Thursday, April 24, 2008

Oh, GROSS.

Pin It Oh. Hi there! GLAD YOU STOPPED BY. (I don't know why I typed that in all caps. Just because I'm REALLY GLAD.)

Recently, I have had some people* accuse me of never talking about anything important. Why use your blog to discuss so many shallow things, when you could be using it as a FORUM, they ask me. A FORUM for discussing Important Issues. (To which I respond - um, have you read my blog? Ever?)

But I do not want to be accused of never tackling the hard issues, so today, I will attempt to answer an age-old question - one that children and teenagers and certain very immature adults have tried to answer for many tens of years: "What's grosser than gross?"

(I mean - sure - we could talk about world peace, but I think that's sort of been done to death, don't you?)

So please keep in mind - when I tell you this story, I'm doing it FOR THE WORLD.

The other day I gave myself a pedicure. I always have to give myself a pre-pedicure pedicure, to sort of - take the initial winter crust off, so to speak. No way am I going to just - show up at the nail salon with my feet in their natural condition. (The horror.) They give me enough crap as it is, what with the clucking and the whispering and the aggrieved expressions.

On the bright side, the house we are renting has soft water and it's done wonders for my skin and my feet, making them no longer impervious to the effects of the foot razor callous thingie. (I think that's it's official name.) (I LOVE those things. There is something hypnotic about watching the skin peel off. It's like pulling off rubber cement you've let dry on your hand, or peeling off sunburned skin.) (Hmmmm. That last one - that's actually kind of gross. Gross, but nevertheless fascinating and addictive.)

So anyway, I was sitting there using the foot razor callous thingie to unveil the new skin underneath (like opening a present that's been wrapped in REALLY disgusting paper) and flicking the dead skin off onto a towel. My son chose that precise moment to fall or walk into a wall or something (I can't remember what happened exactly), and when I heard him crying I had to very quickly abandon my repulsive little project. As I got up, I accidentally dislodged the towel and dead skin went flying all over the bathroom floor. I groaned, but went to check on Carter.

After ensuring all of his limbs were still firmly attached, I came back into the bathroom.

Gah.

You guys.

My dog was there.

And he was LICKING the dead skin off of the floor and eating it.

Enthusiastically.

I think I dry heaved for ten minutes.

(My floor is really clean though.)

(Top that.) (Er, but only top it if it's rated PG.) (Think of the CHILDREN.)


* Fictional people

82 comments:

  1. Sounds like you've found a cheap way to supplement the dog's diet. Mmmmm, jerky!

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  2. I can top that, all right. Easily. With a dog story from my youth. Involving our cute dachshund-beagle mix and a bathroom trash can full of used sanitary pads.

    But I won't. I don't want to steal your thunder. I'll talk about world peace instead.

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  3. Eeewwww...Not what I wanted to read first thing in the morning. Thanks, Sue. (And thanks to suburbancorrespondent...that one actually brings back a formerly repressed memory. Yuck.)

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  4. Just added that to my REASONS WE DO NOT OWN PETS list. (Top reason on that list is - 5 children are enough to clean up after!) I know they're animals and they're supposed to do animal-y things, but...ew.

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  5. Not only is that disgusting beyond all reason, but now your dog knows how good you taste...

    I'd watch my back if I were you!

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  6. By the way, I should have known better than to eat breakfast while blog-hopping!

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  7. Are vomit stories OK? Cuz I have actually won a blog-comment contest with one doozey of a vomit story. I'd be happy to copy and paste that particular tale of nasty onto YOU'RE blog if you like...

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  8. It must be a theme today: there's a story on msnbc about a mentally ill elderly woman living with the mummified remains of her sister. For three years. In the KITCHEN! And apparently the dog and cat were snacking on the body. "Sis! It's your turn to feed the pets!"
    Here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24288645/

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  9. Super gross. Nicely done. The world will appreciate it.

