“My boyfriend totally dumped me.”
“He’s a loser anyway. Here, have a brownie.”
“I just had a baby.”
“Aw, she’s so cute. Here, have a brownie.”
“Global warming sucks.”
“I know. Here, have a brownie.”
And so on. Unfortunately, this philosophy does not really lead one towards anything remotely resembling fitness.
The spring before last I lost almost fifty pounds. I still needed to lose another fifty pounds or so to be near my target weight, but I was pretty happy with the accomplishment. Granted, most people could not see a bit of difference, but I could tell. (That should tell you something about the realm of overweightness I had entered – when people cannot tell you have lost 47 pounds, because after you've lost it, you’re still fat – THAT my friends is called a reality check.) I was pleased though. I could fit into GAP jeans again and buy stuff in the regular section at Nordstrom. That summer I was feeling content and happy and not particularly motivated, and I stopped losing weight.
I’m not sure why I was so complacent when I was on a roll, but I just wasn't feeling the urgency. I felt good. I still feel good, actually. I don’t base my self worth on what I look like. I know that sounds so pie in the sky, la la la, but I really don’t. I guess that’s why it’s easy and comfortable for me to be fat. If I was going to feel bad about myself, I’d concentrate more on my tendency to be a B-I-T-C-H (I spelled it out so my mom wouldn't be offended) when I’m aggravated.
Anyway, despite the stall, I managed to keep off everything I’d lost for over a year, UNTIL about three weeks ago. We were in a very stressful holding pattern with our business. I was fairly zen like (for me) about the stress, I must say. I was actually very calm and relaxed the whole time. I didn't yell, or get upset, or even feel particularly anxious. I just ate a LOT of garlic bread.
I gained TEN pounds people. In three weeks. That has to be some kind of record. (Seriously, is there a show that might want to feature me? For rapid weight gain? One of those Discovery channel shows?)
After stepping on the scale and seeing the damage, I decided to try that new over the counter weight loss drug, Alli, for a few days. It is supposed to help you when you are already following a weight loss plan by keeping your body from absorbing a portion of the dietary fat you consume. What I found, basically, is that it gives you explosive diarrhea. The package insert lets you know that you will have “loose or more frequent stools that may be hard to control," "an urgent need to go to the bathroom," and "gas with oily spotting." Yeah. I would agree with that. It has made life very exciting and suspenseful and full of urgency in the last few days, that's for sure.
ANYWAY, I've now entered a sort of serene state where the stress just is not bothering me any longer (also, the business contract we were waiting on for so long finally got signed). I’m ready to get to work on the rest of the weight. I’m not even going to make a target weight. I’ll know it when I get there. I’m not aiming for skinny, I’m not aiming for thin – I’m aiming for healthy and fit. I'd be deliriously happy with chubby but strong. I'm a hot chubby chick.
I’m ready to recommit to a healthy, brownie free, garlic bread free lifestyle. We want to go to Jamaica this winter (if our business is on track and we've taken care of all of our obligations), and it would be nice to feel normal and fit, or even normal and chubby, when (if?) we go.
And I’d prefer to do it without explosive diarrhea, if possible.
Wish me luck!!!
P.S. Please do not leave a comment saying, “You are not fat!” People, I love you, but I KNOW I’m fat. It’s o.k.! I’m also a lot of other awesome things. I'm just also a little bit fat.
P.P.S. However, if you actually CALL me fat, I reserve the right to rip your face off.