Tuesday, June 23, 2009

In Which I Attempt To Thank People For Throwing Me A Baby Shower, But Mostly End Up Rambling a Lot

Pin It My seven year old, who I call Sarah on the blog (but who is not really named Sarah, so it seems silly to keep calling her Sarah, because what am I - Pioneer Woman, that I should be important enough to have stalkers? Please. And yet the completely paranoid part of my brain is convinced that if I were to utter her Actual Name dangerous predators would descend from the blogging sky, search the town for children with a similar name and spirit her away to the Land of Stolen Blog Children - so I guess I shouldn't tempt fate and should just continue to call her Sarah), has to have surgery next week.

I would tell you all about it except that Sarah is a little embarrassed about the whole thing, and would rather that I not go around spouting her diagnosis all over my blog. (I'm feeling a little guilty now for my semi-hysterical and very specific Facebook updates, except that I know she will thank me when people drop by afterwards with things made out of chocolate (which I'm assuming they will, because seriously, what is the point of even HAVING surgery if it doesn't result in chocolate)). (For the mother.) So I won't get into the details of the surgery, but I'll tell you that she'll be in the hospital for a few days, a problem will be fixed, and her surgeons are excellent. The surgery is invasive but relatively safe, so I've decided to pretend she's getting her tonsils out or maybe having some hair implants, something fairly benign like that.

(In other words, I forbid anyone from expressing the words "I'm sorry," "I'll pray for you," or anything else that sounds even vaguely compassionate in the comments, because a) people who are going to be FINE, JUST FINE, TOTALLY FINE, don't need compassion and b) concerned comments would imply that there is cause for concern, and there isn't, no there ISN'T - LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU.)

(However, comments like "SUE - your pet monkey is ADORABLE" would be very much appreciated, per usual.)

(This is Sarah taking a pre-surgery class at Primary Children's hospital - a class designed to help the kids work through their fears about what will happen on surgery day.)

Sarah is imaginative and smart, and the combo means that she is an expert worst-medical-case-scenario brewer-upper (she probably gets this from her father). She packed a bag for the hospital the other day, and when she solemnly showed me the carefully packed suitcase with her favorite chapter books and favorite stuffed animal and a note she wanted me to give her little sister on surgery day my heart went crackety-crack. My poor sweet, sensitive little girl. Oh how much I love her.

The baby is still in my stomach, cooking away. I know this because he kicks the living hell out of me all night long. Last night I don't know what was going on in there - soccer drills or something - but I stopped being amused after about fifty-seven straight minutes of it.

On Saturday morning some neighborhood friends threw me a mostly-surprise baby shower. I say mostly-surprise because one of the women in my neighborhood dropped off a gift for me about a week ago, with a note that said, "sorry I couldn't make the shower," which was my cue to badger the living daylights out of my husband - who was throwing it? when was it? where was it? would he warn me in advance so I could get my roots done ? who was throwing it again? - but he wouldn't crack.

I was so touched by the shower. Not just that someone threw one for me, or because I was grateful for the stuff - but the who/what/when/where/why of it all. Throwing a shower for someone is like publicly declaring your friendship for someone, like publicly saying, "OK, yes, I admit to being her friend." That's sort of awesome, especially if you really adore the people who threw you the shower. (And now the women who threw the shower are thinking, oh, CRAP, I didn't realize THAT was what it meant. I just wanted her to get some stuff. HA-HA-HA - sorry girls, IT IS TOO LATE, THERE IS NO RETURNING FROM THIS.)

This neighborhood is FULL of women I really like - including many who I really want to get to know better, but never quite get around to getting to know - partly because we are all busy, and partly because I am a dork.

Sometimes we'll have a girls night out or I'll be at book club and I'll end up sitting by someone who I know casually but not very well, and I end up thinking I LOVE HER, and I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW HER BETTER but then I do absolutely nothing about it, mostly because I have no idea what to do. I'm horrible on the phone, the most awkward dork in the universe, and the idea of making a phone call without having a SPECIFIC PURPOSE for making the phone call absolutely horrifies me.