    When I was a kid, one time I came into the kitchen and my Mom was screaming to my Dog to STOP IT! I looked down and he was eating an entire raw chicken breast. I ran to grab it from him (to save him from the bones, you know) and it wasn't a breast. It was all foamy. It was dog vomit. That he had just puked up and was trying to re-ingest like any good dog would. I was playing in it.

    The dog was very confused.

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  10. I was gonna say, I think bon can outgross you, as the arbiter of the contest she mentions. But still, the dog eating your dead skin? That's gross. My cat likes to smell my breath. In fact, he will lie on my lap, stretch out his paws, and put them on my face so that he can drag my face closer to his nose. I encourage it because it is so gross and weird that I find it kind of fascinating

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  11. I had left my daughter diaper-less for a while and she took that opportunity to take a dump on the floor of the guest room. She had also managed to smear a good portion of it on herself. I quickly tossed her in the tub and then headed back to clean up the poop. As I approached the room, my dog came out, licking her chops. The turd was gone.

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  12. What grosses me out is that pets do that kind of stuff and then people let them LICK THEIR FACE. Think about where that tongue has been!

    Excuse me while I go dry heave for a few minutes...

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  13. *wretching, gagging* That IS gross!

    I may have one. Just prior to their marriage, my sister and her future hubby had purchased a 1960 singlewide mobile and had it moved to the property where they planned to build a new home in a couple of years. An old man had lived in the moblie for nearly 30 years before they got it, but it had been vacant a year or two and was badly in need of a thorough cleaning.

    A few days before their wedding, my sister went out to the property to get things whipped into shape in the mobile, and was cleaning every nook and cranny, painting, etc.

    In the process, she finds that the kitchen sink is plugged up. So she took apart the sink plumbing, trying to get to the bottom of the problem, and found that there was some nasty buildup in the pipe still attached under the sink. She placed an old bucket under the pipes, and after pouring some drano in the sink and letting it sit a while, plunged the sink basin several times, and finally heard something plunk into the bucket. It was the most foul smelling, drano-covered lump of crud ever, and she immediately ran gagging out the door, bucket in hand. In the process, she stumbled, tipping the bucket and dropping the contents into the dirt. She said it looked something like a 5 or 6 inch long decomposing fish, kind of scaly and yet gooey and disgusting, with hairs and what looked like slimy leaves mixed in, and smelled worse than anything she'd ever smelled. Our old childhood dog Tippy who had come there with her that day came back from exploring the woods, ran over to see my sister, sniffed around the gross glob, and promptly snarfed it up and ate it.

    *gwa-uh-gah* Still makes my gorge rise to this day. That dog lived many years after that little incident, with no ill effects. He was quite possibly the grossest dog ever. I'll have to write more stories about him on my blog one day...

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  14. nothing like stories of dog poo and dead skin to get my day started off right...

    love you Sue!

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  15. I know this was a pretty disgusting incident, but you made me laugh so much that I sprayed coffee all over my computer screen!

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  16. I shoulda known better than to read the comments. Gah!

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  17. So, I totally get to take credit for showing you the fabulousness that is the credo blade right? Because I'm pretty sure you bought one because of something I said, right?

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  18. If you haven't read Lisa's poo story on fmh, then go and do so, and know, I read BOTH of these posts today. My grossness level is already full for the day and it is barely 10. I have a sinking feeling it is just the beginning of my day and it is just going to get grosser. AGH!

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  19. Bon's puke story tops any puke story I have ever heard or read or watched. And I have seen a LOT of vomit in my day!

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  20. Bring it ON Bon. Bring it ON. :>

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  21. Oh I remember GROSSER THAN GROSS! That was fun. Of course, we hadn't had children, so none of us had anything all that powerful to work with.
    Anyhow, I just wanted to say I KNOW how it is, with the fictional people and their snide little asides. I have fictional people snarking on my life ALL THE TIME. Fictional people suck, and should mind their own fictional business.

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  22. The first thing I thought of was Bon's story.
    It's nasty! It's way worse than yours. It starts out pretty bad, and then gets really bad, and you think that it just can't get any worse, and yet it does!

