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DUDES. (I love saying that. It's so stupid, but so awesome. DUDES.)
I think my vacuum just died. It's sort of a relic - a Hoover Wind Tunnel circa 1996. Oh man, I'll bet some of you were (give me strength) eight years old when I bought that vacuum. (That is just - not right. Don't tell me if you were eight years old, o.k.? Because then I'll have to start with the moaning and the "woe is me, I'm so old, death is soon upon me" garbage.)
So. Recently it started making a really nasty burning smell when I run it, and it doesn't seem to realize that the mission of a vacuum is to suck up stuff off of the carpet. I've checked out all of the obvious things, and nothing seems to help. I don't think it's really doing ANYTHING at this point, other than gathering up the courage to explode.
Now see, here is where I wish my blog was bigger. As I pointed out to Amy yesterday in the comments of her Valspar post, there is no use in having a (sort-of, kind of, maybe-at-some-point-in-the-future) popular blog if companies don't feel compelled to send you free crap. That is actually my whole goal in life right now - to eventually become Shannon from Rocks in My Dryer.
(If I ever were to reach that particular pinnacle, I would regularly hold contests where I "gave stuff away" that companies sent to me, except I think I would actually KEEP all the stuff and just pretend to give it away. Or demand that the companies send me two of everything. And then keep both of them and give the extras away for Christmas.) (Possibly this is why companies don't send me anything.)
So, back to the vacuum. This is the part where the fine folks at Dyson, or Hoover, or - I don't know, even what I've read is the vacuum company of the devil, Kirby, (good gravy, I never knew there was so much inter-brand vacuum drama - it's like Coke vs. Pepsi all over again), should really just dive in and send me a free vacuum. It just makes good business sense.
So here is what I propose: Whichever company offers to send me a vacuum first, then - THEY ARE THE WINNER. So it's like - if you send me a vacuum, you get bragging rights. Because you won. Something. Kind of.
I mean, I can see how it could get out of hand. Give one blogger a vacuum, and soon, all the mommy bloggers are lining up for their free vacuum too. But I have a solution to that problem. Just give ME the free vacuum, and not anyone else. (See how easy that is?)
So Dyson (or Hoover) (or the company which shall not again be named) I am sure you CANNOT WAIT to participate in this fine opportunity. I will just sit here and wait to be contacted.
I'm sure it will be anyday now.
Hopefully soon.
(There's a lot of crap on my carpet.)
P.S. Um, also - Lexus? I once read about how some car company let some blogger borrow a car for a year. If you would like to get in on some of that action, I am totally here for you. And I would promise to write happy little Lexus oriented posts every day for, oh, at least a week. After that, no guarantees because I would probably get distracted by something shiny. So hey, Lexus - CALL ME. XOXO
P.P. S. Oh, lovely readers - I am sure many of you are sitting there thinking - oh, man, I wish I could do something to help Sue in her quest for free stuff. Because it's not like any of you have LIVES or anything. In fact, I'm guessing that what you each really want to do with your precious free time right now is help me get a free vacuum.
Well, TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY because there is something you can do to help. What you can do is just link to my post from your blog, and there will be such a tidal wave of linkage to my blog that it will rise up above all of the other blogs, and the other pleas for free stuff, and Dyson (or Hoover) will be overwhelmed by the mightyness of my blog and they will have to SUBMIT TO MY WILL. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Anyone up for it? Anyone? Oh.
No? Not really?
FINE. BE THAT WAY.
P.P.P.S. Is there anyone you would shill for in exchange for free stuff?
Shill?
ReplyDeleteShill...
ReplyDelete1.a person who poses as a customer in order to decoy others into participating, as at a gambling house, auction, confidence game, etc.
2. a person who publicizes or praises something or someone for reasons of self-interest, personal profit, or friendship or loyalty.
You are welcome.
Ohhhhh....I thought maybe it was a typo and it meant to read "is there any person you would kill".
ReplyDeletePhew!!
I would link to you, but you'd have to promise to read my blog and comment at least once a week.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe talk Dyson into giving me their latest model too. ;)
Well, I was 33 in 1996, so you need not feel old around me. Now what were you doing staying up so late last night, young lady?
ReplyDeleteYou can keep the free stuff. I want all the fun trips the uber-bloggers get to go on. Even the trip to visit Johnson and Johnson in New Jersey. I feel like I'm in 4th grade and no one is inviting me to the slumber parties (not that that happened, or anything).
I wasn't eight. I was a Junior in High School. You're welcome. (I think.)
ReplyDeleteI had a two-year-old in 1996.
ReplyDeleteI now have a Dyson. LOVE it! I call him Dyson. He has a place at the dinner table and his own bedroom. Sometimes I take him out to dinner.
