Thursday, February 25, 2010

Farewell Sweet Maiden

Pin It One thing I like to ponder is my own death. I have very specific ideas about how to achieve the funeral of my dreams. In our religion we're supposed to have these funerals that are uplifting, focusing on the fact that we'll be together again someday and making sure everyone knows all about that good news, leaving everyone feeling good.

And I know other people want their friends and family to have a big party, celebrating their life. That's so nice, I think.

But I don't want that. I want everyone to cry over me, a LOT. Because I'm DEAD. I'm FREAKING DEAD. I mean, come on. Party on your own time, this is my FUNERAL we're talking about. Show some respect, and by respect I mean, show everyone how you just cannot picture the world without my bright shining light of awesome lightness and how it will pain you to go on for even ONE MORE SECOND. Geez.

Unfortunately, when I tell my husband my final wishes, his response is usually to roll his eyes or laugh at me, or start muttering some more, so I thought I should post my final requests in a more public forum so that if I kick the bucket anytime soon he will have no choice but to obey my wishes. Accordingly, here are my FINAL WISHES:

1. I would like to give the eulogy, via a pre-recorded video. I think that would be really touching. Believe me, nobody will be more broken up over my death than me, you know? I can really lend it that air of gravitas and reverence, what with all of the incoherent sobbing I will do on the video. And also it might really freak a lot of people out which amuses me.

2. If that won't work because I die before I get around to making the video, I would like either my brother Mark or my sister Diana to give the eulogy, mostly because I'm pretty sure they would both fall apart and start crying on stage, which is always good for getting the audience going. Diana would probably get REALLY upset and fall into unflattering snorfle type crying (such is the sisterly love we share) which would be ugly but also super touching. Alternatively, my sister Wendy is an actress AND also kind of a wuss, and my sister-in-law Holly is an ultra-dependable public cryer.

3. If they give the eulogy, I'm at least WRITING IT. I mean gosh. How else will they know how to narrarate the powerpoint presentation I put together with highlights of my life? Besides, I've already spent a lot of time writing the dang thing.

4. I would also like to give the musical number, because hey, how touching would that be, having the dead girl sing at her own funeral. Not a dry eye in the house, that's how touching. I'm thinking I could sing something subtle and understated like My Immortal by Evanescence or Fantine's Death from Les Mis, something like that.

5. If I am in a bad accident, and there is some question about whether or not I am brain dead, I say leave the machines on. Because you never know. I might come back.

6. But if I do appear to be pretty much deadish, please give someone my organs. And then, after they have my organs, please send them a little picture of me to keep on a shelf somewhere, so that when they wake up in the night and look around with their donated eyeballs, they'll see me staring RIGHT at them, kind of like I'm haunting them, but in a nice way. Like that.

7. I hope my husband will remarry quickly. He's an affectionate sort and he would get far too melancholy without someone around to hug him a lot, plus the children would need a mother. Therefore, I think he should marry an old spinster type - someone completely unattractive but with a sweet spirit. If that won't work, he should at least (as I've mentioned before) not marry anyone younger than 25, or smaller than a size eight. (Seriously hon, a 19 year old might be hot, but she'd be REALLY annoying. She'd probably make faces at you if you decided to bake and eat a can of cinnamon rolls at ten o'clock on a Sunday night. ME? I don't judge. In fact, I care so much about your feelings that you can always count on me to sacrifice and eat them WITH you. I'm a giver.)

I think that's it. That's all I can think of right now at least. How about you?



  1. Ha! I think about this very thing ALL the time. My video would get everyone crying at the part where I address each of my children in turn with words of love and wisdom they can carry through their lives. If that's not a tearjerker, I don't know what is.

    Also, about number five? YES. My living will is for me to be ALIVE, thanks very much. Maybe even if I'm brain dead. "The real me won't be there, anyway," people say. Um, no-- my body is very much me.

    I already know which one of our friends I want my husband to marry if I die suddenly. But I haven't told him, because wouldn't THAT that be awkward the next time we all hung out.

    You are so funny. Thanks for the morning LOLs.

  2. You know my husband's mother died when he was a teenager, and his dad remarried his mom's younger sister.

    So I always scope out future wives for Rhett right in my own family circle. Just in case it's a genetic propensity.

  3. Heidi's comment is freaking me out. Make her stop.

  4. Anonymous6:53 AM

    Mom? Is this your blog??

    Seriously, my mom has already written obituaries months for anyone near death in our family. (Near death = over 60)

    I definitely think you should sing the Evanesense (sp?) It would sound GREAT in the chapel.

