Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I Know What You Are Probably Thinking

Pin It You are probably thinking about how best to achieve world peace.

But also, ALSO, you are probably thinking, "Geez, Sue. What's the deal with the freaking blog makeover? How long are you going to force us to look at those infernal clouds?" (This probably keeps you up at night.)

Listen. I'm SORRY. I KNOW. Here is the thing about having me work with a blog designer. The process goes kind of like this:

"So, Sue, what would you like your blog to look like?"

"I don't know."

"What colors do you like?"

"All of them. Except orangey-red. For obvious reasons."

"Do you want a cartoon person at the top?"

"Yes. No. Probably no. I don't know. Maybe yes. No."

"OK, I'm not really getting a sense of what you want here."


"Help me out here, Sue."

"Make it look nice. Something nice. Cute but not too cute. Modern but not too modern, because I don't like really modern things. But also not scrapbooky. It should just make you think of my blog. You should look at it and think, yeah, that's it."

"Uh - "

"Read my archives, then it will probably just come to you. Like in a vision."


"When could you have that done by, do you think?"

She offered to give me a whole new layout, but the sheer number of "what-do-you-want-it-to-look-like" oriented decisions I'd have to make if we did that was making my brain pressure high, so I told her we'd just stick with the header for now.

(Speaking of strep (see how I snuck that in there, even though we were not actually talking about strep? SNEAKY): My doctor prescribed me something called Magic Mouthwash to make my throat stop hurting, but I'm afraid to take it because the pharmacist said it would make my tongue numb and to be careful or I might accidentally bite my tongue off. I was having visions of accidentally chewing my tongue to a bloody stump without realizing it, so I decided not to take it.)

(Also I'm suspicious of medications that contain the word "magic." It's a little too old timey and peddlerific for my liking. "Where's the COW, Jack?" "I sold him for five magic beans and some Magic Mouthwash, Mother." "You FOOLISH BOY." My throat is KILLING ME right now.)

Currently the blog designer is waiting for me to tell her what my new tagline is. I need a new tagline because of the whole "stupid dog" issue. It is apparently not kind to continue to refer to your stupid dog as a stupid dog after you've sent said dog to live with old people (old people who do not have children to bite). It makes people think you are filled with dog-hate.

(And even if you are filled with post-stupid-biting-dog-dog-hate, you should not admit to this, because then people think you must be a CAT person, but really cats suck even MORE (if that is possible), and if you admit to disliking cats and dogs (and generally anything that sheds or makes you itch in uncomfortable places), people just think you're a weird animal hating CRETIN, because everyone likes animals except for YOU, you horrible woman.) (Although really, I don't mind dogs OR cats, as long as they stay out of my house.)

So, long story short - I've been trying to think of a new tagline. All I've come up with so far is "It's Not About Oranges" which is kind of - not catchy. Help me out here... If you have any ideas for a new tagline, I'd love to hear them.


  1. Yay I'm first to comment, but BOO I have no ideas whatsoever. I'm very uninspired today - London being snowed in has muddled my brain!

    Hope you feel better soon.

  2. How about "Where sleep deprivation rules!!"

    Sorry, that's all I can come up with in my currently sleep deprived state.

  3. "It's Not About Oranges...But, if It Were, They'd Be the Juiciest"

    Do I at least get credit for trying?

  4. Not a tagline, but a note about the mouthwash: It actually IS really good for your mouth and will help it heal. My father has been going through chemo and has sores in his mouth -- the mouthwash has been a huge help.

  5. For the sore throat, you might try usnea. You can get it at health food stores, but call around first because it can be hard to find. It tastes nasty--as in, one of the worst things you'll ever put in your mouth--but it's worth it. Walmart makes a sore throat spray (that's actually what it's called) and it works really well, too.

  6. One of my favorite tag lines ever comes from Billy Joel. You may enjoy it.

    You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.

    Just throwing it out there.

  7. I like you BECAUSE you dislike dogs AND cats in your house, even if only parenthetically. I'm lucky enough to be really allergic to them so I don't have to admit to disliking them just because they are smelly and lick and are either too anxious to please or stuck up. There's always the I-have-enough-small-drooling-slash-peeing-things-to-take-care-of defense, but those things grow up and then where would I be? Stuck with a dog in the house, licking me and stinking up the joint that I just got smelling nice after the kids left.