Also, once I was given a pack of Pampers and wipes in exchange for writing about them on my blog. That's it, though. And I've posted offers to say nice things about the Nikon 300D camera if they'd send me one, but no dice.
I was twenty six. Feel better?
ReplyDeleteI think I could hook you up with some free books... but then you'd have to read 'em and write book reviews for your blog; a bit too much like High School English assignments if you ask me.
I totally want to lasso that cash cow!
ReplyDeleteI'm easy that way... give me a good deal or better yet, something free... and I will totally be your publicity whore!
Did you read the article in the WSJ on Dooce and how she makes $40k a month?? A MONTH! Great balls of fire, I would pee my pants if that came my way. Actually, I'd pee my pants if I got ANYTHING free from blogging.
But, thats probably just because I don't do my kegel exercises... or any exercises for that matter! :>)
I am quite certain I am more ancient than you or even any of your readers. Quite certain. So certain that when everyone started telling what they were doing in 1996 I went clear back to 1986 because it felt like '96 was that long ago.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the vacuum. And the Lexus.
And whatever else you want out of the blogging pie.
As for shilling, I comment for food. Or to get people to visit my blog. Or send me overpriced (but cute) art. Or a fancy silver locket. I used to get lucky with that. Now, not so much. But it was fun while it lasted.
In 1996....I was 15. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteAnd...please god forgive me but...(whisper)..I think Dysons are overrated. You can't beat a Henry Hoover, they are always smiling which you cant say about any other Hoover. And you get to pull him about by the nozzle saying in a really posh english acccent; "come along Henry"! Its so fun. Honestly.
Sup? (my other favorite other than Dude)
ReplyDeleteI was 11 in '96! (don't hate me...)Wowza...anyway, my husband and I just bought a vacume. We FINALLY invested more than $60 in a vacume. All the other cheapies broke every 6 months. We could have bought the coolest, most expensive vacume out there with all the money we spend on cheap ones!
I'd go with a Hoover- check out Sears!
I'm so old I can't even remember being eight. That should make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI hate vacuums! I've bought them all from cheap to expensive and it doesn't matter. They only last about 3-4 years for me. Of course, I do live with a bunch of piggies so the poor vacuums have to pick up all sorts of crap that normally isn't found on floors. But anyway...
Good luck on getting the free stuff!
I was twenty four. It wasn't a particularly good year, 1996.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know what shill meant, either, and aren't you the Smart Miss Smarty Pants?
I think Dyson should totally give you a vaccuum, if that helps.
Keetha: We are age twins! (high-five) That was the year I got married, hence the vacuum.
ReplyDeleteSC: I was up late because I was supposed to be writing something for an actual client, who would then send me money which I could conceivably use to buy a vacuum. But instead I thought it would make more sense to spend my time last night writing for free and WISHING for someone to send me stuff. (It made sense in my head at the time.)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous #4, you better watch out, now the Dyson people are gonna HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.
P.S. Rebecca, I am not really wanting anyone to link to me as a result of this post.
Well, wait, that is a lie. I am not wanting anyone to link to me for the purpose of getting a VACUUM.
O.K., wait, that is STILL a lie. (It was a joke, is all I'm saying.)
(And yet, if this post makes you want to link to me because of my sad, sad story of not getting stuff, HEY, don't let me stop you.)
Ah..well the Dyson people may want to hunt me down and kill me but the Henry people will love and adore me and may very possibly offer me hoover based protection against those darn Dyson people.
ReplyDeleteHooray! Do you guys get Henrys?! (I live in little old Ireland).
Confession while I'm here..Anonymous#4 which is me, was also anonymous #'s 1, 2, and 3.
I replied to myself. Sorry.
I love the comment about peeing her pants... b/c she doesn't do keigels (did I spell that right?) I almost fell off my seat laughing!
ReplyDeleteAnyway.. I graduated in 96!
I'm with you I wanna free something! Acutally I want some free diapers! I'm about to have my 3rd baby and I need diapers! I want the cloth ones. So, if I can figure out how to link to your post, it is going on my page.
I'm really linking to it because it was so funny! But something free would be great too!
I'll split a piece with you.
ReplyDeleteIn 1996, I was 29.
ReplyDeleteI was also 29 in 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000............
Last year I decided to turn 30 for the first time. I think I'll be 30 again this year ;0)
My mom had one of those vacuums that "shall not be named" and it lasted her like 27 years. Since then, she has gone through a vacuum every 1-2 years. (She has tried almost every brand out there)
We have a Bissell vacuum that we got from Costco almost 3 years ago. So far so good.
