Wednesday, September 02, 2009

The Mysterious Case of the Continually Evolving Due Date

Pin It NO BABY YET. I REPEAT: NO BABY YET.

Some people were confused about how I could be twelve weeks along in February, and yet STILL BE PREGNANT IN SEPTEMBER. Well. That is certainly VERY easy to explain.

This is possible because I am a moron.


January 2009


I call my old OB's office.

Me: "I took a pregnancy test and it says I'm pregnant."
Nurse: "When was your last menstrual period?"
Me: "December 2nd?"
Nurse: "Are you guessing?"
Me: "Kind of."

We settle on a due date of September 10th. I tell her what the OB said after my last c-section - that my uterus was shot and that I should take steps to make sure I NEVER GET PREGNANT AGAIN. She leaves a message for the doctor, who reads his old notes on the chart and calls me back. We have a ten minute conversation all about DANGER and RISK and TAKING PRECAUTIONS. I am officially scared to death.


February 12, 2009

We discover our insurance no longer covers the old OB, and I reluctantly find a new one.

NEW, COMPLETELY CAVALIER NOT-TAKING-ME-SERIOUSLY OB: "Sometimes when we're performing c-sections we see a paper thin uterine scar and get a little freaked out. But we really don't know very much medically about how much stress the uterus can actually take. The uterus is an amazing thing. You'll probably be fine."

Me: "Uhhhh....."

OB: "Listen, we'll keep an eye on things. If we start seeing signs of tearing or rupture, we'll take the baby a little early - in August or possibly July."


February 24, 2009

Me: "I'm twelve weeks now."
Husband: "Nine weeks."
Me: "No - I think I got pregnant on December 13th. That makes me..."
Husband: "That would make you ten weeks."
Me: "Ten-and-a-half. That's practically twelve."
Husband: "Is this because you want to tell people, and you think you aren't allowed to tell people until the first trimester is over?"
Me: Yes. "NO."


April, 2009

At a party, talking pregnancy with a friend who is due in September:

Friend: "When is this baby coming?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Maybe August. Or July. It sort of depends." I ramble on for a few minutes about possible complications and early babies.
Friend: "But what's your official due date?"
Me: Huh. When IS my due date? Surely this knowledge was in my brain at some point in time. "August 20th?"

Later on that night, I realize this is NOT actually my due date but the date of the Project Runway premiere.

(HEY, IT WAS AN IMPORTANT DAY.)


April 2009, again

Ultrasound tech: "So according to what we can see on the ultrasound, your corrected due date is actually September 28th."
Me, grumbling: "Yeah, like THAT's accurate."


June 2009

My friends throw me a baby shower. Because as they all know, I'm due ANY DAY NOW. The baby could come at ANY SECOND. In JULY. Or maybe in AUGUST. Or maybe on September 10th. Or the 28th. Or maybe NEXT YEAR. NOBODY KNOWS.


July 2009

The OB tells me everything looks fine so far, and barring any problems we'll plan on a September 14th c-section.

Me: "Like what kind of problems? Because last night I bent over and I felt tearing and I was looking at wikipedia and I wondered - "
OB: "You didn't rupture."
Me: "Right, but - "
OB: "Severe pain. Severe uterine pain and bleeding. Call us if there is SEVERE UTERINE PAIN AND BLEEDING."


August 2009:

I have somehow gotten September 10th stuck in my head. Approximately twenty people ask me when I am due. I tell all of them September 10th.


August 2009, Again:

I get in an argument with my husband about my c-section date.

He insists it is September 14th.

I insist it is the 10th, after all, "I should know, I mean, it's MY body getting cut open. Geez."

He gets out the calendar and I slink away in defeat.


August 2009, Some More:

I am having contractions. In all of my previous conversations with the OB, she has emphasized that I should NOT worry about uterine rupture because we really only need to worry if I start having contractions.

I call her office in a dither, all "RUPTURE - RUPTURE WILL ROBINSON." She tells me to lie down and drink a glass of water and the contractions will probably stop.

They do.

(It is very anti-climactic.)


September 2009:

I realize that for all of my complaining ("I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT FOR FORTY-SEVEN WEEKS" and "PLEASE JUST GET IT OUT OF ME" and "MY STOMACH IS BREAKING OFF") I am now too busy with work and the kids' activities to have this baby.

I ask my OB if we can move it back to September 28th again because I have three user manuals to finish before I can possibly afford to take a few days off to have the baby. The 14th is just not going to work for me.

Shockingly, she does not go along with this.

