In Which I Pretend To Be One Of Those Good At Picture Posts Bloggers

Pin It

(Look, I even centered the text.)

(I KNOW. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.)

On Saturday, after three soccer games in two hours...

...we decided to bag the housework...

...and head over to Ye Olden Medieval Times Parke...

Otherwise known as the Pleasant Grove Discovery Park

...where we overbundled our protesting baby...

...slid down a few poles...

...and made beautiful music together.

Not yet ready to call it a day, because LOOK:

...we headed over to Highland Glen park, where we did NOT fish (this time)...

...but threw rocks in the river...

...and danced down a trail...

On Sunday we drove down to the Spanish Fork River Park...

...but the park gates were still locked, and we couldn't get in.

Bummer.

We ended up at the Canyon View park in Provo Canyon, where we stopped for a picnic...

...and then went for a walk...

...and climbed up and down a mountain...

(at a Sunday approved pace, of course)

...and, as ever, posed for pictures.

It was a busy weekend, and by the time we got home we were tired

and I will admit to doing a little of this:

and a little of this:

It was a perfect antidote

for our buckets 'o stress

and now, knee-deep in lots of things I would prefer not to be knee-deep in
if I had the choice
(which, it appears, I do NOT)

I keep wishing it was Saturday all over again.

How was your weekend?

PS: The winner of the ring giveaway was Andrea. Congrats! Thanks to Codi and her husband for the fun ring giveaway.


SUBSCRIBE

Did They Like It? Wild West Veteran's Memorial Park, West Jordan, Utah

Pin It

(Look, I even centered the text.)

(I KNOW. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.)

On Saturday, after three soccer games in two hours...

...we decided to bag the housework...

...and head over to Ye Olden Medieval Times Parke...

Otherwise known as the Pleasant Grove Discovery Park

...where we overbundled our protesting baby...

...slid down a few poles...

...and made beautiful music together.

Not yet ready to call it a day, because LOOK:

...we headed over to Highland Glen park, where we did NOT fish (this time)...

...but threw rocks in the river...

...and danced down a trail...

On Sunday we drove down to the Spanish Fork River Park...

...but the park gates were still locked, and we couldn't get in.

Bummer.

We ended up at the Canyon View park in Provo Canyon, where we stopped for a picnic...

...and then went for a walk...

...and climbed up and down a mountain...

(at a Sunday approved pace, of course)

...and, as ever, posed for pictures.

It was a busy weekend, and by the time we got home we were tired

and I will admit to doing a little of this:

and a little of this:

It was a perfect antidote

for our buckets 'o stress

and now, knee-deep in lots of things I would prefer not to be knee-deep in
if I had the choice
(which, it appears, I do NOT)

I keep wishing it was Saturday all over again.

How was your weekend?

PS: The winner of the ring giveaway was Andrea. Congrats! Thanks to Codi and her husband for the fun ring giveaway.


SUBSCRIBE

I Now Present: Tragic Things That Have Happened To My Hair

Pin It I was writing a post about My Weight Loss Journey Through The Years, but kept getting distracted by MY HAIR MY HAIR THE HUMANITY!

This is from my sophmore year of high school. I'm the one on the lower left who looks about 10 years old.  I'd chopped my hair from waist length to this - this - this - whatever this is right here.

I LOVED IT.

(See my friend on the right there?  She had naturally curly hair and OH how I envied it.  (Although looking at this picture, I'm not sure why. She looks completely insane.)

Next followed several years of longer hair with sticky-uppy bangs but unfortunately I can't find that photo album.  Rest assured that my hair was a fine testament to the combined power of Aquanet and a blow dryer.

I then went with The Bob for a while before switching enthusiastically to The Mushroom (aka The Salad Bowl).

This is one of my engagement photos. I believe it is probably the most literal interpretation of The Salad Bowl that has ever been seen - before or since. (I am not entirely sure WHY we are standing in a tree, and YET THE FACT REMAINS.  We are standing in a tree. Our photographer was a GENIUS.)  

