The Blog Book

As you know, we're trying to put put together a book to benefit the NieNie fund, written by bloggers.

All proceeds from the book will go to the NieNie fund. We'll be self-publishing it through Lulu. (This is a no-upfront-fee internet publishing site that will take a small portion of the price per published book as their fee.) We'll also be offering it as an eBook, for those who want ALL of the proceeds to go to NieNie and who don't care about holding a book in their hand. The working title is "Sometimes Life is Funny."

So now - we need content! If you've always wanted to see your name in an actual book, here's your chance. I'd love to have you submit a post-length essay. The goal of the book is to make people smile - so everything from mildly amusing to laugh out loud funny is needed. Your essay can be about anything - a day in the life, parenting, marriage, dating, growing up, work - anything. We want everything from laugh out loud funny to things that just make you smile. We'd prefer new, unposted stuff, but we're flexible.

Here are the rules:

• You must have a blog where you are currently, actively posting
• It must be amusing on some level
  
• You can submit using your blog name or your real name
• It can't be something you've previously published, other than on your blog
• It must be under 1500 words- ish
• You MUST publicize the book and the contest on your own blog, and if you make it into the book, you must buy it
• You must link back to this post AND the NieNie recovery site (http://www.nierecovery.com/) in order to spread the word about both (By the way, we need a button/graphic to use for the contest - if anyone wants to volunteer to make one, I'd be grateful.)

The deadline for submissions is September 30th, 2008. You can send your submission to us at sometimeslifeisfunny at gmail dot com. You don't have to be a mom, a woman or a mormon to submit. If you've ever written something funny, we want you.

If you've already emailed me or left a comment about it, thank you. If you're not sure if you are funny enough - don't worry! All kinds of things are funny. Just take a shot and submit. I can't wait to see what you all come up with.

How to Have a Mixed Marriage

My husband is working in Salt Lake now, which is a very good thing. It makes me really happy to have him around everyday. He's good people.

He commutes about 30 minutes to work, which is kind of a problem. Not because of the time or the gas, but because it gives him more time to listen to talk radio. After an hour a day of talk radio, he’s in the mood to come home and discuss politics, which would be SUPER, if we agreed about a single flippin’ thing.

When my husband and I first got married, he had no political opinions, so I happily shared mine with him. At the time I was a rabid Republican (something I blame on years of getting not quite enough sleep). He was quite thoroughly converted, partly because I was not just a Republican, I was a REPUBLICAN in capital letters - a legitimate, vote in every election, letter-to-the-editor writing, volunteer for political campaigns, card carrying friend of Ronald. I had ZEAL, people.

Over the last mumble-mumble years, I’ve gradually changed my outlook on a variety of social and political issues, and a few years ago I switched political affiliations, over to, um… {{looks around furtively, whispers}} …that other party. (Please don’t tell my neighbors. I live in Utah county, people. It doesn't get redder than that.) No, not the Democrats. I'm not THAT far gone yet. But I did make myself a bona fide Independent. My husband was shocked at first. He took it as a sign that I'd sold my soul to the devil and was getting ready to start wearing clothes made of hemp.

Even now, he's kind of amused and perplexed by how much my views have changed. I like to tell him that my heart grew three sizes one day, and I could no longer remain a political grinch. (Strangely, he doesn't really think that's as funny as I do.)

I’m very interested in politics, but I refuse to discuss them - not with my husband, not with family, and ESPECIALLY not with friends. This is mostly because I’m incapable of talking rationally about it. I slip back into my 15 year old self and end up saying things like, “You don’t even have an opinion, you’re only saying what Glenn Beck told you to say,” and then they start insulting NPR, and then I have to start knifing people.

My husband knows that I don’t want to talk about it ninety percent of the time, but he still tries, multiple times a day. “So your man Barack said that – “

“Zip it.”

“Come on, I just wanna talk to you.”

“No. No. You want to make me go crazy all over the place.”

“No need for crazy. Just a little casual, calm conversation.”