(I can't imagine what people say when they call people for no reason - just to chat. How do you do that? What do you say? Do you make up a reason? I suppose if I answered the phone once in a while I would have a better idea of how that works.)

/End Tangent

Oh. Wait.

I have to say something about book club. I've been in a book club for the last four years and I love the other women in the group. We talk about books, we talk about life, we eat, we talk about books and life some more. The women in the group are wonderful, and every single time I leave book club thinking, OH MY GOSH, I LOVE HER (but I end up thinking it about twelve women at once, which is fairly overwhelming).

I have to remind myself before it starts not to talk too much, because I tend to get all overly excited and blurty and almost anxious. Sometimes I write little reminder notes on my hands, things like "don't talk so much," and "it is rude to interrupt people even if you are excited about what they are saying." (That one is long - I have to write that one on my arm or stomach.) (Although frankly, writing it on my stomach makes it more of a problem as far as reminders go, what with it not being visible).

Anyway, between book club and girls night out and the outlawed-by-our-bishop bunko group (long, strange story), there is a circle of women who I interact with more frequently, who I admire and respect and enjoy, but I STILL don't call them on a regular basis, other than to arrange for my kids to play with their kids. Sometimes if we're already on the phone I'll get really brave and ask a question about something non-kid related and we'll end up talking.

I'll get off the phone on this post-phone-talking high because I ACTUALLY TALKED ON THE PHONE, and then I eventually realize the other woman was trying ever-so-graciously to get off the phone for at least the last ten minutes, and I did not notice because I do not speak ever-so-gracious and because I kept having to tell her one more thing, and one more thing, and oh, wait, ONE MORE THING, and then I feel like a moron and swear off the phone FOREVER. Again.

/End Tangent
On Saturday night I went out and bought thank you cards and a little thank you gift for the women who organized the shower and carefully filled out the cards, but I still haven't delivered them. I don't want them thinking I'm some kind of overly eager dork who was counting the minutes until she could express her (possibly inappropriate amount of) gratitude, but rather a cool, cool cucumber of a normal-type friend who was just the right amount of socially acceptable grateful without being a total freak about it.

(Except one of them reads my blog, so the jig is probably up anyway.)

(So maybe I should just go deliver those cards.)

(Yeah, I'm leaving now.)


  1. bless your little sarah, who's name I know in real life and have no plans to abduct...

    I'm just glad you're all still alive and that baby hasn't clawed or soccer kicked it's way out yet. Can we get together before 'tis time?

    Also, I would like a surgery update via email please. Because I'm nosy.

    Double also, I will email you instead.


  2. OK here's to pretending surgery is like picking your nose... (wait, WAIT,hear me OUT) Relatively painless, messy while it's happening, yet when it's over nobody is the wiser.

    As far as showers, how cool is that?!

  3. SUE - your pet monkey is ADORABLE

  4. You have some awesome friends. I will pray for you.

  5. My needy friends are my favourite 'cause they make me feel special and important and stuff. Need away, Sue.

    I think you already know how similar we are on this one. I've given up making small talk on the phone and instead invite people over for playdates. Some are mildly horrific, of course, but they're more than compensated for by the ones that turn out pretty much idyllic.

    Still. While I'm making progress, I totally feel your pain.

    Although, I want to INFLICT pain on the woman who has called literally 17 times today without leaving a message. I'm not answering the phone! Clue in!

  6. Sue, it's okay to be the needy friend.

    No, I'm kidding. It's never okay to be the needy friend (unless you actually have a need, like maybe chocolate or something, then it's okay to call your friend and say, "I NEED CHOCOLATE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PANTRY?). But somehow I don't really think you are the needy friend.

  7. Oh my word, Sue. You are so awesome and funny. I hope this doesn't come off as creepy- but reading your blogs is like reading my journal. If I wrote in a journal. And if I were funny. And smart. LOL

    BTW- You're pet monkey is ADORABLE!!

  8. I've actually called someone I don't ever call and asked her if she had a cupcake in her house (because I was craving a cupcake and I remembered that she had some a few days earlier from a neighborhood thing she hosted at her house). That neighbor responded on the phone with "yes, I do have a cupcake" and "um... o...k..."

