Monday, December 17, 2007

The Birthday Party: A Parable

1 And on the 17th day of the twelfth month it came to pass that the daughter of the Queen turned five years old.

2 And behold, it was decreed that a festival should be held and that children should come to pay homage to the young princess.

3 And when the Queen beheld the large number of children in the land, and heard their cries, and saw their eagerness to attend the festival, she knew that she could not invite one save she invite all.

4 And behold, the Queen prophesied that a great number of children would be out of town, and so it came to pass that the Queen did invite a large number of children,yay, even five and twenty children, to the royal festival.

5 And lo, the royal treasury was bare, and so the Queen did visit the market of one hundred cents and did purchase all manner of goods for the royal festival, and behold, when she laid them before the King, he declared that they were good.


6 And behold, the Queen had prophesied incorrectly, and on the day of the royal festival a great number of children appeared, yay, even all children appeared, save only one, and they arrived bearing gifts and tidings of great joy.

7 And there was much decorating of baked goods, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, for the Queen had only one can of purple sprinkles, and there was no yellow frosting, and behold, this did make the children with baked cookies in star shapes exceedingly angry, and the Queen was afraid, for the noise which the children maketh, it did cause her to tremble and quake.



8 And behold their wrath was mighty and the Queen bowed down before them and did work to entice them, yay even to distract them with games and dance and merry making.

9 And behold, the royal dog was freakingeth out, and the Queen did place him in the royal garage, so that he might not pee himself, for so great was his anxiety because of the children.

10 And after much merry making, behold, the Queen looked at her devils food cake, and looked at the King, and cried, woe unto me, for this cake shall not feed such a great number, and thou must travel to the market, and purchase more cake to feed these children who have come to pay homage.

11 But lo, the King said, Nay, oh ye of little faith, fear not, for this cake shall be enough.

12 And the woman despaired, but she began to cut the cake.

13 And lo, there was much rejoicing in the land, for as it turnethed out, there was enough cake, and there were even some children in the land who did not like cake, but who desired only ice cream, and so the cake was enough to feed many children, even five and twenty children, and the news of this great miracle spread throughout the land.


14 And the King said, Woman, I have been called out of town, and must go. Peace be unto you.

15 And the woman wept because there were a large number of children still present, yay, even five and twenty children and the woman cried, oh, surely I am a cursed woman among all women.



16 And behold, the children brought many gifts, and they brought them forward, in a great swarming mass of gift giving, even an obscene amount of gift giving, and behold, the children would not sit down and give heed to the princess, for they were making merry.

17 And behold great was the wrath of the princess when the children would not give her heed.

18 And the princess did endeavor to make the children listen to her, else she would scream and cry out to the people to leave the land.

19 But behold the Queen did show them mercy, and did exile the Princess to her room, until she could get a grip.

20 And behold, after five minutes, the Princess did return, and she did make amends to her people, and brought them good tidings of great joy.

21 And she did bestow upon them gift bags of assorted colors, and the children screamed with joy.

22 For the candy, it was good.

23 And soon, the mothers of the children did return to the land, and they did say unto the Queen, Behold, you are indeed a mighty and brave Queen, for when we droppethed them off, never had we beheld so many children at festival, and our fear was great, and much did we doubt thee.

24 But you are indeed a true and wise Queen and we shall not doubt thee again

25 And the children left, yay, even all five and twenty children, and the young princess and her cohorts were banished to their rooms, but with many amusements, and the Queen did fall onto the couch and did slumber for half an hour, until she was woken by the Princess, who did come bearing thanks and praise, for she hath enjoyed the royal festival exceedingly

26 And behold, how great was her joy.

27 And behold the Queen was joyful also, for she did love the young Princess exceedingly.

28 And behold, the royal festival was ended, at least for the space of a year.

29 And lo, I say unto you, if ye shall learn a lesson from reading this tale, then take heed, and do not invite a large number of children to the winter festival; yay, only invite a small number of children, lest ye suffer the consequences, even like unto the Queen.

30 And if ye have read all of this, yay, even to the end, now tell me, what think ye of my tale? Thinketh ye that I hath too much time on my hands?

