Thursday, September 06, 2007

Deep Thoughts

Pin It I'm shallow. You may already be aware of this, but as I am not prone to self-analysis, it was news to me. It's actually something I realized when I was reading last month's Self magazine.

The fact that I read Self Magazine at all is probably your first clue. Why does she read Self magazine, my relatives are wondering? She's out of shape, doesn't watch what she eats, and is clearly not interested in fashion. Why? For the same reason that I read Runner's World. Because it comes in the mail. And it comes in the mail because of those people who sell magazine subscriptions door to door.
I'm a goner as soon as I see them on the porch with their little tablet and list of magazines. I'm already inclined to buy something because I can't imagine a crappier job in the world than selling magazines door-to-door for $10 a pop.

"You look like a successful woman," the girl on the doorstep says to me. I look down at my three year old Old Navy shirt with a stain in the middle of it, and my rather unfortunate sweat pants. I do? "I'm out here trying to better myself, trying to make some money so that I can stay off drugs and away from the influence of gangs. That's something you would like to help with, isn't it?"


"Great. Now, ma'am," she pulls out her wallet and shows me a picture of a little preemie in an incubator. The picture looks about one thousand years old. No way is this her baby. In fact, it may be a doll. Is that a doll?
(sample fake baby)

"This is my son. I'm out here working for him, to try to give him a good life. That's something you can support, right?"

Even though logically, I know this is probably a fake baby, I can't resist the allure of the teeny tiny fingers and toes. "Yes."

She pulls out the list of hideously overpriced magazines, and I look for something I'm not already subscribed to. I blindly select something. "Inventor's Weekly. Great. I'll take it."

"Now, ma'am, I only make about $5 if you purchase a year's subscription, but if you purchase a 16 year subscription, I could buy a pack of diapers for my son."

"Great, where do I sign?" I sign the papers, give her a check, and watch her go, happy to know that I'm helping her to keep her tiny fake baby in diapers.

So yeah, we get a lot of magazines.

Ahem. Er, where was I? Oh. Right. So, anyway Self Magazine had an article about accepting your shallowness, and I started thinking about it and realized that yes, I am quite shallow.

I don't think a lot about my feelings really, or my relationships, or fulfillment or anything like that. Those are things that just ARE. And I'm grateful for them, but I don't feel the need to analyze them. Feelings, to me, are something you have, not something you put a lot of thought into. When I'm happy I'm happy, and when I'm not, I'm probably either tired, stressed, hungry, or ticked off. I kind of think being shallow is a good thing. Shallow people are happier, I think. More content. But you're not supposed to be o.k. with being shallow.

I do have some cultural evidence of my culturally shallow nature:
  • I do not like vampire fiction
  • I don't like oldies.
  • I think Tori Amos and Sarah McLaughlin need to snap out of it.
  • I could care less about symbolism.
  • I like reality television.
  • I don't get depressed.
  • I think A Knight's Tale is the stupidest, most horrifying movie ever made (All of my "deep" friends like this movie. I don't know if this means they are deep or just disturbed.)
  • I hate 80s music. The 80s are over. Move on.
  • I do not want to suffer for my art. Not that I have art. I'm just saying. If I had art, I wouldn't want to suffer for it. I'd totally sell out and be happy. In fact, if my blog ever became mildly popular, I would throw ads up so fast it would make your head spin, and not only would I not feel bad about it, I would put up posts begging you to click on the links so that I could feed my tiny fake baby.
  • I think Persuasion is the most boring of the Jane Austen books because there is not enough flirting.
  • Goths annoy me.
All of these items, I'm pretty sure, are proof that at least from a cultural perspective, I'm terribly shallow. I'm all about the fluff. Want more evidence? Look at the list itself! All totally shallow stuff. I'm sure there are a ton of deeper, more thoughtful, more relevant indicators of shallowness that I could list, but I do not want to be bothered to think about what they might be. So my actual list of shallowness indicators is, in and of itself an indicator of my shallowness (AND laziness)! Mind blowing, right? No?

You only think that because you're not shallow.


  1. Vampire fiction? I thought that indicated needing a life, not being deep. Guess i'm shallow, too.

  2. Would you say I was shallow if my favorite TV show is Deadliest Catch? Cause I can't be bothered to actually, you know, go fishing myself!

    I do like vampire fiction, though, so maybe I'm deeper than I think. *g*

  3. All I can say while I'm ROL is "Oh my gosh. This is hilarious!"

    And I'm only half as shallow as you. I agree with half the stuff on your list. Guess I need to work on my shallowness.

  4. I read that article! I did. Personally, I fit "shallow" to a 'T'. Look in the dictionary? Yep, I'm next to shallow.

    Except when I'm deep. Then, you know, I pretend to enjoy reading philosophy textbooks and listening to opera and shit.

    Oops, is it shallow to say shit?

  5. Anonymous5:55 PM

    Sue, you really should submit your stuff to Deseret News or somewhere. You would have a great column. Lots funnier and more interesting than the lady columnists they now have. Is reading the Deseret News instead of the Salt Lake Trib shallow?

  6. Ok, so is there a shallow scale cause I agree with quite a few of the things you posted, except that I think ALL Jane Austen books are boring! Sorry..... And, you can't be THAT shallow seeing as I never even open the door to the kids door knocking, I get very annoyed!

  7. I love that you're so shallow! I want to be more shallow- I totally agree I woul dbe happier being more shallow. I think the typical connotation for shallow doesn't apply here, I think the right word is humble, and the typical connotation for that doesn't quite fit, because although I have never met you I don't think you'd be meek, more wise, genuine, and fun! SO whats the word? Freakin Awesome!
    I have a lot of blogs to catch up on!
    Oh but I would totally click on your ads to feed your fake baby- that is the MOST hilarious thing I have read in , well since your last hilarious blog! I LOVE your view of the world!

  8. I agree with Mom2Nine. But actually, your style is more Tribune material. You're the female version of Robert Kirby - Trib columnist.

  9. I love it. PRAISE ME! You know, I am going to have a problem if I start believing my own press. Er, comments. You guys are way too nice to me and apparently, way too easy to amuse. But seriously, if you want to read some REALLY funny stuff, go here:

    OR here:

    OR here:

    Or, um, anywhere else on the link list, actually. THOSE are funny folks.

    Then you will return and read my stuff and think - "Eh." Courtesy chuckles all the way. But thanks guys. xoxoxoxo

  10. By the way - you're not only funny, you're nice. Please stop by and pick up your award any time. Seriously -

  11. Dang it, I fall for those magazine selling, door knocking people too! In fact, the last time I bought something I never got it and then forgot to call and now it has been too long.
    Call me shallow too, I would have to agree with most of the things are on your list.
    P.S. I love reading Hollywood Flakes blog too. It is hilarious, but so are you.

  12. Jack Handy would be proud!

    I have an extremely shallow passion for cosmetics and skincare products. I always feel a pang of guilt after buying yet another lip gloss thinking, I could be donating this money to a nobler cause...
    But wait, some people golf, others spend an inordinate amount of money on fine wine. As humans we have numerous forms of innocuous "shallow" vices, why not me? Hooray for Shallowness, isn't life wonderful!

  13. Okay, so I know this was posted awhile ago, but I'm just reading it now because, well, I just am. And I'm laughing my rear off! The "List" is exactly me. Down to the hating 80's music, reality TV, nad the fact that I too would sell out if the option was available. I knew there was a reason I liked you. . .