Wednesday, December 26, 2007

How You Know You Have a Little Problem Called PMS

Pin It (Warning, squeamish men might want to leave the room, because at some point I'm gonna say the word PERIOD. Oops, see, I just did it.)

Christmas Eve:
4:00: At brother and sister-in-law's house, go back and forth between laughing and being incredibly negative, at rapid speed. It's good to keep people off guard.

6:15: Relentlessly correct everything your husband says. When he privately expresses irritation, get all teary eyed, because how could he be so MEAN? Demand that he forgive you, or Christmas is RUINED.

8:00: Realize you brought a dumb white elephant gift. Burst into tears and leave the room. When people ask why you are crying, tell them you don't know, that you just feel pathetic.

8:15: Realize you only brought a couples gift and not separate white elephant gifts for you and your husband. Burst into tears. Again.

9:30: Someone says something nice. Start crying because people are JUST SO NICE.

10:35: Sister does something amazingly nice for you. Sob.

And again.

And again.

Christmas Morning and Afternoon:
Apparently, you are given a respite for Christmas morning that allows you to behave in a fairly normal way. Hallelujah, it's a Christmas miracle. Ponder previous day's teariness, wonder why you were falling apart... You are not usually such a huge cry-baby. What is WRONG with you? Ponder, ponder, ponder - see chips and dip, lose train of thought.

Christmas Night:
7:00: Fly home because you have to be at work in the morning, and husband and kids don't need to be back till Friday. Say goodbye to husband and kids. Cry.

10:00: Land. Find car in long-term parking, covered in ice and snow. You forgot to put windshield ice scraper in the car. In between using an old gardening glove to try to get the ice off the windshield, cry and shake fist at the sky.

11:00: Realize on the way home that the gas light is on and you are below empty. Realize you have entered some type of twilight zone land with no convenience stores anywhere near the highway. Panic. Weep. Locate 7-11. Calm down again. Put gas in car.

11:15: Get on freeway. Try to relax. Take wrong turn, end up in West Valley. Get back on freeway. Swear a lot. Call husband. Ask him to help. Get upset when he reminds you he is 400 miles away. Fail to make the connection. What does that have to do with anything? Why can't he do something to help? WHY? WHY?!!!

11:30: Get off the freeway and onto icy surface streets. Slide around a lot in little car while screaming and cursing. Drive approximately 15 mph toward a stop sign, start skidding anyway. Narrowly avoid accident.

11:40: Very slowly, very cautiously drive into neighborhood. Very slowly start to turn into snowy driveway. Before your front tires even get over the curb, get stuck. Try to go backward. Nope. try to go forward. Nope. Call husband. Tell him you love him, you worship him, and that you will never be separated from him again, ever, ever, EVER. Because you need his snow moving capacity.

11:45: Change into snow boots and parka. Shovel snow. Shovel some more. Shovel again. Try to drive car. Still stuck. Try to push car. Still stuck. Cry. Bang head against car. Fall down in snow. Cry some more, and for added drama, pound the snow with your fist. Curse the heavens.

12:05: Decide to just leave the car there in the street and deal with it in the morning before work. Car is sticking out into the street and will probably get hit, but you do not care. If the car gets hit it was obviously the will of God. Go into the house and change.

12:10: Phone rings. It is your neighbors, your lovely, lovely neighbors, who have noticed that your car is stuck in the road. They are coming to help dig you out. Meet them outside. Shower gratitude on them. In three minutes, the car is in the garage. Weep. Hug them. Weep some more. (Seriously though, how AWESOME are my neighbors? Love them. FLOVE them. SO MUCH FLOVE.)

Morning of the 26th:
8:05: Open the garage to shovel driveway before you go to work. Notice neighbors kids have shoveled driveway and sidewalk. Cry.

Hear Carrie Underwood song. Cry all the way to work.

At work: Get period. Realize the period may be related to weepiness. Cry, because for several years, when you were having kids and nursing, the period was a non-entity - no crazy hormones, no intense pain, nada. Realize that, apparently, both the whacked out PMS hormones (and you thought you just had gotten emotionally MATURE - ha!) and the intense, fever inducing pain are back. Cry.

So... yeah.

I think I may be dehydrated. Excuse me. (Sniffle.)

45 comments:

  1. PMS? It sounds like preggers to me. (Although I think pregnancy is really 9 months of PMS with a new, little human at the end).

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  2. I LOVE this post. No. I FLOVE this post. Seriously. That's totally me. My husband hates it. I hate it. I want to be pregnant just so I can avoid it (well sort of).

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  3. I can totally relate. It's a relief when my period starts because then I realize I'm not crazy, afterall. Well, maybe I am. But at least I have an excuse for the previous 48 hours.

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  4. I love having PMS because it's a great excuse to get really irritated about stuff I can't complain about the rest of the month. And then say I'm PMS-ing. Is that wrong?