31 Yay, verily verily, it may be so, for behold, the Royal King, he is gone, even again, and I am lonely, and so I say unto you, that she who leaveth a comment, shall be greatly blessed in the eyes of the Queen.

P.S. Lest ye doubt this tale, I hath provided this moving picture, that ye may see and believe upon my words.
(had to remove the video - it kept making my posts republish in the feeds :>)

115 comments:

  1. OOOOH! FIRST COMMENT!!!

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  2. Anonymous8:38 PM

    Oooooo... I laughethed out loud, like unto a loon.

    I made the same mistake at my son's party - too many kids, not enough cake, and far too much stress. NEVER AGAIN. It feels good to have it over with, though, doesn't it??

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  3. Okay, now that I definitely got the first comment, I shall leave my actual comment, thus increasing your comment count. Yeah, who's your favorite sister today? (You better say it's me.)

    You. Are. Brave. 25 shrieking girls? Yowza. And I was dying at your scriptural telling of the tale. Awesome. My question is: how did you have enough gift bags??

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  4. For behold Wendy, thou art indeed awesome, but lo, I cannot name thee favorite, lest my other sisters smite me with a rock. But thou art indeed mighty among women.

    Verily, I did buy two packs of twenty gift bags at the one hundred cent store, for I am wise in all things.

    Lisa - It feels SO SO SO good :>

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  5. And verily, verifly I laughed until I did almost weteth my pants..LOL

    25 children, that has to be some kind of record. I'm glad it all worked out. You are a brave brave queen.

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  6. Anonymous8:58 PM

    What about "he" that leaveth a comment. Is not he also blessed?

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  7. Verily I say unto you, Paul, that ye are indeed blessed, for ye are brave, not like unto the other men who readeth upon my words, for they are meek and they do shake with fear when they ponder commenting upon the blog.

    Tonya - I sayeth unto thee, I am glad, yay exceedingly glad, that thou didst not soil thyself.

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  8. Anonymous9:20 PM

    Joyfully hilarious!!! And also makes me so very happy that my girls' birthdays are in the spring. My husband's is on Dec. 23 (same day as Joseph Smith, actually) and it's hard enough buying birthday gifts in addition to Christmas gifts. He doth be worth the effort, though!
    Great blog!

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  9. Mistress Kennedy: Thanks be unto thee, for now my days shall be long upon the land, for thou hast quite possibly delivered me this day from the valley of the shadow of death with thy comment.

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  10. Maddisson, December 23rd - oh THOU art a cursed woman indeed.

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  11. Mighty and brave indeed. Awesome post. Loved it.

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  12. And behold, the brethren of online women did indeed rise up and esteem Sue for her mighty act of courage.

    For who art she that instructeth us to laugh heartily after dark and lo, indeed, causeth much soilage of garments?

    Only she that should scribe much and yea, prophesy little.

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  13. I'm gonna cry I am laughing so hard! 25??????????????????? Thank heavens for the market of 100 cents. Oh you are too funny tonight. Here's hoping the King returns soonest!

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  14. You are having waaay too much fun with this (I sayeth).

    And I had wondered at your having enough gift bags, too.

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  15. Thy bravery, which is the top of the tree, hath outstripped the strength of the root of the tree, which is thy wisdom, in that you did invite even five and twenty virgins (QUESTION: IS THAT TOO WEIRD TO CALL THEM VIRGINS IF THEY ARE ONLY FIVE?)

    Truly, thou art cursed above all other women, in that other women did not remove their families from the country, so that thou and thy family could celebrate the princess' festival in peace.

    However, thou art blessed above all other women, in that the princess did receive gifts, even five and twenty, and thus will play willingly by herself for the next two score days.

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  16. Way to go on the awesome party!

    You rock!! And you're so brave, too.

    (I'm pretty sure you don't know me, but I loved the post - pure genius.)

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  17. You are a BRAVE BRAVE queen!!! *lol*

    And quite clever as well *lol* you had me laughing from the get go...

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  18. i laughethed out loud too. :)

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  19. My favorite part: And the candy, it was good.

    Too, too funny. How about sending some of that funniness my way, seeing as how you have some to spare.

