If you haven't, go read it.
(It's o.k., I'll wait.)
(Context is important.)
I think I am finally ready to take the plunge and buy my first pair of actual boots.
(WHAT. I need time to germinate on things, people. I am a germinator.)
(Wait. Can you germinate on things?)
(Maybe OVER things?)
Right now my Winter Footwear Collection a la 2011 consists of:
- One pair of running type sneakers that I bought in a fit of extremely misguided couch to 5K enthusiasm
- One pair of ankle boots (which are fine for wearing under jeans, but am I right when I guess that you probably shouldn't wear them with a skirt?) (Because some Sundays I waver, wondering if that would be acceptable.) (But I'm thinking - NOT ACCEPTABLE.) (Right?)
- One pair of actual snow boots (which are fine for shoveling driveways and sledding down our side-yard AS PER ILLUSTRATION but I'm guessing NOT FINE for fashion?) (click to embiggen)
- One pair of grandma shoes (complete with fuzzy socks, which - I'm sorry, but Stacey and Carlton can kiss my lint covered left toe - I will never part with them) (I spent the penny)
I was griping on Facebook about the fact that I am now wearing a size 6 (BRAGGY) and yet still cannot stuff my ginormous calves into half of the boots at Payless (NOT BRAGGY) and Carina let me know that I SHOULD NEVER BUY BOOTS AT PAYLESS or I would BE SORRY, SO SO SORRY because they would fall apart as soon as I wore them out in public for the first time, causing people to point and laugh.
She then emailed me a selection of wide-calf boots (that term makes me feel bad about myself) (can't we call them boots for the differently calved or something?) that I could buy online, but I'm nervous about buying anything online, because if I buy them, and they look stupid, then I have to actually SEND THEM BACK, which I will never do (this is why Netflix is still hunting for me), and then I will end up with YET ANOTHER pair of stupid looking shoes. So I need to buy something live and in person.
Since that is the case, where do I buy them? (Shoe stores still frighten me, and shoe salespeople - definitely still the most terrifying people on earth.)
Other things I do not know:
- Are we wearing black and brown together these days, or does that ALSO cause people to point and laugh? So like, if I have a black coat (I DO) can I wear my brown boots with it, or do I need to get black boots? But then what do I do when I am wearing brown clothing?
- Buckles or no buckles? Do we care about buckles? Is that a thing?
- If I buy a pair of boots THIS year am I going to look totally dated four years from now when I get up the courage (and funds) to buy a second pair?
- HOW TALL? I mean, what is the optimum height for these-are-my-only-boots boots? Mid-calf? Knee-high? Thigh-high? What will I get the most wear out of?
- (I'm guessing not thigh high. That would be sort of - well, not slutty, I'm a little old for slutty, but - sad and inappropriate for sure.)
- If I get just under knee high boots can I wear them constantly or is it like with sweaters, where if you wear them more than once a week people will start judging you?
- How do I wear them? See, I thought you tucked your jeans INTO your boots, but then - WHY DO WE HAVE BOOT CUT JEANS?
- When is it appropriate not to wear socks with shoes? Not boot-related just a general question.
- I'm so confused.
- DO NOT MOCK ME ON TWITTER CARINA, I WILL HEAR YOU.
(I am asking about my electrified hairs, not my wrinkles, shut up.) It's my gray hairs, dyed blonde (actually a strange shade of orange at the moment, SHUT UP AGAIN) and apparently intent upon making the jump over onto somebody else's head. I can't tame them. What do I do? Is there - is there a magical potion I can use? A serum? I have some of that non-frizz serum and it does nothing except make me look like an oil slick.
I also have - some type of putty that you are supposed to - I don't know - rub all over your hands and then run your hands through your hair and - I - I don't know. The instructions are so vague. You're supposed to put a coin (WHAT COIN) sized amount in your hand, then rub it around a little (HOW MUCH), then "work it" into your hair (HOW), ensuring that you've placed almost undiscernable amounts of pasty type stuff in strategic places (WHAT PLACES). As you can imagine, THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME.
ALSO NOT WORKING: Spraying hair spray on my hands and trying to smooth them down. This mostly angers them.
So I have a lot of questions, basically.
HELP ME WOMEN OF EARTH.
PS: OH - if you are bored today, I updated my sidebar links to other people's posts. (I know, I shouldn't have.)