  5. I've already showed my husband the kind of coffin I want (including the color of satin it should be lined with because what if it were yellow or something). Did you know they sell coffins on

    I don't want to prerecord a message because it will sound to braggy. Once I'm dead people will forget all the bad stuff I did, and say much nicer things that I could get away with.

    I will, however, have a really lovely tragic pictoral video. It should make everyone cry. I have picked out the playlist thata will accompany that video.

    Also, I want the bagpipes played.

    And my husband and best friend to sing the duet "Time to Say Goodbye". They both have fantastic voices and will probably both start crying in the middle. Maybe they can imagine they're singing at the Bellagio fountains and keep it together.

  6. Anonymous7:39 AM

    My father extracted a promise from me and my sisters that we will sing a trio at his funeral. I'm still kinda mad about it.

    I definitely want my husband to remarry quickly, if possible. And honestly, as long as she loves my kids and takes good care of them, she can be total hottie. I would be more concerned if she was a prim girlie girl. Fortunately, I know he is only attracted to pissy women with attitude.

  7. Help! Can't Breathe! Too. Much. Laughing.

    I love your funeral plans. I should stop dwelling on the many horrid ways I could die and focus on planning a really great funeral. Thanks for the inspiration!

  8. Anonymous7:53 AM

    Ahahahahahaha! I totally can't breathe! This was just too funny. What a brilliant way to spend your time!

  9. I can't even stand how funny that eyeball part was.
    And you just made me feel so normal, since I picture people draped over my coffin (or urn) sobbing uncontrollably and needing to be dragged away by four or five people. There would be a lot of people doing this so the funeral would take a very long time. But no one would mind, cause they'd be too distracted by their intense grief.

  10. Anonymous8:13 AM

    Oh no, my hubby has strict instructions never never NEVER remarry. He can be lonely for a while because lets face it I still have it rougher I'm dead.

  11. Ah, Sue, I love you. You're morbid. All the greatest minds are.

    In fact, me too!

    Although I think people would really, really cry if I sang at my own funeral. Maybe I could read a morbid poem instead.

    And I say pull my plug! Yes siree. Like it feels good to lay there for a few years with a bunch of medical equipment doing my stuff for me? Send me home, my friends.

    And for heaven's sake play some peppy music at the funeral. Do NOT let Sister Slow play the organ. In fact, I'd really prefer the piano. Something peppy. And maybe a solo from the trumpeter love of my life. (Have the funeral in the cultural hall if you must.)

    And I want my husband's second wife to be a hot, wealthy and organizational freak with a never-ending supply of love for my/her man and my/her kids. My poor family will have been through a lot: they deserve the very best. I already know that I'll seem perfect, because I'll be dead and I am the only one keeping a journal so I'll look good in the history.

    And don't bury me beautifully. Cheap, cheap, cheap! Go to Disneyland if you want to drop a load of money. I'll be dead and, I mean watching over you. I am not going to care if I have a fluffy pillow. I promise.

  12. Oh yeah, and who gets the spaghetti?!?

  13. I think you should sing Sarah Maclachlan's "I will remember you." Oh wait.....thinking about lyrics of "My Immortal"....WAKE ME UP INSIDE! I CAN'T WAKE UP! That would be PRICELESS. I'd love to be FREAKED OUT by a dead woman singing that at her own funeral.

    You are so weird, Sue. I love it.

    This is personally a very tense subject for me because Superman just KNOWS he's going to die before me. And not when we're 85 - like 35. Yeah. Lots of fun.

    But I'd want to be an organ donor, too. I hope I'd be a strong enough presence to have cellular memory and make 65 year old woman who gets my kidney want to turn up Alicia Keyes REALLY loud in the car and sing at the top of her lungs and dance. That'd be awesome.

  14. Anonymous8:50 AM

    You forgot to specify what kind of flowers you want. ;-)

  15. In telling my husband about the crazy, morbid lady's funny post, he's pointed out that "My Immortal" was not the song I quoted. So now I feel like an idiot.

    But "I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. IF YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, I WISH THAT YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE. You're presence still lingers here. And it won't leave me alone.

    Yeah, that'd be pretty good, too. And there's no WAY you could ever be brain dead. All or nothing with you.

  16. Ha ha ha ha! I'm totally singing that.

    Also, I want daisies.

  17. Can I have your funny bone when you die, I mean, if you're donating organs and stuff anyway?

  18. I used to plan out my funeral as a teenager and thought a lot about how sad everyone would be that they didn't treat me better and how they would put up a tribute to me in the hallways and everyone would sign it and put flowers on it and cry.

    um, wow.

    and I already instructed my husband that if he re-married she was to be considerably less attractive and have no personality so when we got to heaven she would be re-assigned to another family because he obviously didn't love her the way he loved me.

