Friday, October 19, 2007

About the Kids

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(Yes, family, this is an old picture. I don't care. It's cute. Plus I can't find the new ones. Just play along.)

I love my children. I really do. They're kind and sweet and talented and cute. They are smarter than the average bear, they make my world revolve, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. (Cut and paste loving mommy blog paragraph here.)

I think it would be fascinating to come to a mommy blog and read something like, "MAN, my four year old is a little jerk. He's constantly picking his nose, and it's disgusting. He won't pee in the toilet, he keeps making this loud beeping noise, and if I have to read that Diego story one more time I will kill myself." I think I would have to read that one. Possibly I would have to report the mother to social services eventually, but it would be interesting to read.

Because my children CAN be incredibly annoying sometimes.

Is it really necessary to run around the house flapping your arms and yelling, "I'm a goony bird, I'm a goony bird," for twenty minutes straight? Is that ever necessary? Am I really a horrible mother for making you STOP IT? Have I really crushed all of your dreams?

And why is it that if Sarah is sitting in the family room by herself, and I ask her to turn off the T.V., she'll just kind of sigh, and look at me with an aggrieved expression, then gradually, slowly, make her way over to the T.V., lift her arm as though it's incredibly heavy, and in slow motion, turn it off, sighing the whole time? Then look at me as if to say, the things I do for you mom, the things I do for you.

But if all three of my kids are there? And I say, "someone turn off the t.v.," World War III breaks out as they all rush to be the first to turn it off. Someone pushes someone, someone is victorious, someone else falls on the floor crying as though they'd been stabbed, when really all that happened was that they DID NOT GET TO TURN OFF THE T.V. Then with the crying, and the "I was going to turn it off, " and "but I was first," and "he didn't let me turn it off."

The other day Abby and Carter had a fight. As ducks. One of them started quacking and the other quacked back. It was all good fun, but eventually the quacking turned menacing and angry, and one of them burst into tears. "Mom, she quacked at me." They don't even know what they are arguing about. They don't speak duck.

Irrational goons, my children. And yet, they think I'M annoying. What is up with that?

Someday, twenty years from now, when we are sitting in some therapist's office, discussing all of the ways I failed them as a parent, I know some of this stuff is gonna come back to bite me. Sarah will cry about how I never bought her cute shoes, and I never learned to properly braid her hair, and as if that wasn't enough, there were a lot of times that I did not let her order from the book order, and if there is something terrible you can do to a six year old child, apparently that is it. Judging from the hysterical sobbing that took place last night.

Abby will explain how I stifled her creativity and smashed her hopes when I would not let her wear her princess costume to preschool on non-Halloween oriented days. Her friend Brooklyn came over to play yesterday dressed in princess shoes and a frilly skirt, and Abby looked at me and said, "THAT'S NICE, your mom lets you wear PRINCESS SHOES OUTSIDE," and then gave me a look of disgust and walked away. She is also ashamed of the fact that I do not wear dresses every day, as she imagines most other mothers do. She encourages me to "please wear a skirt" and to "try to look nicer" and to "make something in your mouth not smell like that." O.K., maybe she had a point on the last one. But do I have to take this from a girl who still occasionally pees herself?

Carter so far, has no major complaints, but give him time. He's still at that age where he thinks his father and I are wonderful. Well, except when we tell him "no computer" or "no TV" or "you have to come inside" or "get your hands out of your underwear." So really, thinking about it now, he's kind of mad at us a lot. But when he's NOT mad, he thinks we're awesome.

Sorry. Excuse me. This post really has no point. I know I'm supposed to wrap it up with some kind of inspirational story or thought, but I don't have it in me today. Maybe if they'd KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE INFERNAL BEEPING FOR TWO SECONDS, I could come up with something.


In other news, I am never eating again. I got on the scale this morning and WOW. Wow. You have to be really dedicated to your craft to attain this particular level of rapid weight gain. I need to do something about this. TODAY. Or possibly on Monday.



  1. I'm so glad there is someone out there to write about my family for me. It saves me tons of time. Thanks!

    The beeping, the hands in the pants, the princess dresses (Come ON, other little boys don't want to wear princess dresses. Actually, I just let them because it's too durn cute.) I occasionally also get, "Eww, what's that smell?"

    "Mom, super rhymes with pooper!"

  2. Or this, "Waaaaah! (real-live wailing) Mom!!! David won't share any of his pretend candy!"

  3. Um, have you been looking at my scale again? Geez girlfriend!

  4. 1. I am so glad to hear you complain about your "normal" kids. Makes me feel much better about being such a whiner.
    2.You don't have your email listed? I suppose I don't have to worry about hate mail since obviously only 1/100 of the amount of people read my blog. Hate mail? Ha, you would have to read my blog to hate it! (p.s. email me! lakotajo2 at
    3. You can come walking with me, or falling off the treadmill, whichever is preferable, cause I promise, I am fatter and clumsier.