We had a scary vacuum incident a few years ago. I had been sewing, and was cutting out the fabric on the living room floor. For some reason, I had to put everything away really fast (Probably the home teachers were coming) and I just shoved all the fabric under the couch. Not knowing that I had done this, DH was vacuuming, and pushed the vacuum under the couch, and sucked up a big piece of chiffon.
I can't remember how much it cost to get that fixed, but I do remember the vacuum repair man offering to take our third child in exchange for the vacuum.
Sue! I'm killing myself here!
ReplyDeleteI recommend a Bissell Bagless. Luuuurve mine. It's not Dyson, but pretty darn good regardless. And less than half the price. I've had mine for a year now, and it's pretty darn spiffy still.
Assuming you remember to put the brush roller back on before you vacuum your whole house and freak out that your vacuum is breaking down, only to realize your mistake, blush, and have to do it all over again.
Yeah.
Good luck with the taking over the world via your blog thing.
p.s. I graduated in '96. And I'm turnin' 30 this summer. Woot!
ReplyDeletehmmm... I believe Dooce sold her soul to the advertising devils. Which I don't blame her one bit. Except for when she goes off on Mormons, but it's a free country, right?
ReplyDeleteHaters to the left.
Vacuums are expensive. At the advice of my Connie we ponied up for a canister kenmore from Sears and I've loved it ever since. Even if we did have to go through 2 before the factory defect worked itself out (it stayed turned on even when I pushed the off button). Sucks up the doggie hair great. And my hair too, since I shed like a collie. And great on stairs, has a little attachment just for that which I use on the couch too.
I personally think ALL mommy bloggers should get free vacuums and some sort of company rep to use them for us for, oh, and year or so? Whilst training our children to then use them. Can I wish that big?
ReplyDeleteI have a Hoover canister-the kind that isn't an upright. I love it. It's my friend.
I keep meaning to link to you. Does that count? I'll do it soon. Like when I manage to take time to update my own blog. But I do love you--really and truly--you make me laugh.
You're on my blogroll, does that count?
ReplyDeleteI have one of the vacuums that shall not be named and it's okay. (Minus having to lug it up and down the stairs.) I'm planning on sabotaging the thing so I can get a Dyson. Shhh...don't tell my hubby.
P.S. The vacuum that shall not be named is not worth the sales pitch.
Well, I can't really recommend anything new, since the vacuum I use most of the time is an Electrolux canister vacuum that belonged to my husband's grandmother. I am not sure exactly how old it is - it's really groovy -looking, though.
ReplyDelete(1960's?) It still works great! Although I only use it on my laminate floors. I have no idea if they still sell Electroluxes. (I use a Hoover upright that my husband bought me shortly after we were married in 1998 for the rugs.)
Let me know if you get any free stuff!
Guess what I found out? If you don't use your vacuum that much it lasts a really long time!
ReplyDelete:D
I was 37 in '96 and I'm still young!!! Well, at least for one more year . . .
I started doing my own product reviews in hopes that companies would start sending me free stuff. No dice.
ReplyDeleteIf Lexus calls, let me know if they need someone in Canada promoting their vehicles, 'kay?
ReplyDeleteHeidi
Who would I not shill for in exchange for free stuff?
ReplyDeleteNo one. I'll take free stuff. I might throw it away in a few weeks, but I love me some free stuff.
Of course you will put me on your Christmas list, right?
ReplyDeleteAlso, check the belt - that might be the bad smell. Or it could be one of those mini dinosaurs got sucked up into the motor.
*lol* Free stuff is GOOD. So far I haven't gotten anything so major as a vacuum, though. Sorry. Just a few kids videos and belts. Me likey...*G*
ReplyDeleteI'm very curious to see if Dyson will contact you. Here, I'll help:
ReplyDeleteDYSON is a great vacuum.
DYSON is NOT a great vacuum.
DYSON likes Mommy Bloggers.
DYSON does NOT like Mommy Bloggers.
Maybe that will help. If you end up getting a vacuum I'm totally going to try to pimp my blog out to Sur La Table.
You should try for a Roomba.
ReplyDeleteI second the Roomba vote. Or I just bought a Eureka BOSS vacuum from Walmart in January. So far it ROCKS. It practically pushes itself across my carpet! And it was only 30 bucks, and it eats my cat's fur with no problem. I love it.
ReplyDeleteand in 1996 I was 10. I win.
Ok there is just too much to say!
ReplyDeleteMy old and very faithfull Kenmore Phantom (moohaa-ha-ha, sounds creepy huh?) just took a big dump on me. Literally; a big, dog hairy, potato chip, lego, glob. I bought the thing at a yard sale *gasp* for $70 bucks *gasp* in 1996. (I was 21. :) I had been married for 3 years and had a one year old.)
My Bro-in-Law just bought a Dyson and taking pity on me gave me his old Hoover Wind Tunnel. I was hoping for the Dyson. Punk!
