Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm Apparently My Father's Daughter

Pin It It is a truth universally acknowledged, that being-able-to-get-over-it is a virtue.

I even said it myself, here“Whenever I think about hanging on to an old hurt, hanging on to bitterness, hanging on to anger, I think of my dad. I think of what it cost him to hold onto his anger, of what he exchanged in order to have the privilege of holding those injustices close to his heart. And I let it go. It's easy to let things go, when you really know what it costs.”

Shut up, self.

(Sometimes I read the things I wrote back before our finances collapsed and I really have to struggle with the urge not to travel back in time and slap myself silly.)

Because of course I’ve turned myself into a gigantic liar.

I’m finding it harder and harder to let things go. 

The last couple of years have been full of traumas – losing a business, losing our house, losing cars, losing our financial stability, losing our neighborhood – and other more personal traumas that I can’t write about here.  

I need to get over it. 

I thought I WAS over some of it.

But it turns out that I’m holding on to some of it really tightly.  I know this because every time something new happens, I go back to the bones of the same old disasters and gnaw on them until my teeth hurt. 

Bad idea generally, because then when life has it’s inevitable ups and downs, instead of being able to view them as part of the normal flow of life - as just temporary setbacks - I view them as ONE MORE THING. One more crappy thing that happened. As though my life were a see-saw with everything bad that’s ever happened to me piled up on one side, and absolutely NOTHING piled up on the other – as though all of the good things (like my wonderful kids, the great job I have, and, oh, I don’t know, BEING ALIVE RIGHT NOW) have no weight at all.

Glass not only half-full, but leaking, chipped on the side, and coated with dishwasher residue.

I lack perspective, is what I’m saying. 

Last night we were invited over for a barbecue with the family that lives next door.   This family has been a God-send since we’ve moved here.  They have wonderful kids the same age as Josh, Jake and Emma.   The mom is smart and friendly and relaxed and MY AGE (a rarity in this neighborhood full of much older families with much older kids) and lately we’ve ended up outside talking and laughing with each other while our kids run around together.  

This family has been a real bright spot for me in a sort of dark and depressing time.

Last night they told us they are putting their house up for sale and moving to California.

I think I literally made a noise like “oof”. 

Suckerpunch.

It felt like ONE MORE THING.

I cried driving in to work this morning.  Not just because they’re leaving, but because of all of the one-more-things that are starting to feel so overwhelming.

I’m afraid that I’m losing my ability to get over things.  I'm not sure how to fix that. 

How do I get perspective? 

Suggestions?

(But if you tell me to start writing a gratitude journal I will punch you in the face.)

(Only because I already know I should do something like that, but the thought of actually doing it fills me with rage.)

(Probably because of THE DEVIL.)

PS: Every time someone asks us if we’re renting or planning to buy the house we’re living in, it feels like a test.  If I answer that we’re renting, it feels like we’re dismissed from consideration for actual friendship.  If I answer that we’re planning to buy (in the year 2020, but they don’t know that) then it feels like they immediately warm up.  I cannot decide if this is my imagination or not.  Anyone else experience this?  I’m starting to get a complex.

PPS:  In an effort to make more progress in paying off the gigantic pile of medical bills we have, I’m teaching piano two nights a week.  I’m currently full on Thursdays, but I still have a few openings on Wednesdays.  If you live in Bountiful and are interested in piano lessons for your kids, shoot me an email at susanmarchant at gmail dot com. 

56 comments:

  1. I'm sorry there are so many things. If it makes you feel any better, you're still one of the funniest people I "know", and you are really great at writing hard things.

    And I'm in a situation kind of like yours with housing - I just say weird vague stuff like "We're not sure of all the particulars just yet but we're probably here for a while."

    May you get more stuff on the good end of the seesaw soon.

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  2. I'm with Fig on the vague housing stuff. Something like "We'd really love to buy this house!" should hopefully settle it. Maybe. You know how people are. I mean, YES! That will help!

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  3. p.s. I know what you mean, because it can feel like the bad stuff are such tent poles in my life; huge, traumatic events with lulls in between. I try to remember the blessings, to count all of the amazing chances and mercies we've been given, but sometimes it FEELS like we're just between tent poles.

