My husband is home. Glory hallelujah. I have never been so glad to see someone in my entire freaking life. I wanted to do approximately the same thing the dog did, jump all over him, cover him in slobbery kisses and hump his leg a little. I was that excited.
Want to know how awesome he is? He let me take a three hour nap this afternoon that stretched OVER DINNER, THROUGH BATH TIME, and THROUGH BEDTIME, so that when I woke up, the children were magically gone. Poof.
He is the BEST. HUSBAND. EVER.
I'm still tired though. So - here are ten random things about me. Blame Ahna.
I used to be a huge liar. O.K., so we already established that as a teen I was somewhat crazy, right? Well, buckle your seatbelts. I used to lie about everything. When I went away to Ricks (er, excuse me, BYU Idaho, for the fancy schmancies among us) for my freshman year of college, I lived in the dorms with five roommates. As we were all sitting around getting to know each other the first night, we got on the topic of boys, and feeling insecure about their vastly superior looks and dating potential, I invented a boyfriend back home for myself, as a sort of defensive move (If I didn’t get asked out, it was o.k., because I had a boyfriend). He was a (fictional) apprentice cameraman with Channel 8 news in Las Vegas, and we’d been (fictionally) dating for two years. His (fictional) name was Matt. He loved me passionately (and yet fictionally), but he never called, and never wrote, so eventually I had to break up with him.
Yeah, I was nuts.
Once in a while? I still lie and I don’t even realize I’ve lied until later. It’s like a bad habit that comes roaring back now and then, out of the blue. We had some people over once and they asked what I do for a living and I embellished, with my husband sitting right next to me. After they left he looked at me and asked why I’d said that. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. I had no clue until he explained it to me. I hadn’t meant anything by it, it just seemed like it would be a nice thing to do for a living. It made for a more interesting story.
My wedding ring is fake. I lost the original diamond in my wedding ring and replaced it with a really big cubic zirconia. It's totally fake and looks it. I am continually amused when people compliment me on it. At first I was just being cheap, and later it evolved into a principle thing, after reading up on all of the issues surrounding conflict diamonds, and the diamond trade in general. My husband (the sweet guy he is) actually bought me a replacement diamond and I made him take it back. (I sort of can't believe I did that - how rude.) I told him I'd rather have a kitchen backsplash.
I love hide and seek. I am so excited that my kids are finally getting old enough to understand the concept. For a long time they just didn't get it. Carter would follow me pointing and saying, "Mommy in there," and I'd get all annoyed, like I was six. He would just stand there giggling and I would have to hiss at him, "You're ruining my spot - go find your own spot!"
We used to have this huge green couch with these tremendously huge cushions and large pillows along the back, and I was able to hide inside of it, under the cushions, and my husband couldn't find me for like, an hour. And our house was only 1500 square feet. And we didn't have children. Yeah, I made him play hide and seek with me. Shut up.
I used to wish I was Samantha from Bewitched. If only I could have figured out how to twitch my nose I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN MAGIC.
I was the tri-state judo champ when I was 8 years old. My dad made us take it, and I loved flipping people over. I was short, and especially tiny compared to my classmates because I was skipped ahead a grade. One day a kid started hassling me on the playground calling me pee-wee because of an "incident" that occured in the second grade and I swiftly flipped him flat on his back. He was just lying there on the ground, blinking up at me. It was awesome.
I play the organ, but it's a secret. (Well, sort of. Once you blog about something, it's not exactly a secret anymore I guess.) I'm not an expert or anything, but I can play the foot pedals well enough for most hymns and I played for congregations in Las Vegas for years. But I hated it. I would always get distracted and start daydreaming and would get into trouble. I'd lose count of the verses and would stop playing, but the congregation would keep on going, because, you know, the song wasn't over - and I would just be sitting there wondering what was going on. Or I'd keep playing after it was supposed to be over. Or I'd lean forward and accidentally blast notes with my chest while someone was speaking.
