Thursday, August 14, 2008

Here Is What I Hate About Being Fat

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1) In my head, I'm totally a blonde, blue eyed, 23 year old ingenue, and it always surprises me when I walk by a mirror, like, AAAAAACK! (That picture up there at the top of the blog where I look almost average sized? Outdated by about 25 pounds.) (It's been a stressful year, shut up.)

2) If you are me, which I am, you sometimes feel the need to make jokes about how fat you are, which is just a HORRIBLE thing to do to people. I mean, way to make everyone feel awkward. If they laugh, they're jerks, and if they don't laugh, then it's like they're acknowledging the truth of the statement. What are they supposed to say? "You're not fat?"

3) Yes. That is what you are supposed to say. Even if your friend is 350 pounds, if she says "I'm so fat," the correct response is a quick, automatic, "You're not fat," with a change of subject. Don't worry. You're not enabling her. The thing is - she already knows she's fat. CRAZY TALK, I know. And if you don't say anything, or if you say, "Here, let me give you the number for Jenny Craig," she will drive straight home and eat another gallon of Ben and Jerry's. And yes, I agree that true friends should be able to say anything to each other. Just - not that.

4) I don't appreciate it when my skinny friends give me dieting tips. If I bring the topic up, which I don't all that often, because HELLO, it's not like I need to call attention to it, they will sometimes (gingerly and in a loving way) try to give me weight loss advice. This is annoying because, HELLO again, I know how to lose weight. I've lost my entire body weight, twice (spread out over time, obviously - I'm not MAGIC). I've read every weight loss/healthy lifestyle book known to man. I know about lifestyle change. I know about exercise. I know about muscle mass. I know, I know, I know, I know. I KNOW! I just... ...really like to eat.

A Few of the Diets I've Been On: Weight Watchers, Body for Life, Atkins, the South Beach Diet, Carbohydrate Addicts Diet, the Rotation Diet, the Cabbage Soup diet, and the Diet Dr. Pepper-Fasting-Chewing Gum diet.

Once I talked to a doctor about it, and she actually said, "What you need to do is stop eating so much and exercise." And then on a little pad she wrote Eat less, exercise more.

I stared at her. "Holy mackerel. I have never heard this before. I think you may have just unlocked the door to weightloss for all mankind."

No, I didn't say that. Actually, I just muttered, "That's harder than it looks," which led to talking about my unhealthy obsession with food, which led to her prescribing me an ACTUAL diet drug - phentermine. It was AWESOME. I lost 40 pounds in eight weeks AND I barely ever had to sleep. I was so productive, I can't even tell you. My throat was hoarse from never shutting up, all day long. But eventually Dr. Jerkface made me go off of it, and I gradually gained it all back. (Big surprise.)

5) Highland doesn't have fat people, other than me. I'm SPECIAL. But I love all of my skinny friends, and I never judge them for being all fit and healthy and semi-obsessed with running triathalons. My heart is big. I do not discriminate against the fit. I love ALL sizes (even the 2s and 4s! See? I'm a giver!)

But it would be nice to have a fat friend. It's sometimes nice to have a friend who is fatter than you, so that you can feel like the skinny one. This is a politically incorrect but still true truth. I don't do this anymore (LIE), but when I was younger I cycled between normal and chubby on a regular basis, and if I was with a fat friend, I'd constantly assess our relative fatness, wondering "Do I look like that? Am I that fat? Is she fatter? Or am I fatter? Huh. I think she's fatter." And if my friend was fatter, I felt way more comfortable out in public, because, yeah, I might be fat, but at least I wasn't as fat as her. And then lightning would come down out of the sky and strike me dead, because MAN, that's awful.

But anyway. I feel gross. I've gotten to my gross set point, and I'm ready for a change. (Yes again.) (The folks over at the weight loss blog I started and promptly abandoned are all snickering at me, I know. But I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME.)

So - LIFESTYLE CHANGE, HERE I COME. WOOHOO. Yippee. I'm SO excited. or something.

And now I'm trying to figure out how to go about this, so what I'm wondering is - anyone ever eaten a tapeworm?

P.S. I'm KIDDING, don't send me gross pictures. BLECK.

P.P.S. Don't worry fat acceptance people, I'm not down on myself because of my weight. I know that I am STILL FABULOUS. I'm a basically happy person. My weight is not constantly on my mind (um, food however...). It only bothers me every third Tuesday, when my jeans refuse to zip up. I don't let my weight define me, blah blah blah. Whatever.


  1. New reader! I found your blog from a suggestion on Google Reader.

    I'll be your friend! I just have to say that, if I had your wit I could have written this exactly. I am too familiar with all those same thoughts and feelings. I remember when people stopped arguing with me when I said anything about being fat, and knowing that I must have surpassed the level I never thought I would.

    I'm ready for a change, too. I have exactly one year until my 10-year high school reunion, and while my husband thinks it's silly, I can't bear the thought of everyone thinking "She's gained weight" when they see me.

  2. I wish you the best. May your desire to feel better outweigh (pun intended) your desire to eat those brownies. I'm SO with you on this.

  3. Anonymous4:43 AM

    that number one? IVE BEEN THERE.

    have you read anything by Jen Lancaster? she is PEE YER PANTS FUNNY about the same damn thing.


