Monday, March 31, 2008

Pillow Talk

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“Honey, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Do you really?”

“Yes.”

“REALLY?”

“Yes.”

“How much?”

He turns over. “Do we have to do this right now?”

“HONEY. I’m just saying - I really, REALLY love you. I really do.”

“You mean, as opposed to my fake love.”

“I know you love me, but I love you so much that sometimes I think my head might explode. I love you so much that if we weren’t already married I might stalk you. That’s the kind of love I’m talking about. Do you love me like that?”

(Long silence) “Hon, I’m really tired.”

“Clearly, our love is dead.”

“Go to sleep.”

“How can I sleep knowing you’re all cold and dead inside?”

“Try.”

“If I had a stroke, would you put me in a home?”

He fake snores.

I steal back some covers. “Fine. I'll leave you alone. But I can't believe you won’t even say those three little words before we go to sleep.”

“I ALREADY DID.”

“But you didn't really MEAN them."

“Here’s three words for you, and I really, really mean them: YOU’RE A DORK.”

“So romantic.”

“And yet, so true.”

59 comments:

  1. Hahaha! Your blog is hilarious! Just found it today. This could be a scene between me and my husband.

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  2. Al-anon10:17 AM

    Don't take this the wrong way, but well, you are kind of a dork. But you're not any dorkier than any of the rest of us (we just don't publish it on the internet for the whole wide world to see quite so often). And I really really love your blog.

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  3. Wait, who's calling who a dork?

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  4. Al-Anon - I am trying to embrace my inner dork. ;>

    Heather - That would be my husband calling me a dork. As per usual.

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  5. I identify with this way too well... The things we put our husbands through. I'd feel sorry for mine except I have to pick up all his socks. So I guess we're even, right?

    Found your blog a couple of weeks ago and I've been hooked from day 1. You crack me up!

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  6. Well, I'm sure he means 'dork' in the 'I love you so much my heart would explode if I couldn't spend eternity at your beautiful angelic face' sense.

    You gotta read between the lines, y'know?

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  7. ROTFL! I LOVED this post! Sounds somewhat familiar.

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  8. You may be a dork, but you're HIS dork.

    ;0)

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  9. From that old show Mad About You: would you love me if I were a prostitute?

    Stops 'em dead in their tracks.

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  10. LOL! That was hilarious, Sue. Funny stuff.

    And lol on "hints from Heloise" gray! To think that as a girl I WANTED beautiful solid gray/white hair (and LONG like Heloise) when I was old! Now that I'm well on my way, I'm freaking out, because I didn't want this to happen until I was OLD...you know, like 65! Which is, you know, 40 years away still! ;)

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  11. And just when I thought I couldn't laugh any harder than I'd just done at my friend Jen's blog, it happens! I read your blog and crack up and my children are now staring at me like I'M A DORK. LOL So at least you're not alone in your dorkiness, eh??? LOL!!

    I have conversations like that with my husband. Well, not QUITE that far, but close. More like "how come I always have to say "I love you" first, and you always just say "I love you, too"?

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  12. Hilarious. My hubby and I always have the strangest and goofiest conversations in bed.

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  13. Well, I don't think that is funny at all, nagging your poor husband that way. He'll put you in a home for sure.

    (Sorry - I just wanted to write a comment, and 11 other people already wrote how funny it was, which I do agree with, most emphatically; but my nonconformist side sort of took over here.)

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  14. When I ask my hubster how much he loves me from 1 to 10, and he gives me a 13, I pout because he didn't say 267.

    Somehow I think our husbands would understand each other.

    Hope you're doing OK. The last post had me wanting to fly over and give you a big hug.

    Heidi

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  15. I love YOU so much MY head is exploding....

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  16. Bridget1:15 PM

    I think this one belongs in the "Posts That Don't Suck. Much."

    I, myself, like to establish my dorkiness by asking my husband the top three reasons he loves me juuuuust as he is nodding off to sleep. If they are insufficient reasons, he has to start over. Ah, love.

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  17. love is great....lol

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  18. You two crack me up!

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  19. Neil and I have had that exact same conversation.

    Except that I wasn't half so funny.

    Oh, and the bit where I cried at the end. Yep. I've got issues.

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  20. Funny Sue! This is so me and my hubby. I love it.

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  21. Ok...not many posts can make me bust out laughing. That's funny!

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  22. Hehehe - I knew I liked you for a reason - my twin dork. ;)

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  23. "I love you so much my brain might explode." Sue, I love you. Dorkiness and all!

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  24. Nice...I love to do that just because I know it bugs him...which entertains me...which is what its all about!

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  25. teeheehee

    Clearly you love him more. It is so obvious!

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  26. Oh. Snort.

    Dork. ;-) But I really, really, REALLY, love you.

    No, I do.

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  27. Seriously, why can't you ladies just let us sleep? :)

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  28. They just don't get the intensity of our love (or the weirdness of our timing).

    My husband doesn't have to fake snores when I declare my love. He is REALLY snoring. My soothing voice puts him right to sleep every single time.

    Sheesh...

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  29. LOL! This sounds like me when I have PMS. My husband never fake snores though...he believes in the real thing.

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  30. this sounds so much like Mark & me. I make him go through this all the time. Except for the "if I had a stroke would you put me in a home?" line. oh my gosh, I burst out laughing!! I'm going to add that one in to my nightly questioning.

