I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband is out of town until tomorrow, but that wasn’t why I was crying. And it wasn’t because of the move, or the house, or anything like that.
I was reading something on the internet about the toilet seat lady (I cannot stop thinking about the toilet seat lady. How?!!! Why?!! Also, how?!!) and I started wondering why she didn't get a blood clot, sitting there for so long? If it were me I would have already died of a blood clot, you know? And then I started thinking – what if my husband got a blood clot, instead of me? How weird and tragic and strangely ironic would that be?!
So then of course I started imagining my husband was dead. (As you do.) I couldn’t imagine how I could survive for even ONE day. How would I continue to breathe? How would I continue to function? How do people do it? And so I had to look on an internet support group message board for young widows to see how they were coping, and as it turns out, being widowed REALLY SUCKS.
So I had all of these FEELINGS about that, and nothing to do with them. Normally, as I've mentioned before, I would go to my husband and weep and hug him and cry and make him swear to NEVER NEVER DIE, but – he was out of town. What else could I do but make up a story in my head - a story about a terrible car crash – one so bad, that they couldn’t identify the body! But they were pretty sure it was my husband! And I thought he was dead (SAD)!
BUT THEN! Then, as I was out for a walk (in my imagination) on the morning of his funeral, weeping and wandering through a ravine near the scene of the accident, whilst trying to find the will to survive, I discovered him lying there with two broken legs! Someone had stolen his car and broken his legs and thrown him in the ravine! Can you BELIEVE IT? He was ALIVE the WHOLE TIME dear internet!
Our reunion was a happy one - so happy that I cried some more. And then I cried for all the women who don’t find their husbands in a ravine. And then I fell asleep.
And then this morning I got my period. The End.
Good thing. Because my crazy talk allotment for the month was almost all used up, along with my entire stock of capital letters and exclamation points.
P.S. I cannot stop thinking about blood clots. Is that a sign? Some kind of freaky warning? My husband is irritated that I’ve stopped calling it a blood clot and started referring to it as my D.V.T. I mean - yeah, it's imaginary - WHATEVER, we can still use accurate terminology, right? Besides, my DVT obsession bothers me a LOT more than it bothers him. This weekend, when he was gone with the kids, I wanted to spend a bunch of self indulgent time writing and lying around, but I couldn't just relax and enjoy it. Noooooooo - I had to get up every few minutes and do jumping jacks so that any lurking DVTs would not travel to my brain and explode. It was really irritating.
P.P.P.S. Did you know that when you do a google image search for "woman wandering in ravine singing" you don't get a whole lot of options? I was surprised by that, frankly. You would think more people would be in need of pictures like that.
P.P.P.P.S If my husband dies before me I will totally throw myself on the casket. Not to make a scene, just because HOW COULD I NOT?
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81 comments:
You are in the wrong career. You should be writing movies, or maybe romance novels.
I am SO GLAD I am not the only woman who tortures herself like this on occasion.
And then, of course, the animals in the ravine broke into a song and dance number, right?
This was great, you are in the wrong career. I hope he's home before you know it.
Girl, you and I are kindred spirits I swear it. I have many thoughts like this and when people say I'm crazy, I admitt it and because I admitt I'm crazy, that kinda nulls and voids it and then I am in fact sane.
I just love your blog hun.
Maybe you should try your hand at romance novels? I hear they are quite lucrative.
You and me - we're both DVT paranoiacs. I can't even let myself think about it.
ha ha ha - you are a nut
I am so glad you found him! Oh my gosh, unbelievable.
Yeah, the casket thing? Don't do that, my aunt did and she kind of caved my uncle in and then they had to close the casket. I bet you can think of something just as dramatic without being so filled with ugly afterwards.
You are such a nut and I love you so much! Not in an ugly stalkerish way, but in the other way. Like admiration.
I think we all do this on occasion, although you find the perfect words for it.
Oh my gosh, the toilet seat lady. I like to take my time, but dang.
I love the PS and how you've started referring to your imaginary clot by its accurate medical terminology. So awesome.
Sue! Go get some bloodthinners already! At least you'll be able to fall asleep without planning your OWN funeral every night.
I wonder what kinds of images there are of "men wandering in a ravine singing"?
Let's not find out.
Great minds think alike. Or, in some cases, make themselves miserable with morbid, imaginary scenes of agonizing grief. Whatever. Same thing.
Glad I'm not the only one with a mind bent on the worst case scenario.
OMG! justrandi has such a good idea! You can even get them anywhere! Baby Aspirin! There ya go! They will desolve your DVT's!
I just have to thank you. Your blog really lightens my spirits and cracks me up. I hate to say this, because you might get a big head or something, but your blog has to be my absolute favorite!
