Sunday, January 06, 2008

Things I Want To Have Happen This Year But They Probably Won’t Because I Unfortunately Do Not Control The Universe & Also God Does Not Like Show-Offs

Pin It Alternate Title 1: Run On Sentences Can Be Fun
Alternate Title 2: Blogging When Sleep Deprived May Not Be A Good Idea
Alternate Title 3: Verb Tenses are Mistifying When You Are Tired

I was walking tonight in an effort to shed the enormous amount of weight that somehow dropped out of the sky and landed on my buttocks this winter, and I started fantasizing about some stuff I’d like to have happen in 2008, to wit:

1) I think it would be awesome if someone would ask me to sing a solo in church, but when I started singing my voice would somehow miraculously be exactly like Charlotte Church's, and everyone would be AMAZED and stunned and BLOWN AWAY and one of the people at church would secretly turn out to be a Broadway producer who works for Disney, who would ask me to sing the lead in the broadway production of Enchanted, and I would humbly consent, because I am nothing if not humble.

2) I think it would be awesome if someone would ask me to give a talk or presentation, but then, once I give my talk, it turns out that it is the funniest, most inspirational talk ever, and everyone is (again) blown away and they feel all compelled to say, “Wow, I wish I was as fabulous as you are. Because you are FABULOUS." And I would nod shyly and thank them modestly and they would be even more charmed because - hey, she's fabulous AND humble.

3) I think it would be awesome for everyone in my neighborhood to find out about my blog – and I would like for it to happen right after I’ve written a whole bunch of hilarious posts, every single day for like a year, so that they would not see a single lame post, ever, and then they would all LOVE ME because WHY NOT?! Funny blogger! And one of the people in my neighborhood would secretly turn out to be a publisher and that person would beg me to please, please, please write a book for them. And I would agree, for an advance of approximately one MILLION dollars and a Roomba.

4) I think it would be awesome to lose a bunch of weight and then make a grand entrance somewhere and have everyone gasp and say, “Wow, she looks amazing. AMAZING. How did we not see her striking beauty before tonight?” Except it would be awesome if it had actually happened about 15 years ago, so that I could SHOW THEM ALL, but I guess if it must happen in the future, because there are no working time machines, (I mean, let's be realistic) then I guess I am o.k. with that, because then it's possible that they would say, “Wow, she looks so fit and gorgeous, and she can't be older than 24, and you know, she really ought to be a fitness model, there is no doubt about it.” And then Colin Firth would show up and –

Ahem. Sorry. That’s – that’s as far as we’re gonna go with that one. Besides, I didn’t mean Colin Firth anyway. I meant my HUSBAND would show up. My husband. Ahem. (I love you honey. YOU. Not Colin Firth.)

So, uh - that stuff could happen, right? I think it might. Yeah. The power of postive thinking, right?

...or maybe, what might happen is that Bill Gates will find my blog, and he will see one of my posts where I am whining about money, and he will decide to send me TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS, just because. I'm thinking that one might be the most realistic.

What do you think?

P.S. You know, it occurs to me that the general theme of these fantasies is: “look at me, look at me, look at me!” I clearly have not had satisfactory outlets for showing off in a long, long time. And also, clearly, I am shallow. Not that you didn’t already know that.

P.P.S. I've gone crawling back to the gals at Fight the Fluffy. If any of you want to join in, now that the whole post-holiday weight gain totals are in, feel free. If they'll take me, they'll take anyone ;>

60 comments:

  1. I think *humble* is the key word to this post. Totally.

    Heidi

    ReplyDelete
  2. How is it that someone else dreams like me?

    and has to remind herself that God does not like show offs?

    and that runonsentences are poor form and do not help one achieve literary notoriety?

    good stuff. thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  3. vanarshkin7:56 AM

    I just found your blog this morning after reading your "bad mom" booger story over at finslippy. I laughed out loud, then checked on my one-year-old who was playing in the dog's bowl, got more coffee, came back and read it again, laughed out loud.

    I like your style...I'll be back for more!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Humble? What does that mean? I mean, it is all about ME, isn't it? Wait, it's about you? But...what about...ME?