  5. Probably I wouldn't get hate mail. I'm not that cool. I just know that there are a lot of people who look at the blog that never comment, and in my imagination, they all hate me. Because why else wouldn't you comment?!! (No, it couldn't just be that they have LIVES. I do not accept that as a valid reason.)

    Sarah - ha ha!!! Pretend candy.

  6. Anonymous12:14 PM

    My kids argued yesterday about who had a bigger poop.

    I feel your pain. I love them, but really wish I could send them to temporary boarding school. Just for a couple of days.

    Beep. Beep. Beep.

  7. This post did have a point, it made me laugh till I snorted, and made me feel less alone. The duck fight? Oh my. I'm so telling my hubby about that when he comes home. He'll bust a gut for sure.

    I love reading blog posts like this that make me feel like I'm not the only Mom whose Inane Quota gets filled on a daily basis!

  8. Anonymous12:31 PM

    I'm not completely sure, but I think boys just don't complain about their mothers. I have three and none of them ever say things like,"Are you going to comb your hair today?". I guess the fact that the oldest is five and the younger two don't talk so well means that it could be coming. But that's what duct tape is for, right?

    And if you're worried about weight, try The Fat Flush. I've lost 27 pounds and am still losing. 20 more before Christmas!!

  9. I swear my kids used to think that their actual reason for existance was to keep me from being bored. You know, like when you sit down in front of the tv for 2 seconds and a big fight breaks out right in front of you.
    Thank heavens they only do that nights and weekends now.

  10. Thank goodness there are people in Blogland who have children that are normal! I was beginning to thing that my children were mutants from the dark underbelly of the earth. Ahhh - I can breathe so much easier now.
    You daughter cracked me up - she's got the whole dressing thing down, doesn't she? " her mother ..." very funny.
    BTW - not creative writing - real. But not at my new/old house. Thank goodness.

  11. Okay, I really need your email address babe! Your comments rock! And? You're in my sidebar spotlight this week, because that's how fabulous you are.

  12. This had me cracking up! It's nice to read about other normal kids. Either that or we all have weird ones :)

    My daughter likes to pretend she's Leo the baby. He's only one and he doesn't talk. So when someone says hello to her she says "goo-goo-ga-ga".

  13. O.k., I made a new email address for myself. It is:

  14. Anonymous1:52 PM

    I'm all about "Or possibly on Monday.

    My youngest talks in this high-pitched it's-like-I'm-on-helium nasaly voice sometimes and I do not like him or want to be in the same room with him when he does that. (He also likes to dress in drag.)

    And I say go for the SLC blogger get-together. My experience so far is that those types of gathering are never dull or silent. I'll come if I can.

  15. Uh oh... you have a site meter? I guess you know how much I check your blog then... uh oh

  16. I would totally go to your blogger get-together thing where we all just stare at each other. Except I'm not in Salt Lake (you crazy Utah mormon).

    You make me so excited for the future when my kids can actually argue with each other. So far it's just the fight over who can yell/squeel loudest. They're both quite good at that one.

  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

  18. My kid's only two and already I'm compiling a list of things he will one day (soon) blame on me. Comes with the territory, I guess.

  19. Arg. Can't do it.

    I am so lame.

  20. Anonymous2:38 PM

    You are cracking me up because you keep taking up and down the post/comment about organizing the blog get together. It's hilarious because I can totally see how your mind is working. Stop being such a wuss! You should have the party, I'm just a lurker, but I'LL come! :>

  21. Read this:

    I don't know what's funnier: the duck fight or fighting over turning off the tv. Jules has no siblings to fight with, so she fights with her stuffed animals. Hilarious, but a bit concerning.

  22. The whole post was so funny, but I was especially loving Emma's paragraph about how nice her friend's mom must be.
    I am sure the arguing and fighting is right around the corner for me. Right now it is a little one sided with me telling Luke not to bug his little sister. But she is getting pretty feisty and will be involved with all of this before I know it.

  23. So glad I read this and can remember the good old days! :)

    Seriously, I thought the Hours of Repetition of an Annoying Noise ended in childhood. But I have a seventeen year old who will flop down in the office chair while I'm hard at work sommenting on someone's blog, and start going, "Euuuuhhh...eeeuuuhhh...eeeeuuuhhh...Isn't that a funny noise?...eeeuuuhhh." Until I say LEAVE MY PRESENCE NOW!