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  4. You know what? It's O.K. to acknowledge that there's been too much crap. And that you're not interested in taking any more.

    I often think that we Mormons, even waaaay out here in the far North East, are just too darn concerned about making sure that our Mormon colored glasses are reflecting the correct happy image back at the world. I know that this shiny gloss of the happy-all-the-time image risks making others feel invalidated when they have too much crap.

    I'm very sorry your new friends are moving away. I hope the crap stops soon for you. I also know that it gets easier to let go and be not offended, not bitter, not gnawing on your hurt when the garbage stops coming fast and furious. Depression and anxiety overload are real things and I'd be pretty darn surprised if you weren't wrestling with these two demons a little bit right now. Hang in there. :)

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  5. I always think that one bad thing opens the door for every bad thing in the world to happen. We never get a chance to deal with just one thing at once. So whenever the bad things stop happening, you can at least feel reassured that you're off the hook for a while!

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  6. I hope things turn around for you. I've been reading your blog for a while and I can relate to so much of what you're going through! We had our own financial meltdown last year had to sell our house and are now renting in an older, established, no-kids-the-age-of-my-kids neighborhood. And we get the same thing. People want to know if we're staying and I feel like they're deciding if it's worth the trouble to get to know us.

    In our case, I hope we can move back to be near our old neighborhood, but I don't tell them that.

    Too bad you're in Bountiful. I am looking for someone to teach my daughters piano but that's a bit far.

    Hang in there. My advice for feeling better is to go to the temple and read your scriptures every night. I know it sounds corny, but that is really the only thing that has kept me going sometimes. *hugs*

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  7. It's the curse of the renters. No one gives us the time of day because we're renting. It's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS but yet, it's a reason not to bother with someone. We have NEVER owned a home and have been married 8 years. Yesterday my visiting teaching companion asked if we EVER planned to buy or just rent for our entire lives... uh?? What? Sheesh. NOYB! Anyway, I don't know about the perspective thing, other than to just turn to the scriptures. People in there had it bad too. Real bad. And in the end, they either died or it worked out, or you know, both. :) Also, finding humor in all things helps a bunch. If you can laugh, you can live. Right? Right.

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  8. I don't have much opinion on how to put things in perspective for you, except to watch the news. But then you might just get more depressed...

    I will say, having lived in the basement of my in-laws for the past year, it took 7 months to make any friends because we told everyone that we were moving out in a year or so and it seemed like they did dismiss us. Part of that was me, too. It was hard to put myself out there, knowing I would just be moving away again. But it came down to me realizing that not having friends in my area made for a sad and boring life. Put yourself out there again. It's worth it!

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  9. Oh, you're in Bountiful? I'm in Layton, just a hop-skip-jump up the road. I'll be your friend. (No really, I will!)

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  10. My perspective on why we have to let go and get over things...this will not be said eloquently, by the way, but you know I love you so whatever, LOL. Imagine you are a fruit tree. You have fruit on your limbs that is rotting. If you hang on to it, it will eventually rot your limbs and then your whole self. BUT if you drop the fruit it will be absorbed into the ground and nourish your roots and end up being something to help you grow. Terribly put, but totally true.

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  11. It's not your imagination. So the correct answer is, "We're here for the long haul." If they press ("So you're buying?"), the answer is, "Eventually."

    And sorry about One More Thing.

    I can punch One More Thing in the face for you if it helps. I know folks say violence is never but they're probably the ones who have never actually tried punching someone or something in the face. It really does make you feel better.

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  12. I get the One More Thing feeling, especially these days. Thanks for putting it so well.

    In other news, I think you should say that you're planning to buy your house (who cares when?) and also their house, and their friends' houses, and their friends' friends' houses. Everyone will want to cozy up to you then, Moneybags! :)

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  13. Honey - YOU CAN PLAY PIANO??? Oh, man - that's - that's - wow. I should be able to. But I never had the - grit. What an amazing thing to be able to do. In my college years - in those drama soaked musical theater years - I bought myself a piano, and I started actually playing it. Not scales. Not Hanon. Not children's versions of Rhapsode in Blue or whatever. But playing the inside stuff. The agony. The love. The excitement. The hope. The deep and recurring disappointments and frustrations.

