Monday, August 25, 2008

Ways To Be Dumb - Walking Edition

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  • Sometimes, when you are walking and listening to your Ticked Off playlist on your IPOD, you will feel the urge to kick some serious butt, and you will need to do some spontaneous karate chops and perhaps some boxing (depending upon how long it has been since you last saw Miss Congeniality). This is why it's important to go walking AFTER DARK.
  • Sometimes, when walking through the very dark park on the very dark trail you will feel the urge to stop and warn your would-be attackers not to mess with you, by turning around, karate chopping the air and saying, "I SEE YOU. I KNOW YOU ARE THERE. I WILL KILL YOU. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING." (For best results, say this in a very deep, evil sounding voice. This will scare away any would-be attackers and/or small children.)
  • Sometimes you will get super super paranoid and you will all of a sudden break into a fast run, just to throw your would-be attackers off balance.
  • Sometimes you will get very winded because hey, out of shape, and you will decide it makes more sense to just hide.
  • Sometimes you will hide behind a tree and then you will realize, hey freak job, there's nobody there. But then you will think, WAIT, what if that's just what they WANT me to think, so you will wait there for another couple of minutes, just to be on the safe side.
  • Eventually the need to pee will outweigh the need to be a total whack-a-doodle scaredy cat, and you will scurry off, heading for the safety of home as fast as your cowardly little carcass can carry you.

47 comments:

  1. Sometimes those things WILL happen, won't they? I love this. I'm not sure I've actually DONE very many things on this list, but I've certainly thought over and over in my head about doing them, or being prepared to do them as soon as I heard a noise or something. So glad you had the sense to high-tail it home before you wet yourself, which is probably what would have happened in my case. (full bladder + fear = not a great combination)

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  2. I once drove through the city of Mesa using my Daisy Duke driving skills because I was convinced I was being followed! Why do we scaredy cats insist on going out after dark?

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  3. All reasons why I don't walk after dark anymore...

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  4. What about holding your breath so you can hear better and then getting dizzy.

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  5. Or maybe you should just drop your drawers right there in your hiding place and let it all go. That way you'd still be safe from your would be attackers. Or they would be so grossed out that they would leave you alone. Either way-a win-win situation.

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  6. Sue, you are so funny!

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  7. You're the funniest. Ever. It's true.

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  8. The need to pee trumps everything.

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  9. I've worked myself up like that many times. Darn that good imagination!

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  10. Is it bad that I break out into that panicked run INSIDE my own house? I have a 6th sense that warns me when a rabies ridden raccoon is about to find a way to open the backdoor and chase me upstairs and wrestle me to the ground for my peanut butter toast.

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  11. It's possible you might consider a new playlist!
    You're too funny.

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  12. This is why you should ALWAYS make sure to go to the bathroom before leaving home.

    Or just get a treadmill.

    But then you get freaked out, because the treadmill is so loud that you wouldn't be able to hear if a would be attacker was to break in your house and sneak up behind you.

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  13. Heck, I go through all those steps when I'm in my basement after dark.

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  14. I deny any personal knowledge of this freaky process of yours.

    Not me.

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  15. Thanks. Now I have an excuse to tell my husband of why I can't go out after dark by myself!

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  16. Sometimes? I do this all the time. I developed my Olympic-worthy mad sprint skilz during my nightly taking-out-the-trash escapades.

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  17. You are all INSANE!!!!
    And that's why I keep coming back.

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  18. I was walking home from work on a walking trail one day and I came up behind a woman walking with her headphones on, obviously out for exercise. We were walking in the same direction, but after a while she came to believe that I was following her (I'm assuming) and she started to walk faster. The idea that someone like me was out to attack this woman amused me to no end. So I started to walk faster, too. She kept looking behind her and then started to jog, so I jogged, too. Then she ran like she was fleeing for her life, but I couldn't catch up.

    I still think it's hilarious, but everyone I've told about this incident thinks I'm a terrible person. I disagree. Mischevious, yes. Terrible? Nah. I guess this is just the sort of evil person I am. Good times, good times.

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  19. I just think it's great that you go out jogging at all. I am too lazy. Very funny post, BTW.

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  20. Oh, I don't jog. I sort of... amble.

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  21. You're braver than me. I wouldn't be out after dark by myself, hiding behind trees. At least not if I suspected evilness out there.