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  20. so effing funny

    Sadly, like unto item 19 I too have been banished to my room at many a social function during my childhood.

    One time I even got spanked in front of my friends at a sleepover I was hosting WHEN I WAS 12. Honestly, what 12 year old still gets spanked.

    this 12 year old, that's who

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  21. You are soooo crazy! 25 kids??? I do believe I remember my sister getting spanked on her fifth birthday for being such a brat. Happy Birthday to your princess and thanks for the funny post. I needed a smile tonight.

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  22. Anonymous10:59 PM

    Easily one of the most clever things I have ever read...

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  23. I declareth upon thee, the bravest of all brave in thy land!

    You had me ROFL... GREAT POST!

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  24. And it came to pass, that the joy of the reader was great.

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  25. I know how crazy you are because I also had 25 kids to my son's birthday party. You know what I did? I did "centers" like at school. It worked like a charm, three stations for coloring, musical chairs and face painting. Gotta love the ideas from volunteering at school!!!! I have one more bday party this weekend for my 1 year-old. She's baby #4, and I HAVE to have a party for her. She can't be the only kid whose 1st birthday wasn't celebrated in this family. We also have 9th wedding anniversary on the 19th, and husband's birthday on Jan 11th. After kids' birthday parties, anniversary, Christmas, AND Three Kings (which we celebrate), by the time it's his birthday we usually say, "Ah yes, happy birthday by the way..."
    Great post, extremely funny.

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  26. And behold - - verily --

    Oh, screw it. No way can I keep this up much longer. ;>

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  27. Holy crap, that is alot of kids!

    Very funny post

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  28. "And there was much decorating of baked goods, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, for the Queen had only one can of purple sprinkles, and there was no yellow frosting, and behold, this did make the children with baked cookies in star shapes exceedingly angry, and the Queen was afraid, for the noise which the children maketh, it did cause her to tremble and quake."

    The entire thing was hysterical, but this was my favorite bit, because when I was five if I was decorating a star cookie I would have been exceedingly upset, and there would have been wailing and gnashing of teeth. :)

    Brava to you!

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  29. Sue,
    You are my idol! You must study the scriptures way more than I do.
    My two favorite words from this post are droppedeth and freakingeth out.
    About the dog, I have two words for you;
    "Doggie Tranquilizers"
    Give one to the dog, and if it doesn't work, take one (or more) yourself.
    Last spring, my daughter invited 18 of her closest friends to her 9th B-day party. We assumed everyone would be coming, and bought plenty of everything.
    8 showed up.
    Apparently I managed to schedule the party at the exact same time as two dance competitions, a Jr. Jazz game, and a family reunion.
    You just need to do more research to find out when everyone is unavailable.
    I think this is your best post ever! Can't wait to see what you will do to top it tomorrow. (No pressure or anything)
    Jill

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  30. 1. Behold there was a weary woman who had spent her day with much procrastinating, much holiday merry-making, a smidgen of thesis-programming, and much packing of her many possessions.

    2. And the woman was weary even unto a weariness of her bones.

    3. And the woman did seek a smiden of humor to lighten her mind before slumber.

    4. Yet at the first blog there was no new posts.

    5. Yet at the second blog there were new posts.

    6. And at at the third blog there was a new post. (Yeah, the woman must find time to battle the Operating System of Vista to update the RSS feed widget.)

    7. And the woman saw that this post was good. And she laughed. And she rejoiced for the writer called Sue.

    8. And the woman's heart was lightened.

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  31. Thou art most amusing. Though thou art also clearly bonkers.

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  32. Yay for you for doing right by one of the December born (I could tell you stories)--multitudes of children or no. And I love the pcitures! You can tell your darling daughter feels beloved by her subjects and that, my friend, is really what it's all about.

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  33. Sue, that was awesome. You are officially invited to live on my street in heaven, where I will provide scrumptious baked goods in exchange for you making me laugh.