----------------------------

So there you have it. September 14th. D-Day.

I am actually looking into outsourcing the birthing process to my husband. He gets paid time off from work, so it would make way more sense for him to just go ahead and have the baby.

(I'll keep you posted on how that works out for me.)

-------------------

PS: I didn't forget about the Thanksgiving Point giveaway - I just never bothered to announce who won. I did pick a winner and deliver the tickets last month though - they went to Debbie, who commented at 10:11 PM.

71 comments:

  1. Wow!! I didn't even know you were pregnant. I haven't been the best blogger this Summer.

    Congratulations!!!!!!! (Moron) you know I am just kidding, REALLY.

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  2. Oh, hooray! You're back! I was wondering what was going on. Congratulations on still being pregnant!

    Good luck on that husband-having-the-baby thing....

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  3. I seriously almost stopped by yesterday to tell you how much I missed you, but I chickened out because I thought it sounded creepy. And here I am telling you anyway. Oh well, missed you! Good luck with the c-section and the whole rupturing stuff, sounds grand. :)

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  4. Outsourcing the delivery! *Slaps head.

    You're a friggin' genius.

    Gotta go find my husband...

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  5. I'll definitely think of you on 9/14 and hopefully all will go well (fingers crossed for no more contractions and no ruptures) and this baby will sweep you off your feet.

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  6. Did I make the top 40 in comments? Oooh I hope so.

    Um baby time. We are moving and you are having a baby. That is two life changing events for the both of us. Yours maybe a bit more permanent than mine.

    I will call you. You.me,park.kids.ice cold sodas. Yes.

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  7. Lol @ hubby having baby...yea let us know how that works out!

    I always forgot my due date...

    And Project Runway is important

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  8. I just have to take a moment to brag that I did actually carry my first child for 11 months. And then she had the nerve to spend 35 hours finally getting here. There were definitely moments when a c-section looked very, very good to me. I will be thinking of you!

    Oh yeah, if you figure out the whole husband having the baby thing, let me know...

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  9. If you hold off for one more day and wait till the 15th he/she will be born on my birthday. Not that you care one lick about me and my birthday but I think it would be a cool conversation peace for me...like....you know Sue,, right? You know Sue...the Navel Gazing blogger...she had her baby on MY birthday...then everyone will ooooo and aahhhhh and it will be perfect. For me. :)

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  10. You are so close! Good Luck! I hope everything goes well.

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  11. I'd like to slap your OB. At least, after a successful C-section when he's not needed anymore.

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  12. Just don't let that c-sec conflict with BYU football...priorities you know...

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  13. September 14th is a great day for a c-section. It's so great that I had a c-section on September 14th back in 2005.

    Good luck!

    ~Brandi

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  14. I was just thinking about you. September 14th is a fine date. It's the birthday of one of my favorite people in all the world.

    I think if they give you enough narcotics your husband might be able to convince you that he gave birth to the baby. Of course, they'd have to keep them coming, because otherwise you might suspect the scam.

    Thinking calm, peaceful thoughts for you. (Like I know how to do that.)

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  15. D-Day = C-Day
    Wait. That looks like math. Forget it.

    I don't know why I shouldn't be able to outsource my labor and delivery to my husband as he already gets sympathy hunger, weight gain, and tiredness.

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  16. Yay! I mean, I'm sorry for all this excruciating due-date drama that TOTALLY makes it okay for you to outsource the delivery. Maybe you can get another shower out of this whole thing.

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  17. Glad to see you back. Good luck on the 14th. Hubby should certainly say he's willing--he would score such points.

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  18. You still make me laugh so hard, Sue, it's not fair.

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  19. I love reading your stuff.

    I would also totally confuse my due date with Project Runway. If I was pregnant.

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  20. Outsourcing the birthing process to the husband because he gets PTO? Priceless.
    I'm thinking mine could at least have done the twin who had to have the c-section. I had already pushed out the first one.
    Good luck!

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  21. Your line, "
    I ask my OB if we can move it back to September 28th again because I have three user manuals to finish before I can possibly afford to take a few days off to have the baby. The 14th is just not going to work for me."

    sounds completely like something I would say. =D

    Good luck!

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  22. The 14th is my birthday, so naturally I think it's a great day for a C-section. For you, that is. I have no need of a C-section.

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  23. Wa-hoo! Baby day really IS coming closer. Gotta agree that outsourcing the whole c-section is genius. Pure genius. Remember that there is a "man" who has given birth twice now. See? It really IS a possibility!