    *giggle* Love your fantasy post!! I'm with you on a few of them!!

    MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. # 3 is my dream and is going to happen to me. Except we only have 9 houses in our neighborhood and I know none of them are publishers. Oh well!
    Maybe you will have better luck.
    I am new to your blog and I love it and I do think you are very funny.
    Have a great New Year.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This was great! Hey - nothing wrong with dreaming!

    ReplyDelete
  7. if you get 12 million dollars from Bill Gates, will you share some with me, PLEASE? LOL!

    You are so funny! Thank you for the laugh this morning

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are simply crazy and hysterically funny!! I enjoyed this and hope all your dreams come true! See you soon. Kellan

    ReplyDelete
  9. Are you saying that you're going to post every day? That would rock. When you get the roomba, send one to me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I want number 3 too, 'cause I need that million, and a roomba would be so cool! Plus adoring fans would be fantastic too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Funny post. And someone told me once that my husband looks like Colin Firth. I don't agree, but thought I'd throw that one out there anyway. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love it! I'm up for the 12 Mil if I had my choice . . .everyone else then could just kiss my ass! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. Maddison3:54 PM

    You are not alone, sister! I too can conjure up some pretty good ones, I'm just not brave enough to share them! LOL! Thanks for the funny post!

    ReplyDelete
  14. rebecca3:56 PM

    What's a Roomba?




    Love your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I want a Roomba, too. And a Scooba, or whatever they call it. I want them so bad I can taste it, even if that's not even CLOSE to the number-one priority in my falling-apart life and bank account. And I'm not afraid to admit it (one someone else's blog, under my blogging pseudonym, because I am ALL THAT). So there.

    (Nice to meet you! Found you via my own obsessive checking of Google Analytics, which is second only to my obsessive checking for comments on my own blog. Which means I have a feeling we're going to like each other.]

    ReplyDelete
  16. Well, Heidi - humble and realistic. I'm all about reality.

    "What's a Roomba?" What?!! You have not heard of the Roomba?! Heresy. It's a robot that vaccuums. I mean - how awesome is that?!

    My blog friend Priscilla got TWO for Christmas. I'm trying to decide if we can still be friends.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I don't think any of us would have a blog if we didn't want to show off just a little.

    I've totally had that 'Enchanted' fantasy, in different forms, since 'The Little Mermaid' came out when I was in middle school. Good luck with that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. OK! Your blog is hillarious. I don't even know you but I know Becca Martin, who knows Kasey Turner, who links to you so.... through my blog stalking I ran into your blog. Funny stuff. I too love Mr. Colin Firth. Hope you don't mind if I continue to stalk your blog when I need a laugh or two.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Here's the thing: You're already amazing and fabulous and hilarious, so if your fantasies come true, how much more amazing and fabulous and hilarious could you be?

    As for the $12 million from Mr. Gates, I'll just keep my fingers crossed. Well, until I need them again to comment on someone's blog.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh, honey! God may not like show offs, but you know He's got a fabulous sense of humor (He's got to or else what am I doin' here?). I love your blog and honestly look forward to every post! Um, don't let that make you nervous...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gee, my daydreams are boring, they mostly involve getting to take a nap.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dang Sue, how do you handle all these comments telling you how wonderful you are? Please, do tell me how you cope, in case it happens to me someday.

    =P

    2008 is going to be great! Maybe not Colin Firth great, but there's always hope...

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think it would be awesome if my kids would stop with the diarrhea thing. Because you know, twelve diapers from a two year old in one day is just SO NOT COOL!

    Simple dreams for us simpletons, big fancy dreams for you fabulous, fitness-model, amazing, awesome ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Killing myself laughing over here. Not that I ever think the same things, nope, you're on your own:)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Glad to know someone else has a rich fantasy life, too. I can't tell you how devastated I was the year I realized I was too old to ever be cast as one of Tevye's daughters in a production of Fiddler on the Roof (not that I have ever appeared on a stage in my life). I don't want to be the mother. Or Yenta. Oh, well.