  19. "when we got to heaven she would be re-assigned to another family because he obviously didn't love her the way he loved me."

    See, that is the VERY THING.

    I MUST be the love of his life, forever and ever and ever AMEN.

  20. I've had my funeral planned since I was a teenager. I don't want a traditional mormon funeral, because there is no one more unique than me. Plus I have Swedish somewhere back there in my ancestry, so I want a viking funeral. I say put me on the wooden raft, send me out into the ocean, or lake, or whatever, and send a flaming arrow to light me up. No more dramatic way to go out. This is why I will enroll all my children in archery lessons when they're old enough.

    And I've instructed my husband that he MUST remarry if the kids are little, because my babies need a mommy. If they're grown then I don't care what he does. I routinely pick out women for him, but here's the thing: I'm gonna be hanging out with whoever it is for all eternity so I always pick ladies that I think are fun, and yes, hot. Because who wants to stare at a bowser forever and ever?

  21. You'll have to die of some long drawn out disease, so that you can plan for all this stuff, and also know that you're dying.
    I have a deal with my hubby that, if I die, he should just marry that Nanny, because at least, that way, she'll be nice to the kids.

  22. They'd better play Ravel's Pavane for a Dead Princess at my funeral, or there will be Hell to pay.

    Somehow, my husband always snorts when I say that. I'M SERIOUS.

    Pavane for a Dead Princess.

    End of story.

    (Other requirements covered here.)

  23. You're cracking me up lady!! I love this!

  24. Anonymous11:11 AM

    I love reading this blog. It is so nice to know that there is someone just a little crazier than me, (I totally mean that in a good way). Thank you so much for sharing your writing talents with the blogging world. Me, I want everyone to cry over me, never recover, but no funeral, just put me in the ground and be done with it!

  25. Oh man, I imagine my death all the time. Not so much HOW, but all the things I want to accomplish BEFORE. And always if we get in a fight right before bed: "I should probably tell him I love him and I'm sorry. Yeah, I mean, what if I don't wake up!? That would be horrible! He would be so guilty, he'd never forgive himself!"

  26. Huh. I usually think about what would happen if OTHER people die.

    This seems healthier.

  27. I don't know if I'm sad or really, really thankful that I'm not as crazy as you.

  28. Anonymous11:34 AM

    Since I'm undoubtedly closer to needing this than you, here is what want: a) Rejoicing via upbeat, "halleluja" type music with some clapping and finger snapping because after the funeral no one has to pay back their debts to me and I will no longer care; b)No infighting: because no one has to pay back their debts and some don't owe me; c)Dancing: because I could never get enough of that, so everyone else has to make up for it; d) A cardboard casket on which the grandkids (and my kindergarten class if I'm still teaching) each draw with markers to personalize it; or you could bury me in my grand piano to avoid arguments over who inherits it; e)daisies picked from the side of my house so they won't go to seed again and spread to the grass as usual; f) pictures of when I was a "hottie" so that people know there were a couple of days when I looked pretty good. NOTE: Do NOT put one of those Then/Now pictures in the paper,because I don't plan to die until I'm about 97. So no picture.

  29. Whew. I don't feel so bad about the fact that i've written my obit. i wanted to make sure that all the good stuff was covered!

    One time, I had to sing at a funeral, but the family made me hide behind the organ so that it would sound like "an angel singing"... only right before me they had another musical number... a pre-recording of Gomer Pile singing some hymn. When it was my turn I was laughing so hard I just croaked the whole song.

    Heidi's comment made me shiver.

  30. Yeah, I'm in your boat - I want people to be REALLY sad. I don't think I've thought far enough to plan out the rest, except that if my husband remarries, she better not be cute and should be more annoying than me so I will be fondly remembered as "The hot, cool wife."

  31. Totally awesome post. This is something I've thought about too. Here are my additions.

    1. I do not want a public viewing. Viewings are just yuck. If my immediate family really wants to see the gross husk of me, fine. Everyone else can look at a really cute photo of me on top of the casket and remember me like that. (Really cute photo yet to be taken...)

    2. I'm 100% with you on the remarrying issue. I'm totally fine with my husband finding a substitute mother for my child(ren), I just don't want him to be attracted to her. Or sleep in the same room with her.

    And I think that's it.

  32. Veronica's comment just reminded me of something funny/horrible. My dad made me promise to play "Oh My Father" on my flute at his funeral, so as a teenager when I was REALLY mad at him, I'd practice it. :D

  33. Colleen, that is hilarious. Motherboard too - actually, this whole thread is cracking me up.

    I don't want a viewing either. Just put up a picture of me and Photoshop the heck out of it so that I look the most beautimous I have ever ever ever looked. Make me GLOW, baby.

