- I got in an accident today and put a crack in my front bumper. It would be deja vu, except that this time I was driving the brand new truck. SCORE!
- Bonus: It was all my fault. I was watching the light, and it changed, and so I went, but the car in front of me? Did not.
- I got four hours of sleep last night.
- I have a large zit right between my eyes. It's gross, and people can't help but look at it, because it's RIGHT THERE.
- The reason I have a zit in the first place is because I tried to wax my own eyebrows. Plucking was taking a really long time, so I got some over the counter strips, because really, how hard could it be?
- VERY HARD. I not only aggravated the skin between my eyebrows, I literally ripped off the skin below my left brow. I have SCABS below my eyebrow now. It is NOT ATTRACTIVE.
- The day I ripped my eye parts open, I had to meet with a group of engineers. My eye was totally swollen, and my wounds hadn't scabbed over yet. I looked like I'd been sucker-punched. The engineers were all concerned about me. I didn't want to tell them how I'd really hurt my eye, so I lied and said my son hit me in the eye with a softball. Unfortunately, since they are ENGINEERS, they were very curious and wanted to know more, like - how did a softball cut your eye, and why is there only swelling on the top, and how come your eyeball isn't all jacked up too, and after a few minutes I cracked and blurted out something like, oh for the love of pete, I WAS LYING, I WAS LYING, OK? They were clearly all thinking that my husband was responsible, so I had to admit the truth. Humiliation.
- Now they all giggle when they see me and they keep sending me instant messages saying things like, "Hey, how's that EYE?" I'm guessing that this will not get old for them for a very, very long time.
- My son has an explosive poo illness.
- I have too much work to do and it's making my imagination die a slow, painful death..
- My kids were dancing to the Prince of Egypt soundtrack this afternoon when "Thus Saith The Lord" came on, which is a really kind of awesomely scary and intense song, and so of course I pretended to be a blind zombie robot (as you do). My daughter thought this was hilarous and fun, and so, egged on, I added scary stomping and very loud crazy singing, which totally terrified my three year old. He burst into tears and sat on my lap, shaking. "You're freakin' me out Mom. You're totally freakin' me out."
- Oops.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Things That Are Making Me Grouchy
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I just cancelled my Brazilian ;-)
ReplyDeletep.s. you almost made me choke on my PB&J.
You are making me wake up my children. And my stomach muscles are getting sore.
ReplyDeleteSorry that I am laughing at your pain.
I keep getting looks because I have two killer doorknob bruises on my forearms. (Not that I space off sometimes. It's just that from time to time it's difficult to remember where I put the door and I mis-estimate a bit.)It's too hot to wear a long sleeved shirt, so people will just have to wonder if the man beats me.
It's really rude of people not to move right away when the light turns green. Are you sure she didn't back into you?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your son's explosive poo illness.
If it makes you feel any better, my three year old son threw up on me today. He had just finished off two full sippy cups of milk. He went around all day saying "the yucky milk comed out of my mouth and goed on mom's green shirt."
Yeah, I'm a little grouchy too.
You're freakin' us out, too. But in a good way.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I once went on a trip and forgot my tweezers. While traveling, I discovered an eyebrow hair that HAD TO GO. Immediately. So I did what any insane woman would do, I tried to shave the hair off. And cut myself. So then I had a scab under my eyebrow. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteAs one who is considering getting my eyebrows waxed for the very first time (yes, yes I DO live in a cave, as a matter of fact), I appreciate the nudge toward having it done professionally.
ReplyDeleteWow.
Ha! Laughing insanely over here. Not AT you, though. Totally with you. Really. You are laughing, right?
ReplyDeleteThose engineers. They have razor sharp wits, no?
ReplyDeletePoor little guy all freaked out by you! LOL When I was raising my niece and nephew a little over ten years ago, they were four and three respectively. At the time, I didn't listen to the gentlest of music; one day while playing with the kids in the living room and listening to my music (I was only 14) a sort of eerie song came on - I thought it would e fun to widen my eyes and slowly move toward my nephew on my knees like a zombie. Yeah, that wasn't the smartest thing to do around a three year old, in retrospect. He was rather scared. :(
ReplyDeleteBTW, your Mormon Mommy Blogs "button thingie" is SO cute!!