    The second thing I thought of was a joke my brother used to tell.
    "What's grosser that gross?........
    When you open the oven door and the rump roast farts in your face."

    One time, my brother was playing with my recently fed baby, he was laying on the floor, and lifting CJ above his head and tossing him in the air. I kept warning him "Hey, he just ate, be careful!"
    My brother says "Oh, he's fine."
    Then CJ threw up right in my brothers face, and some of it went in his mouth.
    While that was gross, it would also fall under the category of hilariously funny. (Hey, It's not like I didn't warn him)

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  23. there's nothing greater than to see all that dead skin come off...i know that's sick, but it's the truth!

    and i just read your nov. 07 post on phonephobia and i was horrified with you giving my little secret away...i'm hoping none of my friends or fam. read it, because that is a deep dark secret of mine (of course, my hubbie thinks i'm insane...esp. when i tell him we can just get rid of our phone altogether!) your post cracked me up and i'm glad to know i'm not the only phonephobic out there!

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  24. Eww! I laughed so hard, I woke up my sleeping baby!

    My dog likes to EAT the babies poopy diapers... poop AND the entire diaper. We have to keep the garbage cans up on counters, otherwise she is foraging for them!

    You can only begin to imagine the horror that is mine when she has to poop out that ingested diaper. It is so disgusting that there are no words for it!

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  25. I was gonna say (after I first tell you that I'm secretly in love with you, you always make me laugh so hard) that you need to go read bon's story. I see you've been sufficiently teased by previous commenters, so here you go!

    http://elizasmom.com/?p=1068

    It's in the comments, though I must also recommend the entire post. Be ready. Maybe have a bucket close at hand. For the gagging, I mean.

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  26. Uh, I'm not retarded, not at all. That would have been a link, but I'm pretty sure you can figure it out.

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  27. Bwahaha (gag) haha! Told you to have the dog stuffed - ick.

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  28. I LOOOOVE your asterisk.

    As for the rest...you win. Hands down.

    Heidi

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  29. Everyone just gave me a whole bunch of new reasons to NEVER get a dog. eating poopy diapers? Dead skin? Mystery sink-clogging-decaying-lump-that-may-include-fish? EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW.

    (Oh, and hey, you might try wearing socks in the house for a few days pre-pedicure. carpet fibers suck all the moisture right out of your feet. Of course then that would deny you the joy of razoring off the dead skin, so maybe not.)

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  30. Hmmm... I think I win... One day when my daughter was about 10 months old, she crawled over to me with what looked like ink stuck on her face... I thought to myself "hmm... weird... wonder where she got it"... Then I licked my finger, wiped off her face and wiped it on her pajama pants.

    A couple of hours later I was in my boys room when I stepped on something... something.... squishy. I dropped to my knees to examine the unknown squishiness, only to discover that it was one of my son's gold fish. Apparently the cat had climbed the dresser and pulled it out of the fish tank... But here's the best part... It was no ordinary goldfish. This particular fish was one of the gold fish with big bulgy black eyes (you know the kind they sell at Walmart)... Only now it had just one eye...

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  31. Wait Wait... I forgot about the time that I was kneeling by the bed changing my newborn babies diaper when she suddenly began to projectile poop (you know the explosive kind that only a breast fed baby can do)... Of course I GASPED in shock at just the right moment and a fleck of poop hit the back of my throat. Just thinking about it gives me the heaves. Either way, I'm pretty sure I win this one.

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  32. Noooooooo! You've given him a taste for flesh!!

    Also, human skin is salty, hence why animals lick us, you know...to see if we need extra seasoning or not.

    Gah!

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  33. Ack! Not only did your post make me nauseous, but then I read all the comments! Bleahhhhh.

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  34. This post and it's comments made my allergy ridden day infinitely better! Thank you!

    I too had a joke running through my head.

    What's grosser than gross? Coming home to hot tomato soup as your mom says, "Hurry up and eat your soup before it clots." Did these jokes come out the same time as Garbage Pail kids? They fit together so nicely!

