Sunday, November 11, 2007

Family Bulletins #151 - #156

Pin It Dear Abby,
Late breaking news: I am the MOTHER. That means you do what I say. That does not mean you listen and then whine a little and then think it over and then cry and then roll around on the floor and then stare at me balefully and then wait until I start counting to three and THEN you do what I say. It just means you do what I say.
Love,
The Tyrannical Being Who Is the Destroyer of All Fun

P.S.: Don’t stick your tongue out at me. I can see you.


Dear Dumb, Stupid, Hateful Dog:
Have you seen 101 Dalmations lately? Yeah? Well, two words:
Puppy Coat.
Love From,
The Woman Who Was Not Happy With The Little Present You Left On The Carpet This Morning
P.S. I hate you.



Dear Husband,
The dog left you a present. Enjoy!
Love,
The Woman Who Is Ready to Send The Dog Off To The Farm - The Farm Where All Evil Dogs Go To Die Retire


Dear Children,
The wall is for holding up the roof. It has sufficient texture and color already. You do not need to fortify the wall by plastering it with boogers at night. Heaven knows you are constantly looking for excuses to get out of bed at night - so GET OUT OF BED and WIPE IT ON A FREAKING TISSUE. Good gravy. I mean, you know I hate boogers, right? So why would you make me pick old hard, dried up ones off the wall with my fingernail? Ugh.
Love,

The Woman Who Cannot Believe Such Gross Creatures Could Possibly Be Her Offspring Because Really, That Is Just Sick And Wrong
P.S. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.


Dear Sarah,
Stay in the backyard means stay in the backyard. It does not mean open up the gate and go in the front yard and walk down the street to where your friends are all congregated. It means stay in the yard that is in the back. The BACK YARD. When you nod and say, “Yes mom, we will stay in the backyard,” I assume you are agreeing to Stay.In.The.Back.Yard. The one in the back. This is not an acceptable response: “OOH, you meant the BACK yard. Oh. Sorry.” If you want to play with your friends in the front yard, ask me. But don't act like you had no idea what I was talking about. I know you speak English.
Love,
The Woman Who Is Buying A Padlock For The Gate Tomorrow



Dear Carter,
Listen. We've gotta talk, mommy to three year old. I know it feels nice and apparently this is perfectly normal and - all that jazz, but you can't - handle it all day long. And you really can't take it out of your pants and point it at people. That kind of behavior will land you in jail someday. Seriously. Put it away.
Love,

The Woman Responsible For Teaching You How To Become a Functioning Member of Society, Lord Help Us All

66 comments:

  1. Once again---you had me in stitches! I love, love, love these letters! My kids and dogs do the exact same stuff and I feel like sending them all to that lovely farm where dogs go---all of them! (today, I even feel like sending the hubby there too!)
    Thanks for the laugh!

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  2. Dude. If they didn't do all that stuff, what would the rest of us have to be entertained by?

    I just realized that my 3YO has radically reduced the amount of time spent playing with his favorite little friend. And my 5YO doesn't do it at all anymore. Here's hoping.

    Yeah, and you will never catch me dead with a canine living in my house. I don't care how much the childrens beg.

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  3. Dear Sue,

    Stop being so darn funny. All.The.Time. I cannot read a post without almost peeing my pants. It's getting old.

    Love,
    The Woman Who Wishes She Had Half The Talent
    P.S. I feel slightly mollified to read that you also have a kid-booger-wall problem. Only slightly.

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  4. Aaagghh! I'm having nightmares about having to tell my two year old to put it away!

    You're hilarious. I wish I was you.

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  5. We suffer from that booger problem also. You just never picture yourself as a mother saying, "I don't know who is rubbing their boogers on the wall, but you better not let me catch you." I am so fed up with it. Once those things dry, you just can't get them off without ruining the paint. What does Martha Stewart do about the boogers on her walls?

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  6. You are sooo dang funny! I do feel kind of sorry for the doggy though. Poor doggy. Otherwise, I feel sorry for you, boogers??? ewww!

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  7. Your kids and dog are so lucky to have someone who can laugh about their atrocities. Your letters were wonderfully funny.

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  8. i laughed my way through this post.

    we moved house recently. when i was tidying up my daughter's room, and finally got it to just-bed-and-dressers stage, what did i get to scrub off? eeeeeewwwww! why did she do that!!!!! i almost went up to the school & dragged her home to make her help me clean it up, but that would have been me crossing over into my mother. didn't want that. plus, she needs the math.
    so
    many
    boooogers.

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  9. Holy cow, that was hilarious. You had me laughing out loud. Just one thing to say "AMEN"!!!

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  10. Wonderful.