  4. My son developed this same incredible weight loss trick: Eat less, exercise more. Gee, thanks. I, too, know all about it.

  5. I feel like we're spiritual twins, although I'm brunette. And, I'm sure, even more insecure.

    If you still need a pal, let me know.

  6. I read but I never comment. But I thoroughly love your writing!

    And, you could have been channeling the inner me while you were writing this post. Gosh, it felt so familiar.

    And right when I was getting serious about losing weight this spring (15 pounds, wahoo!) I up and got pregnant. Sheesh. We were trying, I just didn't think it would take so quickly.


    So, NEXT spring will have to be the time.

  7. A-freakin'-MEN, sister! My thoughts exactly!

  8. That's what I love about you, Sue! You say what the voice in my head is thinking, only you're funnier.
    Much much funnier!

  9. I decided to make a change today too...all in my jogging gear. But first lets read some blogs...
    I'm not getting out there today, am I?

  10. Anonymous6:32 AM

    Testify sister!

    Seriously, I understand every word of what you said. Except that part about being blonde and cute (I'm not blonde).

    #4 is the one that just kills me and makes me want to kill the person making the suggestion.

  11. Anonymous7:10 AM

    Hey, I did the diet pop and chewing gum diet, too! (Yeah, here in PA we say "pop" not "soda".) I'm currently on the "eat less, move more" diet--which means I'm trying to distract myself from food, then get so hungry I scarf down an entire Big Mac Meal and wish I had a 2nd burger. Good times. :)

    Whatever you do, don't buy the 6 week Body Makeover from TV! I just wrote a blog about that special treat. I hope you find the secret to weight loss, and share it with me!

  12. I'll be your fat friend! Oh Sue, I remeber "fight the fluffy"...happened right around the time that I said I MEAN IT, I'm losing weight!


    But this morning I saw photos of me from four years ago, after I lost 40 on Weight Watchers, I want ME back.

    Oh, and fall is coming, and the only clothes that fit me are shorts.


  13. Good luck to you. You look good from here...

  14. That uncomfortable "set point" has moved over the years. I'd be thrilled to be as "fat" as I was years ago. Thankfully, I have been "moving more" lately, but eating, no.
    Blessings to you. E

  15. I'll be your Fat friend. The reason I stay fat is so that other people can feel good about themselves...aren't I a good friend!!???

  16. It's like a public service, isn't it Lola? We're such humanitarians.

  17. Wait 10 years, when you get to be shocked at both the fat and the wrinkles...good times!

    Not to cheer you up or anything...

    And what was the name of that drug again?

  18. No, you're not fat.

    Love, your friend Kelly

  19. you have so many admirers and friends- do you have room for one more fat one?

    oh, and do you want to be outraged by skinny people a little bit? read this:

    yeah, i know...

  20. Oooooh! I know what you mean by having friends that are fatter than you. I have been on both sides of that relationship!

    I so need to do it too. I keep telling myself I am going to stay on track and then I don't and I think tomorrow I will and then I don't. Next thing I know a whole year has gone by. So it is time for a change! Good luck may you have the success you want!

  21. Oh, and I absolutely LOVE how skinny people who have been skinny their whole lives, even though they eat more brownies than me, offer weight loss advice! HELLO!! I was reading my mom's Redbook diet tips since I was what eight!! For my bloody baptism, I was thinking it would be better if we parked far away from the doors for the extra excercise, and it would be nice if we had some grocery bags to do curls with while we walked.. sigh.

    Oh, and brownies sound good right now...

  22. I think this is something we, as women, All struggle with at some point.
    I am with you on the eating thing. I am a bonafide chocoholic! Big time.
    I've decided one thing: I exercise, so I CAN eat whatever I want.
    (I've noticed that the older I get, and the more kids I have, the more I have to exercise)
    But, I've never been big (no pun intended) on being a skinny minny, anyway!

    I know you don't want advice, but I'm kind of passionate on the topic, so here you go.
    Find a buddy, and just go for a walk. It's all up (or downhill, whichever way you decide to go) from there!!

  23. Ok, so I will de-lurk ONCE more because hey, I am fat! Totally fatter than you could ever dream of in your fattiest fat dreams. And so. My point? Hey, come on down to Texas anytime and you will feel SO GREAT being around me. You will feel like Miss America on the float gently pitying the fat friend (me).

    And the worst most horrible part of being fat? The husband who keeps pushing and pushing for some of that weight to come off. So, it could be worse! :-( Or not. Whatever.

  24. About a year ago I was on a medication that made me totally ill--and skinny. People were saying how great it would be to take it. Yeah, and feel disgustingly sick all the time?

    But a year later, now that all the fat has come back AND MORE, I'm thinking the same thing.

    Been there. Good luck!

  25. It's a battle. I really love food - the way it tastes and smells and looks. I write about food some so that makes it more challenging.

    I hate to say it because who wants to hear this but a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for this Couch to 5K program wherein one starts out gradually (although their idea of gradually and mine are not all that close) and then after nine weeks you can jog 5 kilometers. It's a thought, is all I'm saying.

  26. I am new too!
    I also tried everything was guilty of #2 ALL THE TIME. are doing the right thing, lifestyle change was the only thing that worked! Kept 30+ lbs off for over a year now...
    Good luck! And the tapeworm, just don't! :-) ewww!