Here's another one. Love how I'm rockin' the white sport socks and black shoes. (I have always been incredibly stylish, tis true.)

Here's a snapshot from my wedding day.  Notice the wedding veil comb thingy sticking out from my veil?  In every single picture taken that day, the clip is prominently featured.  I don't know why someone didn't tuck the dang thing in already. But I suppose it is sort of apt, considering my penchant for walking around with tags hanging off of my clothing, zippers undone, and mismatched shoes.  It would've been sort of fraudulent to appear totally together in my wedding pictures, don't you think?

I should note that it didn't even occur to me that I should have someone do my hair or make-up for me on My Special Day.  I just woke up an hour before we were supposed to be there, brushed it a few times and figured - hey - it would be covered up by my veil anyway. (See?  You see the many levels of fashion and beauty obliviousness we're talking about here?) 

The mushroom cut in Technicolor.  I'm not sure why I thought this was attractive.  I look like a thirteen year old boy.  (As does my husband.)

I like to call this one Vampires Having Fun With Barrettes.

(Good grief.  I am practically translucent.)

I have bajillions more, but I think have reached my Traumatic Hair Disclosure Limit for the day.

Have I helped you to feel better about yourself today?  Comparatively at least?  I HOPE SO.

And now I will go, but before I do, I will leave you with this uncomfortable little gem from last year.

I like to call it THE RETURN OF THE MUSHROOM.

ALL HAIL.

(You're welcome.)

SUBSCRIBE

How To Look Like You Know What You're Doing On Twitter

Pin It

(This is the second installment in my new series Sometimes on Wednesdays I Like To Talk About Blogging.  Except I'm not actually talking about blogging this time.)(LASH ME WITH NOODLES) 

(Part 1, This Is Me, Taking Back All Of That Stuff I Said About Twitter, can be found here.)

(Oh, and if you're on Twitter, feel free to leave your twitter name in the comments so we can all follow each other.)

If you decide to Tweet...

So you've decided to tweet, you have an account, and you understand the basics (put an "@" before someone's twitter name to talk directly to them, put a "d " before someone's twitter name to send them a private (direct) message, and start your tweet with "RT" to re-post something someone else has already said.).  

Now what?

First, upload a picture
There is nothing worse than talking back and forth with the Evil Faceless Bluebird icon.  I'm sure you are a very nice person underneath your pastel birdy mask, but HOW DO WE KNOW?  You could be a serial killer or a robot.  Make yourself seem more like a person and less like a spam-bot by uploading a profile picture so that others have a smiling face to remember you by, instead of the default twitter bluebird pic. And make sure your twitter handle is something that makes sense in conjunction with your blog name/handle, and is something easy to remember, not just 42TWEETIE9388.

Follow a bunch of people
If the point of Twitter is to network and connect with other bloggers (and your mileage may vary on that point), then you need people to connect WITH, including brand spanking new bloggers who you'd like to get to know.

Not sure who to follow?  Find someone you like on Twitter, and check out who THEY follow.  Some of them have whole lists of people you can follow, like "funny bloggers" or "clever tweeps."

Oh, and by the way - you don't have to know someone to follow them. If someone is on Twitter and they're not protecting their tweets from non-approved followers, then they expect (and often even hope) that people will follow them and respond to their tweets.

Use hashtags when appropriate
If you're tweeting about a particular topic, you can include a hashtag (#) to make sure your tweet is seen by people who share your interests and who might be searching for related items.

For example, when I tweet a giveaway, I include the hashtag #giveaway, and subsequently, any Twitter user who searches for "giveaway" will see my tweet. You don't have to use hashtags every time (I rarely do), but when it's appropriate, using a hashtag will make sure interested eyes see your tweets. You can also use hashtags to find people who are interested in the same things you are (like #LOST or #ROLLERBLADING or #HORRIBLEWAYSTODIE) and follow them. 