    And I have a memory of being a child using rubbing alcohol to clean the wall next to my bed. Not that I admit to anything.

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  11. Funniest. Post. Ever.

    Seriously.

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  12. The wall by the kids bed....yuck...I just cleaned as we recently moved. It was awful and gross. They got a talkin' to...

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  13. Oh my goodness! I fell into your site via Sarah at Hollywood Flakes. She said you were hysterical and she was so right! It almost sounds like my house on a daily basis. Thanks for making me laugh.

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  14. Okay - I am on the floor laughin!!! These were so perfectly put and you need to copy each one, put them in an envelope and give them to each one of these children when they get to be a parent!!! I loved these letters and the signatures!! See ya.

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  15. You are so funny! Great, great stuff.

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  16. Oh yes. Times nine! Why do kids put boogers on the wall? To carry on a family tradition! Heritage is important. Not that you ever did.Oh no, not you. But you did have four brother and four sisters. So it couldn't have been you. Oh no.

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  17. Sue - I have a few family bulletins I'd like to send to various family members. If I email you the details, will you write them for me? Since they are all over 21, you can even use big words. :)

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  18. Oh my goodness, that was so, so, funny! I am still laughing as I type this comment. I could insert the name of my 3 year old in some of those letters.

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  19. HA HA!! My favorites are the booger one and handling it. TOO FUNNY!

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  20. (wiping tears from eyes) I'm also here via Sarah of Hollywood Flakes. My husband just asked why I was laughing so hard.

    But do any of them write you back?

    I remember writing back to my mom when she wrote me these sort of notes.

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  21. I laughed out loud at the line "I just threw up in my mouth a little." Thanks for the laugh - this was hilarious! (I'm going to check my daughter's bedroom wall tomorrow...)

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  22. So stinkin funny. You are.

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  23. I just found your blog (you must thank Sara for all her referals!) and I am already a fan. I laughed through this entire post. You are h i l a r i o u s !

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  24. This sounds a lot like the conversations I have with myself.

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  25. madhousewife10:18 PM

    I never find dried boogers on my walls. That's only because my kids eat them, but still, boogerless walls. I'll count my blessings.

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  26. plastering walls with boogers? hahahaha! and sick! weren't you just lamenting the fact that they're growing up too fast?? (haha!) Isn't it funny how quickly the motherhood pendulum can swing from "you're perfect and I want to pause time," to "ugh! would you all just grow up already?"
    you're so funny, sue. love your musings.

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  27. I have to say, your blog is a delight every time I read it! I actually spit out my water when I read your message to your 3-year-old. You definitely have a way with words!

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  28. Can I borrow your booger letter? My kids need to read that too! Sooo funny!

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  29. I once told a line full of preschool boys who were comparing the size of their penis to "Put those things away!"

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  30. Hee! That last one...I'm going to copy it and give it to my three-year-old. He is driving me insane and if I have to tell him one more time to remove his hands from his underwear, I do not know what I am going to do. I have been telling my sister-in-law (who is due in two months with a little boy) that she'd better just expect do deal with this, but I think she thinks my son is just a weirdo. I'm planning to laugh at her in a couple of years.

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  31. Ah yes, two things bring me back to 'their childhood'.

    1) the booger wall.

    I painted over it. The stuff was harder than the wall.

    2) The thing

    With three boys 'someone' was always holdin it, scratchin it or peeing someplace other than the toilet. I've said "you can let go of it, it won't fall off" more times than I can remember.

    Once all three of them, after a bath, scooted down the hall, twirling their peepee's, pretending to be helicopters.

    I miss those days. . sigh. . .

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  32. SO funny! You crack me up every time!
    My favorite was the backyard post! But they were all hilarious.

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  33. Oh, hon. I feel your pain and also - hilarious! I was laughing WITH you.

    I find myself saying to my will-be-six-tomorrow-year-old things like, DID YOU HEAR ME? What did you think I meant when I said DO NOT GO OUTSIDE?

    Kids. I swear.

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  34. We call it The Booger Shrine.

    This was seriously hysterical.

    And umm.....my house IS the farm that people send their retarded dogs to.

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  35. ROFL!!!!!!! So glad to know I'm not the only one with a child feeling the need to fortify the walls.... BLECK!

    You are hilarious. Thanks so much for the laugh today. My raging headache and I both needed a good laugh!

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  36. Oh my. Very, very funny. I especially love the signatures.

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  37. These notes are fantastic! Thanks so much for the laugh.

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  38. I think I love you.

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  39. Amy, I know, I have a huge blogger crush on her myself...sigh..

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  40. I'm going to not share this post with my husband because I want to get a dog and I don't want him to be aware of the dark side of dog ownership. It's all cute puppy kisses and dog luv, honey!