When we moved here, they asked me if I would play from time to time. I didn't say no exactly, I just burst into tears, saying something about, "I - I don't think I can - I don't think I - I mean, after what happened..." and the poor flustered church guy immediately withdrew the offer. My husband laughed all the way home, because he knew I was faking, and also evil.
I wrote a poem in fourth grade and won the Reflections contest at my elementary school. I thought it was pretty good for a fourth grader, but I don't know much about poetry - I don't GET most of it, so you tell me. (And don't lie. If you think it sucks, you can tell me. I was in fourth grade, it's not like you're gonna hurt my pride.) I never read or write poetry now, unless you count Shel Silverstein.
The steam from the jacuzzi somehow set off the fire alarm in our hotel room when we were on our honeymoon. We didn't hear the alarm, because it was malfunctioning. Firemen burst in on us, when we were stark naked and, er, busy."Silver streaks of lightning anger
Flash, crash and resound
As they transform
Into tears
That trickle down my cheeks
Like raindrops on a window pain."
Everytime I go to Borders I get diarrhea. I have no idea why. I don't eat or drink anything when I'm there. (I know that is too much information. Coming up with ten things is hard.)
I refuse to tag people, on principle. The principle being the whole - I'm a coward thing. But please, feel free to steal.
49 comments:
Your poem sounds exactly like a Reflections poem should sound.
Hmm, every time? Residuals from when I was a manager there? I do spread e-coli in my wake; it makes friendship with me both exciting and dangerous.
Wow, your husband really IS all that.
Love the lying thing...and I now know that
1) your wedding ring is real
2) you hate hide and seek
3) you don't play the organ...
You were just testing us, right? See I paid attention.
And your poem was amazing. For a 4th grader, for an adult. Really.
- Heidi :)
I love your blog! And now I have serious nap envy. And the lying thing? Did you ever read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn? Francie did the same thing. Just the mark of a creative writer. I really, really wish I had had the guts to make up an imaginary boyfriend when I was a freshman in college.
Oh, and back to the hypochondria thing - I had a severe pain up and down my leg for days and was determined not to think, "blood clot, blood clot, instant death". So, for a couple of days my foot was feeling sort of numb (I do think it was a pinched nerve in my hip) and then my brain started whispering to me, "Gangrene - your whole leg is going to fall off." I could even picture my husband dragging me to the doctor after I had collapsed because my leg would no longer support me and I was crawling around the house picking up toys and saying, "No, it's nothing - and certainly not a blood clot," and the doctor shaking his head sadly and saying, "If only you had come in last week, I could have saved that leg."
I think a runaway imagination can be the curse of writers. I just hate to think what goes on in Steven King's brain.
Soooo... are you lying now?
I think I'm in love with you! That was too funny.
Seriously, I told Mr. Hot I wasn't going to comment, I was just going to read a couple of blogs and then go nap. You made me comment!
Your husband?? Keep him!
There are too many other things to comment on, so I won't, but I laughed and smiled while I read. Especially the honeymoon thing. Although that would have scarred me so badly we would have had to adopt all our kids, because there would have been NO MORE sex in our lives, ever. Yikes.
Hubby and I will be in SLC today, participating in the peace march.
the borders thing is a physiological responce to your happinees ie excitement at being somewhere you love. i swear it's true...
Glad you survived without the hubby! I'd be dead right now if I couldn't survive without mine. He's NEVER home (like right now...we haven't seen him since Friday morning at 7am and won't see him until tonight, Sat, at about 9pm and the kids will probably be in bed already). Ugh.
Oh and I'm with Family Adventure, we know you hate hide and seek, you don't play the organ---you play the piano! and the wedding ring---real diamond. Probably conflict too---just like mine. Sigh.
Is the position of Fan Club President taken yet? 'Cause I'm so up for that.
Betcha I was a bigger liar than you. Seriously. I've got stories.