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  34. Lo, I didst swoon upon counting the heads of the five and twenty wee ones - eegads, woman! What thinketh thee?! And mid-winter!
    I, too, suffer from the affliction of joyful generosity and unreal birthday expectations. Luckily, like you, I have managed to survive thus far!
    I hope that there is much rejoicing in the kingdom and appropriate honor has been laid at the feet of the Queen! perhaps in the token of a spa retreat?
    ps - good to be back. Thanks for noticing. :-)

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  35. Anonymous5:59 AM

    you are crazy brave - didn't any mothers offer to stay and help???
    still, crazy brave.

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  36. Anonymous6:46 AM

    Too funny! I've been "stalking" your blog for awhile, even leading my friends and family to it because it is so hilarious but I admit I have never commented. But then I though, what if my lack of commenting really did lead to your early death? What would I read for a laugh then?

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  37. Yay, verily, the queen is afflictith with little sense but much love and cleverness. Your kingdom doth bow before your wit, my queen.

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  38. Verily, thy moving picture of the five and twenty lasses who doth partaketh of the revelry didst strike fear into mine heart. So many. So much noise. I dareth to say that I wouldst have cowereth in a large hall closet until the merry-makers hath disappeareth.

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  39. You are a brave Queen indeed and also a clever one!

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  40. WOW. You art indeed valiant among women.

    And to schedule that with your husband going out of town? You're made of tough stuff, sister.

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  41. You are INSANE. But I loved the format of the post. Very cool.

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  42. (step back so as to avoid the lightening)
    Did you help write the scriptures? Because that was just AWESOME!!

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  43. When I read five and twenty kids there was no doubt in my mind that you are the bravest queen!
    Very fun and creative post! Loved it!

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  44. But what fun for your sweet Princess - Happy Birthday to her! It looks wonderful and you did good. Take care. Kellan

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  45. Anonymous9:45 AM

    I have been reading for a while but had to finally comment. This was hilarious! Your writing skills are awesome.

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  46. Definitely the funniest children's birthday story I've ever read.

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  47. Oh my gosh, this post is hilarious! And whoa! 25 kids? You're amazing.

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  48. what a great party and a great Queen hostess! Happy birthday to The Princess!

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  49. Anonymous10:27 AM

    Brilliant! I do love reading your blog... My favorite was verse 9 (the dog freakingth out, etc.)

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  50. That is fantastic! My princess turneth five on the twentieth day of the twelfth month, but the wise queen, having four children, only holdeth festivities for the first, sixth, tenth, and maybe if they are decent teenagers, the sixteenth years.

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  51. I am dying here from laughing so much. You are SO FUNNY!

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  52. That was brilliant, Sue. Brilliant.

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  53. I laughed so hard the tears(?) started to roll down my legs.

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  54. For behold, I read with great amazement at your bravery/stupidity but alas I did not feel that thou had too much time on thou's hands - I think you're a woman who was driven beyond the point of no return!! You did it! You looked the dreaded party monster in the face and smacked his royal, uh, face and won.
    25?? 25!! And you didn't kill any of them? I can see my bowing and homage paying was totally worth it - all hail the Queen!! :)

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  55. Yea verily that was funny!!!!

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  56. Anonymous1:08 PM

    Lo, my stomach doth ache from laughing.

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  57. lol! Freakingeth out... that was my favorite. Ah Sue, you are why I shall never try to write anything humorous ever again. You put me to shame.

    Didn't this happen at your son's party too? You didn't think anyone would come because it was such short notice and then they all came?

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  58. Anonymous1:34 PM

    This made me laugh as hard as thinking about you wearing your husband's Gs while exercising with friends! I can hardly wait for my hubby to come home and read this one to him.

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  59. Anonymous2:23 PM

    congratulations on surviving the party! your post is hilarious. thanks for the laugh.

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  60. Twenty and five children? Me thinketh you are nuts. Brave, yes, but nuts.

    Your account is hilarious.

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  61. Anonymous2:37 PM

    I can't believe you actually *invited* five-and-twenty children to a birthday party, even in December. Thou art amazing, and behold, thy tale even more so.

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  62. And lo, so that the queen may not have to suffer this great clamity in future years, the wise and elderly one shall impart of her great wisdom regarding annual celebrations for princesses/princes

    1. Only invite as many children as the child is old
    2. Limit "friends" parties to every other year.
    3. At age 10, have big blow out/sleepover (again with only 10 friends).
    4. Every year after, have small celebration with family or a couple of close friends.