  8. Personally, in terms of your blog header, I think you should just stick a wide angle photo of your belly button up there.

  9. I'm not a pet person either. I used to have dogs and cats and loved them, but I got over it. People do look at you weird like you're loony. And the only one in the world who is.

    (EF, I didn't know you didn't like pets too!)

    Feel better!

  10. "It's not about oranges", that's so funny. I saw picture called "emo oranges" the other day on google image search (no I did not search for emo oranges and I can't remember what I was searching for) but the picture that came up was funny and it did actually make me think of your blog. ;)

    My daily does of "Vitamin Sue".

    Except for the days you don't post.

    Then I'm so bored with nothing at all funny to read and I have no energy all day.

  11. Magic Mouthwash will also stain your teeth yellow... just FYI. In case you needed another reason to not use it.

    As for advice for your tag line... I can't even come up with one for my own blog. I'm tag line-less.

  12. "Its not about oranges" is random, and weird, and perfect!

  13. Hmmm, How about "It's cheaper than therapy."

    Or, "Everyone is a little crazy, but MY crazy if funnier than YOUR crazy."


    Lol, I don't know, I'm not feeling very "cleverish" today

  14. I love a Tonggu Momma's idea: wide angle photo of your belly button. Perfect! (Then you don't need a tagline!)

    A doctor prescribed a similar mouthwash for me once. I never used it either. I think it's still in our medicine cabinet...

  15. Oh yeah, and get well soon. No one likes s sicky!

  16. Okay, here's my vote for a tagline (taken from your previous post where you explain your blog name):

    "Where excessive introspection and self-absorption meet non-clinical insanity. (And minimal references to oranges and belly buttons.)"

    or something like that.

  17. I personally love your tag line now. The first time I came across your blog it made me laugh and I had to read on...

  18. So funny! I don't mind cats or dogs either as long as they are not in my house and belong to other people. Oh yeah and I don't want to pet your dog/cat or have them jump on me...but hate, no I don't hate them. So I totally get where you are coming from.

    As far as a new tag line, I liked the other one, all about me...but instead of dog just add something like one laugh at a time... I am not very creative though. Good Luck!

  19. I cracked up at the "stupid cow" thing. So maybe you should just keep that.

  20. Your original tag is actually what made me read on as well. I would miss it if you changed it. In fact, I advise you not to! Maybe just add a cross-out line through the words "and the dog."

  21. I too liked the original tagline. Because frankly, it should be all about you.

  22. I loved your original tag line. It made me want to read more. My co-worker laughed at it, too, and he's not a bloggy person.

    Maybe add... hopefully something cleverish will show up here.


  23. Yeah. I got nothin' here. But, when you get yours figured out, give mine a whirl. It is seriously lacking.

  24. Oh, I'm glad you asked about taglines. Not because I have one to suggest but because when my blog turns one year old this summer, I'm going to have a tagline contest. Except now I don't have to because I can steal whatever you don't use, only I'll tweak it slightly and delude myself into thinking that no one will realize I'm plagiarizing you. Dang, I'm smart.

  25. I feel much the same way about animals, and I also don't like other people's pets in my yard. We have to clean up scads of dog or cat poop whenever we mow the lawn (and by "we" I mean my husband, or the kids whom he pays per poop picked up) which is SO WRONG when we have no pets and our neighbors are supposedly responsible pet owners and Christians to boot. My husband is strangely much more forgiving of the neighbors' pet negligence than I am -- he attributes their pet-pooping permissiveness to naivete or obliviousness rather than anything more pernicious -- and I guess since he's the one who deals with all the foul output then he can be as forgiving as he wants to be (or as Jesus would like him to be.)

    Anyway, forgiveness aside, he's at least as anti-pet as I am, and he's also very allergic to cats, yet somehow he and I managed to produce a daughter who's the greatest animal lover of all time. She's almost nine now and although I'd rather wait to let her have any pets until we're at least sure we're done having human babies, I've also realized that could mean she goes her whole childhood pet-less, which she would probably never forgive me for. So I finally told her, this week, that when our new baby (expected in March) is a couple of months old, we're going to let her get a rat or two or maybe a hedgehog. (Rats and hedgehogs are both rumored to be good pets, believe it or not.) I really hope her gratitude for this will be very, very vast. (But deep down I know she'll still come up with lots of other reasons I'm the worlds worst mother.)