    I then walked to her house, picked up the cupcake and said thank you and goodbye. Looking back on it, that was a little weird even for me. I must have REALLY wanted a cupcake.

  9. She's beautiful, Sue. So, beautiful.

    And how come I'm not getting your FB updates? We're friends and everything! I mean on FaceBook we're friend. Because if we lived right next door to each other, we'd just walk around all the time thinking, "I LOVE HER!" and never getting over our shyness enough to talk. (Seriously, I think that's why God gave me Jane--because she's the ambassador to the world and she's making all my friends for me.)

  10. I recently found all of the thank you notes from my last baby shower which occurred three years ago. It was a low moment, especially when I read the one to the friend who gave me thank you notes as a present.

    Your Sarah is not just adorable: she is GORGEOUS!

    If I was one of your neighborhood friends and we were talking on the phone, you'd know when I had to get off. I'd just tell you I really, really need to use the bathroom. I don't speak oh-so-gracious either.

    Glad you had a happy surprise!

  11. You are so funny Sue! I really needed a laugh today!

    Your "Sarah" is beautiful! I love those classes at PCH. My son had several MRI's at PCH and they came and spent some time with him so he wouldn't be afraid. It really helped.

    Good Luck in all your many adventures upcoming. Soon you won't be kicked from inside...

  12. I've missed your posts...

  13. Me, thinking about Sue: "I LOVE HER, and I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW HER BETTER."

    Don't let this frighten you, because I too am a whimp and chances are very good I will never act on this desire.

    My children have had surgery on two different occasions and no matter how "standard" they claim the procedures are, it's normal to feel anxious about it, which you obviously are NOT. No way.

  14. Sue if you want we can join a dork club together, because I am a dork (My older sister still tells me this frequently, and then she copies me so she must like being a dork too).

    I too meet all these amazing women, but I'm bad about calling and hanging out or what ever it is women do.

    That is awesome that you had such a good shower. baby shower that is.

  15. Missed you. And your pet monkey.

  16. What an absolutely ADORABLE pet monkey!

    (Been checking on you every day.)

    P.S. My 11 yo daughter has uncovered two of PW's punks' names. Wanna know?

  17. I don't know you, but I love you all the same. Your blog makes my day!

  18. Always happy to see a post from you. Your daughter is adorable and will sail through her surgery. And your thank-you notes will be just the right amount of grateful. I'm sure of it.


  19. I smiled when I saw you had a new post up. Two of my children have had surgery--one was quite serious. It's so much harder when it's one of them--instead of you. But you're right--all will be fine. And since I've already been praying for you, there's no need to tell you I'll pray for you. Congrats on the shower! Presents are always good!

  20. So, I guess my invitation to the shower got lost in the mail.

    Let someone worry about that for a minute.

  21. Keep blogging. I miss your posts.

  22. I am one of those who always leaves an event just knowing I blew it somehow and that I talked to much and laughed too loud and interrupted everyone and I'm probably right--but people seem to like me well enough, anyhow. They are probably going home thinking they blew it somehow, too. I am sure your friends adore you to death.

  23. Eeeee! The MONKEY! So very, very DARLING!

  24. Well, I´ve been through three surgeries with my oldest and they are never fun, no matter how simple the procedure, but you're right, it will be fine! Not that this alleviates the mother worry . . . I recommend bringing a good book with you to keep yourself occupied.

    Incidentally, the last time my son was in the hospital, I was 8 months pregnant with the next one. In case you cared. ;)

    Also, I´m another person who refuses to have anything to do with the world and then ends up talking too much when I do. As you can probably tell from my comment.

  25. SUE - your pet monkey is ADORABLE.

    p.s. I will pray that your friends bring you lots and lots of chocolate ...

  26. Poor Sarah Not Her Name. Poor, in that she's worrying about something as standard as a hair transplant. Those things are SO easy. She'll be totally fine. And with even MORE lovely locks at the end of it! (Remind me to stalk you on fb more often, because I completely forgot.) I'd send chocolate, but it would melt.