    ReplyDelete
  26. But, but, I do wish I could write as fabulous as you do.
    I am all for fantasy cuz reality sucks. I'm doing for everyone else so my brain time is for Moi.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ok, so you have totally read Austenland, yeah? If not, get thee HENCE woman! Colin Firth, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  28. oh sue, you already are AMAZING and FABULOUS and BLOWING ME AWAY!


    not to mention KNOCKING MY SOCKS OFF and INSPIRING ME TO GO WALKING and MAKE SOME NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.


    too bad i'm not a producer or a publisher.

    ReplyDelete
  29. What is it about being a blogger and so easily blabbing my mouth off in cyberspace about myself, but when it comes to telling my neighbors about my blog and that I have this whole other life that they know nothing about, I get all shy and sheepish? I have had a blog for a year and have not told one of my surrounding neighbors about it. Somehow I just want them to find out and then of course word will spread and I will be the talk of the town. ME ME ME.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey, I live by the motto, "If you're gonna dream, dream big!"

    I have the same fantasy of walking in somewhere and all of the sudden being thin again and blowing everyone away. That'll happen some day if it kills me!

    I loved this post! So funny, as usual!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Sue,
    I already think you are FABULOUS!
    I share two of your fantasies. I want all my neighbors to like me and think I'm cool. I would like to be known by them as someone other than "that lady who never weeds her flowerbed". It would be SO awesome if they thought I was as cool as I wish I was.
    I also share the desire to be thin and fabulous. Especially with the ladies I know at church. So many of them are thin, we're talking size 0-4 (size 6 if they're pregnant). I just want to fit in with them and wear pants without elastic waistbands.
    I must really be out of it, because I don't know who Colin Firth is.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Sue, you forgot about the part where your mom is filthy rich because her gorgeous and loving new husband IS a famous publisher and movie producer who discovered a non-invasive cure for wrinkles and takes the whole family on a seven-day all-expenses-paid cruise to Hawaii where we all show off our size-two selves and entertain the e awestruck ship passengers with our nightly performances of "Les Mis." We could invite Colin Firth along to oooh, ahh and sigh at his lost opportunities.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Fantastic!

    As was said before, if you're going to dream, dream big.

    And I love the Colin Firth bit. Too too funny!

    (And, for the record, Bill Gates is going to give ME $12 million. Just so you know.)

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  34. You crack me up. Here's what I say to all of that "If you believe it, you can acheive it" Stranger things have happened.

    ReplyDelete
  35. You're not shallow! You ARE a Funny Blogger. The funniest. I visit here everyday and always look forward to it and I for one would love for all of those things to happen for you this year. That way, I'd have hope they could happen for me, too!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I don't know - I'm kinda glad my neighbors DON'T know about my blog. It gives me way more wiggle room to write about them. If I ever want to, I mean.

    I'm just glad you can admit your humbleness. It takes a special kind of humility....

    ReplyDelete
  37. I just read Austenland, so that Colin Firth bit got me.

    ReplyDelete
  38. HAHAHAHAH.
    SHOWING THEM ALL. Even though I've largely forgotten who THEY were.
    You're so funny. Funny AND awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  39. HILARIOUS! You're linked on my sister's blog, so I found you and I'm so glad. This was one funny post. I would come and listen to you talk, sing, and tell you that you are a striking beauty!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I totally fantasize about #4 all the time. And here I thought I was the only one... good to know I am not alone :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Wow, I need to re-evaluate my new year's goals. I'm way off track.

    I'm with you on the showing up and looking fabulous. Why can't I get on the weightloss bandwagon? I really want it darn it! I just want the candy more I guess. Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I found your blog through Mormon Mommy Wars. I hope you don't mind if I come back cause you have a great style!

    I remember the fantasies as a child. I thought they would go away but I can now admit that I still have them too. I always wanted to be a singer too...Oh and the money? Yeah that is me too!

    ReplyDelete
  43. What does it mean when verb tenses are mystifying for me all the time?

    Or should I say, what did it mean.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hmmm... I think i will be sending a link to your blog to everyone on your book club's email list. Then everyone in your neighborhood WILL know about your blog and love you even more. And maybe one of them knows a publisher.