  27. It's funny that you posted this because I've promised myself that I'm going to start working out again on Monday.

    And my problem isn't that I don't like working out (well besides running - I HATE that!) but I love to eat! And I work from home so that doesn't help either.

    Hopefully I can loose a few pounds because I refuse to buy any more clothes!

  28. I used to have a fat friend. Then she got skinny, now I hate her. Not really, I love her to death, and she looks super. But I am jealous. She did that stomach stapling thingy.

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. I love to make skinny people uncomfortable by saying I'm fat. Then when they say, "You're not fat!" I look at them with an incredulous look and roll my eyes. Hee hee. I'm such a brat.

    You need to join my swimsuit challenge (on my blog). So far it's been pretty good incentive!

  31. Hee! I'll be up in your neck'o the' woods on friday morning to take advantage of my sister's babysitting so's I can shop Costco solo. I am totally fatter than you, not even counting the fact that I'm pregs. If you want to hang out with me I will not mind being the fat friend.

    Erm... I usually am anyway.

    Wow. This comment sound kinda stalkerish.

  32. Sue, I will be your friend...for life. Not like that finiky diet for life. They just don't roll like that. I, on the other hand, do roll. Literally. Me=RolliePollieOllie. Yesiree!

    But we fat girls do have to unite. It is a hard, fierce, mean world out there.

  33. good luck with it!! I've spent the last month and a half getting up at 6am to exercise and watching what I eat and am down 9lbs so far. HOWEVER, I've had some freaky weird asthma issues the last two weeks and haven't really been able to work out, and then due to a few random weird circumstances, we ended up with chocolate chip cookies and ruffly potato chips in the house and I spent two days stuffing my face and enjoying the hell out of myself. And gained back four of the nine pounds. IN TWO DAYS! And so I understand the food thing. I'd denied myself that stuff all those weeks and then couldn't resist when they were just sitting there. calling my name...

    gotta go, I think I'd better start pacing the house to lose the last two of the regained four pounds.

    I can do this! and so can you!

  34. I am currently way skinny thanks to a diet of salami. I invented this diet, it's a mix between Atkins, Southbeach, and I Hate Green Things. If you like salami you should give it a try. Wicked breath, tiny butt.

  35. I too have been having some fatness issues and some uncertainty-about-life issues lately (I posted all about it on my weight loss blog in which I had a revelation):

    Hold on, I'm going to blow your mind....hunger feels a lot like uncertainty.

    I know what you're thinking: Duh! I know why I'm overeating....

    But seriously, if you just recognize the difference and stop trying to bury the uncertainty with food and embrace the icy fingers of uncertainty creeping over your shoulders and up the back of your neck, and the vomit snake curling in the pit of your stomach....

    Where do you get a tapeworm?

  36. I totally agree about the Highland/Utah thing. I was feeling great about my weight in Indiana, and the first time I drove down the streets of Provo, I wanted to cry. Since when did all anorexics move to MY CITY? Now I'm the fatty. And food is SO tasty...

  37. Anonymous10:24 AM

    HEY EXERCISE TWIN! You, my friend, have a LOT of readers who follow your links. Because I'm getting some wicked-crazy traffic at my sad little site. Thanks for the link. We can be mutual stalkers, which is almost live lovers, except we're not gay.

    As for your post today, I'm feeling that. I am soooooo still a size 6 in my head. But I'm like you, I have a sense of humor about it and I'm working on it. Mostly for vanity's sake, but still...

  38. Trublubyu - your right I want to deck her. :D That link ticks me off.... almost to cursing! (gasp!)

    I pretty happy at the weight I'm at... even though my 10 year class reunion is this weekend. I totally wanted to loose weight for it. But god had other plans. I got preggers early this summer then had a miscarriage about 2 weeks ago (I dont even have the excuse that I'm preggo anymore. Gah!) so yeah... that pretty much sucks away my "prep" time. grrr. Oh well. I appeased myself by going to Lane Bryant and getting myself a new totally cute outfit :)

  39. Diet Dr. Pepper-Fasting-Chewing Gum diet--sign me up. sounds like the best thing ever. No, seriously. Hi, my name is Jed and I am fat. It feels good to admit. I was so big forever and did not 'see' how big i was. I would make comments that 'I could use to lose 20- 30 lbs' WOW, Denial baby. Anyway, the eat less, exercize more actually works. I lost 13 inches around my waist and 95 lbs. Bad thing is you have to keep it up. lol heres to knowing it is a lifestyle change and not a diet!

    Good Luck!

  40. The only way I can stop myself from eating the bad (GOOD) stuff is to not but it. Which should work since I'm poor. Very limited spending. I think, "I'll ONLY by [ice cream, doritos, candy bars] when they're on sale. The problem comes when I DO find the sale, and stock up. It's for hubby, I tell my self. Riiiiight.

    And I've been walking 2 miles in the morning with a friend for about 6 weeks now. First time ever in my life I've had an exercise program. And I haven't noticed a bit of difference in my body. (We don't have a scale. Mostly because they cost money and I would rather buy ice cream.) And fall's coming and I DON'T want to have to buy new jeans AGAIN. (Still the money thing. And I REFUSE to keep getting bigger!!)