    Oh, you wanted tagline suggestions? Hmmm. Well, you could keep the old one but change the last noun from time to time -- like, right now, it could end "and the stupid strep." Or other times, "and the stupid mortgage." Etc. (But don't listen to me. I have a brother who web-designs and offered to help design my blog, but I was way too much of a control freak to let him near it; instead I've preferred to keep it in a pure state of primitive ugliness.)

    OH! I do have a $7 stock phoot image of two white bunnies that you can use for free if you want it.

  26. I think I would really worry if the magic mouthwash were called "Magic Elixir". But then it probably wouldn't just target the mouth.

  27. Yay for another animal hater! (I mean we don't hate, we just don't like them. Or something.)

    This is not my tagline.

  28. How about no slogan, I pray thee. Doesn't it sound all gimmicky, like every other mommy blog when we feel like we have to add a slogan? Just a thought.

    I refer to my stupid dog as a stupid dog, too. Because she IS. You don't see her walking around making eggs in an apron, do you? She's a puppy right now, therefore she's stupid.

    I also have a big objection to the word "magic" being used everywhere on products, especially those marketed towards kids. I wrote a whole awesome blog post about it.

  29. How about the original tagline with a modification.

    But definitely not about the stupid dog. Anymore.

  30. Sue, as always, you have totally cheered me up. :) Temporarily at least.

  31. I recommend peeking at www.btemplates.com. They've got a couple hundred or so, and it might help you narrow it down to what appeals to you. I do that sometimes where I scroll through, bringing previews up on the screen, then decide which I like the look of and why.

    I think what you need is a comic strip artist to do you up your header. Something as brilliantly funny as you.

  32. I'd laugh about biting your tongue off except I actually DID bite right through my tongue once while it was frozen. It was not that funny. So yeah, be CAREFUL with the magic mouthwash.
    Still: if it's actually MAGIC...

  33. You are so my kind of woman.

    And I really don't understand why you got rid of the cow. I loved the cow. Do you hate me, or what?

    I am so mad - that book I was going to send you has disappeared from the store and I cannot even remember its name or I would order you a copy from Amazon. I even had a dream where I found it and said, "Oh, yes, that was the title!" but when I woke up I couldn't remember it.

    Tagline? I don't know, but you can't have mine. How about, "It's just a blog, so calm down, will ya?"

  34. Sorry, I don't even have my OWN tagline...but I do like the "It's not about oranges" I think it is actually quite clever! :)

  35. How about using the line from the show YOUNG GUNS. doc Holliday said "I'll be your Huckleberry"........just thought I'd throw that out there.

  36. No ideas, sorry. Just want you to feel better...

  37. We have some Magic Mouthwash over here. It has lidocaine in it. Your tongue won't be numb for very long. And it's weird that your doctor prescribed you that, because it was prescribed to someone in this house for heartburn. Or maybe the doc we went to got it wrong. Hmmm.....

    also, I'm with you on the animals. I don't dislike them, I just don't want them in my house. Why is taht so hard for people to understand?

    And I say use "it's not about oranges". But if you do, what happens if one day you DO post about oranges? Then what?

  38. duh, you should keep the original tagline because dogs ARE stupid. Especially if they live with you.

    Plus, you should just make a list of the blog sites you do like then tell your designer. Because then she can get a feel for what you want without being specific. Perfect, no?

    And please don't have a cartoon lady on the top {shudders}

  39. Parenthetically speaking?

    It's my blog and I can ramble if I want to!

    It's not about the oranges....but it might be about the apples.

  40. Insert random comment here.

    (That's my personal favorite.)

  41. I love the idea of "and the stupid dog" with a strike-through! Also love the belly-button shot... What about some kind of thing involving lint? Ie: "navel gazing at it's finest; spreading the lint around" or "...: sharing the lint-love"

    I could play with this all day....

  42. We call our cat The Stupid Cat at home, but I had to change it on my blog to The Idiot Cat after I saw what you called your dog. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

    I liked the original tagline myself, but apparently there are those out there who think navel gazing has everthing to do with the orange family. Those people can shove it. I say stick with the original and strike through the stupid dog, or just make up something similar to what you had before. "Narcissism is to crazy as peanut butter is to jelly." I don't actually think you're either, but it seems to be the ongoing theme of the blog. The very, very funny blog.

