Sunday, July 20, 2008

Possibly Even Fifteen Monkeys

Pin It I don't know why I can't stop talking about this. Something is wrong with me.

I just feel compelled to keep talking. (I get really obnoxious at book club too. They can't shut me up. I always leave thinking, "When are you going to learn to stop talking? Why can't you be quiet and listen? Try to be normal!" But I can't help it. Books make me crazy.)

Here's the thing. I was so surprised by the comments in the posts for the book which shall not be named.

I couldn't believe people thought I wouldn't get the whole giddiness of being fifteen and in love.

They are so wrong. I TOTALLY get that. I just didn't get being fifteen and in love, and also a robot.

Maybe I haven't really shown it on the blog, but giddy romantic drivel? That's not just what I like, that's WHO I AM. What do you think I'm doing when I'm rollerblading around the neighborhood? Thinking about the environment? NO! I'm making up romantic stories in my head. I mean, come on! Don't you know me at all?

I've written something like nine-and-a-half very silly, sappy, fluffy, short little romance novels. I'm the only one who has ever ever ever seen them. But writing them, and reading them, and then writing them some more, and then reading them some more? Was a vastly self-entertaining process that I got a lot of pleasure out of.

Now I'm trying to write an ACTUAL novel, for ACTUAL publication, and true to form, it's pure romantic drivel with a little humor sprinkled in there for good measure. (I tried to write something more important, but I just don't have it in me. Sappy but entertaining fluff, that's totally my market.)

I'm not trying to compare anything I could write to Twilight. EGADS.

The Twilight books are very well written, and obviously millions of people think they're wonderful - they just weren't my cup of tea, for all of the reasons I mentioned in my original post.

But in a writing throwdown? With one hand tied behind her back, a blindfold on, and fourteen monkeys chewing on her calves, Ms. Meyer would kick my kiester all the way to Vermont and back again. I'll bet she even knows how to use a semi-colon appropriately.

When/if I ever get something published, people will read it and say, "What was she talking about? Twilight totally kicks this book's butt. Hands down." And then they'll mock it on their blogs, and I'll cry, and my three remaining fans will try to defend me, and they'll get hate mail on their blogs, and eventually they will renounce me too (because resistance to Twilight is futile), and my husband will be so embarrassed he'll leave me, and I'll end up alone and penniless and begging in the streets and wishing for a nice warm bun, kind of like Sarah in the Little Princess before she was rescued by the nice man from India. Like that. (I can see the future, didn't you know?)

So I'm kind of wishing I'd never, ever, ever said anything about Twilight other than, "HEY, NICE BOOK."

So for the record?

Ms. Meyer?



  1. hahahaha! I think your book will be exceptional BECAUSE of the humor...I read your blog because it makes me laugh and you write extremely well...I can follow your not so much!

    I can't wait for your book...only we won't really know its YOU if you put a different name...ya know...writing under a Pen name!!!

  2. You crack me up a whole lot. I just came over here tonight for the first time and am catching up on the hoopla.

    So, what do you think about the movie casting then? The Cedric Diggory character from HP being Edward?

  3. You'll do a great job. But (she selfishly asks) does this mean you'll be posting less? I can't wait to read your book. Will you sign my copy?

    By the way, just because you can't do it better doesn't mean you have to like it. Because you bet your boopy that even the worst soprano at the worst opera can kick my butt singing. It doesn't mean I like her style. I couldn't outpaint Picasso, but I don't feel anything when I look at his work, so I don't.

    I don't believe that I have the seeds of a great novel in me. I do believe that I could crank out some seriously entertaining regency romances if I set my mind to it. Of course, no one but me and my sister still read the genre, but hey that's what I got.

  4. I just read it for the first time. Like, two days ago. Incredibly well written, fascinating plot line, but...umm.


    I just deleted what I wrote here because I don't want people to track me down and send me hate mail too.

    But I feel ya, babe, I really do.

    And I'm thrilled to bits you're writing for extra-special serious now. Me too! Me too! Such a cool feeling.