Hashtags are also used in Twitter "parties" - where scads of people "meet" at a particular time to tweet about a particular subject, using a specific hashtag.  I tried my first party last night, and frankly, it was sort of like a bad high school flashback - the room was full of people I didn't know, nobody talked to me, and I had no idea what to say to get invested in the conversation. AWKWARD.  (But I probably need to try it again once or twice before calling it.)


Do As I Say, Not As I Do...

I may or may not have broken each and every one of these guidelines at various points in my very short Twitter career.  And some of them I still ignore. Sue me.

Don't use Twitter exclusively to spam people with your personal links
I made this mistake at first, only jumping on Twitter to post links to my latest post or links to my giveaways, and the result was a collective yawn. Nobody cared. 

It's like walking into a stranger's living room and announcing that you'd like to read them a little something from your blog. If you're a virtual stranger, the reception will probably be extremely awkward silence and/or the twitter equivalent of a police escort - UNFOLLOW. But if your followers see you now and then, if they're used to seeing your smiling face, used to seeing you participate, have seen a few thoughtful/useful/silly tweets from you in the past - well then sure, they might take a look at your blog link.

Be sure to occasionally RT other people's tweets, and to tweet other people's blog content
If you are using Twitter solely to self-promote, people catch on pretty quick.  Twitter is a community, so contribute to the community as a whole and not just to yourself - by retweeting items you think are of value. 

Try not to monopolize the conversation...
(...she said, blushing.) Sometimes I get on twitter and my friends are there, and I start jabbering away, tweety-tweet-tweet.  I forget that not everyone who follows me wants to see The Sue Show complete with 500 Tweets O' Nonsense, all in a 60 second period, so that it is impossible to see anything else in their tweet stream. I may be chortling to myself on my end of the keyboard, but other people - maybe not so much.

Sometimes those conversations are best taken to DM (direct message - a way to privately tweet back and forth).  I also try to remember to use a DM when all I have to say in my reply is something that doesn't really stand alone as a tweet, like "thanks!"

(Oh, and by the way, you can only Direct Message people who are following you. Try not to be offended if you find out they aren't. Sometimes they don't even realize they aren't following you, especially if you've just been chatting.) 

Some people frown on using Twitter as a chat room
Not ME, but Some People. Those folks would probably also tell you to TRY not to tweet something in pieces - first 140 characters of your thought, next 140 characters of your thought.  They feel each thought/tweet should be stand-alone and separate, so that someone doesn't have to scroll back through the entire conversation to understand what you're talking about. Personally? I think These People should probably relax.

Keep in mind that it isn't email
People don't always read every tweet sent in their direction, and people don't respond to every tweet.  YOU don’t have to read every tweet. If I tweet at someone and they don't respond, I just assume they're not online.  Or they're online but otherwise occupied. No biggie. If I really need to talk to them, I send them an email.  Twitter isn't like with blogs, where there is all of this assumed reciprocal commenting obligation. Jump on Twitter when you feel like it, and jump OFF Twitter when you feel like it. No need to say "Good night Twitter."  Although many of us (yes, that includes me) just CANNOT HELP OURSELVES. See?

Lastly...
No one asked me to write this, no one paid me to write this. Twitter is my shiny new toy, so I feel like bringing it out for Show and Tell, even though I'm still learning to use it.  That said, I don't particularly care if you use Twitter or not (other than being happy to have new tweeps). Use Twitter, don't use Twitter - that's your deal - so please, no comments about whether or not I've convinced you.  I'm not trying to convince you.  I'm writing this mostly because I wish someone would've pulled ME aside a few months ago, and really explained Twitter to me back when I was all Scoffity McScofferson.

I often hear people explain Twitter by saying it's for giving status updates that are too short for your blog, and sure, that's a possible use, but that is NOT THE POINT OF TWITTER.  Twitter is a great networking tool. People talk on Twitter.  People plan things on Twitter.  People get introduced to each other on Twitter. It's starting to heavily influence what goes on in the blog world - it's even starting to replace comments (someone posts a link to their post, people on Twitter read it and they respond ON TWITTER).

