Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I'm Not Sure If I Wrote This or Just DREAMED I Wrote It, ONLY TIME WILL TELL

Pin It Yesterday I went to bed at 5AM and got up for the day at 7 and hallucinated aaaaaall day long.

Last week I was very frustrated with my primary tech writing client. They were having some accounting issues and my invoices weren't getting paid, and as much as I like the people who I was working with, the situation quickly escalated in my mind from 'small accounting glitch' to 'HEAVENS TO MURGATROID you people are RUINING MY LIFE, and if you don't pay me IMMEDIATELY, I will pack up my toys and go home.' And then I kicked them in the shins and ran away.

I was angry enough that I pondered taking a full-time tech writing job at another company, so I spent last Friday night at the bookstore preparing for an interview by reading about network routing and packet switching and Linux implementations and wanting to hit myself over the head with a very large frying pan.

I ended up not taking the new job, partly because it would have been an actual out-of-the-house job, which doesn't really work for me at this stage of my kid's lives, and partly because my client and I made it up over ice cream (yum, chocolate sauce) and a large boost in my hourly rate, but the boredom of those hours at the bookstore, hours of my life that I will never get back, got me thinking about dream jobs I would like to have.

PROFESSIONAL ICE SKATER:
I don't really know how to ice skate, but I just have this feeling that I would be totally awesome at it. Every time I watch the Olympics or the Nationals or whatever, I feel so sorry for the ice skaters because I know if I was an ice skater I would totally kick their trash. I can really feel the music in my soul and I think they would probably say things like, "WOW, she is so expressive and lyrical and dramatic. Look at her go!" Possibly there would be jazz hands involved.

LITERARY AGENT:
This one I think is kind of do-able. TRUE, technically I never graduated from college, and ok, FINE, I don't know anything about being an agent or about publishing in general, but it sounds like something I could totally do. How hard could it be? Quick everyone, send me your manuscripts - I will reject them just like all of those other agents, but I will do it with FLAIR. I will be like Query Shark, but not quite so grumpy.

LIFE COACH:
I would really like to be a life coach. I would teach women how to be awesome and the name of my company would be "YOU CAN BE AWESOME LIKE ME, INC." Lessons would include things like how to start a blog (people who blog are just generally more awesome than people who do not blog - this is a true fact), how to quickly eat a lot of various food products (TOTAL TIMESAVER), and how to become generally oblivious (oblivious people are WAY HAPPIER).

FROZEN YOGURT SALES CLERK:
I did this for a while back in high school and trust me when I say it was awesome. My friend Michelle and I worked at Suzie's Frozen Yogurt. I ate that place into the GROUND, I'm not even kidding. Whenever I go to Golden Spoon now, I totally scorn the people who are working there, because what do they know about making a waffle cone? In my day we had to fry our own freaking waffle cones. AMATEURS.

77 comments:

  1. Finally some meaningful life coaching that isn't regurgitated psychobabble :)

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  2. You got two whole hours of sleep?
    I'm so jealous!

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  3. OMGosh, I'm the first in line! YAY. Nani nani boo boo to everyone who is in bed right now cause it's middle of the night on the mainland, while I'm here wide awake on a tropical island.

    Okay, since I'm all by my lonesome in here I'm just going to stretch out, drink my pina colada jamba juice and make myself comfortable.

    First. Ha ha ha. You are too funny.
    Second. Welcome back! We've missed you.
    Third. Do the literary agent thing cuz then you could be my literary agent for my new book, The Covenant. (Okay, you probably don't get that cuz you don't read my blog, but I already had one pre-sale)
    Fourth. I used to work a the Golden Spoon, so watch your mouth, girl. (Or was it the Golden Fork? )

    Anyway, I could say more, but I just had this frightening thought that maybe someone else is commenting right now and then they'll be first in line!

    Gotta go!

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  4. First of all, while being a professional figure skater would be really cool, you would run the risk of having someone bash you in the knee with a pipe, but then everyone would feel sorry for you and let you go to the Olympics anyway, and you would get to be on Saturday Night Live, and all the talk shows and everything, so in the end it would probably be worth it.
    I have actually hallucinated when sleep deprived. I was sitting at my desk at work when I (thought) I saw smoke pouring out from the corner of my cubicle. I wondered if I should tell anyone about this, but decided against it, and the place didn't burn down, so I assume that I was just seeing things.
    I tend to ramble when I haven't had enough sleep. I'm quite tired now, can you tell?