My cardinal rule is - no lying on the blog. Unless it's a really, really, really funny lie. :>
I love that your ring is fake. I told my hubby that when I get an upgrade I want a 2k cubic so that we can sell my old one and go on an awesome vacation.
I was laughing SO hard at your honeymoon story!! Why isn't that an entry in itself???
Oh, I forgot one thing: About your comment on my blog about Twilight - you HAVE to read it. I started the series on Monday and am halfway through the third book. And I'm seriously pacing myself. There's no sex in them but Edward is seriously boosting my sex drive. Yes!!
You are crazy in the most fabulous way ever! And this is tmi but the same thing happens to me in any bookstore. Ever since I was a little girl, and I love, love, love bookstores. They must have good bathrooms, or I think it's all the woody particles in the books, I have seriously tried to figure it out - I can't. I had another friend that it happened to, what is it?
ohg! And the honeymoon thing! Are you serious? That is quite a story to have.
I love it that you wear CZ as a political statement. And the truth is no one can tell, really.
Oh and a big Yay! for your husband to be so great to you.
(As for the tagging thing, I hear you. I love to play, hate to impose a tag. Since I've already played I'll give you a link to 10 random things about me.)
i'm so glad you got tagged! in fact i've got ten reasons i'm so glad you got tagged. 'cause now i have ten more stories that crack me up!
Your husband and my husband seriously need to hang out.
I used to wish I was Samantha or Tabitha.
I scandalized the H,E double toothpicks outta Dadguy's poor Happy Valley friends when I requested an engagement ring with NO DIAMOND... and it wasn't even about the questionable morality of the whole diamond trade... although, like you, i can now bolster and justify my choice.
...it had more to do with a dirtbag first husband who did all the trappings (opening doors, I love you's, diamonds, flowers) and treated me like a dog. All I wanted was the real thing (kindness, respect, love, eternal companionship), I wanted Dadguy with no BS.
I got what I wanted.
His friends are still a touch scandalized. Tee hee hee!
How you even notice your "potty" problems every time you go to Borders cracks me up!!!! Funny stories.
My ring is fake too. After I lost my first one......and the one the hubby bought to replace that one, I decided I didn't deserve any more real jewelry. I too say it's because of the diamond conflict! It sounds more responsible than admitting that I lost 2 rings!
Yay! You're back! I'm so excited that someone will actually be commenting on my blog now! Yeah, I'm self-centered like that.
A three hour nap? Really? I've heard of those things, but haven't actually ever witnessed one in person. Was it great?
Oh Sue, how you make me giggle. . . I accidently "broke" my wedding ring. . .I hated the setting. :)
ha, Borders! It must be a Hutchings thing-one of your brothers (who I will not publicly out) has the same problem with Home Depot & my house, and it isn't Mark!!
I had a pretend boyfriend once. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. He even sent me flowers at work, twice.
The same thing happens to me at, of all places, Wal-Mart! And the one in Kimball Junction has only one tiny bathroom, so you have to wait for whoever is there first. Lying? My daughter? The things a mother learns reading blogs!
Oh my. This post almost made me pee my pants (it doesn't help that I have a UTI right now, but still...)
My husband is a liar too. I love him but man can he tell a good story (and by good I mean completely false and also completely entertaining).
Oh my gosh, that organ description was hilarious! Especially when you acidentally blast someone who's talking! I'm still laughing.
Mom2Nine..It seems to me that the Kimball Junction Wal-Mart has 2 (or used to when I frequented it) bathroom locations. One is at the front of the store (the tiny one) and there used to be one at the very back by layaway that had several stalls. Does Wal-Mart still have layaway? However, even with both bathroom choices, I still would find myself waiting. Hope this helps.
I can relate to lying. When I was in elementary school, my best friend and I used to tell everyone we were identical twins. We honestly thought people believed us even though she was at least a foot taller than me, had a different last name and lived in a different house. The only thing we had in common was blond hair and blue eyes!