“NO. No politics. Ever. NO POLITICS EVER.”

He’ll roll his eyes, stomp away, wait ten minutes, then try again.

The good news is that our differing political philosophies have no impact on our feelings for each other. The way I see it, it’s kind of like being in a mixed religion marriage. I just hang on, love him the best I can, and have faith that he will eventually see the light.

(Hee. That last sentence is gonna drive him crazy.)

P.S. My new blog friend Casey, from Moosh in Indy, was nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar for 2009. Apparently the contest was originally supposed to be not strictly about physical appearance, but about the person as a whole or something like that. She's doing pretty well in the voting, but is getting a little smacked around by a bunch of girls who decided to post sleazy videos of themselves in order to get votes. She's posted a video on her blog asking people to come vote for her. If you think funny is hot, or modesty is hot, or if you just don't like seeing everything get constantly skankified, go help her out.

STOP THE PRESSES

AAACK! I just thought of something I can do. And now I'm so excited that I'm going to just post about it before I even think it through (because that's what I do).

Many moons ago a few bloggy friends and I were talking about putting together a blog book, kind of inspired by this book, except ours wasn't going to be for charity. (GREEDY)

It was my idea, and I guess that kind of means I was supposed to be in charge, but I kept forgetting about that part, and now and then I would think, "Huh, I wonder whatever happened with that blogging book?" And then I'd get an email saying, "Hey, Sue, what's going on with the blogging book?" I'd remember about my incharginess for a few minutes and would start making plans, then I'd see something sparkly and forget again. So nothing ever really happened. (SURPRISING!)

But now, I'm thinking we should do the Blog Book, but for CHARITY, with all of the funds going to the NieNie fund. It'll be full of short stories from a lot of witty, wonderful women. Plus me. And then you will all (MAKE IT SO) buy the book and we will make approximately TWELVE BILLION DOLLARS, all for Nie.

Good, right? Right? Kind of?

So, um, I haven't told them this yet, because, you know, spur of the moment, but I'm going to rope in all of the bloggers who were going to participate previously, but then also, we're going to have a contest. A CONTEST. Wheeeeee! If you want to be a part of the book, you'll have the opportunity to submit an entry. I'll blackmail a few people into serving as judges, and we'll pick the stuff we think fits best for publication in the book.

The theme of the book will be, "Sometimes Life is Funny," - and it will be a collection of funny stories from women around the country. I'll give you more specifics in the next few days, once I calm down enough to actually think of specifics.

In the meantime, if you think you might be interested in participating, let me know in the comments. WOOT!

PS: I can't believe I just said WOOT.

PPS: My friend Terri (from THIS post) called me and left a message. And you guys, I CALLED HER BACK! I left a message, then (I swear it's true) I CALLED HER BACK AGAIN and actually SPOKE to her. Using words and everything! She wasn't mad, not even a little bit, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. YAY for friends, and YAY for positive peer pressure from the internet. :>

Give A Little Bit

I'll have a regular (well, maybe not regular - more like rambling) post up later, but I wanted to be sure that you all know about some of the really cool stuff going on today to help raise funds for NieNie.

Over at CJane's place, they're auctioning off a a BYU helmet and/or football signed by the entire 2008-09 roster.

Her sister-in-law Judy is auctioning off a guitar signed by Maroon 5, and Maroon 5 tickets. (Her brother is IN Maroon 5.)

Meanwhile, over at Design Mom, there are cartloads of auctions going on. She has a whole list of people who are donating things you can buy or bid on.

All of the funds go directly to NieNie's recovery fund.

I want to auction something off, but I unfortunately have no crafting talent, no connections, and even less money, so I'm kind of stuck asking you all to please, please follow the links and check out their auctions and/or donate.

I'm donating my blog ad revenue and commissions for the next couple of months to the fund, so if you want an easy and free way to help, please check out my ad sponsors by clicking on the BlogHer ad, and if you need to buy something from Amazon, it would be awesome if you would click on the Amazon ad on my blog to get to their site before you make your purchase.