    It wasn't good music. It didn't have to be. I pounded out my soul on that old upright. And the music did its job. I didn't just go lie down and die the way I meant to. I didn't punch anybody in the face. I played it all. or danced it all. Dance is good for that, too. But what if I'd been able to play the real stuff. The classical stuff with deep bass chords and driving runs of notes? And now - I remember half of a two part invention and one hymn. It wasn't what I chose, I guess. But I hurt with regret that I didn't.

    I've learned a couple of things lately, reading brain function books and philosophical/pych books (not my style, but then what in these times is predictable?). And one of them is this: the memory of traumatic and highly emotional events is centered in the deep limbic system.

    That system also happens to be the place where the emotional tone of the mind is regulated (see Daniel Amen's books - any of them). And the experiencing of external events as they happen is filtered through this part of the brain, which means that everything that happens to you takes on the color of that filter.

    This is the way the computer in your head works. It has nothing to do with choices or morality or being good. It's just a mechanism. This area also modulates motivation, controls appetite and sleep cycles, allows human bonding.

    There is opinion amongst psychologists that states: once a traumatic event is experienced, if down the road something in you life that is REMOTELY reminiscent of that event happens, the brain-jerk response is to flood you with all the feelings from the original event, all over again. Even if it's just a hint of a breath like.

    This, too, is mechanism. So you can quit beating yourself up. You might check out Amen's books - his psych practice is based on measurable brain activity, not on analysis of human behavior. This is not to say that we don't have intelligence or choices, but that sometimes, because of the balance of our chem,some types of our choices have to be made against the current (and if you've ever tried walking up the Provo River in May, you'll have respect for that statement).

    This isn't part of the character you build yourself into. It's part of the had you're dealt. But we all have to play our hands the best we can. So we have responsibility. We just have to understand what came with the brain, before we can figure out how to deal with it.

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  14. the rest: it goes on forever -

    As I see it, there are a couple of things you can do. You can educate yourself about this stuff, first off. Then you can start trying to retrain your deep lymbic system. I believe we can overwrite the traumatic memories - slowly and with effort - by going off automatic and taking hold of the shift. What we want to do is replace the terrible things with new, powerful memories. And sometimes, that can be done by simply stopping and SEEING - some people use a gratitude whatever for that. Me? I have to stop, step out, and pray hard so that I can start to understand the mercies in my life, the tremendous beauty I am so stupid and ungrateful about that I take them as "how things should be."

    Honestly, I don't think I have the power to rewrite on my own. But you have to be a little careful. I had a friend who had, in his youth, been addicted to sexual stuff. He'd trained himself earnestly over years out of it. But when he was married the second time, he could feel it beginning to take him again. So he prayed desperately for help - he didn't think he had the courage or the strength to fight the fight again and called for outside help . And immediately was literally hit by a truck. His kid was safe, but my friend was thrown onto the street on his head (no seatbelt) and he had pretty severe brain damage.

    I know, this sounds like a stupid story - but the way he tells it, all those demons of his were shut off completely. Never troubled him again. And while his mind is different now, he's still himself. And he's happy. I want to be happy, too. But I don't think I'm willing to call on a truck for that. So I ask for help in trying by myself, thank you very much. Who knows if that truck of his was a random coincidence? Who knows anything?

    Please understand that I do NOT believe that God goes around doing things to people (for their good). I don't. Maybe sometimes. But no. That's not the way I see things. But when you ask - meh. A different situation. Be careful what you ask for.

    But I ask to see. To see the amazing high-wire act we are all doing every day, and how seldom we actually fall. And how, when we fall off the thing, sometimes we don't starve, we don't get paralyzed, we aren't ruined. We lose stuff, yeah. But we still can get up. And that is amazing. When you can still get up. Some people, of course, don't get that chance. But when we do, we need to see that, and count it - talents placed square in the palm of our hands.

    Okay. This is longer than a blog entry. Quitting now. Did I write it right? I'm shaking my head. Probably not. But what the hey - maybe it doesn't matter what I write. Maybe it only matters what you read.

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  15. I'm guessing the other thing you didn't want to include in the "sucky" list is losing your virginity. That's OK; it's common with people who have kids.

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  16. I was going to read what everyone else wrote as far as advice, but who am I kidding? I have "comment ADD".

