Sunday, January 11, 2009

This Message Will Self Destruct in Ten... Nine...

Pin It It's been a bit of a stressful week over here. The company that sends me ninety percent of my tech writing work laid off fifty percent of their workforce, and over at my husband's office, people who have more seniority than my husband were laid off. It's been a bit of a pins and needles week, you might say. I've been just a tad cranky. (I know, you're surprised to hear that bit of news, aren't you?! I'll bet you couldn't tell.)

Anyway, I've been thinking more and more about how to get rich blogging (the type of thinking my husband likes to call "living in a fantasy world") and how to get on with the whole immediate blog fame thing. (My husband's advice, "stop writing obnoxious political posts.")

I figure the way to become a Truly Big Deal in the blogging world is to become known as a Giver. A Blogging Mentor if you will. In that spirit, I give you:

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED: What Every Blogger Should Know!!!!!!:


What's a meme?
A meme is a very serious infection stemming from writer's block. It usually travels from blog to blog, and becomes more and more boring the further it travels. At the end of the blog post, you are supposed to name a few other bloggers who you'd like to see do the meme.

Many people name their friends, but I suggest naming bloggers who are much bigger than you are, because you never know, you might actually trick one of them into linking back to you, which ups your technorati score.

Um... What's a technorati score?
It has to do with links and authority and how many people generally wish you were dead.

What's a blog carnival?
A blog carnival is where a blogger tricks people into linking to her blog. This is a true fact. The blogger hosting the blog carnival is called the "Big Cheese," and the bloggers who participate are called "Carnies." Usually there is a clever graphic you must post on your blog or the Big Cheese will smack your Carnie buttocks right out of the carnival.

I keep hearing people talk about their Readers. What's the deal with that?
Google Reader makes it possible for you to read all of your favorite blogs without having to take that time consuming and exhausting extra step of actually clicking on the blog. Whenever a blogger writes a new post, it automatically shows up in your reader. Voila! No more checking blogs to see if someone has updated!

Kind and gentle bloggers let you read the whole blog post in your Reader. Selfish and greedy bloggers only let you see a sentence or two of the new post, and then you have to actually click to pull up the blog and read the rest of the post. (I know this is selfish because I once had someone email me to tell me I was selfish and greedy for adjusting my feed so that you could only see part of it. Selfish and greedy. Because she had to MOVE HER FINGER an extra time.) (Resisting urge to make a "here's a finger for ya" type joke. Resisting. Resisting. Resisting.)

Selfish and greedy bloggers do this because they want you to visit their actual blog, so they will make ad revenue off of your visit, so they can afford to pay the servants. Because bloggers make BANK on those ads man. Seriously, I'm hiring a butler next week.

How do you get people to visit your blog?
Oh! This is an easy one. I pay them. Sometimes I go visit other blogs and comment, but really that's very time consuming. I find cold hard cash works much better. Each time they comment I send them twenty bucks. (If you would like to be on my cashola visit list, please email Kristina P. - she offered to pony up the cash to cover my blog comments this month.) (I'm pretty sure that's what she said.)

Is it weird if I comment without introducing myself first?
No. Nobody cares who you are. (Except for me. I CARE. But most bloggers - they don't care. JERKS.) The important thing is the number of comments. So if you want to make an impression, the best thing to do is comment about twelve times per post so the blogger looks really popular.

I tried that, and still, people don't visit.
Try leaving really memorable comments, like, "I can see into your bathroom window from where I'm standing." The blogger will totally remember you after that.

Why do people give stuff away on their blogs?
Because they're rich. Duh. You're really new at this, I can tell.

Should I include pictures in my blog posts?
Yes.



Well, that about wraps it up for this session. If you have any blogging questions for me, I'd be happy to answer them in the comments.

87 comments:

  1. So...if I have TWO memes languishing in my drafts folder, that's........bad. Kind of like double pneumonia, but with msajor Loser symptoms thrown in??

    Thanks for clearing that up.

    I DO have some coding/geeky questions...if you know anything about that!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just one question:

    Can you please post more pictures of Mr. Darcy?