    I'm so sorry. I tend to leave comments that should be posts of their own. But I ♥ you, Sue. PLEASE let me know if you get together a contingent of Utah bloggers. Maybe we can go to like....Payson. Are they fat down there?

  41. Love that last bit. I actually have a hard time blogging about weight loss because I get all those comments telling me to love myself as I am.

    I don't want to love myself into staying an unhealthy binge eater who wheezes when climbing up the stairs, thank you very much.

    Part of me is scared to lose weight because I don't want to lose out on having fat friends, because fat people are seriously more fun than skinny people (sorry gals, it's mostly true), and I feel like I've already lost a friend or two throughout the losing 45 pounds thing (45 down, 50 or so to go).

    Confession? I lost the 45 pounds the first year after having Becca, but have spent the past year losing and gaining the same five pounds. For a whole year. But I still brag about having lost 45 pounds. I'm such a cheater.

    Can I be your fat friend?

  42. You've described it perfectly!

    I'm joining Mrs. G at Derfward Manor's 5k ass project to reneew my committment to exercising.

    Rough year here too--my sister and a good friend both died. I don't just get grief, I get 30 extra pounds. Which in the scheme of things is not the worst thing ever, but does need to be addressed.

  43. Anonymous11:18 AM

    That #1 you, too. Same goes for #2 and #3 and while I'm at it #4 and #5....was there a #6 and #7, cause that's me too.
    And I have 3 new words for you to look forward to...MEN-O- PAUSE!
    It's a battle everyday and this issue never ends! Ugh!
    So, on that cheery note, let me also tell you how much I've enjoyed your blog. You ARE funny!

  44. I fall more in love with your blog every day. Today is a special day for me and your blog. We've made a connection that can never be broken. Your blog understands me in ways that no one else does. I'm happy to be on the down swing these days, but still... that fat girl... she's hiding deep inside, just waiting for the next chocolate zinger to lure her out.

  45. I am a new reader . . . boy, am I glad I found you!
    You are HILARIOUS! I love you. . . not in a crazy stalker friendship way, ok, maybe a little stalking. But you are funny and I am soooo boring, I need you.

    I just posted my weight loss goals on my own blog. Big mistake right? But what do I say? ". . . uh, I take it back." I NEED junk food.

    I love this post! I can totally relate!

  46. Have I mentioned that I love you yet today?

    Great post! I am still laughing. Pick me to be your fat friend. I'll send you pictures and then you can photoshop them so that we're next to each other and you'll look SO skinny.

    LOVE the 'eat less, exercise more.' Glad she wrote it down. You wouldn't want to get it backwards or anything.

    Hey, do you think you'll be done by November 4th? Because I'm having a Toblerone give-away over at my blog.

  47. I live in Spanish Fork and THEY are very skinny here. :( Makes it tough for a mom of five who has a serious chocolate, cookie and general food addiction. :)

  48. (full disclosure: I haven't read the comments yet, so I apologize if I repeat)

    First of all, eat less, move more? SUCH crap advice. Weight loss is so much more complicated than that, it's all wrapped up in genetics and metabolism and psychology and basically how your body reacts to food. Which you know. Because you've read the books. But now I'm mad at your doctor.

    Second of all, you know where you tell us it's been a stressful year and to shut up? Well, that goes for you too, woman. Cut yourself some MAJOR slack here. It HAS been an incredibly stressful year. When things settle down, your eating habits will too.

    MY weight loss tip? It's... JUST KIDDING!! I wouldn't do that to you!!!

    Hope things settle down soon.

  49. You are so funny! You have a way of taking what is in my head and putting it down on paper in such a great way.

    I hear you though about weight loss. I have my WW weigh-in today and I think it's going to be a train wreck. I just was NOT into dieting this week. I wasn't eating hot fudge sundae's or anything, but I wasn't counting the points and eating the diet cheese 'n stuff like you're supposed to do.

    It's frustrating! I have made several of the lifestyle changes everyone is talking about and I'm just not getting the results. Oh well, I'll come and be your fat friend.

    Although I do have to disagree with you on the fat people in Utah comment. I came here from California and I love it here. I can ALWAYS find someone bigger than I am to stand next to. There are some seriously large people in this state - whew!

  50. so if i lived in utah i would totally be your fat friend. i am pregnant and an ogre on top of that. i've always been at least 5 inches taller than all of my friends... isn't that weird, i'm only 5'9". anyway i've always been bigger than everyone and really it doesn't bother me that much (hmm is that just denial?) after i have the baby and we were best friends, you know what we'd do? get skinny and show all those utah skinny folk what's up. but since we aren't best friends, let's just continue doing what we're doing (nothing)... sound good?

  51. Love the is she fatter? inner monologue. I so do that. Not about fat (why do I feel like I have to apologize for not being fat?) but about- well, everything else.

  52. I just ranted and raved about this last night on a radio show. It's OK to want to look "better" - it doesn't mean you have some kind of self esteem issues. Blah Blah Blah

  53. Anonymous1:26 PM

    I'm actually losing weight. I think it's because I found out that I'm diabetic and I'm not doing anything about it. My husband said I may lose more weight once they have to cut off my leg, to which I respond with, "why don't they just cut off my big, fat, ugly head, that would make me happy."