    This is what popped into my mind when I was reading your post. It may or may not apply to you: Ask God to give you a forgiving heart.

    Pray for it every morning and every night, even if it's just in passing before your head hits the pillow. It may take a (long) while, but eventually, you will gradually be able to forgive yourself for bashing your being for not living up to who you think you 'should' be. It will become easier to forgive all those people who should have been more gentle with you in the past. And you will be able to forgive God (gasp!) for all the crappy moments he has allowed to come your way as part of this mortality deal. (Don't worry- He is guaranteed to accept your apology whenever you're ready.)

    Praying to gain a forgiving heart has (and is) working for me, anyway. OK, I'm done channeling my inner Oprah.

    Good luck, and may the Force be with you.

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  17. Maybe you could write a journal about the ways you could maul people by hurling gratitude journals at them? That might work.

    Praying for you that the moments of grace and respite come swiftly and thick.

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  18. It is not your imagination on the people treat you different when they think you're renting vs. buying. I'm a military wife. I know the drill really, really well. And here's the thing: The people who know (think) that you are leaving soon and still take the time to get to know you/ befriend you anyway are pretty much ALWAYS people worth calling "friend."

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  19. I am at the same place. But while you are willing to fix it, I am content in adding all these "One More Things" to my "God Hates Amber" list. It's working really well, in case you are wondering.

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  20. I am where you are emotionally. It seems like this past year, we've really really REALLY been tested. Not in exactly the same ways you have, but tested nonetheless. And the way I see it, now is the time you show who you are. You have an opportunity to wallow in it and let it consume you, or say fuck it and be the person who you are in spite of it. I'm choosing the latter, even on days when I feel like giving up.

    Especially on those days.

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  21. I don't know if this is the equivalent of making a gratitude journal suggestion, but last night I watched an old Elder Holland devotional that was on byutv. While I was reading your post, I thought maybe you would really relate to some of the things he talks about. It's called "Remembering Lot's Wife," and talks about not looking back so much. Here's a link in case you want to shut yourself in the office for 30 minutes with a box of tissues, cry it out, and feel some hope.

    http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=3403

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  22. I'm just going to say it: Write a gratitude journal. In it, list all the people you would be grateful to punch in the face. It's SO cathartic and really puts things into perspective. Also, actually punching things helps. I enjoy punching dough, imaginary bad guys, pillows, and people (holding those punching-pad things. Or, you know, my husband... not holding those punching-pad things.)

    When people ask us if we're buying or renting, I tell them we're renting until we know whether or not we enjoy the neighborhood. Then it's almost like if we don't buy it's their fault and not because we have terrible credit. (Also, I've found that many of them will be moving in the next few years (military) and want to line up a buyer now. (Haha, if only they knew.))

    I'm sorry your friends are moving. That sucks big toe. I will pray that someone EVEN BETTER buys their house. (It won't be me, though. Sorry.)

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  23. P.S. You're not like Dad. Don't entertain that thought for another second or when i see you, I will punch you in the face.

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  24. Oh, Wendy, so many laughs!

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  25. I always find it amazing when someone is writes what I can't find the words for. I have been sitting here for the last hour, fighting a panic attack and the feeling of hopelessness and despair. The last five months have been "one more thing". I can't take one more thing. I hate one more thing. Everytime one more thing happens I break down in tears as I sob to the hubs that I just can't do it anymore.

    And I really feel I can't.

    I don't know how to "find the bright side anymore". I even had to give a talk on it a couple months ago. (because God is ironic like that) Things suck right now. That is all there is. I don't know how to choose to be happy and I don't know how to be ok.

    I have nothing to offer to make it easier, but that you aren't alone. And I'm in therapy. I had a good therapist, but she left the practice. The new one isn't helping me. So now therapy doesn't even make me feel better.

    Big hugs, Sue. Good luck.

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  26. Do you remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where the Brady's are going to move to a new house because the kids don't want to share a bathroom but then the kids decide they don't really want to move so they make the house seem haunted so that nobody will buy it?
    You could totally do that to your neighbor's house, then they would have to stay here!

    Or go ahead and punch stuff, I liked that idea.