  5. You are hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

  6. No way would I write under a pen name. I would want all the glory. ALL FOR ME ME ME ME ME. Then again, that would mean I would get all the mockery too. I'll get back to you on that one.

    I have no opinion on the casting, except that I got my copy of Entertainment Weekly last week (shut up, my National Geographic subscription totally cancels out my EW subscription) and the guy looks like he might be dying of galloping consumption. Which I realize is kind of the point, but still. Not attractive.

    Of COURSE I'll still post. I'm pretending like it's good for the eventual book, if/when it ever happens. I'm not just wasting time blogging, I'm BUILDING A PLATFORM. See?

    Kimberly, you're all brave though, posting your novel as you go. I could NEVER do that.

  7. Your book will be funny! :) I look forward to reading it! :)

  8. Now see, I enjoyed the book (on a purely mushy level), but I wouldn't even go so far as to say that it was particularly good. I was intrigued by the STORY, but the writing itself was, well, let's just say I know it was written for teens, but it also could have been written by a teen. Take it from someone who's taught high school English. It's not adult level reading or writing.
    I think your original comments were great. How boring would the world be if everyone had the same opinions about everything?!

  9. I think your book will be fab-u-lus! It's funny to me how some postings cause people to get into such an uproar. So you didn't like the book. what. I liked em AND happen to like reading you. :) Have a wonderful day...just keep thinking about your move back home!

  10. And if that bad stuff happens, you can write another book full of pathos, tragedy, disappointment, conflict, and probably some humor in there somewhere. I hope your first novel is published in my lifetime. I would love to read it!

  11. Of course, the best writer in the family may be the little six-year-old guy at "What's That Smell."

  12. I am so buying your book. And I won't mock it on my blog. In fact, it will be featured on my weekly Bloggy Book Club, if I manage to stick with that idea for more than a month (I've got a short attention span).

    And don't let all those Twilight-lovers bully you! A book can be bad, even if it is written well. Not that I've read it. So I'm not saying it's bad. Sue said it's bad. Don't hurt me!

  13. Oh, and I'm building a platform, too. A really tiny one. It's cuter that way.

  14. Step away from the keyboard. You have to be stopped. hahaha

    No, don't stop. You are entertaining me...

  15. HA! You kill me.

  16. The Little Princess reference just made my day. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! I've never read Twilight, and I don't think its terrible that you don't LOVE it. Looking forward to reading your romance novel though..

  17. I'm beginning to think I just may have to read the book so I can decide if I like it or not. Would I be one of the crazy fans? I really do like Harry Potter. Not enough that I ever went to a Midnight party so I could get the book then, but I did pre-order my books so I got them that day without going to the store (not that it would have been a problem). I've even read paranormal romances in my time and um, liked them :) Maybe I'm warped ;) Ok... my family would say I am MOST DEFINITELY warped :)

    But haven't read Twilight - so I can't say if I'd like it or not.

    I can say this though. It's ridiculous to expect everyone on the entire planet to like the same thing. So, if I *do* read the book and I end up liking it - I'm pretty sure that I'm safe in saying that I'll still like you too, Sue.

  18. So you like the love stories? You might be interested in some gems I spotted at the grocery store last week: Harlequin has a new line of NASCAR romances. Those sound like they'd be right up your alley.

  19. Sue, you are so funny! I would read your book and I would probably love it! And this is your blog so you should be able to write about whatever you want!

  20. sue, i don't actually consider reading teenage romances a valid activity for, you know, ADULTS, but i tried this book, just to see what the hype was, and i found the writing ridiculous (i agree, more like a teenager wrote it than writing for teens), the plotline redundant and boring, and the characters repugnant.

    can't wait for your book.

  21. Sue,

    I'm a new reader, and if you would like, I would be happy to publish your Twilight hatemail in my anti-Twilight rant here...Bwahahaha


  22. Seriously, I don't even know what Twilight is and don't care to know.

    But, I enjoyed your review and now the defense of your review.

    And I would totally read a book by you with the humor thrown in.

    And I need to stop starting sentences this way because it is probably not the greatest grammar, is it? Oh well....I'm a "professional writer" (ha, ha) so I guess I can do it all I want!