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  5. I'd make the BEST ambassador.

    I'd make the best just about anything.

    Sigh. It's a wonder I make it through my days at all with all the amazing things I could be doing instead of what I actually do.

    Did that make sense? I have no idea.

    I've been awake a long time.

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  6. My untapped ice skating potential totally dwarfs your untapped ice skating potential.

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  7. I'd like to be an architect or maybe Nancy Drew.

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  8. I just want to know what you hallucinated. I bet it's funny. The last time I did, I saw a bat. That was scary, even though it wasn't there.

    I want you as a literary agent AND a life coach. I'm half oblivious and half contemplative. I would prefer 100% oblivity.

    Oh and okay fine. I would watch you ice skate too.

    Do it all.

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  9. I'd work at Chick Fil A because I love chicken sandwiches. and waffle fries. and diet coke. and their ice cream.

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  10. I dreamed of being an ice-skater for YEARS as a child. The fact that I didn't have an athletic bone in my body did nothing to shatter the illusion that it was clearly my life's calling. Nor did the fact that I have never even seen ice skates in person give me a moment's pause. I think I have always been delusional.

    Obviously, I need you as my life coach. :o)

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  11. Mmm, I spent a lot of time as a child wanting to be an astronaut. Not for all of the science and math parts - I would just be the awesome person they would sent out to make contact with other life forms. Like Star Trek, but with better clothes.

    I think I would also settle for being a professional blogger, who gets paid for it (like you recently talked about). Unfortunately, it turns out there's already a glut of fun loving, unique Mormon Mommy Bloggers out there, so I guess I'll just have to invent a new, single and tormented persona now that My Super Hopeless Romance is done.

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  12. This post totally made me laugh. I'd love to be an ice skater, too, but you probably would kick my trash!

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  13. I loved the waffle cones but hated the way my clothes and hair smelled after making them...that sickeningly sweet scent lingered and by the time I got home from work I couldn't wait to change clothes and add more Aqua-net to the HIGH BANGS to KILL the smell.

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  14. Samantha Brown.

    What the heck? I *know* I can pack a suitcase better than just about anybody, I am waaaay picky about bathrooms in general -so I would be a great adviser as to which fancy hotels actually have the best ones, and add in the whole "age is wisdom" shtick, and I'd be the bomb.

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  15. I always wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer but I am stymied because, well, A) I can't dance and B) the show's been off the air for twenty years or something now.

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  16. I, too, was what I call a "Yogurt Artist" at TCBY. We also made our own waffle cones, but my favorite was decorating the Yogurt cakes. I can't believe they let me do that! Best job ever. People are generally happy when they're getting yogurt.

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  17. Life coach? Oh I so want that job. But really I guess I need to caoch my life through first.

    What about professional Blog reader/commenter? I could handle that. Fun, interesting, and can be done in your pj's.

    Have a great day!

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  18. Frustrated ballerina here, although I'm not sure I could hoist my weight over the toe shoes these days...

    Second choice: singer/songwriter (soulful, of course)

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  19. I would so hire you as my life coach. Wanna know why? because at least we would have a great laugh. Doesn't laughing make life all that much easier to handle?

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  20. You never cease to amuse me!!

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  21. That's what's missing from figure skating today - no jazz hands.

    Great list. :-)

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  22. Ahhh, Sue...your writing is always good for a morning guffaw. (And snorting whatever I'm drinking up my nose when I laugh at something that takes me by surprise. Like the Professional Ice Skater).

    Way funny, girl. I think your technical writing serves to sharpen your blog writing. Funny stuff.

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  23. Maybe you could be a life coach to those sorry ice skaters.

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  24. I wouldn't want to be an ice skater because of the costumes. I mean, it would have been cute when I was sixteen and skinny but now? I would single-handedly (with the help of a massive cheek or two) ruin the "sport" of professional figure skating by driving people away from their TVs in droves.

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  25. I like to think I'd be an awesome figure skater too, even though the last time I went I fell on my face. And I could probably give you a run for your money on the frozen yogurt thing. I DOMINATED the soft serve scene in high school - no one made a better looking cone at the store where I worked.

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  26. The 2 richest people in the country do not have college degrees.

    Take a nap!

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  27. I think you should be a blogger. You would be really good at it. Just a thought.

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  28. when my manuscript is done I'm totally sending it to you.

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  29. Would part of the life coaching involve drinking wine and managing NOT to eat the ENTIRE round of brie? I hope so.