    On an unrelated (and somewhat creepy stalkerish) note were you wearing a black shirt today, because I think I saw you.
    If not, there is some skinny woman out walking around with your hair and face:)

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  27. Funny you would post this. I was crying earlier from similar (but individual) problems, and said to my husband, "Why does it NEVER END?" And he had no answer. But reading this made me feel not so alone. So, I have no words of encouragement, but your words have comforted me. And not because "misery loves company", but more like "you are not alone". Hope this makes sense. Anyway, thanks for your blog, your words, your open dialogue. Rare in our world (AND wards). I'm thinking of ya. Jamie in AZ

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  28. Ouch. I'm so sorry. I think/write a lot about perspective for this exact reason:

    http://crazybritheaven.blogspot.com/2010/02/lessons-learned-viii.html

    The biggest thing I can suggest is to go outside. You said you spent a lot of time outside with this friend and personally I feel the world is a better place when you're not indoors/in a car/not outdoors.

    Hugs.

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  29. I think Melanie just said she's punched someone in the face before and enjoyed it. That *is* what she said, right?

    I self-medicated my raging PMS by staying up almost all night reading a book last night. It's called "Crocodile on the Sandbank" by Elizabeth Peters. It's set in the 1880s and features a loveable strident feminist English old maid of the ripe age of 32 years. It has a mystery and romance and Egyptian ruins. It was very PMS-worthy. I don't know if it would work for serious trauma as opposed to just PMS, but you could give it a try.

    Also, it helps me to be grateful for my challenges when I focus on how they've made me far superior to people with less intense and colorful life experiences.

    (Gee, I'm full of wretched ideas today, aren't I? Let me know if you want any more.) (Not that the book is wretched at all--but the staying up almost-all-night kind of was.)

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  30. I struggle with this same issue. I *try* putting it into perspective, like I'm lucky to have all that I do -- enough food and a place to live. I'm lucky to have health care available to me, even i it feels like it gets me no where sometimes. I am VERY lucky to have my family.

    But gratitude journals? I tried that a few months back and it did just irritate me more than it led me to feel more grateful.

    So I'm still looking for the answer to this question myself. I hope things will take an upswing for you soon.

    Let me know if you ever want to have lunch with a virtual stranger - I live in SLC & would be happy to be a listening ear at least.

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  31. I've been in that renting vs. buying boat more than once. We bought, then sold, then rented three different homes and now bought another home. It is real -- I know people dismissed us because we were renting. Tell them you're there for the long haul.

    One More Thing makes me mad too. Regularly. I have nothing to say that will make it better.

    I still think you're awesome.

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  32. I think you are not alone.
    I also think that it doesn't matter what age you are, there are things you don't let go even though you know you should.

    Not gonna give you advice like a gratitude journal....been there, done that, threw it in the fireplace.

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  33. Oh Sue, I sympathize with you. I am sorry there is a ONE MORE THING. I HATE it.

    Glad you are back! I mean really, heart beating, out of hospital, able to live your life again, back.
    Oh, and your posts too :D

    I have no good advice. I don't even have bad advice. When you figure it out PLEASE blog about it so I'll know what to do too!

    Love you. Praying for you.

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  34. I will be your neighbor. Just move to West Texas. Then I will have you teach piano to us all. And we will punch EVERYONE.

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  35. I have no suggestions. I lack perspective as well. It always seems like one more thing inspite of all the really great things already around. It sucks.

    I find I just have to repeat to myself over and over "I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed."

    Loves.

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  36. This morning I was driving and reflecting on how my life took a turn for the worse a few months ago and thought of you. Sorry. I thought of how funny you are and how good you are at still making people laugh even though you are probably feeling like you want to cry all the time. (I do cry all the time.) I think one reason I thought of you is because I was thinking of how hard it is for me to blog right now because I can't write about anything that is going on in my life -- or if there is something I can write about, I just don't feel like it. I thought of how you went a long time without blogging and how much I missed reading you. And I haven't checked back on you for a long time. I'm sorry the challenges haven't gone away for you yet. Before my life became as miserable as it has, I used to find it very easy to say "chin up" or even "buck up" but I get it now. My husband asked me the other day what I think God wants me to learn from this so I can learn it and get over it. I wanted to tell him maybe he's the one who is supposed to learn the lesson. "It's your turn to see what it's like to live with someone who is psychotic all the time, so hurry up and figure that out so I can stop being so psychotic all the time." You're right about the renting vs buying thing. Make it sound like you are there to stay. Buying is no guarantee of staying -- next door neighbor case in point. I have to say that I do get excited about people moving out of our neighborhood because I'm so curious to meet someone new. Any more, though, new people haven't been all that easy to get to know or to connect with. (Aren't I just a ray of sunshine?) So I hope you get a good replacement in that neighbor's house. Hang in there -- like I used to say: In the end, everything is ok. If it's not okay, it's not the end. I still believe that. It's just a little bit hard to remember sometimes.