    I also have a poop eating dog. My three old pooped in our yard and I was already dealing with a four year old who had pooped in his pants. My daughter's got to stay in the yard. (The dog poops out there anyway, what's the difference?) The next day, poop gone. Thank you to our dog - who is never allowed to lick my face BTW.

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  35. OMG I think I just peed a little from the laughter and grossness!

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  36. Maddison6:16 PM

    Wow. Your post was one thing, Sue, but I've gotta say: When I read Becky's post, I thought she'd get the prize, then I read the motherboard's post and was sure they'd get it. But THEN I came across diet coke and zinger's post - now that one takes the cake! Oh man!! I gotta go read Bon's post and see what all the talk is about.

    I am really regretting my lunch right now...

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  37. When my son was a toddler, 18 months or so, I was 5 or 6 months pregnant. Remember when your kids were about that age? They get in EVERYTHING nasty. Toilets, trash, the fireplace ashes, dirt, poop. The list is endless. One day he was being rather quiet back in his room. I walked in to find him playing with a poopy diaper. He had smashed it in the carpet, had it on his fingers and last, but not least, he had the poopey wipee in his mouth. Yep, his mouth. Remember I'm pregnant. I started gagging which led me to the sink where I could barf. I tried to clean it up after rinsing his mouth and making him eat tooth paste, but I kept gagging and barfing. I had to call my mom over to clean it up.

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  38. I discovered today that my daughter has been using her wall as a... well, place to wipe the stuff she picks out of her nose.

    We just had her room painted.

    I had no choice but to help her clean the walls.

    I am STILL dry-heaving.

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  39. That is so hilarious... the post and the comments. All I can say is YES.

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  40. My vote is for the fish eyeball. seriously.

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  41. OH....MY...

    *gag*

    You make me grateful that we can't afford/have no room for a dog!! *lol*

    Great story though!

    I mean..who needs SERIOUS issues anyway...

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  42. I've got nothing that can even compare to any of these.... thank GOD! Ewwwwwwww

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  43. Hey Sue- I posted my story on my family blog, I thought this was such a great idea for a post (of course I gave you a little shout out)! So if you want to see the projectile pooper/fish eyeball eater you can check my family blog:

    mccubbins.blogspot.com

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  44. So there was this lady and she sat on the toilet for TWO YEARS or something and her legs atrophied and her butt grew into the toilet seat and they had to remove the toilet seat to get her to the hospital. Yeah.

    *shudder*

    Also I thought of this post as my son projectile vomited on me today. But formula puke isn't so bad, so I guess I can't complain.

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  45. Morning sickness and this post do not go well together.

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  46. I was warned though, thanks for that. I just couldn't tear myself away.

    Until it was too late.

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  47. It isn't THAT easy to completely gross me out, but diet coke and zingers just did. I started groaning so loudly that my husband asked what was wrong. Every time I think of that fish I feel the barf starting to rise....

    That was the grossest story I have ever heard. You actually almost made me vomit.

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  48. *shudder* I don't know which was worse, reading your post or reading the comments!

    But on the bright side...I'm going to add some of these to my arsenal of arguments as to why my 9-yr-old can't have a dog.

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  49. Wow, that's seriously gross. I've seen dogs eat cat poop and then lick people, but your story might be "grosser!"

    I agree about the foot peeler. I like to go to the cheap pedi places because they use those things like weed eaters!

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  50. OK, I can't top that, nor do i ever wish to. Have you ever heard of the ped egg? It is a disturbing little tool of which to scrap said skin off feet. I actually toyed with the idea of buying it until the name just did me in. Could I really buy something called the ped egg? Watch it is probably amazing and I am holding out because of my hang ups on poor product names. Hm.

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  51. OK so you are hilarious. I really think you should make it clear to people that they should click on humor blogs to boost your score because you are so funny you should bump that Womb at the Inn chick right off the list. Not that I'm competitive or anything and I'm sure you aren't either, but still...you know...we have to have our little funnsies once in a while.

