Pin It Alternate Title 1: Run On Sentences Can Be Fun
Alternate Title 2: Blogging When Sleep Deprived May Not Be A Good Idea
Alternate Title 3: Verb Tenses are Mistifying When You Are Tired
I was walking tonight in an effort to shed the enormous amount of weight that somehow dropped out of the sky and landed on my buttocks this winter, and I started fantasizing about some stuff I’d like to have happen in 2008, to wit:
1) I think it would be awesome if someone would ask me to sing a solo in church, but when I started singing my voice would somehow miraculously be exactly like Charlotte Church's, and everyone would be AMAZED and stunned and BLOWN AWAY and one of the people at church would secretly turn out to be a Broadway producer who works for Disney, who would ask me to sing the lead in the broadway production of Enchanted, and I would humbly consent, because I am nothing if not humble.
2) I think it would be awesome if someone would ask me to give a talk or presentation, but then, once I give my talk, it turns out that it is the funniest, most inspirational talk ever, and everyone is (again) blown away and they feel all compelled to say, “Wow, I wish I was as fabulous as you are. Because you are FABULOUS." And I would nod shyly and thank them modestly and they would be even more charmed because - hey, she's fabulous AND humble.
3) I think it would be awesome for everyone in my neighborhood to find out about my blog – and I would like for it to happen right after I’ve written a whole bunch of hilarious posts, every single day for like a year, so that they would not see a single lame post, ever, and then they would all LOVE ME because WHY NOT?! Funny blogger! And one of the people in my neighborhood would secretly turn out to be a publisher and that person would beg me to please, please, please write a book for them. And I would agree, for an advance of approximately one MILLION dollars and a Roomba.
4) I think it would be awesome to lose a bunch of weight and then make a grand entrance somewhere and have everyone gasp and say, “Wow, she looks amazing. AMAZING. How did we not see her striking beauty before tonight?” Except it would be awesome if it had actually happened about 15 years ago, so that I could SHOW THEM ALL, but I guess if it must happen in the future, because there are no working time machines, (I mean, let's be realistic) then I guess I am o.k. with that, because then it's possible that they would say, “Wow, she looks so fit and gorgeous, and she can't be older than 24, and you know, she really ought to be a fitness model, there is no doubt about it.” And then Colin Firth would show up and –
Ahem. Sorry. That’s – that’s as far as we’re gonna go with that one. Besides, I didn’t mean Colin Firth anyway. I meant my HUSBAND would show up. My husband. Ahem. (I love you honey. YOU. Not Colin Firth.)
So, uh - that stuff could happen, right? I think it might. Yeah. The power of postive thinking, right?
...or maybe, what might happen is that Bill Gates will find my blog, and he will see one of my posts where I am whining about money, and he will decide to send me TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS, just because. I'm thinking that one might be the most realistic.
What do you think?
P.S. You know, it occurs to me that the general theme of these fantasies is: “look at me, look at me, look at me!” I clearly have not had satisfactory outlets for showing off in a long, long time. And also, clearly, I am shallow. Not that you didn’t already know that.
P.P.S. I've gone crawling back to the gals at Fight the Fluffy. If any of you want to join in, now that the whole post-holiday weight gain totals are in, feel free. If they'll take me, they'll take anyone ;>