And even if you don't feel like participating, please don't miss this beautiful post from CJane. Seriously, there are no words. I'm completely in love with their family, and with all of the people in the blogosphere who have been so selfless and willing to help. It's a beautiful thing.

Ways To Be Dumb - Walking Edition

• Sometimes, when you are walking and listening to your Ticked Off playlist on your IPOD, you will feel the urge to kick some serious butt, and you will need to do some spontaneous karate chops and perhaps some boxing (depending upon how long it has been since you last saw Miss Congeniality). This is why it's important to go walking AFTER DARK.
• Sometimes, when walking through the very dark park on the very dark trail you will feel the urge to stop and warn your would-be attackers not to mess with you, by turning around, karate chopping the air and saying, "I SEE YOU. I KNOW YOU ARE THERE. I WILL KILL YOU. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING." (For best results, say this in a very deep, evil sounding voice. This will scare away any would-be attackers and/or small children.)
• Sometimes you will get super super paranoid and you will all of a sudden break into a fast run, just to throw your would-be attackers off balance.
• Sometimes you will get very winded because hey, out of shape, and you will decide it makes more sense to just hide.
• Sometimes you will hide behind a tree and then you will realize, hey freak job, there's nobody there. But then you will think, WAIT, what if that's just what they WANT me to think, so you will wait there for another couple of minutes, just to be on the safe side.
• Eventually the need to pee will outweigh the need to be a total whack-a-doodle scaredy cat, and you will scurry off, heading for the safety of home as fast as your cowardly little carcass can carry you.

I Can't Stop Looking

I highly recommend kicking off every diet with a savage case of intestinal flu. Seven pounds in two days, SCORE! (Don't tell me it's water weight, I can't hear you, LA LA LA LA LA!)

I haven't been able to blog for the past few days. I'm mostly over the flu - it's not that. I just can't stop thinking about Stephanie and Christian Nielson's plane crash.

I don't even know her. I've only read her blog a couple of times. But I'm horrified by the accident all the same. I keep going back to her blog, looking at the pictures, trying to make it make sense that someone who was posting about decorating her house and going to a baseball game one minute could be recovering from a plane crash the next.

Maybe it's because experiencing a plane crash is one of my worst fears and I'm projecting. Maybe it's because it's confirmation that life is incredibly fragile. Maybe I'm becoming one of those horrible rubberneckers. Maybe it's just normal human compassion. I don't know. I just know that I look at her blog and it doesn't seem possible that the vivid girl in the pictures could possibly be lying in a hospital bed in a burn unit in Arizona.

Stephanie has burns over 80% of her body, and her husband is burned on a third of his. They have four very young children. A fund has been set-up to help pay their medical expenses, and if you are so inclined, you can donate by clicking on the Donate to NieNie button shown below.

I'll be back on Monday with a regular post.

HEY...

Some of you out there may be familiar with NieNie's lovely blog. NieNie (Stephanie) and her husband Christian were in a plane crash on Saturday evening. Her sister CJane is providing updates on Stephanie and Christian's condition and recovery.

If you're the praying sort, please include them in your prayers tonight. Huge virtual hugs go out to CJane and her family right now.

COMMENTS OFF

Here Is What I Hate About Being Fat

Where to start.

1) In my head, I'm totally a blonde, blue eyed, 23 year old ingenue, and it always surprises me when I walk by a mirror, like, AAAAAACK! (That picture up there at the top of the blog where I look almost average sized? Outdated by about 25 pounds.) (It's been a stressful year, shut up.)

2) If you are me, which I am, you sometimes feel the need to make jokes about how fat you are, which is just a HORRIBLE thing to do to people. I mean, way to make everyone feel awkward. If they laugh, they're jerks, and if they don't laugh, then it's like they're acknowledging the truth of the statement. What are they supposed to say? "You're not fat?"