  34. A. this is HILARIOUS!! and so are the comments!!

    2. My mom wrote, directed, and in a way, starred in her own funeral. She was unfortunately unavailable for autographs or the meet and greet, but the funeral was awesome!
    There's wisdom in planning...

  35. Anonymous1:17 PM

    Last night I told my husband that when I die he just needs to bury me in a pine box. Paint a smiley face on top and we're good to go - none of this $5000 coffin crap.

    I'm thinking I just want everyone to watch Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium at my funeral. In lieu of flowers bring snacks to share with everyone. The end!

    The only non-Mormon funeral I've ever attended was pretty... crazy. It was at a Lutheran church and on the way there my mom called it the Holy Moly Church. Of course when we got there one of the musical numbers was a song where everyone stood and raised their arms and sang "HOLY HOLY HOLY" at the top of their lungs. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pass out. Pretty embarrassing to be convulsed in giggles for the entirety of your boyfriend's dad's funeral.

  36. Oh, my stomach hurts. This is something I would write. I came across your blog while surfing from one friend's blog into a world of unknown people writing about their lives. Your title caught my eye....and then your header. Thanks for the laugh! You've given me the energy to go refold the 4 loads of laundry that my children just threw all over my livingroom.

  37. The success of a funeral depends on the food. You didn't mention THE FOOD. I want my funeral to be like a really fancy wedding reception with chocolate fountains and stuff and a big sign that says, "THIS IS WHAT SHE'S EATING IN HEAVEN".

  38. PS - You don't know funeral singing until you've had to sing Dan Folgelberg's "Leader of the Band" for a dead guy with the last name Music. I'm making my sisters sing it at my funeral.

  39. Okay you are just very strange.

  40. Sh** Sue. Yo just get better and better!

  41. If you want a good picture at your funeral, you have to make sure you have one taken. At the very least, don't pull faces in all of your pictures. We had to use my mother's engagement picture for her obituary because for 33 years she pulled faces in every single picture. All of them.

    I actually went to a funeral where the wife had died after being married for about 9 months, and they played a song she had sung at the wedding reception. Everyone cried, but it was a little creepy, if you ask me.

  42. You are so dang funny. I can see you want everyone to really mourn your too. I can totally picture everyone crying over my coffin. Knowing your sister in law, Holly, I can definitely vouch for the dependable crier. :) She's great!!

  43. You forgot the most important thing: the photo. I have to pick out the "Obituary/funeral " photo now because God knows there are so many unflattering pictures of me around, and I just know my husband would pick one of those. I'd be all up in heaven going "No! Not the Thanksgiving photo! I look so FAT in that one!"

  44. I totally have my funeral song picked out and my coffin. go me. And I like the super creepy beyond the grave video idea. You should get on that STAT.

  45. My husband has already informed me he would not be remarrying. If I had turned him down (which I almost did) he would have never married. It's probably true, knowing him much better now. I don't know how it all gets sorted out in Heaven but I really really don't want to share him. I'm needy and I HAVE to have his attention all the time.

    I've read every comment and it's so hard to make me laugh out loud when I'm reading. But you do, and so have a lot of these other people. Thanks!

  46. Hee hee...I love that you're at least as weird as I am. 'Cause I've so had the same kind of thoughts/ideas.

    Except I'm meaner to my husband. 30 at the oldest. And she has to have an annoying lisp and a slight squint. A limp would be a bonus.

  47. Anonymous7:53 PM

    I was just talking about this with my daughter the other day. I used to plan the whole thing out but then I thought about the fact that I have no friends (my fault, I really don't try very hard) no one would actually come to my funeral. I told my husband to just have a graveside service, as it would be pretty embarrassing when nobody came.

    As for the details on the service, I told my daughter, "I'm dead, I don't care anymore, so do what you want to do, sing what you want to sing. Do whatever you need to do to feel comforted." She said, "But you'll still see it. It should be something you like." To which I replied, "Dude, I'm dead. I won't care."

    I've told my husband to remarry a single sister in the temple... forever. I'm tired of seeing single women in the temple. They always spill over on to the men's side because there just aren't enough good men that come. So he's to marry some hot girl for eternity. He says he'll never remarry. I said, "you're to horny, give yourself time and you'll see things my way." I've also told my daughters that I've given permission for their dad to remarry and to be nice to the new wife. They all say, "but then you'll have to deal with another wife forever." I said, I'll deal with that later, hopefully I'll understand it all by then and be a better person. If not, I guess I'm screwed.