    Sometimes people come and tell me how good I'm looking and it's all can do not to say. "It's the cancer." But I don't because part of me is afraid that God, with his wacky sense of humor, would make it really happen.

  54. I could have written this. Well, not done it as well as you did, but this is what I would want it to sound like. Except I live in Houston, though it's the same problem. I am surrounded by people way smaller than I am. It sucks.

    My size 4 mother-in-law gives me diet tips. She's also the person that thinks a taco salad is healthy because it is, in fact, a salad.

    One time, I went to my doctor and told him I'm eating an average of 1400 calories a day (of good, whole foods, not the junk that I want to eat) and not losing weight. His response? "Can you go down to 1200?" I'm starving here! No I cannot go to 1200!

    Thank you for this post. It was awesome.

  55. What do you do when your husband who has always been at least 100 pounds more than you and the last year or so even heavier suddenly (thanks to a much needed Gastric Bypass)is only 35 pounds heavier than you? PANIC!!! I have done everything you have, the Atkins, Weight Watchers, Dr. Phil, the not eating diet...lost 100 pounds over the last year and so far, haven't gained it back...yes, we were both really fat as I still have at least another 60 to lose to get to my lowest weight that I can remember and that I have pictures of and dang I looked good. So, when you find the easy way to do it, please blog about it. I am all about simplicity, I don't have time to count points, read carb labels etc... and I don't have a body that likes exercise.

  56. Anonymous2:47 PM

    I just wanna come outta the lurking status to say I loved Adipex (phentermine). It is seriously the best thing EVER! To bad we cant take it forever.

  57. sue!
    isn't it all relative? I know you've seen the picts of holly and I- talk about being the fat friend. God does that, sends the skinniest girls he can to be my best friends- always has been that way. SUCKS! Oh well, I'll take a GOOD skinny friend over a heavy BAD friend. Hey Biggest Looser is coming on and for the first couple of episodes that should cheer you- does me.
    And stress totally = weight gain, don't be hard on yourself. Its hormonal, you can't help it. Im such an enabler.

  58. My favorite diet is the seafood diet. If I see food I eat it.

  59. Welcome to my chubby club. I gained 15 pounds last winter, putting me at from Heavier Than I'd Like To Be But Okay to Welcome To Fatsville, Population Me.
    We're starting South Beach on Monday. And we now have a Wii fit thing, so that should magically make me 125 pounds again. WHOO HOO! CANNOT WAIT!

  60. I will totally be your friend too!! I looked at your picture and girlfriend you are cute as a button!! I also agree with Lisa...go and get Jen Lancasters book "such a pretty fat" it will crack you up and make you look at things in a new light. You hang in there!! We will all be here to cheer you on and maybe you will coughmecough inspire someone I know really well to get her very well endowed self off the couch and get to walkin!!

  61. New reader here- so hello! Nice to meet you. Anyway... I will totally be your virtual fat friend. (I'd be your in person fat friend if I lived in Highland, but I don't... thank God - don't think I could handle all those healthy, triathalon happy people... would probably push me over the edge.) LOL My 6 y/o daughter just asked me this morning, "Does it make you mad that you're fat?" I lied to her face & said, "No. I love my body." Is my nose growing?

  62. I can love the 4s, but not the 2s. I have to draw the line somewhere. And people who are size zero shouldn't be allowed to strut around in public, being all triathalon-y.

    I recently embarked on the "Kelly-STOP-EATING-SO-D***-MUCH Diet." My mantra is: one brownie, not three. It is working, but not very quickly. Why are brownies soo tasty? Because they ARE, and I want THREE! No, FOUR! With ICE CREAM!

    Good luck to you!

  63. Grandaughter: Hi Grandma.
    Me: Hi darlin' of my life, sunshine of my soul.

    Grandaughter: You're my fat Grandma.
    Me: Wha?

    Grandaughter: YOU'RE MY FAT GRANDMA.
    Me: Oh. Um. Hmm. Um.

    Me: I love fat, don't you?

    Granddaughter: Yes, with a passion. It's my favorite.
    Me: Me too.

    OK. it didn't go quite like that, but in the area of my brain that knows about the fat, that's exactly how it went.

  64. Wanna know why I'm so late to this post?
    Cuz I'm FAT!! It took me all day to waddle over to the computer.

  65. Anonymous9:11 PM

    You forgot one diet, Sue. Remember those weird little tablets that substituted for all food? Green, pink, brown? A total rip-off.I never knew if you actually ate them or just pretended to. My favorite diet? The Chocolate Chip diet. I lived on it for years. I think it goes something like: No food, just semi-sweet chocolate chips as desired. It will give you low triglycerides and make you feel very happy so you don't kill your children.

  66. Ugh, those were NASTY. They weren't pills though, they were WAFERS. Chalky wafers covered with this sickly sweet maalox tasting coating. I did eat them. And then I'd throw up because they were gross. So it was like, double the weight loss.

  67. Fluffychick wins.

    I have a hard time doing both diet AND exercise. I can do one, but just one, completely hardcore. Diet? Yes. Exercise? Yes. Together? No.


    And I will not offer to be your exercise friend because we wouldn't do a darn thing if we got together.

  68. I was thinking about blogging about my "fatness" and my need to diet. It was all in hopes that airing it would cause me to feel responsible and actually DO SOMETHING this time. I can't even bring myself to blog about it because I love food to much and I hate to commit to change, even to myself.