I once told the school lunch lady that I was allergic to green peas so she wouldn't but them on my plate. I hated green peas in any form, but most especially the yucky canned ones that always showed up in the cafeteria line.
Daydreaming while playing the organ in Church? Done that. Like whoops - there's still one more verse? (after you've closed the hymnbook and relaxed). ;)
I have several boyfriends that I created in my past. They got me through some very tough times and our relationships were VERY special.
I also tend to blow things out of proportion and create "what if" situations in my head. Like "what would you do if you had to walk a tightrope across a volcano full of hot lava or a tribe of natives would sacrifice your mother to their fire god?". For the record I'd walk to tightrope rather than have my mother sacrificed. I've played this scenario out several times and it never ends pretty.
I hope your hub enjoyed his welcoming. What man wouldn't like to have his leg humped out of excitement?
What was the theme for the Reflections contest that year?
i have seriously never laughed so hard reading a blog. not even my own and i'm pretty funny. (so my husband says, and i tend to agree with him when it's about how great i am.) anyway. you're fantastically funny.
You are totally cracking me up with the lying, the Borders problem, and oh man, your honeymoon. Kevin has told me before that you were the tri-state judo champion. I think he is pretty proud of his older sister. I think it's awesome too.
Referring to Holly's comment...the brother is not Kevin either, so that leaves only two left...hmmmm.
What a great post!
I agree - your husband sounds like a great guy. Forget the diamond business - he took care of the kids so you could get a well-deserved nap? Awesome.
I wanted to be Samantha, too. I thought I could.
The organ story made me laugh. Out loud.
As did the honeymoon story!
Count me in with everyone else laughing about your honeymoon fire alarm mishap. That is hysterical!
Well, you started out admitting you are a liar, so I feel like I should take the rest of it with a grain of salt...but it's more fun to believe it's true.
My favorite part was when your 8-year-old self flipped the playground bully. Man, I wish I'd known judo in the third grade.
Oh, I am still laughing! How your husband does it, we'll never know. Hang on to that guy!
I'm with Suburbancorrespondant, it made me think about Francie and her creativity.
You're amazing!
I forgot to tell you I can so relate on the honeymoon thing. Apparently in Puerto Vallarta a locked door and a "do not disturb" sign does not deter the hoteliers from checking the mini bar. We learned this the hard way, twice.
"Stark naked and, er, busy..." made me snort out loud. You are freakin' hilarious. I would absolutely die.
Okay....I had to crack up about your honeymoon!! GREAT story!! I'm so sorry it happened to you...but what a great giggle now!! I am favoriting your blog!! You're hilarious!
(So glad I found you at NaBlo)!
I have a suprise for you back at my page. . .
The secret is out... I like to poo, and it isn't just in Home Depot or Holly's house. I also enjoy a nice morning poo after a bowl of Cheerios, or a late night poo after an episode of the Real World.
James
wow i hope you won't die, i wandered over here from callmehawley's blog aka val. just wanted to say i am jealous that your hubby is rad, i doubt mine will be so sympathetic when i pop kids out.
How much of the rest of your list was a lie? Or do you not know yet?
(I love that because I'm the same way -- being an excellent liar is a hard habit to break!)
came by way of my friend Keetha's blog - you really made me laugh- I'll have to be back.
i used to pray that god would give me magic powers like samantha! i so wanted to point my finger and have things zing right over to me.
I used to lie about everything but after saying my parents approved my being on the cheerleader squad when they didn't, I stopped. It's not fun explaining why you were a cheerleader for a day. What was I thinking??
Love your blog. Love love love it.
Whoa, that Borders thing, as other commenters have so elegantly been calling it, happens to me every time I enter a bookstore or library, I swear. It's like one look at published and bound material and my bowels are filled, and not just with mercy or charity. It makes for very awkward used book shopping.
(PS: Your blog is hilarious.)
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