    Like maybe after the fencing match, or maybe when Lizzie saves his sister when she flubs the piano?

    That's it. Carry on being the queen of the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've found that the photo of Daniel Craig/James Bond in a bathing suit is the photo that everyone wants to see. Over and over again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Seriously, you are so darn funny.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can adjust my feed so people can't see the whole post from their reader??? I had no clue. I wonder what mine looks like.... is it whole, or just a teaser? I'm pretty sure I've been losing thousands of hits due to this ignorance. I'll really need to start working on that first "pull you in" sentence, just in case that's all people can see.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Suddenly this crazy blogging life is coming into focus and making sense. Is that why I'm laughing my head off? Yep, pretty sure it is. . .

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, But I CAN see into your bathroom from here.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know this may be getting old, but seriously, Sue, I'm in love with you. Uh, I mean, you're brilliant. (Did that really slip out? I can't believe I said that out loud. And I've never seen your bathroom window.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, I am very, very wealthy. Blogging has made me a gazillionaire, with all my ads, so I would be happy to pony up the cash. Oh, wait. I don't have any ads. Crap! Is Monopoly money OK?

    You are always thinking of other's Sue! And that's why I like you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I kept seeing the technorati site when people would google my blog. (because I totally track everyone and look to see what they typed in to find me) I had no idea what it is. So I just searched and now I once again have blog envy. I'm ranked 705,831. Lame
    Thanks for explaining it though.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I feel so informed now! Thanks for your wisdom - seriously! Is it ok to be serious?

    I will now start commenting on all the blogs I read. :-) I'll let you know if it works!

    ReplyDelete
  12. What is your full name, date of birth and Social Security #?



    Oh, wait, you said BLOGGING questions.




    nevermind.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So I clicked over here from Google Reader (because the first time I read your blog, I immediately subscribed - shameless suck up moment there) and I think I pulled something in my finger from the clicking exertion. This is my blogging related question: Is anyone legally responsible for my injury? I could use the money since I don't have any ads on my site. Yet.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What if you can't think of a memorable comment to leave because the blogger is so damn funny, no comment would even make a mark?

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm so glad you're a kind and gentle blogger, because honestly most of the time when I can only see a few sentences in my reader, I just skip the post.

    ReplyDelete
  16. do comments have to pertain to the post? or is just pasting in something or jabbering on about irrelevant things considered better than nothing. cause i had a muffin for breakfast and there are 3 hubcaps missing on my car and my son left his legos all over the family room and i'm pms and the last day of school is June 5th. just so you know.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you. This post was very insightful. Like, not very many people wish I were dead (that is good news) and I don't have any money (which is bad news, but something I already knew) because I don't do giveaways, or pay people to leave comments.

    I know Kristina has a big heart, and she is OBVIOUSLY super wealthy, living in her apartment, spying on her nude neighbors, because she has like 200,000 comments per post.

    Come to think of it, maybe you and I should hit her up for HARD COLD CASH to offset our financial woes.

    I'm sure she'll understand and be super gracious about it. SHE IS NICE LIKE THAT.

    Just ask her. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Mr Darcy? I thought it was Joseph Smith.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Questions of the universe explained. This is DEEP.

    (Lovin' the new profile picture, by the way.)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Was it wrong to say I could see in your bathroom window?? It's not like I can see much directly, but you may want to rethink the placement of the mirror over the sink. I got a bit more than I bargained for last Tuesday evening! Next weeks Enrichment activity is how to make curtains. Just an FYI! :D

    ReplyDelete
  21. This might be the best 'how to' I've read yet ;-)

    And I can't see in your bathroom window, but the kitchen one gives a great view! Do you really eat off that table :-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm lazy like Kasi. The ones that only give me a teaser have to be really, REALLY hilarious in those first two sentences or I'm gonna skip over it.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Now this, this is the kind of post I love. This is the kind I would pay actual money for (although that sounds like it directs the cash flow the wrong way from what you were saying -- I'll email Kristina right away, I'm sure she's up for covering your comment payouts.) But I'm actually not kidding; I would pay a subscription fee (or whatever) to be made to laugh in the midst of the cold dark dreary winter (and/or dreary spring, summer, or fall.) I guess I'm rich in money and poor in laughter -- isn't there a scripture about that?