    Yes, I am aware that is not a word.
    However, it was fun to write and is fun to say.

    Hilarous blog as always.

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  52. i guess Im grosser than gross, b/c is that really gross? so he was eating your dead foot skin, I use to chew off my own toe nails! WHY? I don't know I was a teenager. I'd probably do it now but like I can really get my foot to my mouth- wait I just tried, I CAN! Well Im still not going to do, cause that is gross.
    And diet coke lady totally wins- POOP IN HER THROAT?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Ugh!!!

    Now onto the important comment-
    why in the heck are people emailing you such ridiculous questions? Holly has told me about other emails that critique your posts??? INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  53. Dontcha love when people try to tell you what you should do with your own blog? Yeah...thanks...'cuz I really have no clue as to what I'm doing with this thing!

    Besides, blogs that try to be meaningful are just boring. I'd much rather read about ghetto pinatas than about global warming.

    And here's my gross story: when my daughter was a newborn, she just loves to projectile vomit on anyone who wasn't holding her the preferred way. My wonderful mother was trying to get her to burp, then held her up...and got vomit all down her cleavage.

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  54. Sue, that was a fantastic post. Lots of grossness going on in the comments, you poor people. I can't think of anything that gross that's happened to me. Other than weird things we've pulled out of drains, nothing ate it though! I have also had the women who give pedicures ridicule my feet, in Vietnamese though. It's kept me away for a long while.....

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  55. I can't top it, but if you can't beat 'em...

    My husband clogs the toilet REGULARLY. My one year old (at the time) liked to play in the toilets REGULARLY. One time...playing...poopy water...gag...blech...

    I just can't go on.

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  56. Too Funny!! I was a manicurist for 15 years and I have seen some stuff let me tell ya sista!! I could match you but I too but then people really wouldn't get their nails done and I wouldn't want that to happen. :-)
    I love your sense of humor!

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  57. that is gross, and the comments. Oh my. I stopped reading some of them because I can only dry heave 4times a day, that is my limit. I can't think of any of my own off the top of my head, although Im sure with my boys I have some examples-I'm just blank now. But I have heard of people washing their face with their first morning urine because they swear it cures acre. that's gross.

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  58. *puke* just a little

    and why should anyone tell YOU what YOUR blog should be about???

    HUGS, girl, I will read your stuff whether it is forumly (is that a word) or not. :D

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  59. Okay, once I was flossing and I went to see what was on the string cause I had to know what I had, right?

    Some how I plucked the string and the bit of whatever gunk flew into my eye.

    The next day, I couldn't open my eye. I had an infection from the crap between my teeth, in my eye.

    Yuck!

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  60. Ok the dog eating the skin is gross but is it weird that I find the foot razor thing worse? That just gives me the heebie-jeebies.
    And I think the fish eye wins.

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  61. FIrst of all...61 and now 62 comments...totally jealous...but you are so funny, so it's well deserved.

    Anyhow, I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit...but I have an overactive imagination! It's a curse when I hear stories such as that!

    But I do live to pick zits and peel dead sun burned skin...so maybe it's just gross when it's someone else?

    LOL...anyway...thanks for sharing you totally deep topic!

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  62. Dogs eat and lick lots of disgusting things. I can't list them all here because I think I'm going to throw up.

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  63. Why do you think I never let our dogs in the house, Sue? Nine kids produced enough grossness without getting dogs in the mix. I will spare your readers the fine details of Family grossness, but, believe me, there were plenty of projectile- poop-vomit-clogged-toilet-disgusting
    -snack-eating-smearing-snot stories. It was always scary to moved beds away from the wall, knowing what might lurk on-under-against the wall.

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  64. But, of course, you NEVER had a role in any of those stories!

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  65. Ya, thats pretty gross. I don't know if I can top that one. But I just discovered the Pedi Egg from Walgreens. AWESOME!

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  66. Oh, man...I'm SO glad I came back over here to read the rest of your comments...I have never gagged and yet laughed so hard in all my born days, lol! I was squirting tears as I laughed reading some of these!