P.S. I wet myself reading the comments. I should get a Shop Vac for that!
When you get two vacuums, will you send me the other one?? Mine is making the same burning smells and isn't sucking much of anything... And I think I bought it in 1996??? LOL Actually, it was 1999. BUT STILL!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI linked you! yay me! Now about the duplicate vacuums we plan for you to receive... LOL
ReplyDeleteYou're already linked...anything else I can do to get you that free vaccuum?
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that you have a problem with the belt. I was always burning out belts.
I do that "DUDE" thing, too, and I know it's stupid. I'm sorry. I've started doing it to my kids. Now THEY will need more therapy.
ReplyDeleteI bought a reconditioned Dyson off of Amazon.com. It was NOT free. But it was about half price. I buy a new vacuum every two years no matter what. If this Dyson doesn't work out, I'm going to hunt those people down and KILL THEM. So, there. I hate buying vacuums.
I was 31 in 1996. But it was a good year because it was the year I started dating my (now) husband.
I wish I could send it to you, though. If I win the lottery, which is only out of the question because I don't actually play (we got Edward back! Anything can happen!) I'll send it to you.
Oh Sue, I love you. I too would shill for free stuff, integrity schmintegrity, I need me some stuff.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't actually need more stuff but if it's free I'll take it anyway. I'm easy. (Cheep too, sadly.) And oh, you are so linked.
The last time I bought a vac I told the sales dude that I wanted one with such a strong edge cleaner that I'd need to put extra nails in the baseboards! It's also a Hoover Windtunnel, with bag. We have been BFF's for almost 10 years,we're like this( I'm crossing my fingers). My only request for Christmas last year was another one just like it. I didn't want it to be an only child.
ReplyDeletehttp://tiny.cc/91rzC
ReplyDeleteI twittered it. Does that count?
That is too funny. I don't vaccuum. My husband does. lol. I know, I'm spoiled. :) but good luck with the free vaccuums. Leah directed me over here! lol
ReplyDeleteVacuuming is overrated. My Tongan companion used to sweep our carpet, even though we had a vacuum! Do you have a good broom?
ReplyDeleteDudette I so hope you get a free vacuum - whatever the brand may be.
ReplyDeleteDon't go with the one who won't be mentioned - my kids kept trying to pray over it and cast out the devil especially when it kept making weird noises before it died. Oh I'm kidding - sort of. :)
Okay, so I'm cruisin' through blogs of total strangers because I refuse to do one more thing that requires any effort today and I come across yours. I don't know how I got to yours but I was seriously laughing out loud at it. You are seriously hilarious! Anyway, I realized that you look familiar and when I look closer I realize you are in my ward. I am Jake's sunbeam teacher. This is so dorky but I am so happy because now I can legitimately check your blog often and it is quite entertaining.
ReplyDeleteleapin lizards, you make me laugh. i heart you.
ReplyDeleteMy good old Hoover - circa about 1996 - is still running strong. Honey, you have to get those things serviced once in a while to keep them humming.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I don't know if I should admit this, but in 1996 I was 50 and I'm still 50 and I will always be 50.
While your waiting for a new Dyson, Hoover, or another kind, you are welcome to use my Walmart special Dirt Devil Vision vacuum. Or be like me and just don't vacuum. :)
ReplyDelete1. if your 50+ comments blog is not popular than mine is for sure crap!
ReplyDelete2. how'd you get a hoover to last 12 years???? On my 2nd one and it's nearing the expiration of my first (8yrs) so I am hoping it goes quickly and painlessly(actually i'd like to see it blow up) cause I want a dyson or something super awesome. I am so OVER hoover :)
3. BTW, I curse out loud at my hoover everytime I have to use the hose, which is often. the dang thing won't stand up and falls over at the slightest stretch. I'm cursing it in my mind right now just thinking about it!
I was 26, so I am sure that makes you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI want a Dyson so much that I would offer to marry it and be it's sugar mamma.
In 96 I was eight (plus ten).
ReplyDeleteGood luck in your quest for free stuff. :)
In 1996 I was a sophomore in college (Of course, I was 53 and back for a second degree, but we won't mention that). Now I am 46, because when you hit 50 you're supposed to count how far you are from 100, not 0, so you can maintain healthy self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a vacuum that really works and lives up to its hype.
heheheh. I love the commercial where all they say is Dude. It is for a beer company, which of course, I don't purchase, but it still makes me laugh every time I see it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do this for books! Cookbooks! Problem is I usually give them all away and end up without one. I need to start keeping at least one of them.
How have I only just found your blog??? And DUDE?! You have close to 400 comments...never mind just a measly little 100 comments...they should totally send you a vaccuum...you've earned it!
ReplyDelete