    I'm glad to hear that what I thought was my bad habit of multiple-commenting is on the approved list for commenting methodologies. (Shall I break this one into several? I think it's long enough to break into parts.) (Also, what is your policy on number-of-parentheticals per comment?)

    And I'm REALLY REALLY sorry about your pins-and-needles week. May you become the next queen of the blogiverse (and hopefully without having to leave the church and go through severe postpartum depression to do so -- but, whatever it takes, right?)

    ReplyDelete
  24. roflmbo...

    Umm... Hi Im jessica... =)

    And your hilarious!! I love reading your blog....selfish/greedy... I dont care... keep it up!!

    Oh.. and come check out my blog carnival.. hahahahahahaha =)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm buying whatever you're selling! You are the best!

    ReplyDelete
  26. One: Where's my check and

    Two: Thanks for explaining to me why sometimes I can read the whole post in Reader and sometimes I can't. How do I make sure my Reader readers can read my post in its entirety (because I don't check stats so I don't really care if they click on my blog, although I do like a comment or two)?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ack--you don't take anonymous comments anymore? This is really compulsive writer

    ReplyDelete
  28. .....and it all begins to make sense now...my lack of blog dominance is explained.

    I was thinking I would just start posting naked pictures but I'm worried that will attract a very niche commenter to my own slice of the blogosphere.

    I better think of a Plan C.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Holly and I can see in your bathroom window from where we're standing. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Well, rest assured that I CANNOT see into your bathroom from here in California.

    Unless I use my super-high-powered telescope.

    What?

    *dies laughing*

    I also don't have Google Reader, so I always click over and give you the ad revenue. Does that make me kind and gentle as well? ;)

    Marste

    ReplyDelete
  31. Great stuff. I especially liked the random photo of Mr. Darcy. And the comments are just as good! Except mine, which is too straightforward and earnest to be funny. Oh well. To some is given to be funny and to some is given to appreciate the funny ones.

    ReplyDelete
  32. dang, i wish i could think of a blogging question to ask you-but I can't right now, and i've had your page open for like over an hour now and yeah, well nothing has come to me so far. and pretty much any comment i leave to this post would be my lame attempt to be funny...and that's, well, impossible!

    ReplyDelete
  33. You summed up blogging so well! I'm very impressed.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Thanks for answering all of lifes important questions.

    Another way to get them to respond---piss them off!

    Especially if you live in another state---what are they goin a do? Nibble on your bum? (this said with a British accent)

    ReplyDelete
  35. In the new photo of your head, you kinda look like Madonna.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Forgot to introduce myself---that was me, Shawn on the last comment---the one that thinks that she is a lot funnier than anyone else does...

    Seriously, I am funny in person.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Dang! I thought Kristia P loved ME! Now I know she is paying people to love you...which means she must love you more than me. Or maybe she is giving you her money because she is giving me her love.

    Or maybe I just need a diet coke.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I am in love with you.

    Will you remember me? Eh? No? Oh well. Maybe I can get a satellite to direct toward your window ...

    ReplyDelete
  39. I love it when you get all smarmy and sarcastic... But then again... when are you NOT smarmy and sarcastic. Never mind.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I still think you'd get way more traffic if you would advocate capital punishment for puppies.

    1 down, 11 more to go...

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh, and blogging injuries are for real, you selfish, greedy blogger, you!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Thanks, that was a very informative post. I didn't understand most of it..but I'll look it up.
    I do have a question. And you've probably addressed this, but I've read every single one of your posts for the last 8 months or so....And I hate to be a pain....so I'll just whisper it and if you don't want to answer, I'm really fine with that.
    Here it is...(in a whisper)...any news about when NieNie book will be available to buy, to brag about, to give to friends?