    And, since you started FTF, do you really have to go crawling back? I hope not.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I just read Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason, where she goes to Rome to Interview Colin Firth. (This part not in movie, because in movie her boyfriend is played by Colin Firth). She keeps calling him Mr. Darcy and asking about the scene in Pride and Prejudice where he dives in the pond and gets all wet. Is awesome. I read it over and over, trying not to trip over f bombs.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I just watched A&E's Pride & Prejudice last night. **hand over heart sigh** Colin, I mean, Mistuh Dah-cee, is spectacular in that. The perfect hero.

    Yes, yes...I'm with you on that. Becoming a world famous published author, loved by everyone for having personality plus, a charming and gracious wit, and for being a humble, modest yet ravishing beauty, which would render me famous enough to go to A-list parties with Colin--er, I mean, my husband by my side. That would be amazing!

    Oh, and one million. But instead of a Roomba, I'd need a personal trainer to kick my butt every day so I would never become like Kirstie Allie before Weight Watchers. Heh, heh...kind of like I am now.

    ReplyDelete
  47. This is why I have yet to make New Year's Resolutions. Yours sound way better than any I can concoct.

    Except that I am Lizzy Bennett (per my quiz) and Colin Firth is you know...supremely amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Yeah, I think run on sentences are the best thing since folding chairs. Only write them while sleep deprived and ranting so as to have an excuse though. I so loved this post. I would like a few of those things to happen to me too, so when they happen to you, mention me to them. :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. Anything I wrote here sounded too cheesy to leave.

    Loved this!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Hey! Get out of my fantasies! Only, um, you left out the one about being on Oprah and how she tells everyone that, next to meeting Paul McCartney, after reading your blog, she has wanted to meet you more than anyone else she's ever read and then she offers to publish your book and buy it and give it away to a small third world nation so that they, too, can see what truly inspired writing is really like... and then.

    Oh.

    Sorry.

    Your blog. Sorry. Really.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Nice...I hope it all comes true for you...and then you will mention your other bloggers who comment you and how wonderful they are and that you wouldn't have a blog if they didn't comment and how they have helped you become the person you are today and that you wish they all too could have 12 MILLION BILLION DOLLARS....

    eh, well, I think you are great and I think that 2008 will be your year to shine. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  52. I can't even post anything. You've said it all.

    ReplyDelete
  53. You. Are. Awesome.

    I was laughing out loud, which doesn't occur that often for me.

    You may find this interesting, or maybe not. I'm telling you anyway. A few weeks ago we were listening to Pandora.com (internet radio) and "Lo How a Rose Eer Blooming" came on, sounding like it was sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. A soloist came on for one verse, and dh and I both didn't care for her. She sounded off here and there, and had a very breathy voice, sounding like she was swallowing her tone. James mentioned that she wasn't a soloist type, and I agreed. The hilarious thing was when he went to go look what was playing and it was Charlotte Church!

    ReplyDelete
  54. Ok. I just had one of those I-hope-no-one-hears-me-in-here-laughing-like-an-idiot laughs.

    This is so me. Except that most of the time I'm daydreaming that I'm singing in some karaoke bar in some mexican restaurant and everyone stands to their feet clapping and begging me to sing another one. HAHAHAHAHAA
    Yeah, and then walks in Patrick Dempsey..........or James McAvoy........

    ReplyDelete
  55. I think your goals are totally realistic and will probably all come true.
    As will mine.
    Which are actually kinda similar to yours...do you think we were twins separated at birth? Could be.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Those are the greatest "goals" ever! I think I have the exact same goals.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I stumbled upon your blog a couple of days ago and I am hooked! And to honor your humble request, thought I should leave in a comment that says, "I think you are AWESOME!"

    ReplyDelete
  58. You seriously ARE funny and I hope you are no longer poor because of the Bill Gates thing and hope your neighbors now know how funny you are and hey, your hubby could look like Colin Firth--with a little plastic surgery and you could pay for it with your Bill Gates money. Just make sure the surgeon knows it's Colin Firth and not Colin Powell.

    ReplyDelete