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  37. Your Pollyanna mom speaks: You have a large, lovely home to live in (and smaller payments). You have a good job that you enjoy. You have beautiful, talented, sweet children who love you, and none of them are teenagers yet. You have a handsome husband who is willing to fix his mother-in-law's sprinklers, which puts him in my good-guy book (even if it hasn't rained enough to need sprinklers yet). You are getting your finances in shape (gradually, but you're getting there). Most of your children presently have playmates (and who knows, maybe a family with ten children, all of whom want piano lessons, will move in next door). You are only 1/2 hour drive from your former neighborhood and friends (they are still there and still would love to see you, no doubt). You don't live in Missouri, Iceland, or Japan. You are beautiful, intelligent and talented; and you will soon be so skinny that you will disappear (but life's problems won't). You have siblings galore who all love you, as do I. Eventually you will hopefully be as old as I am now, and then you won't be able to remember half this stuff anyway, because the brain goes first. Just keep on keeping on, my dear, and be thankful that you've lived to see another day. There. I've written your gratitude journal for you, so you also won't have to hit anyone.
    Good novels have drama and conflict, so take good notes. Your life has the makings of a best seller! P.S. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FATHER!

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  38. And...a good response to those rude enough to ask whether you are renting or buying: In your sweetest, most innocent voice say "Why do you ask?" That will usually be enough to change the subject. Or you could say, "Oh, are you a real estate broker? I'm sorry, we're not looking for a second house right now."

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  39. My perspective often goes missing, so I'm afraid I can't tell you how to get it or more of it. All I can say is that really sucks and I'm sorry. I know what it's like to feel the "one more things" just adding up like crazy and feeling like you'll just topple over. The only thing that's helped me recently (and this is weird, I know) is to just drink lots of water. The more water I drink, the more I have to do to the bathroom, the more private time I get with a good book. Weird, but otherwise the world is much too much in my face.

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  40. Oh sheesh....reading this post has has taken me back to a time when I felt utterly hopeless and depressed. UGH!

    I have been reading your blog here and there for YEARS. You are a fantastic writer. I'm just sorry you are experiencing this. It's awful.

    I wrote a little short piece on gaining perspective and would be honored if you read it and told me what you though. It may or may not be what you are looking for. :)

    Check it out here

    http://melaniesmethodicalmusings.blogspot.com/2011/05/perspective-on-lice-i-mean-life-part-1.html

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  41. okay so I'm back. I've been thinking about you all day and wanted to send you a few more links.

    Hopefully these will really help.

    http://melaniesmethodicalmusings.blogspot.com/2011/05/blessings-musical-ministry.html

    and
    better yet

    http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/more-than-conquerors-through-him-that-loved-us?lang=eng

    If what is said is true (and I truly believe it is) you had better gear up for some pretty amazing things to come.

    Have faith in God and in yourself.

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  42. Anonymous3:10 AM

    Nice Post
    http://topupdatesblog.blogspot.com/
    Pass ur comments on that also.

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  43. I very much appreciate this post. I think it's amazing that you're willing to write about it and let people comment on what you're going through. I think it's fantastic that you've got free group therapy happening here.

    Also - you have TERRIFIC commenters. I'm going to come back to this post just to read again all the snarky, compassionate, heartfelt, funny things people have said. Thank YOU for providing the forum! You're amazing, and I'm a fan! (I was going to say that I'm not the 'scary, stalker' kind of fan, but isn't that the quickest way to identify yourself as such? Nuts.)