    And yes, she's been tested, and it's not some kind of mental defect. Think she needs some attention?

  24. Yea - kids keep a mental list of all the horrible things you did to them when they were little. The two things that my youngest will never let me forget:

    1. "I never had a sandbox."
    2. "I never had a trampoline."

    He's 21 and still can't let it go. Get over it already!

  25. Apparently, you've never visited my blog. Come on over - maybe we can start a blog ring for moms who are not totally infatuated with their offspring.

    "They don't speak duck." I love that.

  26. Are you SURE your kids don't speak duck? They might have that talent and you're just not aware of it...

  27. I'm pretty sure my kids speak duck....they argue in it occassionally as well.

  28. I feel your pain. My four year old is so annoying right now... he wants my attention... and the more he wants it the more annoying he is- I always wonder if he is trying to be annoying... it makes me absolutely crazy...and the fighting- it makes me turn into a lunatic...and when they don't listen to me. ARGGGHHH- I get sooooo....mad... I am working on my temper as of late. It is really, really challenging... Parenting is dang hard!

  29. Wow, I needed that laugh. Definitely been there and it only gets stranger when they become teenagers. Come to think of it, I'm sure my parents still find me strange.

  30. Anonymous9:43 PM

    Just had to say that your comment about feeling "Thin and classy" at the fair had my husband and I in stitches -- hilarious! I felt the same way, even waddling around on badly blistered feet with a gut full of funnel cake.

  31. I snort laughed in the SECOND paragraph, and continued until the end. You are hilarious. Thanks for keeping it real.

  32. I don't hate you.

    You're funny.

  33. If everyone is enjoying the blog about the kids just wait for the one about the dog! Gotta love Wickett!

  34. Every time I read your blog, I laugh to the point that my laugh becomes a strange, strangled sort of quack.

    I had no idea how appropriate that was.

  35. MY favorite thing about kids is how they stop being annoying as soon as they WANT something. "But Mom, I really very love you!"

    Way to manipulate guys, way to manipulate. . .

  36. I can totally relate to this post. You crack me up.

  37. Leave it to you to put a hysterically funny spin on the lives of REAL children! I LOVE it! The whole........"mommy wear a skirt" thing is cracking me up! She is your little girlie girl, huh?

  38. Nicki - 27 pounds!!!! !!!! I am SO googling that.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who will admit to getting annoyed.

    "Euuuuhhh...eeeuuuhhh...eeeeuuuhhh... Isn't that a funny noise?..." Ha HA HA!!!

    You guys all never fail to make me laugh - best commenters EVER. I swear the comments are way better than the posts.

  39. Anonymous7:17 AM

    Of course, MY children were never like that! Welcome to Motherhood!Yes, it all has the potential to make you very crazy. Just look how I turned out!

  40. Ah huh. I hear you.
    I raised 3 boys. I got stories. Once they were so awful that I handcuffed them together with Gee Bee ties. Yes I did! It's to late to report me. They are adults now. Naaa naaa.

  41. As a mother of a son who turns six next month, I can relate! Yea you for being brave enough to say that hey,parenting is hard sometimes.

    I enjoyed this - made me laugh out loud.

    And also? Thanks ever so much again for your kind comment. It did me a world of good.

  42. Since this morning I dealt with the craziest 3 year old ever, I almost wrote the exact post you described in your entry. Check back with me tomorrow. I’m still trying to gather my thoughts.


  43. I somehow missed this one when you first posted it. This is hysterical!! My kids are the same way---hate to do it when it's just one, but compete like animals when it's the two of them. Sigh.

  44. You are stinkin' hilarious! I am back this morning to read more and now I'm upset because I have to get ready for work. Dang Post OFfice.

    I was seriously crying into my coffee cup. I love the part about the t.v. That is exactly how my two do it except my 9 year old just does it to make the 3 year old scream and then I scream.

    You have officially made my blog roll. (Yes, I am still a nobody blogger but one day I'll be famous and it will mean something, dangit. :))

  45. Anonymous6:00 PM

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAH "Have I really crushed all of your dreams??"

    I have a noisebox child as well - she's TWELVE, and she loves words, and the sounds of words, and she'll get one word stuck in her head and say it 2 million and 5 times and yet, when I sigh deeply at 2 million and 6 and say "*must* you do that?" she bursts into tears.

    Because of the dream crushing.

    I'm such a bad mother.

  46. "Mom, she quacked at me."

    You have been in my house haven't you. Admit it! Apart from my kids say Mum not Mom, this has happened to me too!

    My son just demanded that my daughter pull down her pants to prove she doesn't have a willy. See what happens when I try to grab some computer time?