  48. Anonymous8:00 PM

    Oh, I forgot. The only song they can't sing is "Be Still, My Soul." Whenever we sing that song in church I cringe. I told my husband it feels like a dirge. Then I looked it up in the index, it IS a dirge. It's recommended for funerals. Not at mine though, I really hate how it drags. Gotta have something peppy.

  49. You are one sick wee girlie... that said, I have a short list of the women that I'd like Dadguy to consider if I kicked the bucket. But I am not telling HIM... because I reserve the right to pull strings from beyond the veil.

    I am, in fact, so sure that I am gonna go pretty soon, that I don't want him to do the vasectomy bit (even though we are TOTALLY done) because what if that were the deal-breaker for his next wife? He's much younger than me y'know.

    As far as prettier than me? I suppose that's OK, 'cause I'm POSITIVE that no matter who he hooks up with... I'm better in bed.

    The End.

  50. I think you just wrote your own eulogy. This should definitely be read aloud at your funeral, right before your pre-recorded version of 'My Immortal' is played.

  51. See, I kind of want the weepy funeral (but maybe somewhere like the beach, with my ashes scattered on the water...), but I think I want the party, too.

    You're hilarious! This made me laugh.

  52. Forget the open casket thing, you should have your body posed at the entrance, greeting everybody with a frozen dead smile. That's what I did at my funeral anyway.

    by the way, my google reader recommended your blog to me, yes there is internet beyond the gave and it's super fast.

  53. GREAT ideas! Can I steal some? I'm logging off the computer right now to go tell my husband that I'M doing the musical number at my funeral. LOL Love it!

  54. I'd like to write/organize a cantata for my funeral. I once did this for a Christmas program and it was cool. I want instruments, with very carefully chosen words and songs. Maybe I could die around Christmas and just use the same thing. Multi-tasking I tell you.

  55. My husband is under strict orders about the video/photo montage that he is to lovingly put together for my funeral. It has to have a few things that make people laugh because once you get them to laugh you will get them to cry. The final song in the montage is to be "Goodbye My Lover" because nothing is as sad as at the end when james blunt keeps saying, "I'm so hollow... I'm so hollow." Tears guaranteed!

    Also, the one girl I told him he could marry if I die is about to get married, which totally ruins my plans. I can't make her my best friend here, so i figured if he marries her after I die, she'll HAVE to be my best friend in the hereafter. It was a lock until she went and found herself a man.

    Oh, and don't think it doesn't go both ways. I have been given instructions on how to execute his final (rather morbid and yet hilarious) joke, and on who is not allowed anywhere near the podium should he die first- which he probably won't because everyone in his family lives to be 200 even though they have every terminal illness known to man.

    Oh, and also, I accept the responsibility of the eulogy should Diana or Mark weesh out. You will not be sorry. If you are, don't haunt me.

  56. Hey, I just tagged you! Check out my blog for details!

  57. Oh, and when picking a hymn, make sure to pick one that is played all the time, that way when your friends and family hear it they'll think of your funeral and that you're gone and they'll cry some more.

    Or, pick obscure hymns instead of Nearer My God To Thee or How Great Thou Art, because now when I hear those hymns, I think of my mom's funeral and start bawling and have to go home. Seriously, pick something like If You Could Hie To Kolob and insist on all the verses.

  58. My obit photo along with last wishes is in a sealed envelope in my sister's possession. It was taken a few years ago when I was skinny by a very expensive photographer. Only had one copy of it made!

    My video (in process) will contain photos of me with my grandchildren and will hopefully be played on a large screen where a casket would normally be placed. Cremation for me, unless I go before Mom does. She wouldn't stand for that.

    I am a second wife and hubby has already got a double headstone with his first, something that he now regrets. He did buy a plot for me on the other side of him. I'm thinking an arrow pointing to him would be appropriate.

    Please no crying. I want to hear laughter! My scrapbooks will be spread out for everyone to look through and my quilts will be draped over the benches.

    Oh, and if anyone even mentions my first husband I will haunt them forever.

  59. NOt me...I want them to have a big party because I loathe funerals! But I definitely agree with my husband not marrying anyone under the age of 25 and smaller than a size 8! :)

  60. Once more, Sue triumphs in the funny department. I must admit I have occasionly considered my own funeral. Mostly my husband and I argue over where to be buried. There is NO way on earth I am going to be buried in Cali by my inlaws. I despise my father in law and the thought of having to wake up that horrid man on resurrection morn is just too much for me. I want to buried on the reservation in my families graveyard. My hubby says he doesn't want to be buried there. I keep telling him he is going to die before me and won't have much to say about it!