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  31. Your husband cracks me up!

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  32. Anonymous9:55 PM

    I don't how I came across your blog but after reading through many of your posts I can't stop laughing. You are so funny. I mean laughing out loud to myself funny. Your list of things that are make you unique were so funny. Thanks for your positive outlook on a difficult time you are having right now.--Jay

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  33. see the funny thing about that conversation is yes, it could be me and my hub too, except I would be playing the role of your husband and Hub would be playing you

    because that's how we roll

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  34. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAAA
    that's hilarious LOL

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  35. Thank you for curing my concern for you with laughter!! Oh what a wonderful post!! And it sounds just like my marriage...except in reverse.

    Missed you while you were quiet!!

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  36. Yes, yet another insane couple at my house has conversations just like that one, or in reverse. You don't love me. Oh, yes I do. Well, I love you more than you love me. No, I love YOU more than you love me....then you have to elaborate on all the proof that you're the winner.

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  37. You are great! Always give me a grin and a laugh. Thanks!

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  38. You crack me up. What a great little slice of happily married life. :-)

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  39. My husband and I had just about the same conversation the other night. Though I did ask him if I died if he would cry. I got the look and the conversation thus ended.

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  40. Dorks united! I loved, loved, loved this post! So cute. Thanks for my first real smile of the day!

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  41. Heh.
    My husband never CALLS me a dork, but I strongly suspect he thinks it.

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  42. It actually IS romantic compared to our pillow talk.
    "Did Jr. pee before he went to bed?"
    "Yup. Did you feed the dog?"
    "Yup. Oh shoot I gotta go switch laundry."
    Then I return to find him drooling on his pillow and snoring.
    Ahhh, married life.

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  43. I love your blog. You're hilarious! I just found you today, on a link from sisterskinny.

    Keep it up! :)

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  44. Hey Sue, could you stop being quite so funny for a while? Cuz, see, I just started making some new friends who then started reading my blog, and then they found your blog, and now they keep asking when they get to meet my sister. So, um, a few crappy posts would really help my social life. think of it as service.

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  45. Shannon5:27 PM

    Oh woman, you are hilarious! I just added your blog to my "favorites" and have it listed as "hilarious blog" :)

    I just realized that I have no idea if my husband would send me to a home if I had a stroke...I suspect he would because yesterday he was looking at my social security info and marveling at how much he would get monthly if I died (and its not even very much!)

    Also we are in the same boat with the whole trying to sell the house before the bank decides to take it back, and moving back to where we started from, and I know how you are feeling. It is a really embarassing situation and more than slightly depressing but I know we will both do great.

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  46. The other day I made my husband promise me that if I die before he does, he will perish of a broken heart within three months. Four months, tops. He could NOT BELIEVE that I was asking him to promise such a ridiculous thing, but he did, eventually. Then he walked around, shaking his head and muttering, "I can't believe I just promised that. What has HAPPENED to me?"
    I assume what he meant was, "OH HOW I LOVE THIS BRIDE OF MINE."
    (ps I just discovered your blog, and I am officially in awe. Will you be my best friend?)

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  47. He is still there. He loves you.

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  48. Awwwwwwwwwwww. I would have burst out crying. :(

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  49. I forgot to tell you that your last post made me cry. I love you and I don't even know you. You'll be fine.

    used to be, al-anon

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  50. Here's your comment because, well, Heaven forbid I kill off a piece of your soul... I've done enough bad things in life that I really don't need one more on my conscience.

    By the way, in case no one's told you lately- you are HILARIOUS!

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  51. And one more thing- I've been trapped in your blog for, oh, I don't know, a YEAR or something now... Okay, maybe just an hour, but still I should be in bed or doing laundry or something. And yet, I can't stop reading because you are so stinking funny. Let me put it this way: If you were wearing that comment box I'd put a note in it that said:

    "Hey, I live in Utah too, can we be friends? What? No? Because you're moving? Well, crap."

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  52. if its any consolation, I LOVE YOU and I will totally visit you in the home after your stroke.

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  53. "Hey, I live in Utah too, can we be friends? What? No? Because you're moving? Well, crap."

    me too me too, LOL!

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  54. Hahahahahahaha! Love it!

    I'm a dork too. Dorks of the world, UNITE!

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  55. You are funny... and alot like me! I usually start with, "Hon, can I ask you something..." He fakes sleep too... so, I wake him up... Fun times.

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  56. Are you sure Mormons don't do the polygamy thing anymore? Because I swear you and I are married to the same man...

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  57. This could not be a scene between my husband and I. Our goodnight routine could use a little desperation. I think I'm going to print this off and say your exact words to him and see what happens.

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  58. My husband does this horrible thing along those lines. I say, "Oh, I love you SO MUCH!! Will you love me forever?" And he says, "We only have today. I will love you today."

    And I say, "WTF? Would it kill you to give me some false reassurances? I mean, I KNOW we only have today because I will probably hit you with something heavy while you sleep tonight! I take it back. I don't love you. Take the dog and get out."

    Ah, marriage. Best thing ever.

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  59. aren't we all dorks :) that is wonderful, thanks for the great morning laugh...

    sorry about moving, its all fun wrapped up in a ball of tears, pain, and lots of work...

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