    My greatest success also came from Phentermine where I lost 35 pounds! That stuff was the bomb huh? I want it back!

    Good luck with your goals & maybe reading about yours will motivate me to put down the Ding Dong & get off the couch:)

  69. Amen sister! I have had many conversations wondering why tapeworms were really all that bad. I see it as more of a symbiotic relationship than a parasitic one. Then again, I haven't fully researched it.

    Oh, and I'd bet you (and I rarely bet) that I could be a fat friend. Really. You would feel so good!

    But, good luck on your quest. I've been just about ready to start being healthy for the last year. I'm convinced it will all start tomorrow.

  70. You are fantastic. You are me, just cuter, funnier, and thinner. I could be your fat friend. :) I have told my family a million times...there is a skinny girl just begging to get out inside of me, but I'm like, "Shut up! I like food!" I just started Weight watchers like 2 weeks ago and have lost about 8 or 9 lbs. but I have a LONG LONG way to go, but at least I lost a few pounds. My 10 year reunion is next month and I might not go cause I don't want everyone saying...oh she got FATTER! Good luck!

  71. You have such a way with words! Love it!

    Good luck on your quest!

  72. Anonymous11:05 PM

    I am, as many of your readers are, your bff (best fat friend).

    Fen Phen? Yes, loved it, lost the weight, and promptly regained it. But wasn't it great there for awhile?

    My fatter-than-me friend up and lost something like 150 lbs and I will never forgive her for it. She is now MODELING FOR OLD NAVY. This is unacceptable. She should have stayed fatter-than-me.

    My formerly fatter-than-me friend and I have another friend. Let's call her Genetic Mutant. She literally ate whatever she wanted and hovered around a measly 120lbs. Then, she had two kids. Now she is about 115 from all the breastfeeding. So not fair. Now that I think about it, I think I weight somewhere in the neighborhood of two Genetic Mutants.

    Your bff, Bridget :)

  73. New reader here and just wanted to let you know I appreciated your blog entry! Funny and so, so honest. Can't tell you how many friends I've had an internal love/hate relationship with (as in, I hope they don't have a clue!) because they are "skinnier" or cuter than I think I am. Kinda takes the punch out of feeling all mean and nasty for having such thoughts when you know just about durn near all of us are in the same boat!

  74. Anonymous8:22 AM


    I've been a yo-yo all my life. Seems I have the discipline to do the diet, but at the slightest change of the day's routine, the program tail-spins and I'm back to where I started. For me, the importance of the diet always takes a backseat to the exercise regimen. Eight years ago I started weightlifting (with a low carb diet) and dropped 100 lbs. in under a year. Then I went to Vegas for a business venture, didn't like the local Gold's Gym and the Say-Puft Marshmallow Man was again attacking the city. Years before, running did the same thing for me. Again, new job-- yadda, yadda, yadda. Now I'm looking for a gym again-- and a pool to do laps. I've already given up meat, dairy, fried food and soda (not a big deal when sushi and Pellegrino are kicking around) but even this is an exercise (no pun intended) in futility until I actually get out there and kick my butt on a Stairmaster or something.

    The one thing you can never do is surrender 'cause as you get older, not only is it more difficult to get the weight off, but your once-impervious physiology starts nickel-and-diming you. I know.

    So, good luck with the restart! If you'd like a Highland support buddy, my sister-in-law just moved to Highland last December and (don't tell her I said this) SHE could really afford to lose a few.

  75. hi, i lurked over here from my sister Thora's blog ( she linked you in a post) and read your post... i must say i feel for you! I am 5'3, blond, and still packing around a box of size 6 clothes from before i got pregnant with my first ( ummm 5 years ago!) i dont know why i keep them.. right now i would be oh so happy to even be a 10! in fact its funny to think that way back in college when i was a 6 i wished and wished i was skinny like my roomates that were all 2's and 4's. oh what i would give to be "fat" like i was back then! its all relative! I am big and glarpy now, five years and four kids later. my baby is but a week old so i got the good ol 5 month pregnant looking belly going on still. The worst for me is my husband who has that skinny genetics thing where he can eat and eat and eat and still be so thin its just not fair! he is great though he never comments on my weight, but just me knowing that at 5'3 i weight the same as my 6 foot husband is a bit depressing.

    Oh and my 10 year high school reunion is tomorrow.. so skipping that! why wants to go see skinny people that have no kids a week after birth? they totally would not understand and i cant bear to go and have them all thinking " wow she let herself go!"

  76. You're not fat. You're a great writer.

  77. jen...I live in SF too...I'm fat.

    I think that's why I have so many friends....I'm the fat friend. The fattest.

    I won't EVEN tell you the horrific things I've done to be skinny.
    The fat came back.

  78. Don't you love the internet? I love that I found YOU through Kristi's blog (which I love). Muwah, Kristi.

    Eat less. Exercise more. BRILLIANT!! I'm surprised she didn't make you into a repeat customer...

  79. god in heaven, i love you. and don't think i haven't considered the tapeworm idea.

  80. Anonymous7:19 PM

    (heartily) AMEN!!