    I'm sorry you had to go back to work the day after Christmas! But there aren't any kids at home...that must be cooool. Sort of like being single again. Ooo, I'm getting jealous!

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  5. I feel your pain. Except without the snow. Which is the source of much of your pain. But the crying? Yeah, that's me.

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  6. Oh honey. It sounds like you need chocolate. And possibly Prozac. (Kidding. Just double up on the chocolate.)

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  7. I could write a whole song about how much I hate menstruating.

    Plus bears can smell you in the woods.

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  8. I hate menstruating. I am so bummed that my body has apparently quit getting pregnant and that I have to go through 7 or 8 more years of this nonsense.

    I am trying to figure out FLOVE.

    I'm sort of jealous of that snow. But I don't have to drive to work when it snows, I can just stay in the house and yell at the kids for losing their mittens and tracking slush into the foyer.

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  9. I believe some, just SOME, people I have known use PMS as an excuse to be a b*t#h, but I also know that there are some days when my temper scares me. But a day or so later, I realize WHY. I still feel bad about my temper, but I am so relieved that there is an actual, physical reason. I am not just nuts. Well, maybe just a little.

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  10. I am so there with you! I just wish we had a light ding on that lets us know it's PMS. It's much easier when I realize when I'm going through it that there's a reason why I'm like that!

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  11. I don't think I use PMS as an excuse for bad behavior. But the day before and the day of my period, my hormones just go NUTS and I can't hold it together. I don't get mad, as much as I get weepy and upset. But I totally understand what you mean - that sometimes it's a temptation not only to blame anger on PMS, but it's also a temptation to just - totally allow yourself to lose control of your self discipline in the name of PMS.

    For years the PMS hormone swings didn't happen, and I really thought - wow, I'm cured. But not so much, I guess. I'm so bummed about that. Really.

    SC - FLOVE is like - super love. Super friend love. I flove them.

    I have no idea. It's just - love on steroids. FLOVE.

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  12. Ugh. That sounds miserable. I'm glad Christmas morning was decent.

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  13. I just wanted to cry - I got hormonal just hearing everything that brought you to tears - you poor thing. I can soooooo relate. Hope you had a good Christmas. See you later. Kellan

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  14. I just wanted to cry - I got hormonal just hearing everything that brought you to tears - you poor thing. I can soooooo relate. Hope you had a good Christmas. See you later. Kellan

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  15. I am so proud of you for figuring it out.

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  16. Yeah, well.....can you have PMS without a uterus or ovaries?
    Because I'd really hate to think it's just me.

    Sorry you had the PMS, glad you got over it. Happy Holidays!

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  17. At least you know you're not crazy. I had aunt flow show for a visit as my in-laws walked through the door. I think I scared my FIL half out of his mind I was soo bad. Not like he didn't have it coming! :)

    Hope you were able to enjoy some part of Christmas.

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  18. Monday night makes a lot more sense now. Someday when we stand before God, I will demand an explanation for PMS. After He's already judged me, of course. Save the indignant demands for after the decision in the interest of self-preservation... although He already knows I'm going to ask, so I guess I ruined it for myself the moment I thought it. bah.

    And I thought FLOVE was like FUGLY. You know, you effing love them. Flove.

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  19. Hmmmmm.... Now I am wondering. I HOPE it doesn't mean that. But it probably does. I don't know.

    Pretend it means what I said.

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  20. Oh man, you poor girl. PMS is the pits. I am always aware that I am acting like a sobbing lunatic and yet I am completely helpless to change it. Furthermore, if I try to the she-witch inside me tells me to shut up and eat more chocolate.

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  21. I agree with Jen.
    Chocolate.
    Lots of it. Goodness knows I've had my fair share today. (and then some)
    This morning DH asked me to get rid of the rest of the fudge before he got home from work, so that he wouldn't be tempted.
    I ate it. Every bit of it. I like to think that eating it was an act of service.
    So sorry to hear about you geting stuck in the snow. What cool neighbors you have!
    Jill

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  22. If this wasn't so damn FUNNY, I might be CRYING.

    The symptoms at 4 on the 24th ring especially true.

    And DON'T THINK FOR A MINUTE that being pre-peri-menopausal will solve all this, I'm years ahead of you and have all the same crappe going on.

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  23. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

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  24. I hate that I can't keep control of my emotions- even if it is caused by PMS. So lame. I'm sad that you had to leave your family early but enjoy your time alone.

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  25. Oh, dear. I thought someone had been at my house watching ME do those crazy weepy things. I don't know whether I should be relieved that we share this sort of "affliction of emotional randomness" or frightened. Just imagine a world of women, all 'cycled up' to create mass hysteria and chaos.
    I really needed a good laugh this morning after being a crabby mom/wife/daughter for the last couple of days. Thank you for your wonderful writing!