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  44. I totally get it, Sue. You just have to ride it out and stop judging yourself. Fate seems to enjoy kicking us while we're down and sometimes grim survival is the only answer.

    It gets better (or so I've heard)...

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  45. I say blog about it, kind of like you just did. Who needs a Catholic priest when you've got a web full of commiserating sinners? And I think the gratitude journal idea got old in 1998, so you're good.

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  46. Hmm...what do I do when I feel like one more thing is the straw that breaks the camel's back? I grab a girlfriend and go. Not for long...just to get me away from my thoughts. The swings at the local playground with a coke is a favorite. And I talk my way through my drive anywhere (real life is miles away from me, so I can do that) especially if I don't want to overthink things. Sometimes it's a prayer and I'm just talking through my problems.

    And my mantra right now? Sometimes I just have to be in survival mode and that's good enough. I can survive until I'm through it.

    I keep thinking of a country song I heard awhile back {I'll censor it for you}

    if you're going through Heck,
    keep on going,
    don't slow down,
    if you're scared don't show it,
    you might get out,
    before the devil even knows you're name.

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  47. I'm sorry I missed this when it first came out. I can't seem to use a reader --not sure what that says about me.

    I'm going through a similar phase --where I just can't seem to let go of things and seem to have no perspective and it's freaking exhausting. Also, I find that I'm actively JEALOUS of other people, despite all of my own blessings. Do I have to add being a bad person to all of my other faults?

    I'm really sorry, Sue. You deserve some good luck now, you really do.

    love,
    Barb

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  48. So um...came back to your blog today after missing awhile. and I really completely sympathize.
    I'm just barely getting some perspective on the crappy that's been happening in my life the past 2 years. But only just barely. and it took a lot to get here. Including some "Excuse me, God? My life sucks now, and I'm not a big fan. If there could be a change, that would be awesome."
    As well as conversations such as "You can't kill so and so."
    "Why not?"
    "Because they will not let you have your children if you are in jail for murder, and your sister doesn't want triplet 2 year olds, she thinks one is enough."
    "Fine."
    But it is getting better. There's still some crappy, but it's getting better, and I finally have some perspective. (Some).
    So I'm thinking the same will be happening for you soon.

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  49. I think it's good to actually acknowledge to yourself what has happened and what is happening in your life. I know when I try to pretend things aren't happening it makes me crazy. Literally. Depression comes more easily. So "This bad thing is happening. It is bad. I feel bad about it. I'm going to get through this" helps.

    Then if you want to feel more gratitude, serve someone else who has it worse than you. It will also help you to feel the Holy Ghost and feel happier. The missionaries here always teach someone who could use a lot of blessings.

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  50. I'm sorry you're going through this--and everything you've had to go through in the past. It sounds terrible.

    I've been sad lately (about my petty, young-adult-don't-even-know-about-real-adult-hard-stuff). And today I was just like, okay, I'm going to take today as my sad day. And I'm going to be sad all day. Because I'm sad. I might even be sad tomorrow.

    Better than a gratitude journal?

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  51. Hi Sue. I've never left a comment before, but I miss you. Please come back.

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  52. Connie Gaston7:23 AM

    Don't usually leave comments, but miss you. Hurry back.

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  53. YES, I have been in wards where the first questions is whether or not you own or rent with all the same feelings you describe. Sorry you're in one of those. Also, this is so not my business and we don't even know each other but as an expert on these things through association, I think meds might be in order. They don't make the problems go away, it just makes things more manageable and less over-whelming. You have been through tons and tons and tons and it would be kind of a miracle if it didn't alter your body chemistry when it comes to the happiness hormones. Hang in there!

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  54. I missed this post? Ug. Sorry. As always, everything you write zings deep into my soul and hits me right where I live.

    Sorry your glass is "leaking, chipped on the side, and coated with dishwasher residue." My glass is half-full, full of what I shall not specify.

    Love you.

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  55. Sue, I'm so glad you're back! Forgive me for thinking you were gone forever. I'm putting you back in my reader:)

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  56. It's not just you, I get that same reaction quite a bit. Followed by tons of unsolicted "It'll get better" 's and thing things of that nature.

    Grrr.

    Love your blog. Found you through a comment you left on MCB. Which is kind of a stalker-ish thing to admit but I figured you'd like to know.

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