    Yeah, I had two babies last year. Irish Twins...January then December. My thyroid died (who needed it anyway?) and I gained 80 pounds. I've been able to lose 72 so far but those last 8 are hanging on.

    I've gained three, then lost it, gained, then lost, gained, then lost...over the past three weeks.

    That whole eat less concept doesn't register here and it should. I'm the biggest in my family by 6 dress sizes...and we're all girls. Sucks, really.

    I've tried diets and they don't work since I never stick to them. Food and I like each other...too much. Maybe from now on I'll just rub it into my thighs. Skip the chewing bit.

    If I were in Utah we'd have to roller blade together. Then again, that might only give you more fodder for funny blog posts. I suck at wheels unless I'm pushing them under a stroller. I'd only exfoliate my face on your sidewalk. Not pretty.

    I'm all about your number one. I'm still a svelte 19 year-old doing personal training at the gym. Now, I'm a stretched out and pock marked mother of three whose kids look to be birthed by a surrogate mother. HOW DID I GET SKINNY, TALL KIDS? I'll be the squat little mother of amazon women. Sigh.

    Keep up the posts. I needed this one. Fo' sho'. Maybe I'll take up crack....


  81. I can relate to what you're saying. But hey, we're all in luck. Have you heard the ads for a new, revolutionary, life changing pill called "Slim Seduction"? I love the commercial, "You mean just one pill will help me lose weight AND boost my libido?" In the olden days we had to read a Harlequin Romance while riding a stationary bike to get the same results! Wow, it's great to be alive!

  82. Talking about weight with women can be so awkward~~~! It is a subject I try to avoid as much as possible. All of the feelings you express are so honest, I love that!!! I have felt the same way, but would never admit it outloud. LOL (I think that's what makes good writers GREAT- when they tell the whole truth, lay it all out there) It's almost a relief to read your blogs and find out I am not the only person who thinks like this!!! (not just about this particular post either, I have felt that way about a lot of stuff you've written). That's awesome.

  83. Anonymous8:45 PM

    I am right there with you, 100%. I keep thinking in my head that I look exactly the same before my one year old was even thought of, but then I get an email of a family photo that was taken of me and I'm like "WHOA - who is that".

    P.S. I happened accross your blog today and I'm hooked. I can relate to so many of your posts and they are laugh outloud funny. Oh, I do actually LOVE Twilight, but I won't hold that against you :-)

  84. so sorry to stalk your blog, but I just about peed in my pants with hilarity at the absolute truthfulness of every single point you made. And seriously, enough with the well-meaning skinny friends...(whooooo, by the way, probably closet-eat cheeseburgers and are just blessed with ungodly metabolisms)

  85. I'm all about "This is the Week/Month/Season/Year" that i'm gonna lose the weight. but I don't. Because food rocks. And motherhood and life is stressful. And wine is fun. What was the name of that drug again?

  86. That blog trublubyu posted to? Heinous. Who does that wretch think she is?

    I, for one, think you are GORGEOUS. And you can write. And sing. And make the bloggy masses love you. And you're funny. So, um, who wouldn't want to be you? I know I would.

  87. I am the fat friend. But I get back at my skinny friends by constantly bringing them baked goods. "You just finished your third marathon this summer? That's great! Here, I made you some brownies!"

  88. Yes. Yes. Head nods. More head nods. Yes, I'm there sister. It sucks, no?

  89. Sigh - I knew I liked you for a reason. Been there too my friend. The look on my face scared the doctor that told me that whole little doctor secret of weight loss. Don't mess with chubby!
    My ham-hocks are way bigger than yours so does this make me a BFF? :)

  90. Anonymous12:49 PM

    he he :) tapeworm, you know I have heard of people doint that, honestly.

    And you are right highland is full of disgustingly thin people, it drives me a little batty :)

    Be sure to check out my site and enter to win the giveaway!

  91. Please, please, oh, please, write a book! Maybe send in that romance you mentioned working on. And have your heroine be as hilarious as you are. You will sell a lot of that book! I will buy it and then make all my friends buy it. I have been here, I am here now, in fact, and I am feeling what you're saying on this post. But I'm on vacation so I don't start my overhaul until Thursday. Or maybe Friday because I might need to recover from my vacation....Wait, no. I'll start on Monday because the weekend is a stupid time to start a diet....

  92. Amen. Amen. And amen. Like a page out of my journal (from today).

    Now, where's my dessert?

  93. You have been tagged! Come play!!

  94. Anonymous12:35 AM

    I think I started reading the *comments* around 11 PM. I totally had a comment of my own in mind, back then. Now it's 12:21, and I think everyone's said most of what I've said. (Except, I did want to recommend this book. And no I haven't actually read it, but I did read the Amazon excerpt and all the reviews (a long time ago) and thought it looked good.)

    The reason it took me so long to read all the comments is I kept clicking on peoples' links to see if there was a picture of them on their blog so I could see if they're really as fat as they think they are. (Mostly I couldn't find photos. So, hmmm. But I'll bet they're all beautiful women. And that one whose husband keeps pestering her -- he totally needs to read the book I just linked to, and then he needs to, um, be quiet.)

