. Needed all new clothes. And she was very fashion conscious. She would die before she'd step into a thrift store. So I gave my sister $20 and sent her to the thrift store and she bought a bunch of clothes, put them in big black bags and brought them over saying they were hand-me-downs from a cousin in another state. My daughter loved them and wore them happily. I waited until she was 20 before I told her the truth.

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  44. Sometimes I tell Boo that it is cereal for dinner just because I don't want to cook.

    Mine are very similar to yours. I tell the kids to clean their rooms so that they will leave me alone for a while.

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  45. OK, I'm confessing. When I had 4 kids under 6 and the 1 pm church schedule, I used to give the 2 youngest a spoonful of Triaminic before heading off to church. Primary was first, so by the time they got to Sacrament meeting they were asleep after the Sacrament. All the other moms in the ward would comment on how lucky I was that those two kids slept through the meeting.
    Little did they know!

    P.S. This is no secret to my kids. It's kind of a family joke.

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  46. LOLOLOL, all these fabulous tips! And I totally use the clean up your room one. My kids are 2 and 4 and have seen Cars a MILLION times, b/c they will watch the WHOLE thing and I can blog/sleep/veg on the couch and catch up on my DVR'd crap without them bugging me!

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  47. I confess I may leave slighly poopy (a shmear) sheets on the bed of the baby if I've all ready done the laundry.

    I confess that the three night's it my responsibility to brush the kids teeth I don't. I know it takes two seconds, but that's two seconds more I get for myself. Huh. Now I feel kinda bad. I wonder whose night it was tonight?

    I confess that when my daughter brings me her boogies, if the dog id not nearby, I wipe it along the side of the couch. Oh yeah- always wear pants when sitting on our couch. Oh my husband would be so grossed out!



    I also confess that on night's my husband works late I let our two year old eat chips and guacamole in our bed. I laugh when she drips it All over because I know it is so wrong. Then when my husband comes home I tell him he did it the other night and that I hope he knows he going to wash the comforter.

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  48. First off... if you really think about it, pumpkin pie is a GREAT breakfast food! Eggs, milk, bread AND veggies! C'mon! like it's somehow worse than Coco Roos or doughnuts.

    Second off... it is a family TRADITION to mess with the clocks and send your kids to bed early every now and again. My mom did it, and her mother before her, what the heck kind of ingrate would I be if I did not take the superior parenting tools I have been given and USE them?

    And, ahem... I do not make it a priority to have the kids brush their teeth until they lose their first baby tooth, and start getting their permanent teeth. Whuh... they are just gonna drop out in a few years anyways...

    And as far as tossing artwork? My friend? In this house full of artistry, that is simple self preservation. This place would be a freakin' firehazard if I didn't.

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  49. I throw away, I hide the good stuff and I totally eat candy and crap behind the kids backs. Videogames? Fine. All day? Don't bother me and I won't bother you.

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  50. When my kid periodically wets the bed I often forget to change the sheets before the next bedtime. It's dry by then and I can't smell anything. Yeah, sorta gross.

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  51. McDonalds lunch dinner whatever because I'm too tired to argue. But we now get it with Apples?? Still good right?

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  52. Maddison11:57 AM

    I totally hate not being able to trick them into going to bed early by closing all the blinds, too! Drat!

    Let's see... sometimes I will want them to do something that I know they'll protest so I make something up that's way worse to do and tell them to choose between the two things. MOST of the time it works!

    Oh, and, like all kids, my girls always want to have a bite of my food, sip of my drink, etc. So, I discovered the only way to keep them from siphoning all my food is to put hot sauce on it - so far so good. Except now the eldest claims to like hot stuff - time to up the temp a few! I haven't figured out the drink thing, though... suggestions anyone??

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  53. We don't let the boy have toys at the table during mealtimes, but sometimes the only way I can get him to eat anything is if Mr. Tato Head or Liming NaQueen tells him it's delicious and could they please have a bite, too? Ugh. I hate mealtimes.

    And we usually only pull out the treats AFTER the kids have gone to bed. I mean, really, who's had the harder day?

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  54. I love #2... I'm filing that away for a later time!! #3 is great too... Really I like all your confessions! I wish I had a good one of my own to share. My daughter is still quite young though... I do enjoy that she's at the age where I can feed her noodles for dinner every night and she thinks I'm the greatest mom ever! It really makes meal time easy, since my husband works swing shift and I can't be bothered to cook an elaborate meal for me and a 16 month old :D

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  55. Oh my gosh! I have found my sisterhood! Totally taking notes, btw.

    Let's see... Our kids both have TV/DVD players in their rooms. My hubby actually did that one. They have pretty much every kid movie ever made. They don't watch the same thing over and over like most kids so we have to keep buying more movies.

    I'm really bad about making them eat veggies. Ketchup is made of tomatoes. Doritos are made from corn. And like one of the other commenters mentioned, pumpkin pie is a balanced meal.