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  30. You know, I worked at the Dairy Queen in my younger, trimmer years and now every time I go there, I'm appalled at the lack of signature DQ curl on the cones and sundaes. Sheesh! Kids these days!

    I just thought of something. Could it be that my younger, trimmer years were a result of working at DQ? Maybe the ice cream boosted my metabolism! I should go more often!!

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  31. We must be blog soulmates today cause my last post was called, "Only Time will Tell" also!

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  32. Those hours at the bookstore sound very appealing to me... of course, I am a software engineer and deal with that kind of thing every day. ;-)

    Figure skater and life coach sound like interesting choices. But if I had my wish I'd love to be a ski instructor. It means I would have to get better at skiing myself but I think it would be so much fun. And I'd have the entire summer off to spend with Princess!

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  33. If you go with the Figure Skater then you could wear awesome outfits and skate to really cool music...

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  34. SKI INSTRUCTOR. I SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT.

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  35. Mattress tester.

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  36. You only slept 2 hours and still was able to pump out this amazing post.

    I personally loathe/love you.

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  37. Hey, we should go into business together!

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  38. I used to be a sandwich artist, so I'm pretty sure that could easily transfer to yogurt artist.
    But I'd really rather work in another medium.
    Maybe pudding.

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  39. um if you want life coach lessons talk to my hub, he does it for REALZ

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  40. I wanted to be a spy. Unfortunately my mom said no.

    Sometimes, though, I like to pretend I am in deep cover as a rural Midwestern housewife. Then I drive really fast down our dirt road because the bad guys are in hot pursuit after my cover has been blown.

    This is usually when one of my kids bops me in the back of the head with a Hot Wheel/Polly Pocket/graham cracker, which usually snaps me back to semi-reality.

    I highly suspect they are double agents sent here to distract me from my secret mission.

    On a more positive (and sane) note: Cordy is back everyone!

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  41. Glad things all worked out for you! and great choices for dream jobs! LOL

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  42. Being a fellow frozen yogurt store alumnus, I too scorn the kids at Golden Spoon who act like it's JUST SO HARD to ensure that my topping is not falling out of my cup. We didn't fry our own waffle cones, but we DID blend our own shakes and make smoothies. We even had to create smoothies. We had a smoothie-creating contest and whoever's smoothie sold the most won. I won. (I didn't get a prize, though, just a smoothie on the board named after me- The Wendelicious. But some would argue that was prize enough. Not me. I wanted money.)

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  43. I worked in a yogurt store in high school too. My fingers are still sore from those damn waffle cones.

    I know all about the generous sampling by store employees. Our store's owners installed security cameras aiming straight at the yogurt machines (not at the cash register or front door). I think they were onto us.

    Did you ever have to clean out and grease the yogurt machines? That was a nasty job.

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  44. You just dreamed you wrote this, sorry. Only a sleeping person would want to be a professional ice skater, they only get paid in medals, and walmart doesn't take medals, well, not 100% attendance medals that I won in 3rd grade anyway.

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  45. oops I forgot my fireworks

    *mary*

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  46. I suppose if life coaching doesn't involve learning to use the phone...

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  47. Love the idea of thinking up some dream jobs. I could see you doing any of the things you mentioned, but I definitely want to see the jazz hands in your ice skating routine.
    I can't believe you only had two hours of sleep. That's worse than having a newborn baby and not getting any sleep.

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  48. When I finish my manuscript I am so knocking on your door.

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  49. I would be a food critic. Eat food. Write a couple of declarative sentences. Easy peesy. And did I mention the food??

    Getting paid to eat! That's my dream job!

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  50. There is absolutely no reason why you can't be ALL of these things. In fact, you would probably not fulfill your eternal potential if you don't do it all. I noticed that you wasted 2 of your last 24 hours by *sleeping*. If you would stop being lazy like that, I'm sure you could accomplish all these career goals in NO time. You go girl.

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  51. Also, does life coaching even count as a real job? I mean, I KNOW people are life coaches and all, but isn't that kind of a made-up profession, like being a unicorn trainer? Can't anyone call themselves a life coach? I mean, I'm a mom, so I should absolutely get to claim "life coach" on my resume. In fact, I think I will next time.

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  52. One last comment (because over-commenting is fun): the best dream job ever is to be a spa critic. You get paid to get massages and facials and pedicures and salt scrubs. BEST JOB EVER.

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  53. so funny, great laugh, needed it today, thanks ever so!