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  41. Nicole8:30 PM

    thank you, thank you, thank you!

    i've been so upset by the kids-boogers-wall thing! especially since the 6 yo is the main culprit! we've tried everything. EV-ER-Y-THING. i'm so, so happy to see i'm not alone in this world (though i'm seriously beginning to fear that you might be me in an alternate universe--only funnier and cooler)

    thanks for the laugh!

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  42. I haven't had a good belly laugh like that in a very long time. Excellent!

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  43. your nephew also has a problem "handling it." that cracked me up, btw. any time he goes to reach into a bag of chips or touch anything I know I will have to touch, I yell GO WASH YOUR HANDS, I KNOW WHERE THEY HAVE BEEN!! They are so grody.

    Remember one of Mark's favorite childhood memories, whiping boogers on the wall? Must run in the fam.

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  44. O.k..You bring my kids and dog back right now...
    oh.
    really?
    they really are yours?
    carry on.

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  45. oh my. thank you. that was awesome.

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  46. I wonder if my mom ever found my booger wall? I've assumed not because it wasn't actually a wall, it was the underside of my bed rail, but maybe I wasn't as clever as I thought. Gawd. Did I actually DO that? Surely not. hehe

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  47. stop it.

    i can't handle it.

    i just wonder if your kids think you are as funny. i do!

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  48. This is your best blog ever (minus the throwing up in you mouth part - that was gross)... gees Sue... or are you going to change your name too? Lets come up with a new name for you... by the way it would've been fun to hear you say all that stuff to Jack Bauer, but Carter will do;)

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  49. Thanks for making me laugh...had a heart-breaking day today... just blogged it...sigh..

    so thanks...at least I have a little destress.

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  50. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

    I'm already having the backyard drama begin. Good to know it won't be getting better anytime soon.

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  51. I'm on a damn conference call woman. Can't you be a bit less snort-worthy? This one? Worth at least 17 stars.

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  52. You had me at puppy coat. Bwahaha!

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  53. Sue! I need your email address so I can answer your comments. For the love of convenience - please! =P

    The SPD thing is a joke, but thanks for caring enough to make certain. I tend to have little mental conversations with myself which I sometimes recount for the amusement of my readers. The first ever involved me talking me out of eating a stale, ughy old brownie.

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  54. Too freakin' funny!!! I had no idea kids wiped boogers on the wall. When we were kids we would roll them up and flick them in the floor....ewww now I don't know which is worse...scraping one off the wall or stepping on one....HAHAHAHAHAA

    Oh and the boober thing...that's what my son calls it....ughhh...I told him to stop it one day and my husband said "why? It's his." Ughhh ....Thats just gross.
    You don't see me....oh nevermind. :))

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  55. Okay, so you've had one hell of a day...

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  56. I just stumbled on your blog and laughed my head off at this post. Too funny!

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  57. This was a GOOD ONE!!! Holy cow. Have you thought of doing stand-up?

    And why, why why don't kids do the roll and flick? You should teach them so they stop wiping your walls.

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  58. I found you via Jen on the Edge. Have to tell you I loved the family bulletin 151, and my 8 year old did too, though she thought it applied to her 4 year old brother, and I am not so sure.

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  59. That was heeee-larious! Loved the puppy coat, and 'fortifying the wall with boogers', lol!

    You're one funny girl!

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  60. Oh my gosh! I have tears rolling down my cheeks! Your letter about the boogers could be written about my two oldest sons. Deeeesgusting!

    Tell Abby that your official title is "Fun-Sucker."

    Oh--and thanks for the comment on my blog. I'm glad you enjoyed the stiletto story. ;-)

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  61. see, I followed the link from FMH this morning and it just proves the point- you really are talented and entertaining. :)

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  62. Yesterday I read teh ghetto pinata to my husband (because he needs to know why I am laughing uncontrollably at my screen), so he now knows who Carter is. Today I read him this one, and he laughed and then when we got to the one about Carter he said "is that the same Carter as yesterday?" I told him it was and he nodded (for me to continue) and then shook his head and laughed some more. So let Carter knwo that he is now a household name on some weird chick's house in CA.

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  63. Hilarious! Thanks for adding this to Make Me Laugh Monday!!

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  64. OMG! This is my first time "visiting" you and this post alone warrants a spot on my blog roll!

    PS - Will you PLEASE write some letters to MY children!

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  65. awesome. hilarous. LOVE it.

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  66. Yeah, you ought to know it's not only a boy thing. I have to tell my 3 yo to get her hands out of her pants way too often!

    And I actually told my mom my 20 mo stared at me balefully.

    It wasn't as funny at my house though!

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