In Which I Attempt To Get A Piece of the Blogging Pie

Pin It DUDES. (I love saying that. It's so stupid, but so awesome. DUDES.)

I think my vacuum just died. It's sort of a relic - a Hoover Wind Tunnel circa 1996. Oh man, I'll bet some of you were (give me strength) eight years old when I bought that vacuum. (That is just - not right. Don't tell me if you were eight years old, o.k.? Because then I'll have to start with the moaning and the "woe is me, I'm so old, death is soon upon me" garbage.)

So. Recently it started making a really nasty burning smell when I run it, and it doesn't seem to realize that the mission of a vacuum is to suck up stuff off of the carpet. I've checked out all of the obvious things, and nothing seems to help. I don't think it's really doing ANYTHING at this point, other than gathering up the courage to explode.

Now see, here is where I wish my blog was bigger. As I pointed out to Amy yesterday in the comments of her Valspar post, there is no use in having a (sort-of, kind of, maybe-at-some-point-in-the-future) popular blog if companies don't feel compelled to send you free crap. That is actually my whole goal in life right now - to eventually become Shannon from Rocks in My Dryer.

(If I ever were to reach that particular pinnacle, I would regularly hold contests where I "gave stuff away" that companies sent to me, except I think I would actually KEEP all the stuff and just pretend to give it away. Or demand that the companies send me two of everything. And then keep both of them and give the extras away for Christmas.) (Possibly this is why companies don't send me anything.)

So, back to the vacuum. This is the part where the fine folks at Dyson, or Hoover, or - I don't know, even what I've read is the vacuum company of the devil, Kirby, (good gravy, I never knew there was so much inter-brand vacuum drama - it's like Coke vs. Pepsi all over again), should really just dive in and send me a free vacuum. It just makes good business sense.

So here is what I propose: Whichever company offers to send me a vacuum first, then - THEY ARE THE WINNER. So it's like - if you send me a vacuum, you get bragging rights. Because you won. Something. Kind of.

I mean, I can see how it could get out of hand. Give one blogger a vacuum, and soon, all the mommy bloggers are lining up for their free vacuum too. But I have a solution to that problem. Just give ME the free vacuum, and not anyone else. (See how easy that is?)

So Dyson (or Hoover) (or the company which shall not again be named) I am sure you CANNOT WAIT to participate in this fine opportunity. I will just sit here and wait to be contacted.

I'm sure it will be anyday now.

Hopefully soon.

(There's a lot of crap on my carpet.)

P.S. Um, also - Lexus? I once read about how some car company let some blogger borrow a car for a year. If you would like to get in on some of that action, I am totally here for you. And I would promise to write happy little Lexus oriented posts every day for, oh, at least a week. After that, no guarantees because I would probably get distracted by something shiny. So hey, Lexus - CALL ME. XOXO

P.P. S. Oh, lovely readers - I am sure many of you are sitting there thinking - oh, man, I wish I could do something to help Sue in her quest for free stuff. Because it's not like any of you have LIVES or anything. In fact, I'm guessing that what you each really want to do with your precious free time right now is help me get a free vacuum.

Well, TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY because there is something you can do to help. What you can do is just link to my post from your blog, and there will be such a tidal wave of linkage to my blog that it will rise up above all of the other blogs, and the other pleas for free stuff, and Dyson (or Hoover) will be overwhelmed by the mightyness of my blog and they will have to SUBMIT TO MY WILL. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Anyone up for it? Anyone? Oh.

No? Not really?

FINE. BE THAT WAY.

P.P.P.S. Is there anyone you would shill for in exchange for free stuff?

The Life Cycle of a Blog

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• Get a blog – lie and say you are just doing it to keep in touch with people
• Write a few self conscious posts. Get no comments.
• Post all the time! Sometimes multiple times per day! You have so much to say! All the time! Wheeee!
• Comment other places. Get a few comments back.
• Become addicted to comments.
• Compulsively check comments. When comments are low, let it affect your mood that day.
• Install site analytics/tracking.
• Wonder why Blogger Y is looking at your blog for 12 hours straight. Figure out Blogger Y probably clicked on your blog and then went to sleep.
• Wonder why a certain IP address is looking at your blog 20 times a day. Get freaked out. Realize it's you.*
• Check out other blogs. Wonder why they have awards and you don’t.
• What’s a meme?
• Watch traffic go up. Pretend you don’t care.
• Watch traffic go down. Pout.
• Get awards. Give away awards. Get more awards. Give away awards. Start to be very, very afraid of awards. Write post mocking awards. Never get another award. Sulk.
• Give your blog a makeover (Obviously, I skipped this step ;>)
• Put up ads.
• Have a couple of well received posts. Become self conscious about posting afterwards because you cannot measure up to yourself.
• Guest post places. Suck at it because when you guest post you are supposed to have an actual point and you, my dear, do not have one.
• Get writer’s block. You have nothing to say. Nothing at all. You SUCK.
• Decide to stop worrying about what people think and just - write stuff
• Watch traffic go down, down, down. Wheeeeee!
• Realize you will never be Dooce and become o.k. with that.
• Discover that even when people don't comment, life still has meaning.
• Stop being a total blogging freak and get a little perspective for Christmas
• Stop checking site analytics because you've realized it makes you crazy(er.)
• Achieve blog zen - blog because you want to, not because you have to

Don't pretend you don't do some of this stuff. Maybe not all of it, but some of it? Right?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Just me then?

Okie-dokie.

P.S. *Nicki, you know I'm lookin' at YOU. Hee. That still cracks me up.

Statements After Which It Is Probably Inappropriate to Respond, "But I Really Need To Update My Blog"

Pin It “Could you have those technical specs back to me by 11:30?”
“I need help with my piano theory Mom.”
"We'd like to bring clients over to see your house. Can you have it ready to show by noon?"
"Momma - can you hep me build fort wight now?"
"Hey baby. How YOU doin?"
Real life intervenes, yet again. I don't even want to look at my bloglines. I am afraid. Very afraid. Noblomopo is a terrifying thing.
~~~~~~~

Completely randomly, I think the religious instruction we are providing our children may be somewhat lacking. Consider:

Abby: “I'm not going to church anymore, 'cuz I know everything about Jesus already 'cuz we talked about Jesus last week and last week and last week and last week and we sang a hundred and eleventy songs and I'm ALL DONE."

Me: “Really? You know everything about him?

Abby: “Everything. In the world. Ever ever.”

Me: ‘Where was he born?”

Abby: “Heaven.”

Me: “No. Guess again.”

Abby: “Um.... Highland, Utah?”

Me: “Bzzzzz. No.”

Abby: (Thinks very hard.) “Disneyland.”

Me: “I'm afraid you’re going, my dear.”

(Hey, if I have to go, so does she. At least she gets crackers.)