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  24. ....can't come up with original/witty comment.....too late....should be in bed.....baby is taking all brain cells.....I'll just be nice.....

    I hope everything goes okay. Hope you get all your manuals done and find time in your schedule to have a baby. And I really really hope you figure out how to make the husband do it. That's an idea worth patenting.

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  25. I don't know if I should admit how much it makes my day when you post. But you keep living up to it.

    I loved your duedate story.

    A while ago my dad asked for all of his kids' and their kids vital statistics for a genealogy book, and thankfully my mother corrected the date I sent in for my 4th child's birthday, which was a day off, but which was on the same date as one of my other children's birthday, if in a different month. Now even when I get his birthday right, I think I have it wrong.

    September 14th is an excellent birthday (but Annie needs to hurry it up with that virtual shower. Or did she already do that and I missed it?)

    DO PLEASE LIE DOWN AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER A LOT, PLEASE OH PLEASE. I do so wish I could offer to write those technical manuals for you. (Not that anything's stopping me from offering, so I guess I meant, I wish I could not just offer but actually write them for you.)

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  26. Welcome back and that really is quite a funny series of events. Probably not if you're you I guess but hurrah that the real due date is approaching!

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  27. I'm all about due date vagueness. My standard answer for people who ask when I am due is, "In the spring."

    Much easier that way than committing to an actual date. I mean, how stressful is that?

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  28. Good ness, I love you woman!

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  29. Ha! Due dates are like magic prophesy things anyway. I would have held out for the 28th too. Especially as I personally know A MILLION or so people born on either the 28th or the 29th. It's a very popular time to be born. (My husband's bday is the 27th and mine is the 30th and we meet SO MANY people born between us. Freaky! yes)
    Oh and thrilled to hear from you :)

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  30. well its good to know you are still kickin! and the baby too! good luck on the 14th!

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  31. I don't know why, it's not like you've written anything here that would cause me to question anything (or everything) you say, but I'm not counting on the 14th until I see that baby crowning (or er... whatever you'd call it in a C-section).

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  32. Hey, that's my older brother AND younger sister's birthdate! Its a great birthday... unless u really wanted them to come earlier... and there will be the issue of when to put them in school (almost 5 or almost 6?)..

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  33. You totally crack me up! I'm going to tell my husband that he's having our next baby.
    Project Runway is a SUPER important day!
    Just buy your OB tickets to something great on the 14th. Then she'll have to push back the date!

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  34. Too bad it's not September 10th... that's my b day! Then we could be birthday buddies!!! I'm celebrating on the 11th at Pirate Island at night... your baby is invited :)))

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  35. Knowing what I know about something your husband said he would do, and failed to do, that has made this c-section necessary,I think he should at least be willing to have a little sympathetic abdominal exploratory surgery. Or promise to do all the late-night feedings. Or something.

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  36. I really shouldn't read your blog at work because I laugh too hard and then the people in the waiting room scowl at me like I'm a big jerk for daring to laugh when they're miserable.

    I can't really sympathize with the whole birth thing, not having done it myself, but I DO have a book that's due any day now! I can't be certain, but I've heard that the book delivery is considerably easier. Hope everything goes well for yours-- I'll be thinking about you. :)

    Best of luck on the 14th! Can't wait to hear about your new little one.

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  37. Let me know how that outsourcing thing goes. I'd love to do that next time as my last two babies have come too fast for pain meds. I think it is time for someone else to do some pushing around here!

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  38. If you figure out a way to get hubby to have the baby, we would all really be very interested in that process... Good luck!

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  39. "outsourcing the birthing process to my husband". I like the technical sound of that. I haven't figured out a way to do that yet (nor with nursing, which I'm still working on), but if it works for you, please, PLEASE share your secret.

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  40. Haha, oh Sue, you make me smile. And let me know about the whole outsourcing, I'm definitely interested in that plan. Good luck!

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  41. Sue you are the funniest moron I don't actually know. Where can I send a baby gift?

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  42. Oh Sue I'm so glad to read your stuff again. I laughed out loud several times about you being pregnant for 47 weeks, it was great. Is your husband up for hire? I have no problem being pregnant, but really I would rather not deal with the whole process of said child actually entering the world. Good luck to you and your husband, I hope all goes well.

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  43. Oh my He&&. I have just had the crappiest days the last two days and reading your blog entry has made me laugh out loud. Seriously. So thank you for brightening my day. I soo love reading your blog, I love your wit and sense of humor. So for that, I think I must owe you some dollars or at least a baby gift.