Put simply, I'll quote Gigamom: "If you're not tweeting, you're missing half the conversation."  Whether or not you care about that? Is totally up to you.

OK more experienced Twitter friends - what did I leave out?  

PS:  Don't forget to leave your Twitter name in the comments, if you have one, so that I (and others) can follow you.  Mine is @suelikestoblog
PPS:  My blogroll is temporarily down but will be up again in a few days, all re-jiggered-like.

SUBSCRIBE

I Think Fernando Is Back

Pin It

(The Hubs and I make pretty cute babies, I know. Weird genetic fluke.)

I love this picture. He's so adorable and pink and delicious in that picture, but that is not my favorite thing about it.

My favorite thing about this picture is that it's a PICTURE and that he is MUTE.

(BLESSED BLESSED SILENCE.)

Remember how after he was born he would scream and scream and scream and scream?

Yes.

Well.

APPARENTLY THAT WAS NOT A PHASE.

Here is what I get to listen to ALL. DAY. LONG:

He makes this noise CONSTANTLY.

He is not hungry.

He is not tired.

He is not wet.

There are no tears in his eyes.

He is just EXTREMELY FOND of hearing his own voice.

OH, bonus! Here's one with growling:

(And for the record, after quite a bit of growling and fussing and acting like he was starving to death he would not eat ONE BIT OF HIS FOOD, but instead decided that the thought of eating was DISGUSTING TO HIM, IT WAS DISGUSTING, HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO FEED FERNANDO GREEN BEANS?!! I DEMAND APPLESAUCE! Squawk squawk peevish squawk!)

I'm starting to think he is... ...a little bit spoiled.

I blame this ENTIRELY on the children, because I can't put him down for even a second without one of the kids swooping in to rescue him from his hellish life of Playing On A Blanket With A Toy.

What I say: "Don't pick him up. He's changed, fed and happy - let him play."

What Megan hears: "The baby will die of a broken heart unless I pick him up in 3.5 seconds."

What I say: "GUYS. FOR THE LOVE. Leave him be. He's content. He needs to practice sitting. DO NOT PICK HIM UP."

What Emma hears: "Pick up your brother and play rocketship with him. HURRY before he is completely traumatized by all of the sitting."

What I say: "I want to get the noises the baby is making on tape, EVERYONE LEAVE HIM ALONE for a second so I can get him in his natural state."

What Jake hears: "Surely five seconds is far too long for a baby to be left to his own devices. I MUST PROVIDE HIM WITH ENTERTAINMENT IMMEDIATELY."

And what is the result? A baby who is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of entertaining himself for even ten second increments.

The baby is kind of a little con artist already, which makes me wonder what exactly we are in for in over the next few years.

"What, you want me to play by myself down here? Seriously?"

"What if I make the sad face? Will someone pick me up if I make the sad face? No?"

"Oh, FINE, I ADMIT IT, I'm HAPPY."

(heaven help us)

PS: (Don't even get me started on his nightly 3AM social hour. After he's eaten and back in his crib, he likes to stay up for a good 45 minutes, yelling joyfully and squealing. "HELLOOO? MOTHER?? I'M JUST CHECKING IN TO SEE IF YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD EVENING? HELLOOO? FATHER? FATHER? PERHAPS IT IS TIME FOR SOME BABY NINJA WRESTLING? YES? NO? HELLOOO?")

PPS: Did I mention that this Friday's giveaway, among other things, will include tickets to A CERTAIN EVENT that some of you might want to attend, with the intials C. B. and C.?  Did I mention that?  BECAUSE IT WILL. Wheeee!

PPPS: My friend Kristina is doing something pretty awesome this month. Go check it out.