BABY ASPIRIN! Oh my gosh. Brilliant. I am totally going to the store right now. Randie and Rosie - YOU SAVED A LIFE TODAY. Maybe. Possibly.
ROFL! Oh, man...I'm dyin' here...because I, too, can't stop thinking of that toilet seat lady! I think I read that she'd long ago lost feeling in her feet. I guess I wouldn't be as worried about that or DVT's as I would the fact that MY BUM HAD GROWN AROUND THE TOILET SEAT, AND REQUIRED REMOVAL BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS! I'm sorry, but that bad mental imagery reminds me of the cork on an old piggy bank I used to have...
You, my friend, should write for sitcoms. You are that good!
All of a sudden, I'm hoping your cycle is really short. Because if getting your period makes you this funny, dang! Bring it on!
Plus, I would think a short cycle would be good (bad?) for those with DVTs. Keep the blood flowing and all.
You are HILARIOUS! I love to come and read your blog. I have it on my google reader. Please keep writing and P.S. you can make it through all your hard times. I did/am.
I second: Baby aspirin. I take it and no DVT yet.
PS Don't forget certain prescriptions increase your risk for blood clots.
Ok, I'll stop freaking you out. Go do and few more jumping jacks. Be well.
I also hate how my insanity escalates to unprecedented drama (and weeping and wailing) right before my period. I should see it coming, but I don't. It gets me everytime.
Yeah I am wondering how long that lady was sitting on her toilet before she realized she had become one with it. That is seriously strange. And I have never admitted to anyone that I imagine stories about tragedies! I thought for sure that I was the only wack job that had an imagination like that. BTW, when you leave a comment on my blog, I seriously feel like the "popular girl" is talking to me. You're blog is so funny and so popular!
I agree with the baby aspirin idea. When I was 7 months pregnant, we went on a long car trip, and my OB told me to take a baby aspirin each day to prevent blood clots.
The best part of that is that you don't need a prescription, so you don't need to go to a doctor who might laugh at you.
I hate it when doctors do that.
Guys, I am not kidding, I just got back from the store. I purchased a small bottle of chewable aspirin to keep in the car, and a large bottle of aspiring to keep at home. And I just ate like, twelve of those suckers. I feel better already. Mentally, anyway.
I am cracking up at the idea that I would ever, in ANY situation be the popular girl, tee hee.
You are so funny...my inner dialogue tends to be with completely fictional characters.
I'm with you on the toilet seat lady, except you forgot "Huh?!!"
I have not stopped thinking about toilet seat lady all day.
You are a nutjob. I'm glad to know I ain't the only one.
I think the toilet seat lady made my day. I think that means I'm a bad bad person. Oh well.
I think near-death fantasies about your spouse are good for the relationship, in a count your blessings sort of way. I think all your readers should try it. Then, you might end up on Oprah!
I totally do that! Not the DVTs, I gotta say they're not high on my list of concerns, but the what would I do if Shaun-anon died? I don't think I've ever found him alive though. Maybe I'm not that creative after all.
My husband's father died young, and I've made him promise me that he's not going to do that. So no worries, you know? He promised. And it helps that he doesn't have the congenital heart defect that his father had.
How morbidly hilarious you are.
Sue, you crack me up! I'm reading and I'm thinking get some chocolate cuz you are about to start. You're obsessed with clots - uh, it's a period this is normal. Maybe that means you have less blood therefore less to clot.
Baby asprin is totally brillant idea!
Okay, how did no one mention jo's comment? It had me laughing my head off.
Great post. You're pretty much wacko.
While you were in the ravine, were you singing "On My Own" or "A Little Fall of Rain"? Because if you're singing and looking for the will to survive and you're YOU, you have to be singing Les Mis.
And, WOW, that is one fast funeral, because he is still alive without food and water! Or did the carjackers throw the 72-hour kit you "keep in the car" our with him?
This story has really sucked me in!
P.S. I used to lie and say I had headaches when I was little so Mom would give me baby aspirin. Those things taste SO GOOD.
"Did you know that when you do a google image search for "woman wandering in ravine singing" you don't get a whole lot of options? I was surprised by that, frankly. You would think more people would be in need of pictures like that"
I haven't stopped laughing yet!
I plan my husband's funeral from time to time as well. We all do it--well, at least the two of us do it.
You KILL me, Sue. I am sitting here, all mad at my husband (another story for another time), having a dead serious face on, lest he thinks I've forgiven him, and then I read your blog and BURST OUT LAUGHING. Look what you've done - now he thinks I've forgiven him. Thanks A LOT dude.
:)
Heidi
The woman in the picture looks like your mother in her prime. Did she, widow that she was, burst into song while wandering ravines?
I sometimes do that to myself if hubby is a little late and I can't reach. I go through every scenario in the book. Then, he walks through the door and I feel like a dope. I hope your man walks through the door soon.
i love you for this. love. you. and you needed to know.
the end.