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  67. Ummm..... wow. And the comments even worse! Especially the fish one. EEEWWWW!!!

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  68. OK, I work in a hospital, so I have a long list. But the worst I have heard of happened to a friend. She is a PT, who was helping a patient get out of bed during a hospitalization for a severe gastrointestinal illness/severe diarrhea. As the patient came up to sit on the side of the bed, my friend reached over and grabbed the catheter tubing to bring it along.

    It wrapped itself around her finger.

    It was a tapeworm.

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  69. sue, i think i write this every time i comment, but you make me LAUGH. golly (golly?) how you make me laugh.



    you know what else makes me laugh? those foot buffer peelers things [technical term] you speak of. i always pull my foot away when the girls go to town on them.

    and i can't think of grosser than gross. i have two toddlers. my life is a study of gross. let's just say massive amounts of poo. in various places. all the time.

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  70. I would have firstly replied to this a-hem.. person... "it's MY blog, hence the ME, ME, ME in the header, and if I wanted a Forum I would have went to Forums.com" but that's just me.. :)hahahaha Sorry I don't do well with others that don't want to 'play'. I'm all about common sense :) If you don't like it, don't read it, the same goes with everything else for me... :)
    I soooo agree with J. on this, I can't see how dogs lick and eat everything... and after this I mean EVERYTHING and people still let them lick their face and hands and ugh... I'm off to puke thank you.

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  71. um, i'm glad i stopped by?

    but i like your blog anyway. (even though i am a little freaked out by your dog)

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  72. Ok so this is my first visit to your blog. Wow! What an introduction!! I'm glad though, because I haven't laughed in 2 days and this totally did the trick. I think the fish eyeball helped immensely, and so did the poo in the throat. I do have to say the tapeworm was right near the top of grossness, but it wasn't funny! It was just plain ol' gross!

    A few years back, my husband was changing my daughter's diaper (she was about 16 mos) and as he was trying to "wipe" her, something was hanging from uh... her back end. It appeared to be string-like. So - me, the nice motherly type - told him to pull it. Well he did. And some more came out. So he kept pulling! About 18 inches later, he realized, that even though the minty freshness was gone, she had indeed ingested previously used dental floss from Grandmas garbage can. It's not just dogs that eat out of the garbage! Poor guy still can't floss his teeth without gagging.

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  73. OMG! LOL well, saves having to vacuum, I guess. ha ha ha ha!

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  74. Like the time I opened a bag of food and found THIS?

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  75. VAL THAT IS HORRIBLE.

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  76. Ok, me dense one that I am, thought you meant that it was really fictitious that people were telling you what to blog about. I can't believe it! What better things do they have to do?

    I live for the humor and silliness on blogs such as yours. Who needs to be serious all the time?

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  77. I can see that I am late in getting back to the grossness, but Sarah K did send y'all to the right place for my tale of nasty. Which, I stand by as the most epic tale of it's kind... the tapeworm outgrosses it though.

    Still gagging a little...

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  78. I have to say that I am (sorta) glad I choose today to check out your blog. It does my heart good to know that there are others out there who have disgusting dogs and children, just like me:)

    Alright! The dog poo, diaper eating, pads and flesh things all happened here at my house already this morning!

    When my first born was about 2 our family was visiting a dear friends Grandma (Chickie Mamma's Gram in fact). Grandma was so in love with my son that when he came out of the back room covered in brown stuff~it never occured to her that it might be poop! Taking a finger and scooping off a glob of stuff, she asks my son "Is it chocolate??" she chimes in a wonderful sing song voice and licks her finger. *gag*

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  79. Oh, Farm Chick. Oh dear.

    Rebecca - Shhhh. Whispers: That actually IS what I meant. The voices in my head often like to try to get me to better myself. I silence them with chocolate though.

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  80. shalane4:02 PM

    I haven't stopped by the blog in a while and was thrilled that this was the first post I caught up with. It made me gag a little. Yikes. Seriously, this is the reason we do not have a dog.

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