    If it helps, I love/hate it when people hand out the thank you notes immediately after the shower (well, a day or two after anyway; IMMEDIATELY afterwards would be creepy). I love it because I think they're awesome for actually getting all that out of the way since I hate writing notes--writing in general, actually--and I think they're so cool for actually doing it and thinking of me in return. And then I hate them for it because they make me look bad since it takes me a whole month to get similar notes out to kind people who give me free stuff. So then I feel like a jerk. But I'm still impressed with them.

  27. It feels like Christmas because

    1) Not only did you AND *Mary* both post BUT

    2) You both mentioned monkeys, which

    3) Makes me very happy.

    I hate the phone, too. I kind of feel the same way about bloggy get togethers but I go (when I can--once a year if the stars align?) because I always think, "It's POSSIBLE that at some point my brain will kick in and my mouth will engage," which is generally more like a fond hope.

    And I do the exact same thing at Book Club. It is dangerous for me to get involved with a book discussion. I once had a professor call me at home and ask me to not "contribute" so much in class. A true and horrifying story. I've been scarred ever since.

  28. Anonymous9:20 AM

    My son Abel had surgery when he was about 3, and he was totally fine by the afternoon. I spent the rest of the day trying to keep him quiet because he wanted to zoom everywhere. Honestly, it took me 3 times longer to recover from the trauma of having my baby undergo surgery than it did for him to recover from the actual surgery.

    And "Sarah" is adorable! What a gorgeous child!

    And how fun to hear from you! You know what you could do? You could call one of the women you LOVE, on the phone, and say, "Hi. Let's get our kids together and you and I have coffee at the same time." Simple, no? Although I believe you exaggerate on your blog, which is one of the many reasons I'm such a faithful reader!

  29. So I have a daughter named Sarah and she and she-who-is-blog-Sarah are the two CUTEST little SarahDees ev-er. Doncha wish you could drink a little while waiting for the hair plugs? Honestly. A stewardess-type in the waiting room, serving beverages. I'm just sayin'.

  30. I just wanted to chime in on the whole "uncomfortably talking on the phone" thing. Just like when you try to have a conversation via email or IM'ing, there is so much uncertainty about what the other person will think about what you are saying. At least in person you can see the face they are making.

  31. i loved this post and i miss the frequency of the old posts!

  32. Glad that you are posting happy silly posts again.

    Good friends are worth holding onto.

    No doubt, Sarah will be great, hair implants are no big deal :)

  33. Anonymous12:39 PM

    When I first read your phone phobia post (the one in your archives,) I thought I would think "That's totally me!" but by the end of the post I had to admit that I'm not quite as phobic as you are (I guess having been a full-time missionary and having had some other phone-call-related callings knocked some of it out of me,) but your relationship to the phone that you describe here I totally, completely relate to -- both the wondering how people just call people up for no reason (I do that with my mom and sometimes sisters, but never with anyone who's not a blood relative) as well as to making or receiving a call when there's a specific reason and then afterwards feeling both thrilled to have talked on the phone for so long and had such an interesting (to me) conversation, and also mortified that they probably now think they can't call me about any little thing without being held phone hostage for an hour. Sigh.

    I'll be sure to pray for a completely uncomplicated surgery for your pet monkey, I mean for "Sarah." In fact I'll do it right now. (I belong to a sewing forum where there are a lot of prayer requests, so to keep myself honest I've gotten in the habit of, when I tell someone I'll pray for them or for their pet monkey, doing it before I even close the computer window. Because I'm nothing if not efficient and practical about my spirituality.) (Whatever that means.)

  34. How did I miss this post?! And when do I get to see the movie "Return to the Land of the Stolen Blog Children"? And do their mothers know they are missing? Or are they (the mothers) too busy posting cute pictures of their children to realize that they are gone?

    Hey - I just realized I haven't seen a couple of my kids in a while....

  35. Can I please have your address? And not so I can abduct Pseudo-Sarah, but so I can move into your neighborhood? I live with a meth house on one side and child molester on the other side (at least that's what I imagine my unfriendly old bachelor neighbors to be since they never talk to me to tell me otherwise). And that is in Utah County! I need some fabulous women in my life!