    And I promise you that if you believe and do these things, you shall not fear and tremble. But you shall have great strength when the annual day of celebration approacheth.

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  63. And lo, all shalt bow down to thee, Brave and Mighty Queen. For She that hath the energy to write such an account after such calamitous dealings shall be revered above all others. Great is She in the sight of many.

    I can't believe you could pull that off for 31 verses.

    Better than the ghetto pinata!

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  64. This proves it. You, my lady, are hillarious! (and brave, I might add!)

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  65. Anonymous5:26 PM

    ¡Usted es muchacha loca! Nunca tendría un partido con eso muchos niños.

    Oh wait, we're supposed to be speaking in Old English or something. Sorry, I got confused.

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  66. Oh man...that was a good one! I almost had to be removed from the computer chair lest I pee myself from reading of the wonderful festival! Lesson learned, eh?

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  67. P.S. The store of one hundred cents is what I will call it forevermore. Sounds better.

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  68. What a glorious winter festival for the royal princess. May she called you blessed forever more.

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  69. Oh my. May you have even more time on your hands, good Queen, to produce many such fine posts in the future.

    (My favorite part would have to be "freakingeth." I hope to use that in conversation sometime this week.)

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  70. Anonymous8:10 PM

    Me thinkest thou art hilarious!

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  71. Absolutely hilarious. I love when the king said, "Peace be unto you" as he left you with all those kids.

    Thanks for the laugh(s).

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  72. Anonymous10:11 PM

    Ahh, but the princess is truly worth it all! Good for you, Sue!

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  73. Anonymous7:20 AM

    Oh. My. Word. And I thought that my Chuck E. Cheese birthday tale was frightening! Twenty-five children in my house is enough to give me nightmares. Yay verily.

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  74. I laughed so hard when I read this.

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  75. Anonymous9:30 AM

    A brilliant piece of work, quite entertaining this morning! You're a genius, and all that.

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  76. Holy HELL woman!
    You poor poor thing!

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  77. Laughed my head off. That post made my whole day. (I'd do the Old English thing, but what would be original about it!)

    ~Giggleth~

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  78. Oh mah holy hell.

    "And behold, the royal dog was freakingeth out, and the Queen did place him in the royal garage, so that he might not pee himself, for so great was his anxiety because of the children."

    I started laughing hysterically there and by the time I got to the end, I had peed a little.

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  79. Wow. I can't believe that you survived the 25 child birthday MARATHON, much less wrote such a witty retelling of said event. I'm impressed. For my daughter's last birthday, we invited exactly ONE friend of hers (and a bunch of our friends). Poor kid.

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  80. OH HOW I LAUGHED reading that! You have such a talent at writing. I'm glad all went well overall... My friend hosted a part with that many kids one time and she VOWS to never do it again.

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  81. Thou arest a hysterical Queen! But in a goodeth way! And so I shall giveth thee the news thou seekest: NEVER shall thy predictions of whom whilst be away at a party be accurate. For even if they arest away - they shall RETURN for thy child's party. Just becauseth.

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  82. Funny! Crazy!

    I would have loved to droppedeth my son, sir-whines-a-lot, by....he would have loveth it. What's one more??? HA!

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  83. Verily, you do tell a good tale. And use mighty words. Me breaketh my bladder. I must haste away, but shall return...verily.

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  84. Sue you are insane! I BOW DOWN TO YOU! I would have smote myself with a rock after that one. All I can say is my kids better have a lot of the same friends because I'm NOT having two birthday parties every year.
    And your telling of the tale is effing awesome.

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  85. Um... can you write my family Christmas letter next year? Thanks.

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  86. Shar-Bear - I haven't even written MY Christmas letter yet. Verily, I am a loser. Eth.

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  87. what loser gets 90 comments on their blog?! 90!! Sue, NINETY!!!!!!!! Definitly not a loser!

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  88. To me thou dost not stinketh. My cup of hilarity runneth over.

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  89. I know you are LDS

    and your children are young

    but I need a drink

    make it a double

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  90. I know this is just one comment of many, but that was amazing. I need a good parable now and then. Thank you.