  23. Isn't starnge that when it comes to books or movies that DON'T have die-hard, panting fans, no one really cares or argues about opinions. Everyone's allowed to like (or even love) or dislike (or even hate) a particular work.

    But bring up something as HUGE as Twilight or HP, and suddenly if you don't agree it's the best thing ever, something is wrong with you.

    We're all entitled to our opinions. (Thank heavens--what a boring world this would be if we all liked exactly the same things!) If Twilight didn't move you (and it didn't move me either), there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm betting a lot of books I absolutely LOVE are hated by other people. That's totally fine.

    As for your writing, there's definitely big audience out there that loves light romances. If you've completed that many manuscripts, I'm betting you've developed some serious writing chops! (So submit already!) :D

  24. I can't believe people get so defensive about these books. I really enjoyed reading the Twilight series but I can totally understand the robot thing.

  25. I will be one of those three remaining fans, and when your husband leaves you, you may come and stay in our basement till your royalty checks start coming in... and the WILL!

    I'll be the first to admit publicly that the number one best thing about Twilight and the following books are the Hott Vampire Make-out Sessions. Will you have Hott Fluffy Make-out Sessions in your book? Cuz that's the Money-shot, so to speak, of the teen/mommy literary scene. So yeah, I hope you do!

  26. dan,

    thanks for linking to that article. it was awesome and perfectly described my own feelings about the book. i especially liked this part:

    "I have a feeling that if guys all over America started reading a series of novels about a man married to a woman who has a perfect figure, always goes to the gym, never presents herself without being perfectly made up, loves football, is financially independent, and perfectly accommodates all his sexual desires, women would probably call that series twisted and unhealthy, and rightfully so. But I suppose objectification is fine as long as it’s someone else’s ox being gored."


  27. I mean... and "they" WILL

    sheesh... I need an editor.

  28. I love the line about fluff being your niche. I'm right there with you. I haven't even tried to write something that matters, I'm just not that deep.

  29. am I one of the three..... there have to be MORE than THREE!!!!

  30. What is WITH the mentally ill amount of attention that certain books/tv shows/musicians attract? I mean, you could write a nasty post about my favorite book and I wouldn't be "I h8 u! I hope u get hit by a bus!".
    But then, my favorite books don't involve teenagers making sweet, sweet luv with vampires, either. Maybe that's it.

  31. Thank you for validating my decision not to read that book. I read the back cover copy and thought, ickkkk, all we need is another story about women falling for dysfunctional relationships...oh, and let's call it "the beauty of young love" while we're at it.

    Send your hate mailers my way. I'll lick'em for you.

  32. For what it is worth, I read the first one and thought it was way over rated. I couldn't even get into the second one. I was mad that my teenager read them before me because it was WAY PG13. It had me hot and bothered and that is hard to do. No wonder so many hormone ridden kids don't leave home without their copy. Now My daughter is waiting for a vampire to come and whisk her away.

    Wow! That felt good to come out of the closet! And no I have no email.

  33. I love your title, and your labels. You crack me up!

  34. Bwahahaaaa! Girlfriend, if you wrote a book I'd be the first one in line for my signed copy.

    And I liked the books (you know that because I think I may have recommended them to you...sorry) but if anyone said anything mean about you and I was around...I'd tell them they were like, stupid or something. I got your back homeskillet.

  35. I am sure I would love any book you wrote, even though I hate romantic drivel.

  36. I didn't comment on all your Twilight stuff 'cuz I was pretty busy with all kinds of other things. I personally love the books, but IT'S FINE WITH ME that you don't! Really. Everyone has their own opinion, and I'm in love with you. So no hard feelings.

    I can't believe people got som worked up over it! It's a BOOK, for crying outloud. Just a fleshed-out dream Stephenie Meyer had. She didn't mean to write the next Harry Potter. Bella's a bit melodramatic, and kinda stupid for falling in love with someone who wants to kill her. Edward's a bit controlling, but he's just trying to keep her safe, once he gets past the whole wanting to kill her thing.