  36. She IS going to be fine very fine, and I know that for sure because I happen to work in the operating room at primary children's. Also because I happen to work in the operating room at primary children's I thought I'd see if there was anything I can do for you, because it's about time this blogging thing got you something and knowing somone on the inside (so to speak) should definitely get you something. So hey, can I help? I do know where th Oreos are kept...
    And that is one great looking monkey.

  37. Anonymous3:06 PM

    Sue - your pet monkey is ADORABLE. Oh, and Not-Sarah is freakin' BEAUTIFUL. Wow. I bet her dad is NOT looking forward to the dating years! Ha!

    And YAY! for the baby shower! That's so cool. I'm impressed your husband didn't give it away, though I think I would have beaten him over the head for the info. I HATE surprises. A lot. The way you feel about the phone is the way I feel about surprises.

    Um. I'm rambling now. But it's just because I'm SO EXCITED when you post! :D


  38. Your pet monkey is almost as cute as your daughter who is not named Sarah.

    I do the exact same thing at book group. I get all dorky and talk and talk and interupt. Then I go home and lie awake all night thinking about all of the stupid stuff I said.

  39. Gravy, I love you.

  40. I agree your daughter is beautiful! I can't wait to see pictures of your presents!! :)

  41. First, your monkey annoys the heck outta me. Stupid monkey.

    Second, I have been praying for your kid. But not THAT kid, cuz there's no reason - surgery is just a complicated toenail-clipping. I've been praying for the one who's still gestating. Glad to hear all is still well.

    Third, who would not want you for a friend? You could only be more entertaining if you came with your own popcorn. Or possibly malted milk balls.

  42. I don't have any kids. I have two cats. And on my blog? I refer to my cats by fake names. You are not alone in Paranoiaville.

    And your daughter is adorable. :)

  43. I love enemas, they are so awesomely uncomfortable. And going 12 hours without food or drink, that rocks too.

    You do realize that this was like three or four good posts in one, right? You could technically do this everyday if you wanted...just saying.

    And now people will think that I love you. Crap.

  44. I love you! (in a non-creepy-non-stalker-kind-of-way!) I could've written this post (if I was a good writer, but I'm not) It sounds like my life. I went out with a bunch of girls recently, and kept thinking the whole time "I hope they like me. I hope they don't think I'm a dork." Kinda sucks to be in your 30's and still have these dumb thoughts.

  45. Hospital gift shops ROCK. I'll just leave it at that.

    I, too have to remind myself when I get together with girlfriends not to talk too much. And especially not to interupt even if I have a really great thing to say that would totally back up what someone else was saying. And that not everyone thinks I am as cool as I do and they probably don't want to hear my lame-o comment anyway.

    So what I'm trying to say is I understand and empathize.

    I'm done now.

  46. Monkey? What monkey? Did I miss something?

    When my daughter had surgery, I scrapbooked the photos of the body parts. Don't think she's ever quite forgiven me for that one.

  47. I hope you delivered those cards, because I write them all and NEVER deliver them. Ever. Primary Children's is our home away from home for one of our boys and I can tell you that you will all survive. Don't worry. It's so cute how she wrote that note and everything. "Sarah" is adorable! Loved your tangents.

  48. You mean people actually talk on the phone? :P I much prefer email or mind waves. Love your blog and the monkey! Only one suggestion (request? demand?) - write more often! :)

  49. A while back we had a "Fifth Sunday" combined meeting. During the course of the lesson, someone (a GUY) made the comment that Bunko was like gambling and shouldn't be allowed...and a frosty chill descended. Heheheheh

    This is where I'd ask for your address (or an approved drop location) so I could bring some chocolate goodness over...but I'm too much of a dork myself, so I'll just image the fantastic things I would have made and, of course, you would love and then we'd become best buddies...

    And I'll stop talking now.

  50. I love baby showers but I hate real showers. I never sent out any thank-you's for my wedding. I'm a big loser and embarrassed about it 12 years later and I'm not even married to that guy anymore.

    And pretty soon that little angel will be kicking your a** on the outside. So you've got that to look forward to!

    I really think you should try texting. It's so much less intimidating. And if the person you're texting (or you) is busy or whatever...they (or you) just get back to you later. Very nice.