3) Yes. That is what you are supposed to say. Even if your friend is 350 pounds, if she says "I'm so fat," the correct response is a quick, automatic, "You're not fat," with a change of subject. Don't worry. You're not enabling her. The thing is - she already knows she's fat. CRAZY TALK, I know. And if you don't say anything, or if you say, "Here, let me give you the number for Jenny Craig," she will drive straight home and eat another gallon of Ben and Jerry's. And yes, I agree that true friends should be able to say anything to each other. Just - not that.

4) I don't appreciate it when my skinny friends give me dieting tips. If I bring the topic up, which I don't all that often, because HELLO, it's not like I need to call attention to it, they will sometimes (gingerly and in a loving way) try to give me weight loss advice. This is annoying because, HELLO again, I know how to lose weight. I've lost my entire body weight, twice (spread out over time, obviously - I'm not MAGIC). I've read every weight loss/healthy lifestyle book known to man. I know about lifestyle change. I know about exercise. I know about muscle mass. I know, I know, I know, I know. I KNOW! I just... ...really like to eat.

A Few of the Diets I've Been On: Weight Watchers, Body for Life, Atkins, the South Beach Diet, Carbohydrate Addicts Diet, the Rotation Diet, the Cabbage Soup diet, and the Diet Dr. Pepper-Fasting-Chewing Gum diet.

Once I talked to a doctor about it, and she actually said, "What you need to do is stop eating so much and exercise." And then on a little pad she wrote Eat less, exercise more.

I stared at her. "Holy mackerel. I have never heard this before. I think you may have just unlocked the door to weightloss for all mankind."

No, I didn't say that. Actually, I just muttered, "That's harder than it looks," which led to talking about my unhealthy obsession with food, which led to her prescribing me an ACTUAL diet drug - phentermine. It was AWESOME. I lost 40 pounds in eight weeks AND I barely ever had to sleep. I was so productive, I can't even tell you. My throat was hoarse from never shutting up, all day long. But eventually Dr. Jerkface made me go off of it, and I gradually gained it all back. (Big surprise.)

5) Highland doesn't have fat people, other than me. I'm SPECIAL. But I love all of my skinny friends, and I never judge them for being all fit and healthy and semi-obsessed with running triathalons. My heart is big. I do not discriminate against the fit. I love ALL sizes (even the 2s and 4s! See? I'm a giver!)

But it would be nice to have a fat friend. It's sometimes nice to have a friend who is fatter than you, so that you can feel like the skinny one. This is a politically incorrect but still true truth. I don't do this anymore (LIE), but when I was younger I cycled between normal and chubby on a regular basis, and if I was with a fat friend, I'd constantly assess our relative fatness, wondering "Do I look like that? Am I that fat? Is she fatter? Or am I fatter? Huh. I think she's fatter." And if my friend was fatter, I felt way more comfortable out in public, because, yeah, I might be fat, but at least I wasn't as fat as her. And then lightning would come down out of the sky and strike me dead, because MAN, that's awful.

But anyway. I feel gross. I've gotten to my gross set point, and I'm ready for a change. (Yes again.) (The folks over at the weight loss blog I started and promptly abandoned are all snickering at me, I know. But I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME.)

So - LIFESTYLE CHANGE, HERE I COME. WOOHOO. Yippee. I'm SO excited. or something.

And now I'm trying to figure out how to go about this, so what I'm wondering is - anyone ever eaten a tapeworm?

P.S. I'm KIDDING, don't send me gross pictures. BLECK.

P.P.S. Don't worry fat acceptance people, I'm not down on myself because of my weight. I know that I am STILL FABULOUS. I'm a basically happy person. My weight is not constantly on my mind (um, food however...). It only bothers me every third Tuesday, when my jeans refuse to zip up. I don't let my weight define me, blah blah blah. Whatever.

At Long Last I've Found My Exercise Twin

(Or at least she would be my exercise twin, if I ever exercised.)

http://www.here-in-idaho.com/2008/08/01/narrative-of-a-not-quite-triathloner/

Hahahahahahahaha (deep breath) hahahahahahaha

I found her through one of my imaginary blog friends, Beck.