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  91. What a great account!

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  92. You are amazing!

    I feel your pain my daughters largest party was 47. How insane is that. I don't like it when kids invite some and not all the kids in their class, or at church so I made her invite them all. That was stupid, never again.

    What we do for our kids.

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  93. When are you writing a book? I'd buy it in an instant! :D

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  94. Another testament *ahem* to the birthday party rule: 1 child per year of birthday. 5th birthday = 5 guests. Thou art indeed a brave Queen and we doubt thee not! :)

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  95. OH MY GOODNESS, GIRL! I am a friend of Wendy's and just linked to your blog. You are completely hilarious and this post was so funny I almost peed. So here I am, a mother of three... sitting at the computer when my kids need to get out of their pjs and are hungry for lunch... but I just can't leave the computer because I have only read a couple of your posts and barely touched the "best of" list. If only I had more time in the day!

    I am SO happy to hear you found your husband in the ravine because mine always ends up dead. And the ghetto pinata! Are you kidding me! so funny.

    Okay, i will be back later. Good luck with your move to Vegas. maybe I will meet you in person someday, but I will NEVER call you-- ever.

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  96. See, I KNEW I had commented before, and it was on this post. So now you're close to the tipping point, as this is your 99th...

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  97. Anonymous7:49 AM

    Love the creativity. :) AND the 100 comments.

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  98. 101 Comments are cooler than a mere 100 any day of the week, doncha thinkn?

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  99. Oh fine, I came here to post you a 2-comment get well present, but I wasn't fast enough. I DID delurk, however. Does that count for anything? And speaking as one who has brought small children to my own dr. appts. as well, I feel your pain and I wish you luck.

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  100. YES! YES! YES! WOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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  101. Anonymous9:48 AM

    And another comment for you, due to your sheer and unabashed awesomeness... The best blog post EVAH!

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  102. And here's 105. Can I steal this idea (the quasi-scripture thing) for my blog?

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  103. Anonymous9:11 PM

    you don't know me, but wow. lol, you are one brave woman. i can't imagine taking on that many little people. my hat is off to you!

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  104. Five and Twenty children?! You're lucky they didn't get mobbish and take you down.

    Ignore my crazy email, clearly after hitting refresh 100 times I got in :). Of course only to find that I'm 107 but whatever. You were brave. Littles freak me out in large numbers, I don't trust them. The husband alwasy says never to make eye contact.

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  105. WOW I JSUT HAD TO POST AS I READ THE WHOLE THING, I DID THIS SEVERAL TIMES AND WITH ALL BOYS,, ALL WORKED OUT OK, GLAD IN A WAY THRE ALL GROWN NOW BUT I DO MISS IT,,
    MAMAJAEHN

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  106. Anonymous3:15 PM

    You are so clever in the way you have written this post...AND very brave to host a party for that many children.

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  107. Well, I had a quick thought about not posting, but seeing as how I might be responsible for part of your soul, I will comment. You're hilarious! And I've added you to my "round of blogs" to visit. Great story and snaps to your bravery.

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  108. Love, love, love this post. How clever and oh so witty!

    I was sent here from a friend and I can't wait to check out your other posts...after I use the bathroom, of course...no more accidents due to reading hilarious posts!

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  109. Bet you didn't expect to still be getting comments on this nine months later! A friend of mine (same as Jen's) forwarded this to me...so impressed with all the scripture lingo! My favorite phrase has to be the dog was "freakingeth out." haha!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    I fully intend to heed Queen's counsel.

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  110. Anonymous11:43 AM

    ok, seriously that was funny. You don't know me, but you are freaking hilarious. I am officially stalking your blog!

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  111. Both birthday posts were awesome!

    I feel sorry for your tech-challenged friend, but I am glad you had an excuse to re-post these.

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  112. here it is, probably almost one year later ... i just found your blog, cannot even remember from whence i came, but i'm sooo glad i'm here ... you are one funny lady ... i loved the scriptural bent of your tale-telling ... it maketh my heart to beateth faster ... awesome, girl ...

    thanks for the *silent* heehaws .. my dh is sleeping and i'm reading this without utterething a sound ... LOL

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