  61. I was Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes. But what I can't decide is where I want to be buried...maybe I'll just be cremated so if my family moves they can take me with them. And my ashes would totally creep out my husband's new wife. :)

  62. TOO FUNNY! I think I'm going to start my own eulogy.

    OMGosh that was too funny. I really like the part about doing your own musical number or video presentation of your eulogy.

    I can just picture it!

    Again, too dang funny!

  63. you are SO funny.
    I was telling my hubby on a car ride yesterday about this blog, and how weird it is that we live in Lehi, I don't know you and love to read your blog. And I totally need to write my wishes down, because i too want public criers (we can hire them or borrow some of yours if we need to).
    and i would like to be there, somewhow and know who really cared about me, and not.

  64. Oh my, just too too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

  65. Sorry ... but I'm rolling my eyes along with your hubby.

  66. Okay, so I've written the obituary in my mind, kind of like I used to think of my wedding announcement in the paper...does that count? I have also told my mom and sister that if they want anything special when they are gone (huh?) they better let me know in writing before the big event and NO haunting if they aren't happy about the final'd be their own damn fault!

  67. Oh, that was GREAT! My husband wants to be sent out to see on a fancy raft drenched in some sort of flamable liquid, while we all stand on the shore and shoot flaming arrows at him. YEAH RIGHT. His next plan is to just save a ton of money and demand we don't have a funeral for him at all. YEAH RIGHT. So I'm guessing we'll do something in the middle (except I've decided I'm going before he does because I certainly don't want to be the one left alone!)

  68. From anyone else I might have been shocked by someone writing about their own death. From you? No. Not at all and you the most hilarious way possible.

    Thank you!

  69. I am not sure that you will ever read this because good grief!!! 68 comments already!!! But in the rare case that you do get a chance to read this and you are not already dead from the blood clot traveling up your leg and you are not too busy reminding your husband that he should marry someone larger than a size 8 (and why a size 8? I would have chosen a size 20!!!) and older than 25 (and why 25? Please! Make sure that she is ancient and not still in the prime of her life!!!), I just wanted you to know that this is one of the funniest things I have read in a VERY long time and I am known to read some pretty funny things! Yes. It is true. My friends say it all the time. "Did you hear what Jen was reading lately? It was so funny!!!" It is a common occurance. But this was truely one of the funniest things I have read in a very long time. In fact, my face turned red, tears were streaming down my overly red face and I couldn't breathe!!! My seven year old son came in and said, "MOM! Are you ok???" So maybe I am dying and I need to video tape my eulogy just in case! By the way, SUPER LOVED the links too!!! Thanks for including them for those of us that are newer to your blog than others. :)

  70. if you died, this would be the best funeral EVER....but I'm not hoping for you to die...not at least until you finish the video...and the recording of you singing.

    hilarious blog.

  71. Anonymous8:00 PM

    Honey... I'm right there with you. Although you actually articulate it sooooo much better. ;-)

  72. I cannot wait to see how the eulogy goes down. A powerpoint of your own life!? haha I mean, I CAN wait, seriously, please don't die on us. Im just thinking of the hilarity of seeing people's reactions to Mark or Diana giving the powerpoint YOU created, or, even better, the eulogy video starting up and BAM there you appear! The dead girl is still here! People will flip.

    You can't ever die. Who will bring the funny?

    and, yes, if you want some fits of hysterics and tears, you know, for drama, I will oblige.

  73. Okay, I've just decided, I should deliver the eulogy. And I can go on and on about how obviously you were far much more loved than I, as you get 72 stinking comments without hardly trying; and maybe life is unfair, because it should have been me dead instead of you, since more people are gonna miss you, obviously; and then I can throw myself over your coffin and sob, "Sue! Sue! Come back! We can't blog without you!"

    Ya think?

  74. Thank you for writing this post. You, are awesome.

    Enough with the celebratory funerals already, break out the confetti and let's have a pity party!

    I've insisted to my husband that I too want a really sad funeral. My dream would be to be buried in left field of Yankee Stadium and everyone in attendance are gathered around sitting on black horses, crying over me in the pouring rain with no umbrellas. All heads, including the horses should be looking at the ground. DO NOT GO FORWARD WITH THE FUNERAL UNLESS IT IS RAINING! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

  75. I think I found this blog on Hollywood flakes, and this is a great post. Nice and honest, and funny to boot. I kind of feel the same way about a lot of this, and if people know you well, this would be a helluva funeral.

  76. Sweet mother of pearl. I just about died reading this.
    And yes, I agree with you. There will be no "Celebration of Life" at my funeral. I AM DEAD. I EXPECT LOTS OF TEARS.