    I could say tons more on the fat issue, but I'll stop at saying that while I relate to a lot of what you said (and it was very funny) I really am trying to stay firmly in the fat acceptance camp -- and also, there are a LOT of beliefs about fat out there that aren't true at all (like your stupid doctor's advice, for one) (and for others: fat people in general 1. don't eat more than thin people 2. aren't less fit than thin people and 3. don't have worse survival rates or life expectancies than thin people (in fact, theirs are better.) I know none of these things sounds plausible, but if you press me I'll track down the sources (well, one source -- I got almost all this from a blog called junkfoodscience, and she really does look at the actual studies that have been done vs. how they get reported in the media.) I'm not saying you shouldn't exercise more nor that you shouldn't want to be thinner (don't all we WASPish types want that?) -- but I guess I just couldn't quite sit on my fat hands and keep my big fat opinions to myself.

    I should probably go back and untangle all those parentheses and see if any of this lengthy comment makes any sense, but I'm too worn out from stalking all your commenters' blogs.

  95. Anonymous12:43 AM

    Okay I'm gonna defy the fatigue and yield to the obsessive-compulsive tendencies enough to just try to fix a couple things: obviously I meant to say most people had said what I *would have* said -- and also the three things I listed are the truths not the falsehoods. I think that's enough to make what I wrote kinda make sense.

  96. I went to a bloggy beach party last weekend. A week before leaving I called my closest friend who would be in attendance and made her promise that we would stick together for all meals because I'm fat, and she's fat and we knew that the skinny ladies would be appalled by us at mealtime.

    Who makes Mealtime Playdates in advance of a vacation with friends?!!??? I do.

  97. Anonymous8:45 AM

    Oh, and I don't mind being fat most of the time but I have learned that-at least in my Ward- there's a definite fat bias at Church. One of my fatty Church friends suggested that we Large And Lovelies should form our own gang to combat the isolation and snubbery we feel from the Mormon Mommy Models Of Perfection.

  98. So, so funny. Seriously...and true. Why do skinny friends do that to us? I've gotten big since high 50 pounds heavier big and some of my friends try to suggest ways to be healthier and I want to just punch them. They've always been skinny and healthy and do not know what it is like to have "rolls" anywhere because they don't even eat the bread ones.

    It would make them fat. And they can't be fat. The word "fat" is just not in their vocabulary, unless it is to refer to the "fat lip" I'd like to give them.

  99. Anonymous9:17 PM

    Oh I can so relate...esp to the bit about constantly comparing yourself to fat friends. I'm awful too.

    You need to come to Mauritania with me. In Mauritania, I am a beauty queen--pale, fat and blonde. yes, there they like their women really fat (they esp prize jiggly upper arms) and the paler/blonder, the better.

    Which just goes to show you how shallow and meaningless it all is.

  100. holy freak! 102 comments. I wonder if mine is even worth it! I can be your fat friend. Do you know, I am such a louse for a friend, but I look for people I know who are larger than me, and ask them if they want to work out together or start a diet. I figure there is strength in numbers, even if it is our weight.

  101. Best about-to-start-a-diet post ever!

    I'm so with you, and I'll totally be your friend!

    And I say this even though I'm eating up my daughter's cold cinnamon toast crusts.

    I also highly recommend Jen Lancaster's Such a Pretty Fat (confession time: she's a friend of mine) and Jennette Fulda's Half-Assed (not a friend--see how fair and unbiased)

  102. Anonymous8:43 PM

    Great post- I'm with ya sista!

  103. This is the most honest, down to earth post I've read in a while. I absolutely love it. And it's a reminder to me that I need to just get my butt into gear and start exercising. I've been meaning to get up and go walking every morning this week, but then my alarm goes off a little early, and I decide my bed is a MUCH more comfortable place to be and I can walk TOMORROW.

  104. K- I finally learned how to get exercise: ahem! Build your one and only bathroom 2 blocks away from the rest of your house. If you are like most people who have had more than one child, this means you will have to take your bladder on a 4 block walk several times a day, PLUS, your kids will all want you to go with them or CARRY them to the bathroom various times a day as well. If you have too many kids, this will consume your whole day and not only will you be exercising all day, you won't have time to eat, either! And, if you happen to build a big sandbox between your house and the bathroom, it will be an even bigger work out. I found out this little gem when we went to Yuba Lake North beach a month ago. The bathrooms are two blocks from the campsites on the beach. I found muscles I never knew existed.

  105. You've been tagged. Check out my blog if you are interested in playing along.

    I will be praying for Nie. Thanks for making me aware of that situation.

    Love your blog!

  106. I realize that this is an older post of yours but LOVED it! I can't even remember what pathway I took to get here but I think I started on mormonmommyblog. I was in Alpine, UT for 3 weeks this summer so technically you were not the fattest person in Highland July 29- through August something or other because you have to drive through Highland to get anywhere, right? And I had a very scarring experience at the dollar theatre in Provo due to my chubbiness--I even blogged about it. My favorite saying is, "Food is my drug of choice"--say that amongst your skinny friends and watch THAT reaction! Is it okay that I put you on my blog stalking list? I love this place! Oh--and if that Connie that commented here ever reads this (the one who wrote about the stationary bike and romance novels and made me spew Crystal Light out my nose) ever reads this--I would love to read your blog!

  107. My you have a lot of readers! Add one more to that. You are hysterical.

    My friend said her grandma told her "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." But I can think of about 20 things that taste better than that. That's my problem.