    Congrats. The countdown is on. May I suggest you outsource the breastfeeding as well? That would also be included in the benefits package for outsourcing.

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  44. YAY YOU BLOGGED!
    Only 10 more days!

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  45. Oh how I have missed your hilarious rants! You're so funny, even when you're a million months pregnant! I know you hate people making a big fuss about prayers and such, so I'll just say "GOOD LUCK!!" on your big day. And don't forget to post pictures of your new little one!

    I'm now considering outsourcing for my next one.....Thanks :)

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  46. And the mysterious due date is revealed. I've been losing sleep over this, you know (apparently we both have).

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  47. So...wait. I'm confused. You've had the baby by now right?

    Joking, of course.

    I'll be thinking of you, I've missed you, I'm glad you posted something so I could stop shouting RUPTURE RUPTURE WILL ROBINSON in my sleep.

    Peace to you.

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  48. Oh, Sue, I just love you. I felt like I was pregnant for more than a year with both of my kids but I couldn't even WRITE about it. I was just a big sodden mass of reproduction. YOU, on the other hand, are HILARIOUS.

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  49. I no longer blog for a living (oddly enough, it doesn't pay at all... I mean, much)... Not much time to read them either... But when I do get around to reading yours, I always laugh and pee a little. Was that TMI? Nah. I don't believe there's any such thing.

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  50. Ah, Sue, I think I love you.
    I made a deal with my husband. I birth the children and he has to take out the trash, kill all spiders, and investigate weird noises in the dark.

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  51. My due dates were all really interpretive approximations too. Nothing like improvising with the human body, eh?

    Loved this post!

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  52. Yeah. I used to get up every night (do you know this pattern) about thirty times to go to the bathroom, and every time, I'd sit there in the dark, re-counting the days, including hours and minutes, till I was supposed to be done. I prayed for premies. I shot off fireworks the day I lost my uterus. Now I'm doing exactly the same thing every night, counting how many days are left of my baby's mission - and I figure I could conceive a child, come to full term and have it fully dressed long before he walks through that door again. If I had the equipment, I mean. Which I don't. (Do you hear me laughing as I retreat into my quiet, no longer childproof house?)

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  53. Oooo Sept 14th is the best day to be born...it's my birthday!! =)

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  54. I was thinking about you the other day and realizing how close you are to having this cute baby. I will definitely be thinking about you and praying that everything goes well on the 14th. Can't wait to meet the new baby!!!

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  55. ha ha. I always have that get-this-baby-out-RIGHT-NOW-oh-wait-I-actually-don't-have-time-to-have-this-baby-right-now moment.

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  56. Ah, now that makes more sense now. :) And here I thought I was the only one going crazy. Congrats on the set date anyway. Me? I hate surprises. Set dates are comforting. Good luck.

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  57. I've never once read your blog until today, and I'm very hard to please. I hate blogs. But thank you for the 3 hearty laughs I got out of this great post! Bless you!

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  58. Holy crap! It's the 14th!!! What is happening?!! I NEED to know!!!

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  59. You have a great blog here. Stumbled onto it from another blog. Just wanted to leave a comment so, you know, my conscience would be clear. LOL Hope that outsourcing thing works out for ya. :)

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  60. Would you post some baby news for all these poor people who think you must be carrying a baby elephant? They deserve to know that your gestation is over.

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  61. And by now you have a baby!!! I hope everything went well and that you're all safe and sound. :)

    Congratulations!!!

    Marste

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  62. I love how simple you make my life look. Thanks!

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  63. I am sorry that you aren't my neighbor. You are funny and I completely enjoy not only your writting topics but your writting style. It is great! Thanks for sharing!

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  64. By now you have your baby. I hope everything went well, and that your baby is sleeping mostly through the night. :D

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  65. Okay, so people keep coming to my blog from yours and it always makes me think, "Oh, Sue must have a new post up!" instead of, "Oh, it's the same old post and people are so desperate that they are actually coming to MY BLOG." Dude, I know Jake has the croup. But dude, throw your people a bone!

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  66. Yes, I agree. Throw us a bone. I've been thinking about you and your courage and your desire to do what is right. The bone. Throw it. It can be a tiny one, we won't mind. Everyone is so concerned. And hopeful.

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  67. I check your blog almost every day to see if you've written anything! How's everything going with the new little one?

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  68. Hi Sue, I hope you are doing well with your new bambino! I have been thinking about you and wondering how it's going. September 14 was a long time ago, shouldn't you be adjusted and back to blogging by now? ;)

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