Stalking will commence...... NOW.


COMMENTS OFF

Ten Things I Would Do To My House If I Won The Lottery And Was Forced At Gunpoint To Spend The Cash On Frivolous But Awesome Things

Hey, remember that one time? When I had a blog?

{{sheepishly darts eyes around}}

Yeah.

My husband is o.k. In fact, once he completes physical therapy, he'll be right as rain! At least that's what they keep telling us! He'll be one hundred percent if what you mean by one hundred percent is actually seventy-five percent without the ability to run or lift heavy objects! Or be a cop anymore! You know what?! This is a lot of exclamation points! And also I don't really feel like talking about this! As it turns out!

Besides, I have much much MUCH more important things on my mind right now (what with finding it necessary to imagine all of our problems clean away LA-LA-LA) and so instead of talking about medical problems (that AREN'T PROBLEMS AT ALL, NO SIREE, NO NEED FOR YOU TO TALK TO AN ATTORNEY, BECAUSE HE'S TOTALLY FINE, SORT OF) I will share with you my list.

(This presumes of course that someone is still around to actually READ the list, which I kind of doubt. Because my traffic has gone the way of the dodo bird and in the last week I have commented exactly NOWHERE and I have returned exactly ZERO emails. I am BLOGGING PARIAH, hear me roar.)

(Um... Dodo birds are extinct, right? I'm gonna feel stupid if they aren't extinct.)

Ahem. Drumroll please...

1. I would do what these people did. COOLEST PARENTS IN THE UNIVERSE. I wish they would adopt me. (No offense mom.) I would do everything these parents did. (Except the slide would start in MY room.) And I would have multiple secret passageways, just because, and one of those fireplaces that turns around when you pull on the secret books.

2. I would have a library just like the one in Beauty and the Beast, with rolling ladders, a roaring fireplace and huge comfy chairs to sit in.

3. My kitchen would sport a soda machine with an endless supply of Diet Dr. Pepper.

4. Indoor rollerblading rink with disco mirror ball and cheesy dj music.

5. Indoor ICESKATING rink with disco mirror ball and cheesy dj music.

6. Folding Laundry Robot

7. The most awesome secret karaoke stage ever made, complete with live top-secret bound to secrecy studio audience I could summon at will (who would always clap and cheer enthusiastically for me and be appropriately amazed at my artistry).

(In real life I've only ever been to karaoke once, and I didn't sing because I felt like a total cheeseball. I'm not sure how to cross the karaoke line. It's so show-offy. I think you might have to be really drunk to have the full karaoke experience, and I don't drink.)

(Sometimes though, I think if I actually went to karaoke? I would TOTALLY SECRETLY LOVE IT. I would pretend like I didn't probably, because showing off is not cool, and when/if you do it, it's supposed to be with the attitude of aren't-we-silly and isn't-this-fun and oh-I-feel-so-stupid, but inside I'd secretly think it was completely awesome and I'd probably be all divaish like "THIS IS TOTALLY MY MOMENT - SILENCE CROWD" and I'd just be so embarrassed for myself later on, I know it. It's kind of how I feel about talent shows. And I would never suggest going to karaoke for girls night out because suggesting it would make me look (even more) like a goober.)

(Um. No offense to people reading who actually go karaoking. YOU'RE not goobers. It's those OTHER people.)

(Also, CALL ME!!)

What were we talking about? Oh, right.

8. Swiss Family Robinson Tree House

9. Closet just like Cher in Clueless with built in mismatch buzzer for outfits that are a really bad idea, i.e., most of my outfits, if they could even be called outfits and not just random t-shirt with random pair of jeans.

10. Invisibility cloak.

(OK, possibly that's not exactly house related, but I would use it around the house to escape from my children, so I think it fits. And I think these people might be able to make one for me, eventually.)

So what's on your list?