I think about things like this (I freak out, quietly, whenever dear husband has to travel), but I'd never be brave enough to post them on my blog.
I admire you!
That is quite the active imagination you have there. I agree that perhaps you should find someone who will pay you for making this stuff up. :-) You could be a soap opera writer. You know those people have fun.
It's a good thing you never wrote for the health section of the local newspaper like I did. You would not have survived. I barely did; every week I had a new disease. I even had testicular cancer one time.
You can't throw yourself on the casket because that's just tacky.
Just so you know, and I think you have to, my friend was in the hospital this weekend with a blood clot. She is young, extremely athletic, has a couple little kids, is barely pregnant, and she had a THREE inch clot in her lungs for which she was in the ICU!! IT CAN HAPPEN.
ACKKKKKKKK! Azucar!
(Off to take more aspirin.)
I would LOVE to be a soap opera writer. Dream job.
I once went to bed mad at Neil and then accidentally killed him with my car during a dream and was mortified and anguished and woke up sobbing. Poor Neil didn't know what to make of it.
This is so funny! I do this all the time to myself. I think it is better to stay ignorant. When I watched American Idol gives back last year...instead of having hope I was depressed and sad for the people that had to live the way they did! You have a very good way with words. This is my first time on your sight and I love it! I linked to it through ldswomansblogs or something like that! To bad about your house.
Sue, not to start you on another cycle of fear, but too much asprin can cause stomach ulcers. Your grandmother had 1/3 of her stomach removed because of a perforated ulcer, caused mainly from too much asprin for her arthritis. I think a better choice for you would be IMAGINARY asprin to dissolve your imaginary clot. Or maybe just one baby asprin per day. How did I ever get a daughter with such an imagination!
ROFLMAO. Thank goodness you can blame it all on the irrational PMS hormones...and not claim it as something your NORMALLY obsess about...oh....wait...
:)
Sue,
Listen to your Mom. One aspirin a day is good, but don't overdo it. Too many could cause some serious damage.
One a day.
One.
Just one.
Because I don't want to be throwing myself on your casket at your funeral.
Not to freak you out or anything.
I have those moments of thinking about my husband dying. I keep making him promise to let me die first. How's that for selfishness?
Seriously, though, a friend lost her husband suddenly last year. I helped her during the grieving process, and one day I asked her how she was doing. She said, "I finally washed his pillowcase today. It didn't smell like him anymore."
That's about one of the saddest things I ever heard.
www.angelawd.com
oh my gosh Angela, that made me cry.
I could not get through it if Mark died. And, like you, I think about the whole senario all the time. Then I'm afraid if it did happen, would it be because I had thought about it so much? Like I willed it or something. I just have to imagine us as 90 year old people still holding hands & being cute (the Hinkleys are the first to come to mind) and hope I will that instead. :)
AND, you should totally write soaps! Preferable Days of our Lives, then you could reignite the Jack & Jennifer love story like it should be done!!
MOM and Jill! Don't tell me that! Aaaagh. I guess I should stop eating them like candy then. Boo.
Jack and Jennifer FOREVAH!
I'm going to have to show this to my husband so that he knows I'm not the only one who thinks like this. He's been sure for years that I was insane. LOL
You get my funniest-post-so-far-this-year award.
That was hilarious!
Never, EVER underestimate the power of those pre-period hormones.
Amen.
I have a suggestion. I have a DVT. Diagnosed when my leg was swollen and red 5 weeks after my last baby was born last February. And I'm alive! So if you must imagine DVT in your hyperactive mind, use a happy ending. I was in excruciating pain and bedridden for a month (very dramatic!) but now I'm at the gym running and swimming (so grateful I can walk!) several days a week. Happy ending! Just like your dead-not dead husband imaginings.
Oh PMS - the siren song of anxiety thoughts....glad you got your period.
Wow! All I ever get is a craving for chocolate and a few cramps!
I am a women that walks in the ravine singing. You should have called and I would have sent a picture. I am so much better than the one you got.
Okay Sue,
I had no idea that you were a "Days" junkie.
Seriously, you should write for them.
I can see it now.............
Hope walking through a ravine the morning of Bo's funeral, singing a beautiful love song.
Bo, laying at the bottom of the ravine, The sound of Hope's voice, gently waking him from his injury induced coma, whispering in a hoarse voice "Fancy face, is that you?"
Hope (looking rather fetching in her long flowing scarlet colored dress, and her dark hair blowing in the wind) hears his whisper and runs through the thick greenery to his side.
"Bo! You're alive!"
She tears the bottom of her dress and uses it to bandage Bo's bleeding head.
"Don't leave me Brady" she pleads.
She then gets out her cell phone and calls Marlena, who gets Lexi and they drive right over to save Bo.
