Friday, February 20, 2009

HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HAHA! (And Such)

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I think I'm changing it from "Very Funny Friday" to just "Friday." And you can just post whatever. Or not.

It's the Very-Low-Threshold-For-Participation Carnival. Come one, come all!

I’m still working away at those questions you guys gave me. (Never fear Shawn!)

Today, I’m answering this one from Mom Babe:

"Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, I don't really care how you met your husband. I want to know how many boys you kissed BEFORE you met him."

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BLOG SPACE IN THE WORLD TO LIST THEM ALL.

No, that's a lie.

But not because I was one of those "only kiss the guy you marry" types. No way.

It's just that I was a complete horror show in high school, and then I had a succession of super hopeless crushes that kept me out of the dating pool for months at a time. And then I got married.

But here are the ones who squeaked through the safety net.
  1. Larry Long. Seriously, that was his name. Complete tool. I’ve told this story before, but for those who missed it:
  2. At a Saturday night dance the spring I turned fifteen, I somehow ended up talking to THAT guy. You know the one - football player, extremely cute, very popular. Way out of my dating league - not that I was dating. Truth be told, I was so young for my age, so gullible, and so just plain dumb that I have to wonder why my parents ever let me out of the house.

    Larry danced with me, told me I was cute, told me he really liked me. He drove me home - almost all the way to my house, where he stopped the car, took my hand and asked me if I wanted to take a walk with him. (DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!)

    We walked down the street and he told me how much he liked me and gave me a kiss (more like a SERIES of kisses) and then eventually, veeeery eventually, I went home. I was so happy. Ugh.

    The next day he wouldn’t call me back. My best friend’s boyfriend Wayne told me that he and Larry had a bet going on to see how many girls he could kiss in one night, and I was girl number five. But Wayne told me I should be proud, because I’d taken a lot more work than some of the other girls, and that “was cool.” Somehow this was not comforting. It was my first kiss, and I was absolutely crushed.
    (I know, this is the best Funny Friday post EVER. SO HILARIOUS. Now excuse me for a minute while I go weep in the corner over my crushed fifteen year old hopes and dreams. Ha! Ha ha! Also - THANKS LARRY.)

  3. A guy I met when I was ditching school with my friend Diane a.k.a. The Very Bad Influence. It was the only time in my life that I ever had alcohol. I drank half of a wine cooler, thought this meant I was drunk, and proceeded to make out with - some random guy. After fifteen minutes I felt horribly guilty and left.

    I went to my bishop at church and confessed about my wild afternoon of debauchery, crying and asking him if there was any way I could ever be forgiven or if my soul would always be black and dark and evil. (I was lacking a little, how you say - oh, yes - PERSPECTIVE.) He managed to keep a straight face and told me not to worry about it, but to stop hanging out with Diane so much.

  4. Chris, the adorable cook at the Mr. Yogurt where I worked as a waitress the summer before college - the summer of the forty pound weight loss due to my shredded lettuce and taco sauce diet. He kept flirting with me and asking me out. I could not understand it. What was his GAME? What was his DEAL? He was very cute and funny, and I developed a sizable crush on him, but I was suspicious, because cute boys weren’t usually interested unless there were bets involved. (THANKS AGAIN LARRY.) Clearly, something was wrong with him and/or he was just playing with me. I repeatedly turned him down and insulted him, made fun of his vocabulary ("I don't think that word means what you think it means"), and generally behaved like a charm school drop-out.

    One night we were closing the restaurant together and I said something particularly insulting and he kissed me, shocking the stuffing out of me. I called and quit the next day, completely unable to deal with the situation. The situation where a cute, charming, smart guy who I had a crush on wanted to date me. {{pounds head against desk}}

  5. Oh gosh. Kent. Poor Kent. Poor incredibly shy, mom’s-station-wagon-driving, ran-out-of-money-on-our-first-date, car-broke-down-in-my-driveway-after-the-second-date Kent. I was about to let him down gently after the second date, but he wrote me a letter saying how much he cared about me and it made me feel bad. (DATING TIP: Generally, you should not kiss guys because you feel bad for them. It makes them write you a LOT more letters.)

  6. Justin. Or, more accurately, Keith.

  7. Friend who I secretly kissed a few times who I should NOT have secretly kissed a few times. I'm not going to name him because a few of my friends from back then read my blog and if Facebook has taught me anything, it's that meaningless but juicy gossip has no shelf life.

  8. Scott - the on again, off again guy who was, as it turned out, just not all that into me.

  9. My friend Heather’s friend, short Rob. I completely took advantage of him. I was on the rebound, trying unsuccessfully to make someone jealous, and this was the equivalent of grasping at very short straws. I would feel bad about it, except that right before we kissed I said, “I’m totally on the rebound.” And he said, “O.K.”