SUBSCRIBE

Farewell Sweet Maiden

Pin It One thing I like to ponder is my own death. I have very specific ideas about how to achieve the funeral of my dreams. In our religion we're supposed to have these funerals that are uplifting, focusing on the fact that we'll be together again someday and making sure everyone knows all about that good news, leaving everyone feeling good.

And I know other people want their friends and family to have a big party, celebrating their life. That's so nice, I think.

But I don't want that. I want everyone to cry over me, a LOT. Because I'm DEAD. I'm FREAKING DEAD. I mean, come on. Party on your own time, this is my FUNERAL we're talking about. Show some respect, and by respect I mean, show everyone how you just cannot picture the world without my bright shining light of awesome lightness and how it will pain you to go on for even ONE MORE SECOND. Geez.

Unfortunately, when I tell my husband my final wishes, his response is usually to roll his eyes or laugh at me, or start muttering some more, so I thought I should post my final requests in a more public forum so that if I kick the bucket anytime soon he will have no choice but to obey my wishes. Accordingly, here are my FINAL WISHES:

1. I would like to give the eulogy, via a pre-recorded video. I think that would be really touching. Believe me, nobody will be more broken up over my death than me, you know? I can really lend it that air of gravitas and reverence, what with all of the incoherent sobbing I will do on the video. And also it might really freak a lot of people out which amuses me.

2. If that won't work because I die before I get around to making the video, I would like either my brother Mark or my sister Diana to give the eulogy, mostly because I'm pretty sure they would both fall apart and start crying on stage, which is always good for getting the audience going. Diana would probably get REALLY upset and fall into unflattering snorfle type crying (such is the sisterly love we share) which would be ugly but also super touching. Alternatively, my sister Wendy is an actress AND also kind of a wuss, and my sister-in-law Holly is an ultra-dependable public cryer.

3. If they give the eulogy, I'm at least WRITING IT. I mean gosh. How else will they know how to narrarate the powerpoint presentation I put together with highlights of my life? Besides, I've already spent a lot of time writing the dang thing.

4. I would also like to give the musical number, because hey, how touching would that be, having the dead girl sing at her own funeral. Not a dry eye in the house, that's how touching. I'm thinking I could sing something subtle and understated like My Immortal by Evanescence or Fantine's Death from Les Mis, something like that.

5. If I am in a bad accident, and there is some question about whether or not I am brain dead, I say leave the machines on. Because you never know. I might come back.

6. But if I do appear to be pretty much deadish, please give someone my organs. And then, after they have my organs, please send them a little picture of me to keep on a shelf somewhere, so that when they wake up in the night and look around with their donated eyeballs, they'll see me staring RIGHT at them, kind of like I'm haunting them, but in a nice way. Like that.

7. I hope my husband will remarry quickly. He's an affectionate sort and he would get far too melancholy without someone around to hug him a lot, plus the children would need a mother. Therefore, I think he should marry an old spinster type - someone completely unattractive but with a sweet spirit. If that won't work, he should at least (as I've mentioned before) not marry anyone younger than 25, or smaller than a size eight. (Seriously hon, a 19 year old might be hot, but she'd be REALLY annoying. She'd probably make faces at you if you decided to bake and eat a can of cinnamon rolls at ten o'clock on a Sunday night. ME? I don't judge. In fact, I care so much about your feelings that you can always count on me to sacrifice and eat them WITH you. I'm a giver.)

I think that's it. That's all I can think of right now at least. How about you?

SUBSCRIBE

This Is Me, Taking Back All Of That Stuff I Said About Twitter

Pin It (This is part of a new series I'm doing called Sometimes on Wednesdays I Like To Talk About Blogging.)

I was dragged into Twitter kicking and screaming.  KICKING AND SCREAMING, y'all.

(When I'm kicking and screaming I'm from Texas.)

I protested that it was a waste of time.

I was already doing too much online.

And besides it was {{stage whisper}} - Just Kind Of Dumb.