(Why don't they ever call an ambulance?)
They drive quickly over the slick mountain road. Marlena tries to turn but realizes that someone has tampered with her steering wheel. She tries to stop the car by stepping on the brake but, the brake lines have been cut, and the car goes sailing over the embankment, landing in 12 feet of snow where she and Lexi survive for the next few days on the 72 hour kit that Sue's husband put in the back of the car. But alas, they sat in the car for so long, that they both developed DVT and died anyway.
Go!
Apply at NBC!
I dare you!
Not that I watch "Days of our lives" very often.
Don't ya hate when aunt Flow comes to town:)..hee...hee
Sue, you seriously crack me up.
I also have a secret paranoia about DVT. In school, my profs spent an inordinate amount of time talking about symptoms for DVT. And every time we had to practice diagnosing patients in class, someone's fake ailment was always DVT. Maybe all that practice is fate so I can diagnose your DVT someday.
Yeah Jill, I can tell, tee hee. I really DON'T watch Days anymore, but once upon a time, I was a huge junkie. HUGE.
Angela! SO SAD!
Molly, I'm so glad you are o.k.!
Toilet seat lady meet D.V.T. lady!
you need to write sitcoms. too funny.
you spied on an internet support group??? now thats funny!
im shocked how many people are "with ya" on this- Ive never thought about a blood clot, hmmm.... nope, im realy not scared...still trying to freak out, not happening.
Um, Hello? Way down at the end here? That period thing? Can suck rotten Easter eggs. I know. I feel your pain.
GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN, WOMAN.
You might want to try some Pamprin next month. I'm only saying.
I try to forget that I think things like that too. ONE a day on the baby aspirin or you will get a bleeding ulcer. People OD on aspirin pretty easy too. You are the most lovable nut on the net, thanks for making me laugh today!
Hi Sue - I've been trying to get hold of you regarding cutting a teeny part of your submission so we can hopefully use it in the book. I'd just like to get your approval, or other thoughts if not, so we can put it in the book - I feel uncomfortable using it unless I hear back from you - can you drop me an email? I've emailed you twice but they may have gone to spam or otherwise been missed.
Best
Sarah (peach) - bloggersforcharity@yahoo.co.uk
Ok I have to say, I love reading your blogs to my husband because he laughs as much as I did and then I just start laughing again and basically, it is magical. So when you get a comment from me, you are getting two comments, because there is always one from my husband going "bahahhaha!" or "her poor husband..."
(Usually it's "her poor husband")
Also, M&Ms. They can be your "pretend" aspirin. They look sort of medicinal, and they taste like that coating on Advil, and really they are just the bestest candy ever.
I cannot stay a lurker any longer. I had the worst day, and that was flipping hilarious! I have no idea how I landed on your blog, but you are so funny and I love your posts. Thanks for making me laugh!
will you please let me know when the house next door to you is for sale? my friend emailed me the link to your blog and i need to laugh like this EVERY DAY.
Hey, Al, thanks for the compliment. It is hard to admit that I am no longer "in my prime." And no, I neither sang in a ravine nor wore long, flowing robes. The only robes I had were 20-year old ratty ones
with food stains. But I think I'll download that image and put it in my life history.
Okay, when I first read your P.P.P.P.S, I thought it said, "I will totally throw myself IN the casket..." which made me BURST OUT laughing at the absurdity/hilarity of that idea. Then I saw what it really said, and yeah, I would too.
Well, I am worrying about what the toilet seat lady is going to do NOW, now that everyone in her town knows what happened to her! Me, I'm putting a little sign up in the bathroom: "If I've grown to the toilet seat, scrape me off and flush me pleeeeese."
you never cease to make me LAUGH OUT LOUD SO LOUD!
(how's that for capitals allotment?)
This cracked me up! If my husband dies unexpectedly, I will have to work through the shock of it all by throwing out all the ancient computer carcasses that are currently filling up my garage. Because being able to park my CAR in the garage will be cathartic, I think.
Ok, I totally think it's about being a woman. I do this too, about my kids mainly.
This is the first time I've been on your blog (found you thru Absolutely Bananas) and I think you might be my new bff. No, that's not true. But I did laugh really hard at your story.
And I dream up worse-case scenarios in my head too. Just to freak myself out I guess. Ack.
This is hilarious (found you through Absolutely Bananas) and reminds me of my own paranoid fantasies about being pregnant again. In which there was no singing.
I also found you through Absolutely Bananas and I'm coming back. You are my kind of crazy!! I thought this story couldn't have gotten any funnier until I got to the photo of the woman. HILARIOUS!! Thanks for the laughs!
I didn't think it was funny until about half way through and then I just couldn't stop laughing. It was finding him in a ravine with 2 broken legs. Ah, PMS.
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