    ReplyDelete
  43. Here's the problem that I have: I am a very gracious commenter ... and I always reply back to my commentees ... but that is probably because there is maybe only 1-3 people that comment per post. So, MY problem is that I graciously comment ... and I SEE the people coming to my site ... but I DON'T see them comment.

    How sad. How sad sad sad. ;-/

    Oh, well. Maybe one day.

    ReplyDelete
  44. WOW you are SO full of GREAT knowledge oh wise one!

    I honestly hate MEME's so no WONDER I don't get any hits...

    Thanks for the advice!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Sue I can't believe how helpful and nearly-omniscient your are. I think it's really wise to have this message self-destruct because you don't want TOO many people to pick up on your trade secrets and make all the money that is clearly destined to be yours. Maybe those of us who take these tips and follow them to wealth and fame should give you a kickback of our fortune. Okay fine. If you get a check for 2.7 cents in the mail, you'll know it represents 40% of my annual blogging income. Does that seem fair enough?

    ReplyDelete
  46. i actually clicked out of google reader to come visit your blog. and now i will click on one of your ads. hopefully that will help you get rich.

    anything i can do to help.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Compulsive asked, "How do I make sure my Reader readers can read my post in its entirety (because I don't check stats so I don't really care if they click on my blog, although I do like a comment or two)?"

    If you are using Blogger, go to Settings, Site Feed, and then in the Allow Blog Feeds area you can select a Full or Short feed. Short will give them a sentence or two, Full will give them the whole thing. The default is Full, so if you've never messed with it, they are seeing the whole thing.

    Zina - The more the merrier, that's my policy.

    Janie asked, "Any news about when NieNie book will be available to buy, to brag about, to give to friends?" I'm waiting for the mailman to deliver the latest version of the book sometime this week. If everything looks o.k., I'll release it the next day and let everyone know.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Umm...Sue? Aren't you already hugely famous? I mean, are you actually striving for famous-ER?

    Madwoman.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Err...wait...does calling you a madwoman negate my future ability to ride to new heights on your coat tails? 'Cause I was so planning on doing that.

    I meant it nicely. Honest.

    ReplyDelete
  50. i got so rich off of my google ads i had to take them off because i felt bad about it. hand over fist people, hand over fist.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Kimberly, it will never be enough until I have enough cash to fill my money swimming room.

    ReplyDelete
  52. That picture made me bust right out loud.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I've found that pictures of Jason Statham really increase my site visits. But that may just be me.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I'm laughing so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  55. What a great post of reference. Oh and by the way, that shirt you are wearing totally does not go with the rest of your outfit.....not judging...just saying

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    Have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Memes - HUH - Ponderous
    Wait...You mean leaving comments on other people's blogs doesn't make them click on your Blog? No wonder I have no comments!! Either that or I totally suck at Blogging. Either way it's keeping me from posting a new post. I NEED COMMENTS PLEASE. Or I'm quitting my blog. It's comments or Xanax and I hear there's a co-pay for Xanax, so help a sister out, K?
    I don't have any Blog Payola money but I will promise to comment on yours if you do the same! (not begging, really, that would be pathetic...)

    ReplyDelete
  57. I'm just a lowely little blogger with about 2 comments per post, so my comment here is purely selfish!

    ReplyDelete
  58. Well I luvs ya Sue!!! And I live like on a whole other continent... do you get extra points for pulling in INTERNATIONAL readers? Hey?

    ReplyDelete
  59. This is all way too complicated. No wonder I don't have a blog. I'm lucky to find the "on" button.
    Laying off people with lots of seniority makes sense because they are paid more and are closer to retirement payouts. Keep the penniless peons in slavery for thirty more years, please.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Ok, I'll leave a comment every time you post a Colin Firth photo. Deal?

    ReplyDelete
  61. Until today I was completely blog illiterate.
    I bow to your wisdom.
    Where's my $20 bucks?
    K~

    ReplyDelete
  62. LOVE the picture. And the writing. :)

    ReplyDelete
  63. I got no questions. just sharin' the love.

    and I will never againg to do a meme. Not that I've ever done one before or love saving them for days when I have nothing to blog about.

    love the carnival idea. I have never heard of it. maybe because I'm not catholic?