    Okay, I didn't mean to comment on the book. Just happened. Bottom line: I agree with some of your opinions, but I still love the series and can't wait for the movie.

    And I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to read the book you publish!

  37. Your book will be in a category all it's own that too many people will love. And shouldn't that be Sister Meyer to you? JK. You can see the future. You knew I was planning to think someday. I super-glue linked the mormom mommy blogs and navel gazing for ya!

  38. Cracks me up how people get so bent out of shape over something so, uhm, inconsequential in the grand scheme of life.

    I liked Twilight okay, and although I do have some issues with it (and have told all of my girls that they never let a boy in their bedroom, vampire or not!), I'm not above riding the Twilight gravy train myself. It's just a little harmless fun.

  39. Just discovered you recently, and enjoying immensely!

    The thing about Twilight that impresses me is that even with all these obvious flaws, and they are flaws -- in characterization and motivation, primarily -- it is still impossible to SET THE BOOK down.

    Some people might write technically perfect books, but the true genius is in writing a book that should be fatally flawed but instead is completely compelling.

    If someone (like Stephenie Meyer) can make me almost want to wait in line all night to get the next book EVEN THOUGH I hate how retarded Bella can be -- now that is talent!

    And it proves that storytelling is so much more (and magical) than just A)characters + B)plot = C)a book.

  40. If your book is half as good as your blog I will buy it. I promise, you will always have a reader in AZ no matter what the twilight junkies think.
    I have been moving the last week and had serious withdrawels waithing for the internet to get hooked back up.

  41. Sue, if you write a book, you're going to have to develop a REALLY thick skin, because you will probably have huge legions of fans (hi! me!) and then other people will get all high and mighty and say how much they hate your book just because everybody else loves it.

    I'm NOT saying you did that with Twilight, in fact, I don't think you did at all, because I think you went into it genuinely thinking you would enjoy it. But I know a lot of people who wouldn't read Harry Potter just because it was so popular and they were, like, "soooooo above" liking popular books.

    So you'll have to develop a thick skin, or else do what Heather Armstrong of dooce fame does, which is print out the hate e-mail, and then drive over it with her car. She says it has made her life 1000 times better.

  42. Someone who uses the word, "immeasurable" three times in the same sentence describing three different things? That person is not a good writer. And if I had to hear Ms. Meyer use the word, "perfect" (I listened to the audiobook) to describe Edward one more time, I would have plugged my ears and run around the room in circles while screaming until someone promised to buy that woman a thesaurus!

  43. You're right Wiz, my skin - not so thick. So if I ever (snort) wrote a book that was as popular as Twilight, or had a blog that was as popular as Dooce, I would definitely have a hard time with all of the criticism. But I think I could probably comfort myself each night by rolling around naked in large piles of sweet, sweet cash.

  44. I'm the same way at book group...can't get me to shut up. Doesn't help that I am the only one who goes that isn't well into my retirement. But the good news is that they never ask me to host because none of them want to help me pick up toys before we can start.

  45. Oooh, can I request an autographed copy when you're published? :) And I wish I'd read Twilight already so I could read that post of yours. I'm planning to, just haven't made the time yet. But once I do I am SO going to read your post...and be VERY late to the party. I think Twilight counts as a "cult" phenomenon (and I say that lovingly, as I am very much a huge fan of other "cults" like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly...anything Joss Whedon) As such, criticism of any kind is not handled well by many. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You're entitled to think what you like, and you don't have to like it just because lots of others do.
    Keep us posted on your book!

  46. I am sooo NOT a "giddy romantic drivel" type of girl but I will read it, I will comment and I will love it, I swear!! If it's even HALF as funny as what you write here, it's gonna be great.

  47. I think that a stupid cheesy musical could be made from the Twilight and Queen songs. Hey if they can make a play with Abba songs then why not Twilight too. Think singing to Bohemian Rhapsody..."Bella, just killed a man,..." "I like to ride a motorcycle, I like to ride my bike..." "Can anyone find me? Somebody with blood..." I could totally go on and on...

  48. Ha! Randomly, I found them addicting, but I can't honestly tell you why. But the hype - I am so done with it. Beyond done.