  43. The idea of a wide angle of your (or any belly button) made me think of "picking out the lint" or "collecting the lint"

    ...on second thought, that might be too much.

    And I am doing the same thing right now. Getting a new header, have no idea what I want it to be, except something that screams *me.* modernish, cuteish, but not too much. (If we knew what we wanted, we wouldn't need people to make it happen for us!) contemplating changing the theme to a better title, but not sure if what I think is good is really just bad.

    ....I can't believe how much brain power I'm exerting over a stupid blog. Mine, not yours.

  44. just read about juicy oranges and this mental image popped into my head.

    two oranges in place of boobs, with a belly button beneath. Myabe not be what you're going for, but it's giving me a chuckle!

  45. "Don't worry. Your boss is probably reading it too."

    Oh wait. That one's taken.

    I don't know...so not creative. (that isn't the suggestion)

    I'm totally lame and don't have a clue.
    (that isn't the suggestion either)

    P.S. You had me belly laughing over the tongue stump.
    (that's NOT a suggestion either)

  46. We're supposed to have tag-lines? Oh. And our blogs aren't supposed to be ugly? Oh.

    And what I'm thinking is: where'd the cow go? First the dog and now the cow...mighty suspicious, lady, if you ask me. Have you seen my cat? Hm? Have you? Have you? OK, I'm done.

    On to your tagline: Navel gazing, hm...maybe some belly button lint, maybe some oranges, maybe some meditation/medication/mediation. OK, I got nothing. I shall never work at an ad agency. Anyway, good luck.

  47. I had to use Magic Mouthwash recently. Use it. It changed my world.

  48. As someone else who has two stupid dogs (a necessity for the wilds of the US/Mexico border!) I say down w/ the dogs! Actually I don't mind other people's dogs; just don't want any of my own. Although they will protect us from snakes. Maybe I should be more grateful for my dogs!

    Keep the tagline you've got & maybe add the orange bit? I don't know what to suggest but I do know that I love your writing style. And, you make me laugh

  49. No help in the tagline department, but I'm happy to know I'm not the only non-dog-lover in the blogosphere!

  50. I have nothing to give that would be interesting in the least. However, you might try looking at t-shirt websites. I think that their logos are freaking hilarious.

    Can you give sore throats via the internet? Because I got it.

  51. I have never heard of magic mouthwash, but I am still taking penicillin for my strep. My husband just got over it. Before that, his brother. Before THAT, his OTHER brother. Anyway.... I gargled with warm salt water. It reduces the swelling in the throat (by osmosis?) by reducing how much water is in the tissues, and thus, reduces the pain. I also took Tylenol, which sort of helped reduced the pain, but not that much.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  52. Oh, and you are so right - I was totally thinking about how to achieve world peace. It's amazing how you just get me that way.

  53. Okay, this is one of the funniest posts I've read all week. Maybe even all year.

  54. Got nothing for a new tagline...can't even come up with one for my own blog (and I seriously need a new header). Sorry!

  55. We call our dog Yoshi, "stupid dog" but he is fairly intelligent. If someone lets him in the house from the sun porch or yard, he quietly hides under the table. Then, once we have forgotten he is there, and open the door to the unfenced yard, he is gone. We play the chase the brainless mutt around the neighborhood until he lets us catch him game. I refuse to chase him. If I don't chase him, he comes back within 15 minutes and stares at the door, like why aren't you chasing me? He will let 2 of my kids walk up to him and catch him, the others he runs from.

    Do you really need a tag line? I don't have one and both my blogs are pretty plain/boring? I'm just lazy and do not want to waste time playing with it.

  56. You know they love you and your "delightful blog" over at Mormon Times, right?


  57. "aren't those sailors CUTE?"

    "No, not Navy naval dumby. My NAVAL... everyone should love it ('cause, you know, it IS mine after all) Mememememeeeeeee!"

    "What IS that?!?!"

    My husband says you should put up your cow again and say something about "if a cow has 4 stomaches does it have 4 belly buttons?" (I know... kinda odd)

  58. All of these comments have made me laugh. Good luck with the tagline. As far as the dogs go. We have two. It's a love/hate thing...maybe more like like/hate thing for me. My hubby and I call them Dork and Dork Jr. for fun.

  59. I love that you told your designer to read your Archives to get a sense of YOU. THAT is tag line-able.... thinking here ....