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  54. Brielle6:31 PM

    Please please please be my life coach... and if that doesn't work out, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE teach the world how to be responsible with their jazz hands!!!

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  55. I had hoped personally do be a meteorologist or an astronomer.. that way I have excuses for staring into the sky day-dreaming. "I'M WORKIN' HERE!" :)

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  56. You never disappoint, thanks for yet another great laugh.

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  57. I think I could do that life coach thing too. And I'd totally fry my own sugar cones if I ran a yogurt shop. So, how come nobody's paying us for this stuff?

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  58. You are hilarious. One of my favorite blog writers ever. I go months without reading many blogs, but I always have to come back to yours to catch up!

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  59. Just like when Wesley tells Buttercup that there's a shortage of perfect breasts, we have you to remind us about the shortage of perfect waffle cones. The world needs more reminders like that.

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  60. I always wanted to be a professional ice skater too! Whats the status on the book?

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  61. The book is in progress. It's a big job.

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  62. Oblivious people ARE way happier. It's true.
    I have lots of back-up career plans, in case this whole stay-at-home loafing thing doesn't pan out:
    1) Hobo.
    2) Spunky girl detective. AS I get older, I'm going to switch this up for spunky elder detective, ala Jessica Fletcher.
    3) Artist, which will mainly involve me looking hot in a smock and my hair pinned up with paint brushes.

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  63. I think Olympic ice skater is the way to go. After all, they only "work" for a grand total of what, like 5 minutes every four years??

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  64. Any news on the Nie book?

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  65. I would pay a subscription to read your blog. Freals.

    Until I read this post, I'd never quite acknowledged for myself the particular cognitive dissonance I experience when watching ice skating, but now I understand: It's the mental confusion of simultaneously knowing I can barely skate without falling down, and yet also knowing, deep down, that I could totally do it better than they could. I love you for expressing this principle so well. I almost feel life-coached.

    (Of course, I could have been hallucinating that I even read this, since I went on a red-eye flight last night and tried to sleep while seated next to a man with the worst body odor and halitosis I have ever encountered in anyone other than a homeless person (and I'm NOT talking about my husband, who was sitting on the other side of me, and who was only moderately smelly.) Trying to sleep in a hard airplane chair while inhaling eye-stingingly noxious odors through a pregnant-level-sensitive nose taught me that if I ever have a job that requires a lot of travel, it had better also be a job that pays well enough to only fly first class.

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  66. (I think I could also be good at any job that involved complaining as an indirect form of bragging -- since that miserable red-eye was at least a FLIGHT HOME FROM HAWAII, WHERE I WENT WITH MY HUSBAND AND NO KIDS. And yes, I am shutting up *right now.*)

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  67. I've spent at least 40 years trying to be a life coach; but no one ever listens to me, because what does mom know? Sorry I never provided ice skating lessons. You probably would have been the regional champ and won huge trophies at a young age. But I think anyone who has gone through a year like yours and come out with the the house you love, happy kids, and a healthy marriage could give life advice to half the world (or more).

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  68. I'm glad things worked out with your client AND you got a raise. Those jobs sound pretty awesome. :)

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  69. Reminds me of that line from the movie version of Pride and Prejudice (the good one):

    "If I had ever learned, I would have been a proficient." (Lady Catherine)

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  70. Ok. I looked up the quote, and I got it (slightly) wrong. And it is from the book:

    "If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient."

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  71. Since you turned off comments on your more recent posts, I was forced to read a few more posts.

    Let me say I LOVE your Hopless Romance blog, and in my new blog (which has no visitors yet) I defended you... because you are a brilliant writer and who cares that Cordy is made up... even middle aged men got into her drama... because we all wish we could go back, but we can't.

    Ha! You ROCK my dear and now that I have been introduced to your personal blog I will be sure to come visit.

    AND PLEASE GET BACK TO THAT STORY. I need to know how it ends.

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  72. BWAAAHAHAHAHA! You seriously make me laugh. You're just awesome. That is all. lol

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  73. I'm with you on the fro-yo bit. I used to work at Marble Slab Creamery so now, whenever I walk into a Coldstone (since there are no MSCs in NYC) I scorn them for not having burn marks on their forearms from waffle cone machines!

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  74. tell me everything you know about having an awesome blog. i just started one and i could really use some guidance. i love love love your writing style. you crack me up!

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  75. "HEAVENS TO MURGATROID"?

    I thought only my mom said that.

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