  77. and here is where we part, sweet e-sister sue.

    if i'm remotely deadish looking. pull the plug, i'm already in the next world sipping celestial diet coke. there is no bringing me back.

  78. That is the funniest thing I have ever read...

    And I agree whole heartedly-- :)

    I want everyone crying too...

  79. I really haven't thought about my funeral. But, I guess I should let my family know that I don't want a then and now picture with my obituary. If I got the longevity genes that run in my family, I'll be ancient and shriveled.

  80. Funny! I haven't really thought of it much, but I love the idea of singing at your own funeral...

  81. I actually have a folder on my computer labeled "In Case of The Worst" where I am preparing photos and life sketches for my close family members (and myself, of course) because if something happens to me there won't be anyone around who will actually get this done.

    My mom's cousin actually insisted on being buried in a pinebox and having weeds on his casket--and they did it.

  82. You're crazy funny! This is a great spin on Stephen Covey's rule, "Begin With The End In Mind". I'm glad I'm not the only one who has specific ideas on what my husband's next wife should be like. For your musical number I vote Pantin's song from Les Mis. That would be a sob-getter.

    BTW thanks for odding me to Mormon Mommy Blogs. I was so excited I had to write a whole post about it :-)

  83. Sister, are so funny. AND I can totally relate. I tell my husband and kids to not worry about me until I am on my death bed,...and then you had better CRY, CRY, CRY!!!! I also would like a mausoleum, you know, with a big weeping angel or something on top. So it really stand out inthe cemetery. Also I would like to be put in with a Pepsi and a book in the corner (so I can find it in the dark), just in case someone wasn't paying attention and maybe I'm still alive. If my husband remarries, he and my children need to bring her to the graveside regularly to weep/grieve/worship,..whatever. They roll their eyes and say you are so crazy,...I AM a nurse, I know about these things! ~April

  84. Sister, are so funny. AND I can totally relate. I tell my husband and kids to not worry about me until I am on my death bed,...and then you had better CRY, CRY, CRY!!!! I also would like a mausoleum, you know, with a big weeping angel or something on top. So it really stand out inthe cemetery. Also I would like to be put in with a Pepsi and a book in the corner (so I can find it in the dark), just in case someone wasn't paying attention and maybe I'm still alive. If my husband remarries, he and my children need to bring her to the graveside regularly to weep/grieve/worship,..whatever. They roll their eyes and say you are so crazy,...I AM a nurse, I know about these things! ~April

  85. Sister, are so funny. AND I can totally relate. I tell my husband and kids to not worry about me until I am on my death bed,...and then you had better CRY, CRY, CRY!!!! I also would like a mausoleum, you know, with a big weeping angel or something on top. So it really stand out inthe cemetery. Also I would like to be put in with a Pepsi and a book in the corner (so I can find it in the dark), just in case someone wasn't paying attention and maybe I'm still alive. If my husband remarries, he and my children need to bring her to the graveside regularly to weep/grieve/worship,..whatever. They roll their eyes and say you are so crazy,...I AM a nurse, I know about these things! ~April

  86. Anonymous4:40 PM

    All I know is I want to be buried wrapped up in a favorite quilt (made by me) in a pine box. At the funeral I don't want any speakers, but I have a collection of nice (and a bit too generous) things my friends have said about me. I want whoever wants to to come up and read them one by one.

    And after they bury me in the cold hard ground I want some speakers w/ maxed out bass to blast "Sweet Home Alabama" as people walk back to their cars.

    Somewhere in there bagpipes would be nice, but I'm not quite sure how to reconcile them with the Lynyrd Skynyard.

  87. Of course I've thought of this. I mean for real who hasn't.

    The one thing I'm way worried about is

    Will I have fat chin laying down like that?


    Who will do my makeup?

    FOR REALS!!!!

  88. Anonymous9:52 PM

    My husband would like me and his best friend to sing "Exquisite Dead Guy" by They Might be Giants." I think that would be quite touching.

  89. Anonymous11:24 PM

    "when they wake up in the night and look around with their donated eyeballs, they'll see me staring RIGHT at them, kind of like I'm haunting them, but in a nice way."

    This is the funniest post I have ever read! Thank you so much for giving me the longest belly laugh of my life (I can't breathe! I can't breathe!..oh no...and I haven't planned my funeral yet!)

    All the comments here are priceless! You have inspired me! I know just what to do now. I am going to sing at my own funeral, too. But not a canned recording. Oh, no! I will insist my voice box is donated to a designated funeral soloist. Just imagine the impact it will have...everyone will be sitting there crying softly with their heads bowed down as the unknown woman approaches the pulpit - the music will start softly, and suddenly they will hear my own dulcet tones belting out "Pie Jesu", or maybe "Don't cry for me, Argentina". Not that anyone in Argentina actually knows me and is crying, but the song is a really great show-stopper and I should get to perform it at least once for a large audience - so why not at my own funeral! Brilliant!