    ReplyDelete
  64. I do quite enjoy the way your mind works. BUT I want to know: do you have time to read ALL your comments?!

    ReplyDelete
  65. Throwing you a bone. Actually clicked on your blog vs reading it in reader --- and posted a comment.

    ReplyDelete
  66. LMAO. I use a reader, but I click over to comment. Also, the Mr. Darcy picture doesn't hurt either. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  67. I've about decided that the whole blogging thing is a giant Ponzi scheme. But I'm not giving up my blog anyway. Nor my three readers.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Hi Sue --Thanks for all the tips! I set up a google reader, but I can access any of the comments. Is there a trick to that? Or do you lose the comments if you're using a google reader?

    ReplyDelete
  69. Hi Marilyn - Yep, you have to click over to the blog to read the comments. ;>

    ReplyDelete
  70. Now I have to go figure out how my blog is showing up. This is going to cut into my own blog-surfing time.

    And I'll just leave it at that. I can't possibly say anything that would come close to matching your snark, so I'm going to be lazy and not even try.

    ReplyDelete
  71. That was the best explanation I have heard yet. Wish you'd written that a year ago.

    ReplyDelete
  72. I am not a selfish and greedy blogger.

    I have mine on to where it doesnt even show a sentence. You know why? BC I have a reader and I take the time to comment, but I know that most dont. And I am a comment whore. So in an attempt to get a comment, I force them to the page, where hopefully they will take 1 min and comment.

    Its frustrating to see people coming to your page everyday and NEVER leave a comment.

    But actually I have finally gotten over my comment equals love mentality and just blog for me.

    ReplyDelete
  73. You're funny, and I like your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  74. I totally am a Virgin Blogger --still trying to find "readers, blogger friends" if I could pay them to visit my site I WOULD (maybe I could cut back on my tithing for this purpose) Some people have SO MANY COMMENTS I think they'll never get around to my comment (therefore I never know if it was read) so I could say things like "you are probably a drunk and sleep around" and you'd never know cause you never get this far. JUST KIDDING!!!!! I am sure you don't sleep around. take care

    ReplyDelete
  75. Now that I know the rules, I'm going to comment with no introduction =)

    Love the blog, love this post. Is it still selfish and greedy if I limit how much is seen in a reader if I just want people to look at my actual blog to see the awesome prettiness of the layout? I swear I don't have any moneymaking ads!!

    ReplyDelete
  76. You have a brilliant cynicismistic streak. Can I be one of your Carnie's?

    And how do you pronounce MEME? Is is me-me or meem? And do you think people who actually do them are narcissists?

    Would you tell me about Obama again, please?

    ReplyDelete
  77. wow. impressive number of comments. And i will comment on your need of comments: Agreed. Comments are vital to the blog's life and the authors fulfillment.

    I also like the new Mr. Darcy from the P and P with Keira whatever her name is. Post a couple of those too.

    ReplyDelete
  78. This was a fantastic post - made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  79. hi, um, i would like to get my twenty dollars in the form of snaks please. thank you

    ReplyDelete
  80. hi :)

    I've spent the last two days reading all of your archives...I really don't mean to come off as stalkerish but...yeah. So now I'm finally at a post "recent" enough for me to comment.

    I so totally had so many comments for your old posts (as your comment plea said, I DID want to comment but didn't think you'd ever see them)

    So anyhoo, I have a question-- How are you able to see how many hits you have, where they are looking from, etc etc? I have looked all over trying to see how and I see you mention that all the time...

    teach me, O Wondorous Blogger By The Name Of Sue.

    ReplyDelete
  81. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it was Joseph Smith! NOT that there's anything wrong with that....

    ReplyDelete
  82. great list.....I'm still trying to get it figured out.

    ReplyDelete
  83. Ready to be the Carni to your Big Cheese. Bring on Fridays!

    ReplyDelete