  51. You are VERY funny. I want to be your friend. ;-)

    I think I'll stop calling my kids by their real names now on my blog. I can feel the panic starting.

    We have plenty of experience with kids' surgeries in our family. I'm always impressed with how resilient kids are - they are just fine after (and sometimes, before) the surgery. My youngest, when he was about 2, was having surgery. They gave him what we called "silly juice" - some medicine that made him really loopy and act very funny (I guess to distract him). I remember watching him as he kept trying to stand up and kept falling down in the bed. He giggled his little head off. It's one of my favorite memories of him. It was hilarious. Things will go just great, of course - take lots of pictures and spoil "Sarah".

  52. i ♥ sue.

    i ♥ your pet monkey.

  53. Anonymous2:43 PM

    Sarah will be fine. Bri had her tonsils out at 4 and was bouncing off the walls WITH PAINKILLERS. And we didn't get a class, just a coloring book to read to Bri to explain what was going on. Do you know how hard it is to keep a 4 year old quiet?
    I'd send brownies, but I'm not close enought to you to insure the post office will not eat them on their way.

  54. I'm so that way about phone calls and talking to adult women in real life. Arg ... huge dork.

  55. I stumbled upon your blog and love it. You know, sometimes one gets sick of the cute blogs.
    Good to know there are other mothers like myself.
    Unfortunately, my blog is private. Hope you don't think that's impolite.
    Love the pet.

  56. Our Bishop outlawed the "church sanctioned" book club because we read "Twilight". Vampires are nto spiritual, you know.

    Haven't even tried to do Bunko yet. I think he'd have a heart attack.

  57. Your daughter is beautiful!

  58. Hmmm. That was a little bit like standing in a high wind. Understand that i like standing in a high wind. Okay, first: my worst medical thing ever was when my four year old oldest daughter actually had appendicitis and had to be - not exactly rushed, but almost - to the hospital for surgery. Very late at night. Me, in the almost dark lobby, sitting alone after everybody else left. Praying and weaving my fingers into a mat.

    It turned out fine. In fact, the doctor came out after and told me that she'd gone under the anesthetic singing this song from the Christmas pageant we were rehearsing for the ward - and angel song - GLORY, GLORY, Glory, glor - zzzzzzzz.

    So it turned out okay. But it's nice, ever so awful often, to be reminded how much your kids mean to you.

    I'm having a (the shame) varicose vein destroyed on Thursday, myself. I'm terrified. All they give you is valium and Ibuprofen. I've taken Ibuprofen. It never helps. But I guess now I'm going to know what the big deal is about valium. I hope.

    As to the rest - as usual, you have made me laugh, which means I will some day stand before the bar of God and tell him over and over how, in so many minute snatches, you helped save my life - -

  59. My husband had three - 3! - surgeries when he was a kid, and know what he remembers right now? GETTING TO DRINK ORANGE POP IN THE HOSPITAL.

    She'll be fine. FINE. Also, she is a cutie.

  60. So fabulous that kids get to go to classes to learn about surgery! Maybe we adults need classes such as these, as well. She'll have great hospital stories to tell her whole life. It's the "Up Side" to medical woes.

    I got pretty nervous just reading your tangents...have you tried meditating or something? Being that you're pregnant, alcohol - and lots of it - is not an option. Your husband must be one patient man - LOL.

    Best of luck with all of it!

  61. Monkey? What monkey? But hey, that giraffe is awfully stylish and adorable! ;)

  62. What a cute picture of kids in doctor's masks. They look like future addiction treatment counselors.

  63. Anonymous11:55 AM

    Okay, surgery? AH! I don't know what to say there except that I'm plenty empathetic at how fun that must not be for all involved. But I don't know the details.

    Next, I am the same way on the phone. I've gotten better over the years. But I have worked really hard to not monopolize the conversation on the phone or in a group setting because I'm so excitable. I've come a long way! Yay! Even my blog posts are getting shorter!


  64. Anonymous11:19 PM

    I'm sure your wise Bishop banned bunko because it is a game of chance. Just google it and see what comes up and read the history of the game. You can also read what Elder Oaks said about games of chance, even when no money is involved. We really should avoid even the appearance of evil. BTW your monkey is adorable....