I emailed back and forth with a fellow Twitter hater, saying "it's nothing more than name dropping and virtual social climbing."  "140 characters of insipid nothing."

Ahem.

After about a month-and-a-half of ACTIVE participation I now have to admit that I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but OH SO VERY WRONG.

(Somewhere out in internet land Azucar is smirking, because SHE TOLD ME SO.)

I'm here to tell you that if you are trying to grow a platform because you're an aspiring author or life coach or a singer or dinosaur trainer or WHATEVER, or (probably far more likely) if you're a blogger who is serious about blogging and growing your readership - you might want to check into Twitter.

(If you're above things like traffic and readership then feel free to happily ignore me.)


Here is why you need Twitter...

Twitter is a great way to get to know other bloggers
This is the beauty of Twitter - you get a chance to talk to folks who are not already in your blogging circle (and who might not even be on your radar), and it can help you to get better acquainted with bloggers who you already know and love. I'd never read Natalie or Loralee until I met them on Twitter (tragic oversights in both cases), but now they are both must reads.  I read Kristy's blog for years, but had never had an actual conversation with her until I found her on Twitter and we bonded over babies and blog conferences. And where else can I have random conversations with Finslippy about easter candy and hero worship?



Twitter can help drive traffic to your blog
After only a month or two of active participation, Twitter is now my fourth highest source of blog traffic.  Kind of remarkable when you consider that I've been blogging since 2007.

Of course, you won't get traffic if you just sign up and lurk around.  You have to actually SAY STUFF and TALK TO PEOPLE and you have to have followers - because followers are the people who will click on the bright shiny links you post and who might share those links with others.

So how do you get followers?

WHY I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

Here are a few tried and true methods (and by tried and true I mean that over the ginormous period of time I've been on Twitter these methods appear to be working well enough):

• Friend of a Friend: People notice when someone they follow has a fun conversation with you.  Of course, since they aren't following you yet, they can only see half of the conversation.  Sometimes they'll take the leap and decide to follow you so that they can read the whole thing. (Twitter is eavesdropping HEAVEN.)

• Retweets: If you post a link to your fantastically clever blog post, one of your tweeps (twitter friends) might retweet it (basically reposting it for THEIR followers).  If some of those folks find it useful/funny/interesting, they might follow you.

• Introducing Yourself: You can have a conversation with someone you don't know.  If they enjoy the conversation, they might follow you.

• The Power of Suggestion: On Follow Friday (#ff) your existing tweeps might suggest that others follow you. 

• Following: If you follow someone, they just might follow you back. Or they might not.  Don't be offended either way, some people (AHEM) are just a little scattered and forgetful. 

The end result is that more people have a chance to get to know you, and to get to know your writing and your blog.  All good stuff.

Twitter gives you access to information you won't get anywhere else
Twitter is all about information - whether it's information you read on a link someone tweets, or information gained just by BEING IN THE ROOM when people are busy planning/plotting/organizing/befriending.


A few things to keep in mind:

YES, Twitter can be a massive waste of time
Just like blogging, Twitter CAN BE a massive time suck. You have to find a balance that works for you. I tend to keep a twitter window open while I'm working in the mornings, and will tweet sporadically throughout the morning - especially if someone like Beck or Stephanie is online. But when I'm done working, I usually try to TURN OFF THE LAPTOP and leave Twitter (and blogging) behind until my kids are in bed.

Twitter can be confusing at first
You log on and look around and think - um, what in the what what?  Nobody you know is automatically there.  It's just a list of strangers saying really bizarre things.



That's why you have to find people to follow. 

Then Twitter looks more like this:



There are lots of free applications that can help you to make sense of what's going on. 

I like HootSuite. There's a column on the left where I can see what all of the people who I follow are saying, a column in the middle where I can see what people are saying to or about ME, and a third column for private (direct) messages 'specially for me.   



So there you have it.

Mea culpa Twitter.

Please to forgive.