You need to write every single day! Love the witty, sarcastic way you write and you make me smile! I know we would be BFF if we lived close...but since you are there and I am here, we can pretend, right? Carolyn
ReplyDeleteOnce, I went skiing and the sun was so intense that it reflected up off the snow and gave me an intense sunburn on the underside of my nose. With blisters and all.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, the next day? I had to conduct a bunch of interviews. With a bandage underneath my nose. So glamorous.
*hugs* and keep writing, it makes the rest of us feel better. You have an obligation ;)
The eyebrow story? Easily my favorite of all blog posts this week.
ReplyDeleteEven professional waxing frightens me. I go for threading. I just curl my toes and hold my breath and in a few minutes, it's over. Thank goodness!
Spots, explosive poo and home waxing trauma?
ReplyDeleteYour week can only get better from there.
Only you can make waxing your eyebrows into a hilarious post.
ReplyDeleteFor me it would have ended in tears. And seclusion.
I am soooo tired, but you made me laugh. Thank you. How is the eye?
ReplyDeleteThat definitely sounds like a recipe for grouchiness. I hope things look up.
ReplyDeleteI tried to wax my own brows once. I ended up with a hole the size of Montreal in one of them. oops.
ReplyDeleteMAH hahahahahahahahaha! Snerf!
ReplyDeleteNext time you wax, either professionally or at home, eat a few tums about an hour before the trauma. Valuable trick learned the hard way. Do this and you will not get the scabby trauma, I have no idea why it works... but it does.
Thanks for the warning on the home eyebrow waxing kits. I, too, have thought, "How hard can it be?" Now I know. Thanks for taking the bullet for me.
ReplyDeleteAt least it wasn't the home wax version of a Brazilian...
ReplyDeleteLets leave it at that.
You think YOU'VE had a bad day?! What about the person you hit with your car, ME! My grandmother gave me that car and the last thing she said to me just moments before she died was "Please Mary, don't ever let anyone hit that car. ESPECIALLY from the back when you're stopped at a red light."
ReplyDeleteEven if it cost a hundred bucks, I would still pay to have someone else wax my eyebrows because I know myself way too well to go anywhere near my eyeball with hot wax. It's amazing the damage I've been able to do with just dull eyeliners...
ReplyDeleteHilarious. Am I bad for laughing at your day? I love reading it. Thanks for all you are and do. It's great for the rest of us!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have written that post, we are tote sisters from another life
ReplyDeleteOkay, I've been tempted to step my tweezing up to plucking - thank you for being my "cautionary tale". I will continue to pluck.
ReplyDeleteSee? Life might be a big ole mess but you still are a force for good in this world. Love ya babe. Hope you have a string of GOOD luck soonly.
I'm sorry you are gumpy but your post brought tears to my eyes, especially the story with the engineers...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that I have laughed at all of your list.
ReplyDeleteI have ripped someone's eyes off before. I actually do waxing for a living. She was taking medication for acne and didn't tell me. At first I thought it was wax still on her skin cause it was shiny, then I realized the top layer of skin was gone. Oops, your wax may have been to cool as well.
My son also just had explosive poop. We were in big lots, my husband picked him up and then he was covered too. I had to strip and change my son on the bathroom floor since there was no changing table while my husband "showered" in the sink in the other restroom then we had to buy new clothes while there and I dressed him at the checkout. Yeah, that was a good day.
You have the funniest way of telling a story. LOL!!! I wish I had half your sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteI hope your eye feels better soon! That's the prime example why I leave my eyebrows the heck alone and even if I'm deluding myself they look just fine untouched, they're FINE untouched. LOL
I have been in that exact same accident. I say it's the person in front's fault. Hello, Green mean go in America!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I, too, have had home eyebrow waxing drama...I'm still waiting for my left eyebrow to grow back to match my right one.
I think your son earned a good scare, in return for his "explosive poo" illness. hehehe
ReplyDeleteHope tomorrow is a better day! Either way, you're a talented writer and keeping all of US entertained...and that might have to be enough for today. :-D
ha ha ha... I loved that they kept contacting you to see how it was doing? and that they were all over the "Softball" scenario.
ReplyDeleteI love when little kids use grown-ups phrases.
ReplyDeleteI tried waxing my own brows once. Didn't pull off skin, but it left globs of wax on that would not come off. I had to go out in public to a beauty supply to get wax remover. And yes, I saw several people who had quite a good laugh over my misfortune!