    "It doesn't get any better than this ... just read the archives"


    "Yeah, cause I said so.... just check the archives" - I dunno.

    My favorite Sue post ever was about your face. Tagline - "This IS my happy face."

    Can't wait to see your new design.

  60. I am still laughing about you thinking you will bite your tongue to a bloody stump. Such a funny line.

  61. I actually liked what you had in the first place. It's frenetic, which is appropriate, and - I have two wonderful stupid dogs, so no hate there.

    So it was strep, eh? Oh, darlin', it's good they caught it, especially if it's this virulent. Scarlet fever isn't any fun, and it's hard on the heart. And we don't need more of that. If you anti-biotic is working hard to take the stuff down from the inside, you might try Colloidal Silver. It's this stuff I only learned about when we started with the horses. It's kind of miraculous in its own way; used by human beings before the antibiotics were discovered, and was very effective.

    You buy it at Good Earth or whatever health store you can find that isn't all protein bars and weight loss herbs. It's a suspension of silver, and it kills bacteria dead on contact. it has done miracles for my horses, and we spray it on our throats when we're suspicious about them. Not that you're in any shape to go get the stuff. Sorry. I'm kind of giggling - if you look the way you sound, you'd probably scare the lights out of the poor health food store people. Would you go there wearing fuzzy slippers, I wonder?

  62. Dude, what happened to the "Something Cleverish" picture?

  63. No tag line suggestion, but...

    I actually know someone who bit off his tongue. Well, not all of his tongue, but a big chunk of it, and he chewed it AND swallowed it before he realized what happened!

    We make fun of him all the time because of it!

  64. How about this one:
    "perspectives on the ins and outs of this mortal coil"

    Get it? INS and OUTS? :)

    Ooh, then you could have little spirals for your defining symbol!

    I know--I'm brilliant.

  65. I actually like the one about oranges!!

  66. Alison - I ran out of bandwidth - I'm working on it...

  67. I agree with the folks who said you should keep the original comment and either put a strikethrough over "and the stupid dog" or write something like, "But not about the stupid dog. Anymore."

    That gets my vote. Because seriously, the first time I read that tag line I laughed out loud. (And you know I REALLY did because I spelled it out and didn't write "LOL." ;D)


  68. I just got the whole 'it's not about oranges' thing.

    Quick on the uptake, that's me.

  69. This is why I don't change the standard boring template I have on mine. I'm having the same kind of crisis over glasses right now. As for the blog, I do have an idea for mine, it's just too elaborate and I'm not going to spend money on blogging. I like the not about oranges thing, many good ideas for the blog, but as for strep, whatever happened to taking 2 extra strength Tylenol every 4 hours?

  70. How the heck do you get so many people to comment on your blog (besides threatening to DIE!) I know, I read your comments about it, but bribes haven't worked so far. NOBODY comments on my blog (probably because nobody reads my blogs - but that's beside the point). You can read my blog at:
    called "nobody cares what this old geezer thinks" (which is apparently true). p.s. If you do read it, please please please leave me a comment!

  71. No real ideas for a tagline. Hmm. Good luck :)

  72. Don't have any idea about a tagline for you, but this post..HYSTERICAL!
    You crack me up!
    And the box about not leaving you a comment...well that made me comment, cause you're right, I couldn't take sitting at your funeral knowing I had something to do with everyone being there! LOL
    Are you still following me?

  73. I'm too tired and lazy to read what everyone wrote so I just have to ask, has anyone suggested chloraseptic spray? It loses it's effectiveness pretty fast so you have to buy a new bottle every cold and flu season even if it says it's still not yet to its expiration date but it does work very very well. As for the tag line, I am sure you will think of a winner as soon as your brain is off strep.

  74. You just recieved a blog award! Go to teamwillie.blogspot to pick it up!

  75. Just reading your most recent post makes me think of...
    Outrageously Quirky
    I love it how 'random' you are ;p

  76. I hate cats and dogs.

    But not as much as I hate strep. I hate strep with a fiery passion. It is horrible. I used chloraseptic spray and Ibuprofen. Yeah, I wouldn't have thought Ibuprofen for throat pain, but for some reason it helped.

  77. Your whole dog tag-line dilema is cracking me up...sorry.

    I do hope you're not still sick.

  78. Beck's comment just made me want to throw up. And added another item to my fear list...