    The most awful kiss ever. I think he was trying to strangle me with his tongue. He kissed me for a minute, then said, “People say I’m not a very good kisser. What do you think?” I said, “I have to go home now.”

  10. Aaaaaand…. My husband. Out of respect for his privacy and probable complete embarrassment over this post (aren’t you glad you showed the people at work my blog? I told you that was a good move) I will not comment on the quality of the kissing, I will just say I think we went on four real dates during our entire - uh… courtship. The rest of the time we mostly spent making out in his truck.
And that about wraps it up. I tag Azucar, and Kalli, and Kelly and Melanie. And whoever else wants to share. Because apparently, now this is a meme. A meme AND a carnival post. ALL IN ONE.

(If you participate, don't forget to link back. Non-linking posts will be deleted. For more info about what's going on here, go here. Or you can just wonder. Forever.)

(wonder, wonder, wonder)


42 comments:

  1. You just gave my husband and me the laugh of a lifetime! That was too funny. I'll have to look into this Funny Friday thing... hmmm...

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  2. Oh yeah-number 2 for the second week. It's so wrong that I'm so excited about that.

    Hilarious story by the way....I'd never be brave enough to put up my "list" (Plus, I'm pretty sure that I can't remember all their names anymore....oh, and my MIL reads my blog.....)

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  3. Wow...you got to kiss a crush and it sound romantic...but then you quit! lol! That was the best one...

    You are hilarious!

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  4. A kissing post--brilliant! I'm not sure I'm brave enough to attempt it.

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  5. Oh gosh, I'm dying. This is great. I could never post anything like this because my teenagers read the blog and they would think I CHEATED on Dad at just the mention of EVER dating or, GAH, KISSING anyone else. Hilarious!

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  6. Oh my Sue! This post had me rolling. It is SO funny, maybe because it's awkwardly familiar. Larry? Are you kidding me? No, you're not, I know just what you mean. Oh man. You can totally put the "Very Funny" back. You earned it. But, thanks for lowering the bar for the rest of us. Love your blog, Sue. :)

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  7. "My husband is the only boy I ever kissed."

    That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Did you hear that Mom? Anything else you might have seen/heard/read about was all LIES.

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  8. Hmmm. I don't know if I could do your meme. I didn't kiss that many guys, but there are a couple I can't remember their names.

    Does that put me in the "skank" category?

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  9. Thanks for making me pee my pants. I have to go change now.

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  10. I like that the threshold for participation has been dropped. It's much less intimidating to participate in a Friday carnival! ;)

    Your post today was definitely Very Funny Friday worthy! Hilarious and awkwardly painful all at the same time!

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  11. Since I have managed to convince everyone around my house that I am Mother Theresa's younger-yet-more-wrinkled sister, I will pass on the meme.

    I have to say that my husband's kiss was the only one that mattered.

    No, I really HAVE to - he would throw a fit if I didn't.

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  12. Hey, I'm back now. I was just wondering if you listened to your bish and stopped hanging out with Diane so much? Hmm?

    Ummm, I think Larry had a twin brother named Doug. Mine was after a dance too, and he took me home too, but the kiss was totally awesome on my front doorstep with 2 friends watching in the car. He was scrumptious. But then I found out that he had totally made out with my friend Dawn at the dance in the hallway and got her number too! WHAT IN THE WORLD is up with the crazies at dances????

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  13. Sue, this will be the longest post ever if I play tag. I have kissed over, ahem, forty guys. That's the ones I can remember and I know there are ones that I don't. I guess this is where editing comes in. And as much as I want to revise, I will tell the truth. Just not about all forty of them. Thanks a lot.

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  14. I think I know Larry Long, especially if he has a twin brother. His wife was my kids preschool teacher.

    Nice post, and I agree with Shelle, the quitting after a kiss clasic.

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  15. I made a goal that I would kiss no more than ten guys before I got married. So when I kissed number ten, I married him. Can you imagine how bent a different guy would have been if I told him after we got married, "Sorry my love, but I've already kissed my ten guys, it's handshakes for you."

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  16. Oh! I have a guy like #3, too. And to top it off I was a jerk to him. Ohhhh, this is one of the few things I really wish I could push the rewind button on. Not because I still carry a torch, but because I was SUCH A HORRID WRETCH. Excuse while I cringe, again, at the memory, and THANK YOU SO MUCH for reminding me. Aaaaaaagh!