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  26. awe you poor thing, pms sucks.

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  27. Oh, baby! Have I been there - but for me it was the day after Christmas. At least I could be (mostly) alone. Oh well.
    So sorry you had to come back early and by yourself. That stinks.

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  28. Bless your heart. I was laughing, but only with you, I promise. So glad you're home safe.

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  29. Sending chocolatey thoughts your way, you poor darling. I hit the PMS zone last night. Poor Neil's head is still spinning.

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  30. Dang PMS! PMS or not I would have been crying Tuesday night dealing with saying good-bye, the snow, getting lost, getting stuck, needing gas, etc. I am so glad your neighbors were there to help you out at your house. They sound wonderful!

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  31. Lots of laughing because I have BEEN there. Well not so much stuck in the snow because it doesn't snow here but one time I got lost in a newly developed neighborhood (think no street lights, no street signs, lots of muddy vacant lots that all looked a like). I had written directions to get to the house I was going to but messed up when I tried to do them in reverse. I called home in tears wanting my husband to help. I know EXACTLY how you felt when you made that phone call and why you were mad when Mr. Knight in Shining Armour didn't answer!

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  32. Oh yes, I remember those days. But not fondly. I don't really miss my uterus and overies at all.

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  33. Sometimes my teenage daughter's PMS and mine line up. Dear husband and our two sons would like to know ahead of time so they can decide to go live in the crawl space under the house for a while! For some reason, she and I don't get mad at each other - just the guys.

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  34. I FLOVE this post! Too awesome.
    I never used to get PMS and used to sort of think women who did were exaggerating. Now I am punished for those wrong, judgemental thoughts...for SEVERAL days, and, it seems, about twice a month!
    Only a few more years till Ilsa (now 10, my daughter) joins me in this :) What fun THAT will be.

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  35. you crack me up. I would cry too if my car got stuck and my DH wasn't around. I hate to drive in the snow- I am like an old lady that won't go anywhere if it is snowing and icy.

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  36. Now that I'm done having children, I just wish I could go through menapause and get it over with because I AM THE WORST person the week before my periods. That's the only time I hate being a woman.

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  37. So, you know what's even worse (well, not worse than all you've been through but worse than having all the PMS symptoms and then getting your period?) What's worse is having all the symptoms and then NOT getting your period because you had an endometrial oblation and so you and everyone around you just thinks you're a bitch.

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  38. Wow. We're hormone twins. Have a brownie....

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  39. Funny how we forget that the reason the world falls apart every once in awhile is because of the Period. I always forget and then go "Oh, right. That."

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  40. Girl, cut yourself a little slack. I understand all the hormonal stuff related to PMS (and can totally relate, trust me), but you've had a lot of other changes and stuff in your life of late...beginning a new job, the usual frantic rush of Christmas, hubby being gone, and no doubt still putting pressure on yourself to get done all those things that you managed just fine before the job, but are probably burning the candle at both ends to try and do now...whew! That's a lot, girlfriend!

    Chocolate helps, but even better would be to treat yourself to a really good book (and maybe a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks), put the kiddos to bed early, and take a nice, relaxing hot bath, read for a time and then crawl into bed for a good, solid night of sleep.

    Prayers for better days ahead!

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  41. Maddison7:18 PM

    I just figured Flove meant "friendly love." Not quite the same love as that for family, but, you know, the friend kind! lol
    You said it, sister! Early in my life I didn't have PMS but I had really bad cramping. Now, the cramping is gone but I have major PMS and VERY unwanted hair growth, etc. TMI? Sorry!

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  42. You need more chocolate. I have a friend who got lost in SLC and called her husband to help her find her way home, but she couldn't tell him where she was AT really, so he says, which way is the mountain to you now? And she cries, the mountains are EVERYWHERE! I still don't get how she found her way home.

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  43. Oh my goodness. I don't get like that before my period...but my mom always did. We knew when it was a good time to stay away. I even knew it when I was very little, before I knew what a period was! :)

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  44. This is so me!! and same with me---my period was no biggie before but since having kids (and being done with nursing and such) my pms is a nightmare! actually, I finally went on the pill (after having never been on it in my life) in order to regulate my cycles and tame the pms. It's working! (sort of! it's not perfect, but much better)

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  45. That is SO me! After about 2 days of erratic mood swings and picking fights with my husband over every non-issue I can come up with, he'll finally pull me aside lovingly and ask, "So. . . is it THAT time?" And then it is like a light goes on. OH! That is why I'm acting like a crazy-person! 'Cause I am! Well, for at least the next 24 hours or so.
    Your neighbors are awesome though. I hate moving large quantities of snow. It's one of the major perks of being married, having your very own, live-in snow shoveler.

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