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  22. Thanks for the Monday morning chuckle! My husband thinks I'm a big ninny for being scared of the dark, but you do what ya gotta do, right? Even if what ya gotta do is hightail it home for the sake of your sanity (and bladder). :)

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  23. You and Dwight Schrute would make a fearsome pair walking in a dark park together.

    Fun blog by the way :)

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  24. I have had that exact same experience.

    Except with no ipod...just the music in my head.

    Ha! I'm weirder than you! Neener neener neener!

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  25. Holy cow, too funny. I'm glad *I* never do stuff like that.

    No, really.

    I don't.

    I swear.

    Ok, maybe that one time.

    Well, maybe twice.

    Ok, maybe I do it a LOT, I admit it, for crying out loud, stop badgering me about it already!

    LOL ;)

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  26. Oh, my! Did you write this post after observing me? I have heard you tend to stalk. hahaha.

    Once to teach me a lesson (back in HS) my neighbor followed me during my nightly run and after about a mile tapped me on the shoulder. I probably peed a little, I was so startled! He advised me to stop wearing headphones in both ears. :)

    Now I am always ADD when I running.

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  27. Ooo! I know how that feels. Although I generally put my keys in between my fingers so I can take him down when he tries get me. And somewhere I heard that boogie-men are much less likely to attack a confident looking woman than a timid one, so I try to do the bold and brisk walk. Then I'll stop suddenly, just to catch his footsteps tip-tapping longer than mine. It has worked every time. Nobody messes with the Jamester!

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  28. My solution is to just NOT exercise. Then no one can chase me.

    Of course, then they can rush in my house like they do in the ADT security commercials....

    Better go lock my door...

    And check the windows.

    Dang- now you got me all paranoid!!! ☺

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  29. Oh you too? Gol, thought I was the only one.

    I used to have to close a restaurant at night (after midnight), in the dark, making sure all doors and whatnot were locked tight. I would talk to myself the whole time, cause that's just the first sign of sanity!, saying "It's okay. This is BF Oregon. Nobody's going to get you."

    Course, that didn't stop me from hightailing it back to the car and locking the doors as I peeled outta there!

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  30. i get myself all pumped up, like saying "i'd PITY the FOOL that tried to mess with ME"...even though i'm 5 foot even and my husband can pick me up and toss me across the bed (oh, woops, TMI)...

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  31. you make me laugh. i'm too chicken to even start walking after dark.

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  32. oh...I love blogs that make me laugh. You are a hoot and have a great way of expressing it! I enjoy your blog.

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  33. Here's a quote from one of my favorite books: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon waiting to bite your face off."

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  34. In my heads I'm picturing you with the head phones and the karate chops and it is delightful.

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  35. So sorry, just one head. Singular. (It isn't nearly enough, but it is all I got.)

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  36. Maddison5:57 PM

    Very funny! All those things go through my head whilst walking alone, etc., but I never even have the guts to hide/run/karate chop. *Sigh* I do carry my keys in between mu knuckles though! Yay me for being prepared!

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  37. Maddison5:59 PM

    Beeswax - your grammatical error is VERY funny! lol

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  38. This is exactly why I had to get a dog. Of course, HE would no doubt roll over on his back and pee on himself if anyone ever approached but...well, they dont know that. THEY--you know, the attackers. All of them. Just waiting to catch me in a canine-less moment. I know they're out there.

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  39. LOL!!!

    I don't go out and do anything once it's dark, unless I have someone else with me. I won't even go outside to feed the dog in the dark!

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  40. Sue, you are the reason psychologists have job security. But you're also hilarious and I love you.

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  41. It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's a big scardie in their own home. I live in the boonie's and my husband always says, "Who's gonna get you out here?" I say, "All the people who stalk me in town and follow me (the 14 miles) out here!" Oh, and not to mention were basically on the sand dunes so any of that traffic might decide to make a stop at our house.

    I really do sprint up my stairs from my basement as fast as I can all the time so I can get into the main living area before they can grab my ankle.

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  42. haha...hilarious!

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  43. You are so funny!!! Thank you for giving me something so funny to read today. You could also add the "talking to yourself" thing. You know... "There isn't really anyone there. It is really just in my head. I am sure tht there is no one there. I am just a freak who is easily scared. Because really there isn't anyone there. Wait! What was that?!?!?!"

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  44. I'm thinking your imaginary stalker needs a video camera.

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  45. I may or may not have done most of those things myself... I don't like dark and get totally paranoid.

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