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  17. does this mean i have to list ALL of the guys i've kissed? because i don't remember, and those i can remember i wish i couldn't.

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  18. Just give us the highlights ;>

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  19. I am so doing this "meme".

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  20. Oh. My. Gosh. What a funny post! It definitely put a much-needed smile on my face. Thanks!

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  21. I think I shall refrain from listing mine, though if I did, I would title it The Cavalcade of Creeps (With a Couple of Nice Guys Thrown In).

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  22. OK, I am totally NOT PARTICIPATING in this meme. There's this thing out there, I don't know if you've ever heard of it, called F A C E B O O K !!! Every freakin' person who ever gave me a dirty look in High School is now my "friend" on there and my memories of that time are getting foggier by the day! Please tell me that the names have been changed to protect the innocent!! If not your are the bravest woman I know. Not only is this a meme, and a carnival it's now a "celebrity" (your totally famous, to us anyway) kiss and tell all!!! I LOVE IT!

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  23. Next to me, you look like a kissing tramp...I kissed one boy in high school, but only because we were "going out" and so it was required. I hated it.

    I have 6 kids now, so I guess I finally caught on to the whole kissing thing. But it took a while.

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  24. I'm in on the carnival, but no meme for me. I've only kissed three guys, and I can't remember two of their names. DH is the third.

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  25. Yeah. What you said. Everything you said. Thanks for making me laugh at it. Maybe now I can clean out that closet, too.

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  26. Oh, the things a mother learns! Be glad I didn't know way back then!

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  27. I think I've got some really great reasons *not* to do the meme. (But I'll look forward to reading anyone's who does.) And yours was so, so funny and entertaining.

    I actually think it's awesome that you went to your bishop. Way to be brave. (And good for him for keeping a straight face. It's probably nice for a bishop to be confronted with such an easily-resolved situation sometimes.)

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  28. Okay, wait, I've got one I can share, but I really don't want to put it on my blog (reasons, I tell you. Like that I live in the town I grew up in and so do a lot of the friends I had back when I was dating) so I'll just hide it here in your comments where no one from my past is very likely to see it.

    I lived in the upstairs of an old house in Provo, south of the BYU campus. The front door opened directly onto the long narrow staircase that was the one route upstairs. One night my boyfriend brought me back from a date and we proceeded to make out in the stairwell for probably a good 20 minutes. Then he left and I headed upstairs -- and found that all my roommates had been in the living room that opened off the top of the stairway, and instead of doing the polite thing and making some noise to make their presence known, they had kept quiet and listened to the whole thing, rolling on the floor and weeping silent tears of laughter.

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  29. Nothing is cheesier than my first kiss. I'll have to put it up sometime. Your list was great and definitely put the Very back in Funny Friday.

    MIB - I saw it, but I don't count. :)

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  30. Mrs. O -- I thought you might, but I can live with you seeing it. :)

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  31. This was a wonderfully, deliciously, funny post! Thank you.

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  32. I can so relate to every kissing debacle (did I spell that right? probably not). I was rolling with sympathetic laughter. I am so enjoying "Very Funny Friday" thank so much for taking some of the pressure off, I can handel "Friday" much better!

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  33. Why is it that I just can't be funny on Fridays? Or any other day of the week...

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  34. Ok, I did it. Pretty brave of me since 3 of them are FB friends.

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  35. How can you even remember all their names? I must be a kissing slut, because I can remember every single thing about how they all kissed, but not very many names!!

    And I will be waiting...

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  36. Wow. I`m almost glad I didn`t have my first kiss until I was, ahem, 21. At which point I basically grabbed the nearest guy and said, "I`m a kissing virgin, HELP!"

    I was also out of the whole dating game for 5 of my teen years because I was woefully in love with my best friend who thought he was just that. sigh. And when he found out I was crushing on him . . . he never spoke to me again. To this day he won`t talk to me. :P

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  37. p.s. I really want to do this meme, but my DAD reads my blog. It's just not meant to be.

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  38. I love how you give Larry Long's whole, real name then call him a complete tool in the next line. Mark & I were both cracking up. I was such a love/make out hungry girl, but didn't kiss until I was 17, so my post would be boring & embarassing. Maybe I'll do it anyway!

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  39. I thought I was the only person who did things like number 3. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

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  40. How did I miss that you answered my question? Oh, because I totally skimmed this post because I'm a loser like that and am just now realizing this how ever many weeks later because I got a stupid google alert. sigh. AND NOW I LEAVE A LAME COMMENT. I can never win. sigh.

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  41. My husband and I spent most of our dates making out in his truck, too. I mean, when you know, you know. :)

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