  49. I feel lame, never in a million years did I think I would get so excited from a comment. But ya know, you are like, my blog hero.

    I have found comfort in your moving woes, it's good not to be alone. But now we are here and even though my house is a wreck and half unpacked, I feel so much more at ease. I am happy to be home.

  50. BE STRONG. I'm glad you posted about Twilight. It takes a lot of guts to disagree with the entire world. And I'm about 90% on your side!

  51. Hey Sue.


    Seriously. Do not be threatened by the legions of vampire-obsessed Twilight fans. (They are the worst kinds, really.) Stand strong.

    And if they come to your house and kill you, we'll all come to your funeral and say nice things about you and your almost-published novel.

  52. Sue, you are a good writer! Don't give up! My first novel is coming out in December but believe me, I thought it would NEVER happen. You have talent--you'll get there.

  53. Thank you for being brave enough to share your opinion with us. I have never personally read these books but have heard enough about them to feel like I have. :) Can I say that without bringing down the hate mail of the masses? I am not sure that I will ever read them because they just don't sound like my cup of tea. Oh Great! Now the masses are really going to eat me alive!!! I must secretly share with you one thing that might make you feel better. Shhhh.... We need to keep this between you and me...... Our pediatrician read them and doesn't like them either. :)

  54. I have not blogged nor read any blogs for weeks & weeks but I was at the computer and thought, "I wonder what navel gazing is up to. . ." and once again, you have totally echoed my thoughts and feelings about SO MANY THINGS the most important one being TWILIGHT. Amen to everything you said in your original post. AMEN. I'm so sick of defending why I hated it. From now on I'm just going to email them your post. Thank you for saving me from hours of useless TWILIGHT conversations.

  55. Well---you know how I feel about books with characters that are annoying perfect but I'm pretty sure you'll be able to write a character that is both beautiful AND relatable. There's no way you can write a blog I love so much and not be able to get a great novel as well:)

  56. So, normally I am a lurker. (I just found out that's what I am. Whew. Nice to know it has a name!) Anyway, I just wanted to throw my support behind you with the whole Twilight sucks. Because it does. Thank you for helping those of us who thought we were all alone in not liking the whole spineless heroine thing come out of the closet. I am not alone. and it feels so good.

    PS--I love your blog.

    PPS--Who knew that reading the blog of a stranger could be so fun?

  57. So, this is where I sign up to pre-order that book you're writing, right?

    I just came here from a link through comments on a Twilight article (thank something for the convoluted workings of the Internet, our very own Seven/Five/Three/Degrees of Kevin Somebody-or-other), and I'd just like to say that all the madness is just SILLY, and Stephenie Meyer is probably sitting somewhere in a corner shaking her head slowly and wondering where all the normal people went. I quite like the books, myself - I don't think that SM is the greatest writer (her editor should have smacked down HARD) but I do think she's a marvelous storyteller.

    ANYway, I support your right to have whatever opinion you like about what ever piece of media you please, and not have anybody think you less of a person for it.

    *sticks out tongue and blows raspberry at crazy obsessive types*

    Oh, and has has been previously mentioned, you're stinkin' hilarious. Kudos.

  58. 'resistance to twilight is futile.' Exactly so. You have to love every bit or you will be shunned by our blogging cohort.

  59. I love it!
    I don't know why I am reading the darn books-- I need to finish them since I started them and to supervise what our 11 yr old reads.

    I love your blog. Keep it up.

  60. I came over here to read a post or two and I'm spending way too much time reading because you are cracking me up.

    I just started a novel too. And guess what, I think it was Stephanie's fame and fortune that was the final motivator.

    Good luck with yours. I promise to read it, if you'll let me.

  61. lady cheetara10:40 PM

    I'm sorry you felt the need to backpedal on your opinion of these truly awful books. S Meyer is NOT a good writer, she's a hack that happened to appeal to squealy teenage girls. And then some women, who apparently wouldn't know good writing if it came up and bit them.

    Don't back down on how you feel because some people get mad.

    The books suck.

    End of story.