ReplyDeletemy husband is an engineer and i was totally busting a gut... that is so true... i can't get away with anything... it was nice of you to bail your husband out of their suspicions... mine hates meeting me for OB appointments because if he doesn't get there before I go back they make him wait until i say it's ok for him to come back, like he's "some sort of woman beating rapist". Every once in a while i'm tempted to get all dramatic and put on a big show like i'm afraid to let him back, but more afraid to not. sooo tempting...
ReplyDeleteI have a zit on right on the edge of my bottom lip and it looks like a cold sore. Ew. I haven't had one of those since Jr. High.
ReplyDeleteAnd school just started yesterday. So now everyone knows me as cold sore girl.
My little sister even blurted, "AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A COLD SORE!!!" at me after I raised my voice at her for not being part of the blogging world.
I had to correct her, "IT'S A ZIT!!! A PIMPLE!!!!! I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE A COLD SORE!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!"
If you chance to meet a frown....
ReplyDeleteEh, go ahead be grouchy. One of my favorite Sesame Street characters is Oscar. He's real, yk? I mean even when Elmo gets angry you can't really tell.
Sorry about the eye wax. I must say I giggled though. Thanks for the laugh.
May the grouchies go away soon.
I didn't know engineers could laugh that much at something :)
ReplyDeleteCan you please stop making me pee my pants? (with laughter, not because I had to go and you had too much to say and I didn't make it in time)
ReplyDeleteSorry about the eyes. And poo. And accident. And zombie freak out. And too much work....
gee, lady! Take a vacation!
Sue, you are so funny!
ReplyDeleteMost of your day I can't hold a candle to.
ReplyDeleteBut.
I have a zit right under the center of my nose. It looks like I forgot to wipe my nose!!! It's disgusting!! LOL
oh susie! (can i call you susie?) you always give me a good pre-bedtime laugh. especially because i have a trifecta of zits myself. and they're all on the left side of my head: forehead, nose, chin. weird. i have this theory that one half of my body is bad-- like infected with something that somehow doesn't circulate everywhere. nope. just one half. sort of like bells palsy. but on the inside.
ReplyDeleteahem.
and no book? i'm sad. i was looking forward to it. how bout a pamphlet?
You are the best liar ever. No really. I totally would have bought the softball story.
ReplyDeleteAvoid the plucking pain--Oragel.
I'm sorry you freaked him out, but kind of secretly glad because I am cracking up right now, and read it to my husband, who is also laughing.
ReplyDeleteI AM the best liar ever. Seriously, I really am. Satan would be so proud.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling uneasy about that last comment. Now I'm worried Satan is totally coming for me.
ReplyDeleteSHOOT.
Could have warned you about the waxing and the strips. They are seriously dangerous! Also, my son did hit me in the eye, when he was 18 mo, with his head after taking a nose dive up in the air and back down on my bed where I was trying to rest. I had to work in court the whole week with a swollen eye and one whole side of my face was purple. The prosecutor asked me what happened and he did not believe me, probably because it wasn't juvenile court and you can't prosecute a toddler anyhow, but also because, WHO does that? I'm sure he thought it was my husband, but he would NEVER hurt me. Anyhow, hope tomorrow is better.
ReplyDeleteSue, I thought I already left a comment on this one, but I can't find it. I love your eyebrow waxing story. Can I use it in a collection of embarrassing moments I'm putting together? you can email me or let me know on my blog. ksbimagine@yahoo.com
ReplyDeletethanks!
I am not one to talk, seeing as I have never self-waxed anything other than my floor. (Come to think of it, I didn't even do that. Whoops! I lied!)
ReplyDeleteBut if the eyebrow taming turned out that way, I recommend you definitely stay away from the Neti Pot.
"You're totally freakin' me out." That's so precious. Love it. I need to train my little pint to say that.
ReplyDeleteJust start plucking and pluck everyday. When you do it everyday it doesn't hurt AT ALL. And you don't have to go through that ugly phase where you let the hairs grow in so they're long enough to wax. Ugh. I have black eyebrows so that would be all the more noticeable on me. Yucky yuk.
ok- i am commenting b/c i was guilted into it by your comment plea. :) highly amusing blog. my husband and i laughed our butts off at your pinata story. that is the way to go!!!!! (especially at a 3rd bday party)
ReplyDelete