    I used to work at home. Now, I tell them mommy's working just so I can sit and read blogs.

    I hide stashes of candy and cookies. I hide some in my hands sometimes and sneak bites right in front of them. For the longest time, I could eat candy openly in front of them and they had no idea what it was. Now they do. (Thanks Grandpa.) They still have never had soda. Obviously I don't like sharing my addictions.

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  56. I "taught" my son to sleep in late, only because I want to. And when he does wake up early, I just pretend I can't hear him.

    Today I put him in his car seat but forgot to put the straps on until I was pulling out of the driveway.

    Daddy is in charge of bedtime because "it is good bonding time" but really I just don't want to do it.

    I encourage my son to talk to strangers in the store. It keeps him entertained and he doesn't throw a tantrum. Hundreds of people I don't know have seen his big belly, his muscles, and now know what sound a pirate, a bear, and a kung foo fighter make.

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  57. I thought of another one.....
    My daughter (5) has a friend that drives me nuts, and one day my daughter kept bugging me to call her friend to see if she could play. I kept putting her off, saying "later" until I couldn't stand her asking anymore. I pretended to call this girls mother, leaving a fake message for her to call us back, and told my daughter they weren't home! Evil I know!

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  58. We always turn the clock forward on New Years Eve and when the first countdown happens in NYC, we tell them that is it and make them go to bed.

    :-)

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  59. bek-That is standard New Year's Eve procedure around here. I'm just concerned that they get enough sleep--yeah, that's it.

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  60. My kids were really old before they learned batteries can be replaced. The toy would die, and I would say, brightly, "Oh too bad! The batteries are dead." And they would be sad, and the obnoxious piano/crying doll/whatever it was would mercifully be quiet. I was soo annoyed when a well-meaning, childless man said, "But batteries can be replaced!" and ruined it for me.

    Also, I trained them all to let me sleep in the morning. They can totally get themselves ready for school, and if they wake before me on Saturdays, they will read in bed or watch cartoons and let me sleep. They can cook breakfast now, too, should they feel so inclined.

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  61. Well I once handcuffed 2 of my boys together w/gb ties. They were fighting terribly and it stopped them cold.

    I ate all the good candy from halloween and I still blame them for my gas.

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  62. Sometimes when my toddler won't nap (or really doesn't need to because she slept until 10 am) but is making me crazy (or there's a really good movie on TV), I put her in her bed and tell her she doesn't have to sleep but she has to rest, and I leave her there for an hour or two. Sometimes she falls asleep, sometimes she plays with her dolls and sings at the top of her lungs, and I get to watch inappropriate television. Win-win, no?

    I think the lazy ways are rubbing off on her, though: sometimes I tell her to clean up her toys or else I'll throw them away, and she picks them up and puts them in the trash herself.

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  63. When time changed in the fall (fall back, so it's actually an hour earlier, right?), I didn't change the clocks in the house. The kids who were in elementary school went to bed at 7:00 for 2 weeks before they caught on.

    I did this two times, but with different sets of kids.

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  64. When daddy gets tired of the toy explosion in the living room, he makes the older kids put them all in storage bins and take them to the attic. Then he can't understand why the little kids start messing with all of daddy's stuff. They have nothing else to do. I could care less if the toys get put away, as long as they sweep a path for me to walk through the rooms. I'll have plenty of time to clean when the youngest starts school in 3 years.

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  65. Found your site through friends, and I really don't want to contribute to your death, so here I am commenting. You've inspired me to make some confessions of my own. Thanks.

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  66. my 18 month old goes down for a nap around 2pm and he sleeps for about 2 hours... but when he wakes up, and i know he wakes up because i hear him happily cooing in the dark, i leave him to play in his crib... sometimes for an hour... i figure if he isn't upset enough to yell for me then he can happily play in his crib while i get the dishes done without his "assistance", right?

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  67. I don't eat my vegetables but I make my son do it. The thing is, my otherwise scarily observant child hasn't noticed that I don't eat mine. If he ever pointed this out to me, I would be forced to eat my veggies with a smile so he would keep eating his, but he hasn't said anything to me. Not once.

    Don't tell him, though, because I really hate cooked greens.

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  68. Oh yes, I'm totally with you on it's okay if the kids hate mom as long as they're happy doing it together. Also the good-thing-they-can't-tell-time 6:15 bedtime. Works even better on dark winter afternoons.

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  69. This is great! I'm so happy to know that Im not the only one that does sneaky stuff. I do a lot of the same things some of these other moms do. I sometimes skip pages when I'm reading bedtime stories and my son is only 3 so he doesn't notice. I will tell him his favorite aunt likes some vegetable and he'll usually eat it or if it's a animated movie he'll watch it so I can get some blessed time by myself long enough to go to the bathroom or maybe brush my teeth in silence. Oh the things us moms do for our sanity!

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  70. Thanks for a great laugh. Sometimes when I am down and dreary (in the boggs of depression) I need a little something, or someone, in your case, to brighten my day.

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