  90. Awesome! I always wanted someone to sing Memory from Cats at my funeral while a montage of photos from my life plays in the background. Not a dry eye (hopefully)!

  91. Anonymous3:43 PM

    "The one thing I'm way worried about is

    Will I have fat chin laying down like that?"

    I don't know if this would help, but I've looked into the problem and what I found is that in order for people to be sort of soft (so family memebers won't mind touching them), the mortitions dilute the embalming fluid. If you've ever seen a "soft person" as compared to a "hard person" it's a remarkable difference. My husband's grandmother looked better in death than she had in life and she was as hard as a rock. So, I've instructed my husband to make me hard, baby. For some reason he thinks that's really funny.

  92. Regardless of what I want sung at my funeral, I can just imagine my whole family getting up, doning past horrific halloween costumes that I made them wear and singing,
    'Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead,' from the Wizard of Oz.
    They will then probably just have candy for meal because mom never lets them have candy anymore.

  93. ha ha ha this is so great. And totally morbid, which I love!

  94. This post and the comments are so freakin hilarious! Is it weird that I do this about my husband's funeral? He has his all planned but I have even better plans... AND I want to outlive him so he won't be alone when I'm gone. But, if I go first, I know they will all fall apart, because I'm holding the world together over here, right???

  95. Anonymous8:39 AM

    Jamie said... "And don't bury me beautifully. Cheap, cheap, cheap! Go to Disneyland if you want to drop a load of money. I'll be dead and, I mean watching over you. I am not going to care if I have a fluffy pillow. I promise."

    I couldn't agree more!!! When I die I won't care if I'm in pine box. Save the money and do something great with - I say!!! As a matter of fact, I hope I'm in a pine box. Easier to get out of when resurrected! :)

  96. Totally awesome!! At their great-grandmother's funeral, I dared my daughter and her cousin to pose by the body in the Relief Society room and flash a peace sign and take a picture. They totally wimped out. When I'm old and dead, I seriously want my great-grandkids to have a little fun before they chuck me into the ground.
    Keep up the great blogs!

  97. This post is hilarious and reminded me of a poem I wrote years ago called Requiem for the Grandiose. (I like to plan various incarnations of my funeral, too...)

    Requiem for the Grandiose

    ©1997 by Susan Noyes Anderson, The Comstock Review

    The day you killed me, I thought––What a drag––
    and started making funeral arrangements.
    I’d deal with all the requisite estrangements.
    If dying was the task, then I’d die fine.
    “A wooden casket?” No, I’d take the steel.
    They rust? All right, then make mine copper, please.
    “Impervious,” they crowed. That worked for me.
    Off-white, of course, with roses at the crown.
    Let it be said, “She always stopped to smell them.”
    The eulogy? (Could this have been poor taste?)
    Who better to deliver it than me? Though dead,
    I eulogized myself so well that people barely noticed
    I was gone; though later some were sorry to conclude
    that I had failed––sometimes they felt the loss.

    And resurrection did exceed my grasp.

  98. I loved this post the first time ans well, I still love it!

  99. Do you get tired of hearing people tell you you're hilarious? I was gonna write that but then I thought, "Well, she has gotten like 98 comments of being told how funny she is, she gets it right?"

    The eyeball donation was freakin' hilarious!!!!!!! ha

  100. i was thinking about how i would plan my funeral out and remembered how awesome your post was!

  101. I have to tell you- I actually had this same conversation with my husband. His grandma just died. I had a list things that I wanted- like a primary song etc. I also told him what I wanted if I was in an accident or just got really old and it was time to go. He said that that's great that I have an opinion- because I'll be gone and he'll do it the way he wants to. :)

  102. Anonymous5:48 AM

    I just laughed my head off at this (can of cinnamon rolls...that's hilarious! and delicious.) then I got to the comments and freaked out when I realized someone had stolen my identity and commented. Then I realized it was an archive post and I had commented myself . I'm over it now, but still laughing.

  103. I love your blog! In fact, I just gave you a blog award!! Check it out at


  104. You're a spaz!!! This was pretty funny, Sue! I agree: I want people to be sad. No one better say, "Amber wouldn't want us to be sad". Bull sheesh!!! The funniest person you know is dead! You better be sad!

  105. Anonymous11:01 AM

    I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I do not know who you are but definitely youre going to a famous blogger if you arent already Cheers!