Next week, unless I forget/get too tired/run off and join the circus, I'll post my suggestions for how to get started on Twitter without making a fool of yourself (LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, PEOPLE. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES).

Now get out there and tweet your brains out.

You can find me on Twitter at @suelikestoblog, overusing capital letters and emoticons.

SUBSCRIBE

I Have a Confession To Make

Pin It You guys.

I tried the HCG diet.

(I KNOW, I know, I know.  "Crash dieting never works."  "You have to make lifestyle changes."  "Moderation in all things."  I KNOW.  You don't have to tell me.)

But if I'm going to have to meet a bunch of people in February, I would prefer to be - not in the largest pants size I've ever owned.  That would be my preference.

If you haven't heard of the HCG diet before, it is basically - complete insanity.  Basically, you starve yourself  and you take HCG hormone shots, you can't use lotion or oily make-up or cook anything that would require you to even momentarily touch something fatty, and you - I don't know - spin around three times in the dark and whisper "please make me beautiful" until it all works together to make you lose weight. (Or else, as I suspect, it's just the fact that you are STARVING YOURSELF that is effective and the rest is all complete BS.)

You can't exercise, which means my running program went on a temporary hiatus.  The official reason for this has something to do with burning calories from the "wrong" fat stores, but really, I think it is because they know you would KEEL OVER AND DIE, and they don't want to be responsible for it.

The diet has phases - Phase 1, where you eat like a crazed hippopotamus for two days (this is called "Fat Loading" and it was my Very Favorite Phase); Phase 2, where you eat 500 calories per day for 23 or 43 days, depending upon how clinically insane your doctor is; Phase 3, which they call "Stabilization" and where you basically eat no carbs; and Phase 4, the maintenance phase, where you ease in a few carbs, gain everything back, and start all over again.

(Listen.  I know how crazy it sounds. I have read billions of nutrition/diet/fitness/healthy lifestyle books. I am very good about READING about how to get and stay fit, just not so good at the actual implementation. I know all about how crash dieting effects your metabolism, your muscle mass, etc., etc., etc.  I know about all of it.  I'm not fat because I don't understand these things.  But desperate people do desperate things.   And after viewing Certain Christmas Pictures That Have Been DESTROYED, DESTROYED, DESTROYED, I would say that desperate just about sums it up for me.)

I started reading The Literature (from back in the 1950s - so - Highly Credible), and it sounded vaguely convincing, if you squinted and really WANTED it to be convincing and were willing to ignore all of the other things you knew about nutrition, fitness and metabolism.  And I know a lot of people who have done this diet, who have done WELL on this diet - people who are NOT actually clinically insane, but rather rational, intelligent people.  So I thought - what do I have to lose (besides, as it turns out, large clumps of my hair)? 

I tried it.  For the two fat loading days, and then for eight days of starvation.

The Pros:

• I lost 14 pounds in 8 days. (I suspect 80% of that loss is water, since I look not a smidgeon different.)
• My carb and sugar cravings are completely gone.
• I am completely off the sauce (Diet Dr. Pepper)
• I wasn't hungry, strangely enough.

The Cons:

• The aforementioned hair loss
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Skin like an alligator
• The inability to form complete sentences
• Migraines and vomiting (A HA!)
• Lost work time (due to staring at my computer wondering what the little buttons with letters on them were for)
• Irritability (if by irritability you mean completely losing my nut twenty times each day) (my children LOVED this diet)

Yesterday I started blacking out, so - as of yesterday, I switched to a sensible low carb plan that will allow me to - not starve. OH, SWEET FOOD. SWEET EGGS AND SALAD AND CHICKEN.  SWEET NOT DYING OF STARVATION. SWEET BRAIN CLARITY.

So now here I am, 14 pounds lighter but still having vertigo today.  I'm going to jump back into my running / weights program tomorrow (or as soon as the constant dizziness goes away).

And THAT is My HCG story.

Please folks, don't try this at home.

(Do I win for the craziest crash diet story ever?)